Red Lotus
by Maddie-san
Summary: Five hundred years later, an obligation brought him to her when the end was near. He could watch her die, or he could vow to look after her until death do them apart.
1. The Promise

**A/N:** I know what you're gonna say. Girl, you've got like four other stories. You haven't updated in forever. Well, lots of life stuff happened, but that has been cleared out of the way. I also finished school. Now all I have to do all summer, is the writing job I got. Which means, plenty of time for writing. I actually have an update for everything coming. I'm wrapping all the chapters up.

Also, this was already technically written. It's from a oneshot I did. I adjusted it, and I'm turning it into a chapter story. Oh and the rating is just to be safe. It might get a little dark sometimes, so I just - I'm just playing it safe with the highest rating.

When this was first written, Daniella beta-read it! (Thanks love!) But, I did make quite a few adjustments, so any mistakes you see are my fault.

**Red Lotus**

**1. The Promise**

The sun was diming in the horizon as he closed the blinds of his apartment. He shut the world and the buildings of Tokyo away before sitting down in his olive couch, a deep sigh escaping his lips. His slender fingers ran through his bangs as he pressed his head against the sofa.

Every day was painfully long.

He no longer led the life he used to and he was no longer the person he used to be.

Five hundred years had changed him; then again five hundred years had changed everything and everyone.

Back then he was feared and powerful. Now, he was nothing more than a common mid class _human_ who worked as a financial advisor in a bank. Oh how far did he fall? In the past being around so many idiotic humans would have driven him insane, but now he learned to deal with it. How else would he survive?

His new self and his job were not the only tiring thing in his life however.

Many youkais withered away when the world transformed and decided it was not for them. Also, many were slaughtered during the changes as humans took over the power. In Sesshomaru's case he had been forced to not only live this world, but bury the weight of a promise.

Three hundred years ago his half brother made him promise the most ridiculous thing.

Inuyasha and he were never on good terms and it remained that way until the end. However, he was called upon to his half-brother's side during his last moments and Sesshomaru accepted the request. Inuyasha was _pack_, and Sesshomaru found it acceptable to listen to his demand.

_Look after Kagome; make sure nothing bad happens to her._

Sesshomaru was very surprised especially since the Miko was missing since the completion of the jewel. There was no way she lived to be over two hundred years old. Obviously, it all made sense when his half-brother explained to him the whole situation.

And so, Sesshomaru agreed to protect the Miko. It was Inuyasha's dying request and it was his duty to honor it.

_She_ was the only reason he was in Tokyo living the life he was. Perhaps he would have gone away, in hiding, living with the remaining youkais, but it would have made it to difficult to look after her.

The Miko was fairly easy to find since he had information about her and a three hundred year head start. Sesshomaru lurked in the shadows when she was born, grew up, and fell down the well fulfilling her duty. The first few weeks he was slightly amazed that, although she could remain in her world safe and sound, she decided to put herself at risk nonetheless.

Years passed before she stopped traveling to the past and since he was nowhere _near_ the house, he never knew why. He could only assume that the well ceased to work leaving her stuck where she truly belonged. Of course, he also noticed her heartbreak and the way she lingered by the well house every day for weeks.

Then after nearly a year, she ceased to visit the object of her sadness.

Once that happened she rarely came out of her house. She went to school, and helped her grandfather and mother around the shrine. He only saw her a few times in the Feudal Era, but he remembered that she was usually fueled by an intense passion and fiery spirit. When she lost the ability to travel through time, that fire was lost as well.

Frankly, it was none of his concern how she chose to live her life but he was bound to her in some way. Was her happiness part of his promise? He was only supposed to watch over her, and protect her. As long as her sadness did not cause her to commit any kind of foolish action, he should not get involved.

He decided then that his involvement in her life would be very small. It would have remained that way if her situation did not drastically changed five months ago. Exactly five months ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer. At first he was surprised, but he realized that during her travels she was exposed to a lot of miasma and apparently it had its toll on her lungs.

At first he, believed that she would be eligible for treatment, or that would be subject to an operation and she would be back on her feet. However, he soon learned that she was too advanced for full recovery and that it was not possible. The only thing available for her was chemotherapy. Of course, her family did not have much money but they went along with it nonetheless.

_That_ should have been part of his duty. However, he did not have much money himself, and he found himself stuck. He could barely manage his bills; how could he afford her treatment? Because of that he decided to not reveal himself to her yet. What was the point if he could not provide any help?

Now though, his time was running out.

The treatment did not seem to improve her state and from his _spying,_ he noticed that she was coming home less and less. The hospital was her main residence for the past couple of months. What was he supposed to do now? Would it truly be helpful to go see her? He figured she was not aware that youkais were still alive in her time, so perhaps she would think he was a hallucination.

Another sigh passed his lips before he rose to his feet. Slowly, he loosened his tie as if it was going to provide him with some relief, or piece of mind.

Life had many sorts of irony, and the turn the Miko's life took was one of them. After all, did she not sacrifice education, time, and love simply to rid the world of the jewel, to complete her duty? Yet all it brought her was heartache, pain, and apparently, a premature death.

Sesshomaru was well aware of the promise he made to his half-brother, but cancer was not something he could save her from. He did not have the money, or the resources to do anything about her situation. The only thing he could do, the one thing that could bring her some sort of relief was to know that Inuyasha never forgot her.

Meeting her, explaining the situation to her… it was something he could do.

Not today.

Tomorrow.

It was his day off and he would dedicate it to taking this weight off his shoulders forever. One meeting with her and he would be free of all obligations, would he not? She was perhaps the least annoying person to deal with from the whole group his brother used to travel with, but she was stubborn and strong headed nonetheless.

He was hoping she would understand and nothing would be too complicated. She seemed like a somewhat intelligence person and he was sure that once he explained the situation to her, he would be able to move on.

Hopefully it would be that simple.

-R-

She coughed loudly while every action, every breath brought upon her a pain she did not know before. Once the usual ten coughs were out of the way, she laid her head against her pillow feeling exhausted and flustered. She could feel her heart racing through her chest while the pain exploded inside her lungs.

It all happened so fast.

For the longest time she believed that the pain in her chest was due to the fact that she missed _him_ and her friends. Of course, when she became out of breath sooner, and the pain caused her to pass out, she realized that something else was wrong. Obviously, nothing ever prepared her for the diagnostic she received.

She was young and healthy on top of having spent way more time outside than anyone else her age. Apparently that did not help her at all. If it helped she would not weigh 75 pounds and she would be more than skin and bone.

Cancer.

She was dying.

After everything, after all the dangerous situations she found herself in, she was _dying_. A bitter chuckle escaped her lips as she closed her eyes, preventing the tears from leaking from her eyes. She had to be strong not only for herself but for her family. They spent the last few months watching her break down and she could not bring them more suffering.

For them she would put up a façade.

However, it was a lie. Since was been unable to return to _him_, she was not the same. She had made a life for herself on the other side of the well and she never expected that it would be taken away from her in such a harsh manner.

Plus, nothing would ever answer the million questions she had.

Did Inuyasha find someone? Did he end up happy? Did Sango and Miroku get married and have the life they deserved? What about Shippo?

Kagome stopped her all her thoughts before they overwhelmed her like they did many times in the past. She was sad and depressed about her current situation but not bitter. She wanted to be angry, but it felt as if it would take too much energy and she had none. The life was sucked out of her, and she could not find a way to retrieve it.

She was about to allow herself to fall into a deep slumber, hoping to get a few minutes of rest since it was difficult with the pain and the coughing, when her process was interrupted by a knock on the door. Her eyes snapped open and as the blurriness of her vision dissipated she could discern the nurse standing in the doorway.

"Miss Higurashi?"

Not able to find her voice, Kagome offered a weak nod.

"There's someone to see you, but his name is not on the list of friends and family."

She could not help but frown a bit in confusion. Who would come visit her? The nurse took it as her cue to continue. "He says his name is Sesshomaru."

Kagome could not prevent her heart from skipping a beat. That name could not be a popular name and what were the odds right? _No_. It could not be him. _Sesshomaru_. He could not be alive. Also, he never really knew her or liked her so why out of all the youkais she knew from the past would he be the one to come see her? What about Inuyasha? Shippo? Or even Kouga!

Not _Sesshomaru_.

Perhaps she was having a delusion.

Her breathing increased without her knowing, which she just realized brought her immense pain because of her weak lungs. In her confusion and suffering all she could do was nod her head in response, hoping the nurse would understand what she meant by the gesture. Whoever this person was claiming to be called _Sesshomaru_, she _had_ to know.

Blood was rushing through her veins fast as her eyes were locked on the doorway waiting for him to come into view. For an unknown reason, tears were forming in her eyes and she could only hope he would appear soon or she would be unable to see him.

As if on cue she saw a shadow and suddenly he came into view. She started from the bottom, observing his black shoes, black pants, until she came to a pure white shirt, and a long dark leather coat. Her heart was ready to explode as her eyes landed on his face and it was at that moment that she _knew_.

Long silver hair pulled into a perfect ponytail, bright amber eyes staring coldly at her.

It was _him_.

Her throat and mouth instantly became dry and she licked her lips trying to make it better. It was now too late to hold back tears as they flowed down her cheeks. The rush of memories from the past overwhelmed her brain and she felt an ache in her heart. She might not know Sesshomaru well, but he was connected to many memories.

"S-sessh-o-ma-ru?" The _Sama_ she used to add at the end of his name was now gone. Perhaps it was because she did not want to hurt herself further by talking more, or because she was too surprised to remember it.

He nodded at her before proceeding further into the room. His eyes glanced all over the place, and he held in an expression of disgust. He _despised_ hospitals. They were filled with weakness and sickness, and a terrible scent that bothered him to no end. However, this was his duty as alpha male of the pack.

After peering at everything surrounding her, he looked at her. The black circles under her eyes were only the beginning of the signs of her current state. She looked nothing like the Kagome of the past, but then again it was to be expected since she was dying.

"Miko," he said his voice a bit cold as he glanced at the chair by her bed.

He _could_ sit, but he would much rather stand up. He peered into her blue orbs trying to figure out what he could say to her or how he would explain the situation. He was not one for sparring feelings, or trying to make situations easier, but he _supposed_ he could do it for her.

"I am here on Inuyasha's behalf."

Kagome was too stunned by his words to notice he dropped the '_this Sesshomaru'_. Inuyasha? Did that mean he was still alive? That he was somewhere in the world?

He saw her eyes light up with hope, and he knew he had to shatter the hope. "He passed away two hundred years ago."

As if her pain was not enough, as if her heart was not shattered enough, now there was this. Still, the amount of tears streaming down her cheeks did not increase. She was prepared for him to be dead for a long time now. As a matter of fact she always assumed he did not make it to her time. Still, to see Sesshomaru alive and well… it brought her hope.

Seeing as how she remained silent, he decided to take it as his cue to keep explaining everything to her. He had no reason to hide details or to try to be subtle. He was only here to tell her the truth. "He requested of me that I look after you and protect you."

Kagome could help but blink as her confusion only grew. The _one_ person Inuyasha asked this of was Sesshomaru? Out of _everyone_? Perhaps the most surprising part was the fact that Sesshomaru _agreed _to it. Did he not despise her and Inuyasha most of all?

Then again, she did not know what occurred between them during those three hundred years. Perhaps things changed. She could not help the warmth that filled her heart at the thought that Inuyasha never forgot about her. After all, it was only a few months for her, but hundred of years for him.

"I- I gu-ess you're t-oo late."

Kagome turned her head in direction of the wall, almost refusing to look at Sesshomaru. She could not care less for his purpose to be there, or his promise. Obviously even he being a youkai could not do anything for her situation. She wished she could help him fulfill the promise he made, but she was unable to. She was dying and nobody could help her.

He was already aware that he was too late, but he could not let her pass away without knowing. However, now that he was right beside her, he felt a bit foolish which was out of the ordinary for him. If he did _nothing_ for her then it would be a failure, and he could not accept that.

"Do you have any requests?"

Kagome knit her eyebrows together before turning her head and glancing at him.  
>"Re-quests?"<p>

To ask _her_ what she wanted from _him_ was putting him in a lower, non dominant position, but it was perhaps the only way he could somewhat keep his promise to his dead half-brother. After all, it would tarnish his honor to not keep it.

"I cannot protect you, or save your life. I could however grant one of your requests."

A request? Did she really have anything she wanted? Most of her dreams would never happen and she stopped hoping for them a long time ago. She never really had any desire for herself and now that he asked her, she did not think she could come up with something.

While her mind tried to think of a wish, silence filled the room and all Sesshomaru did was stare at her. He could smell the raw emotions on her, and the sickness it was almost hurting his nose. The only thing he could not sense was weakness and fear. Even when she was close to death, she did not seem to be scared. He had to admit her emotions and reactions surprised him more than once.

After all, she never feared him.

Youkais who could have actually damaged him were terrified of him, yet that little human never once showed fear of him.

Kagome lifted her gaze and found herself staring out the window. For the past month she was not allowed outside and frankly soon enough she would be too weak to go anywhere. Right now it was difficult for her to leave the hospital because there were fees for the equipment she would need like an oxygen tank. Her mother already had trouble covering her current fees, and could not afford anymore spending.

"I want to go outside."

He tilted his head slightly, his ponytail sliding to the side. He was a bit confused. The outside world was right there, in her reach, and it was what she requested?

"I do not understand."

She sighed without thinking causing her to wince in pain before focusing her attention on him. "It's expensive. I need an oxygen tank, and a few other things I think. My mother can't afford it."

He was not rich either, which was proven when he came to the conclusion that he could not pay for her treatment. However, this was perhaps something he could afford. It was actually a smaller wish than he expected.

"I will make the necessary arrangements."

Her eyes widened a bit. "Reall-l-y?"

"Yes." He offered her a nod that resembled a goodbye.

Until he could set everything up he had no reason to be in her presence, or waste any of her time. He did part of his duty, and now he had to figure out how to do the rest. Kagome watched him leave with her heart almost feeling lighter. She was not offended by his lack of words, because she was still a bit stunned by everything that happened.

In her heart she did not know if she should believe he would be back. Then again, Sesshomaru was always a man of his words. He would not have come to see her if he was never going to come back. He was bound by his words, by his promise. He could hate her, but he would stick to doing the right thing.

But.

Life could be disappointing.

-R-

Hospitals could be very difficult to deal with sometimes. Especially if you were not the highest placed person in the world. However, after two weeks and many discussions, he managed to organize for her to come out of the hospital for a day. He strongly believed that she would be spending that day with her family, but apparently she wanted his presence.

It shocked him, but he could not deny the request.

Now he was waiting for her outside the hospital since someone was supposed to bring her out in a wheelchair with her necessary equipment. He peeked down at his watch, watching the minutes tick away. He took a day off work for this, and he did not need the establishment to waste his time.

A few more minutes went by before the doors finally slid open and Kagome appeared. A nurse was pushing her wheelchair outside while the Miko was covered by a green blanket. It was not very cold outside, but he figured that her body temperature was probably lower than usual since she was fighting a disease at the moment.

She offered him a weak smile that he barely notice as the nurse let go of her, officially leaving her in his care. He never really took care of anyone, and the last one was Rin. Even then, he did not do much for her.

No words were exchanged as he took hold of her chair and began to push her away from the hospital. He brought his car, though it was not equipped for her current situation. It was hard to prepare since she did not mentioned specifically where she wanted to go, simply _outside_.

"Can w-we go to a-a park?"

He nodded, though she could not see him and he began to head for the closest one. He did not want to ask her why they were doing this, why she did not wish to see her mother instead of him, but he would not ask. It was none of his concern, and he should not bother himself with such questions in the first place. It was simple curiosity and he did not care for the answers.

Kagome closed her eyes enjoying the breeze on her face. Even though she needed the blanket to keep her warm, she enjoyed the coldness of the air. Her flustered cheeks became a brighter red because of the cold and her very short spiky hair was flowing in the wind.

When she finally opened her eyes again, she was greeted with the sight of a green park. She could not help the smile that reached her lips while she gave a small sigh of contentment. It brought her some pain, but she completely ignored it. The smile only faded when Sesshomaru stopped moving her, and came to stand beside her.

"I g-guess you're wo-ndering why y-you're here."

"It is none of my concern. I am here to fulfill my obligation."

She nodded. _Fair enough_. Nonetheless, she would share. Of course, she would do it in as few words as possible so she would not strain herself too much. She intended on remaining outside as much as she could. The tubes attached to her nose to the tank were enough to remind her she was not _free_, but this was enough to make her feel better.

"My m-mother is w-worried. I wou-ldn't be able to h-ave her here k-nowing she is r-eady to bre-ak down."

Her mother was putting on a strong façade just like she did when her father died. Never did she let her kids see her sadness. Kagome wanted her to know she could cry, but her mother would not have it. Being here alone here with Sesshomaru was the best solution. After all, he would not talk to her or ask any questions, and it was the greatest gift.

She simply wanted quietness to enjoy her last moment in the outside world.

He could somewhat understand her reasons. Sesshomaru could comprehend the process of wanting to spare the feelings of the ones you loved, but it was not something he did before. Knowing she would talk and share if she wished to, he remained silent by her side as she stared ahead.

"W-was he happy?"

Sesshomaru was quite surprised that she asked something so quickly, but he did see it coming. "He was."

Of course, Sesshomaru would stretch on the subject, but at least she knew he told her the truth and it was enough. "W-what ab-bou-ut every-on-ne else?"

"From what I know they were. The Monk married the Slayer."

_Good_.

Miroku and Sango both went through hardships and she was glad that they were able to find peace and love with each other. She could only imagine the amount of groping Sango had to deal with, which brought a tiny smile to her lips.

"I n-never would have ex-pected to see _you_."

That he agreed with. He never expected him to be bound to his half-brother or to be in the Miko's presence. "It was my duty."

Her smile remained on her face at his response. It was nice to have someone who knew all she went through by her side. No lies, no sugar coating anything. Sesshomaru knew the past just like she did. Maybe he understood her silence and the ache in her heart. He would not share it, but he understood why she felt the way she did.

Nobody else did.

Kagome turned her head slightly and looked down at Sesshomaru's shoes. She could still remember when she had first met him and he was flying in the sky. She was very envious of that ability. To fly freely in the sky, decide where you want to go, and fly until you were happy again. To be one with the world.

Perhaps when her suffering was over, she would be able to do the same.

"Do you s-still fly?"

She was aware that in this world it was hard for him to fully use his youkai abilities but perhaps in secluded areas, he was still able to be himself. Just like in her room, by herself she did not have to hide. In a way, they had some similarities. The thought gave her goose bumps since she never thought she could compare herself to Sesshomaru.

"Sometimes."

As a matter of fact, it was a while since he last gave himself that freedom. Usually he would drive as far in the country as he could and swirl around for an hour before returning to the world. It was true that the fact that he had to hide himself was a bother, but it could not be helped in this world. Humans were full of greed and wicked ambitions and all he could do was live through this period until they would fall.

"I w-wish I cou-ld fly."

It was strange to blurt out her thoughts to him, especially since this was the most she ever talked to him in five hundred years, yet it came naturally. He was never really scary to her she simply thought he was afraid of his feelings. But then again, perhaps she never had Sesshomaru figured out.

Her words echoed through his mind as it tickled his thoughts. Helping her fly _was_ something he could do, but he wondered if it fell under the things he _should_ do. Granting any possible wishes she had was acceptable was it not? It was the only way he could look after her.

It would be a bit difficult since she could not stand on her own, and she had an oxygen tank, but it would be manageable as long as he made _contact_ with her. It was something he usually avoided but in this case… he would have to make the exception. Of course nothing forced him to respect the promise he made to his half-brother, but unlike humans, he had honor. No matter his feelings towards Inuyasha he was bound by his status and the pack.

He would do what was required of him.

"It is an acceptable request."

_Wait._ Request?

Before Kagome could understand what was about to happen, she felt two strong arms wrap around her tiny waist. Her blanket dropped on the floor while he lifted her along with her tank, and her heart skipped a beat. Her eyes widened as she felt him run somewhere, before stopping. Then, she was being lifted in the air and the air became a bit thicker fairly quickly.

He was aware that this was not the best location to fly her around, but it was not as if he could drive her around. If he made this quick, it would bring him no trouble. Plus he could always go fast enough not to be detected, though he was not sure it would be good for her since her health was so fragile.

Never did Sesshomaru fly with someone before, at least not in such a close proximity. He found the situation a bit uncomfortable, but he put up with it for the sake of her request. He did not glance at her since he began flying and he would not have if he did not feel her shake in his arms. Could she be cold?

He peered down at the tiny, extremely skinny girl in his arms, only to see her biting her bottom lip. He took a sniff, only to realize that she was scared. He was bit perplexed at the situation since he was pretty sure she flew in the air before. Why was she terrified of it now?

Kagome felt sick to her stomach, ready to vomit. She was used to being in the air was she not? How many times did she travel with Sango on Kirara and whatnot? Could it be that the Feudal era was a safer area to fly into? The buildings, the closeness of civilization, seemed to be suffocating her, and she did not enjoy it. Not only that, but she could barely open her eyes.

Maybe two years ago she would have killed to fly on Sesshomaru's _cloud_, but not at that instant.

Part of the reason why she was feeling so unsure was perhaps because she was weak. Could it alter her mind and perception? Could it make everything look more dangerous and sharp?

"Do you wish to cease flying?"

Kagome shook her head as vigorously as possible. She _wanted_ to fly. She did not wish for her sickness to ruin what she just wished for. She was stronger than this. The disease was weighing on her and on her body but it should not matter. This was her last chance. On top of that, she had fought bigger, meaner things did she not?

She shook her head one last time while holding back tears. Even though Sesshomaru was getting mixed signals, he decided to respect her decision and kept flying, though he made a mental note to keep it as short as possible.

Twenty minutes went by before they returned to the ground, which brought Kagome some relief. Although it was her idea to continue, her stomach was extremely happy when he put her back in her chair. As she pulled her blanket back on herself she couldn't help but be a little nervous that someone might have seen them. Then again, chances were that Sesshomaru took precautions. He probably didn't want to get caught on her account.

"Th-ank you," she whispered, her body still shaking a bit.

He nodded in answer, before grabbing the handles of her chair and beginning to push her. A sigh almost escaped his lips as he headed as slowly as possible towards the hospital. He meant to take her out for longer, but from her body's signals he could tell she needed to be back inside.

"Se-sshomaru?"

When he did not answer after a few seconds, she decided to proceed. She was about to make the most insane request of her whole life. "Do yo-u thi-nk you co-uld come bac-k once in a whil-e?"

Once again, he found himself perplexed by her request. He _could_ agree to it because she asked for it. Frankly he was not much of a talker and this was a bit strange since he had no connection to her nor did he want to talk about himself. He was not there to be a comforter; he was there to look after her.

"Why would you wish for my company?"

Honestly it was a valid question, but he was not sure if she had a full answer for it, or at least one that he would accept. "B-ecause you don't l-ook at me with a br-oken heart or like I'm a ch-arity case."

She loved her mother dearly, but it was hard being around her when she knew what lie in her thoughts. It was the same thing with her grandfather and her brother, and all of her friends. Even the nurses and doctors looked at her with pity, though that was part of their jobs. On the other hand, Sesshomaru showed no emotions at all. It was nice to have someone look at her as if she was the same as everyone else. It was insane to _seek_ his company but she needed it.

"Hn."

-R-


	2. The Proposition

**A/N:** Bet you didn't think you were gonna say an update for this - _ever_. (If you're confused, when I posted the first chapter many months ago, it was called _White Lotus._). Anyways, I'm sorry for the long wait, and now the updates should come in more frequently! Thanks guys!

(When this was first written, aka when it was a oneshot, Daniella beta-read it. Any mistakes you see are my own fault since I changed it up a lot).

**Red Lotus**

** Proposition**

Three days.

The last time she saw Sesshomaru was three days ago. It was weird that she was counting the days because he was almost a complete stranger to her, but she could not help it. Perhaps she wanted to empty her heart out about the past, ask question, or maybe she wanted to talk about something that did not have anything to do with her sickness.

So far her day did not go by too bad. She was able to eat her food without throwing it up. Although, food that went through the blender and could be drank through a straw should not qualify as food. Still, at least she had something in her stomach and perhaps it would give her a bit of energy. She would not have a treatment for the next few days, meaning she might have a chance to feel better. It was getting exhausting to throw up every day.

Plus, she rather enjoyed having a fuzz of hair on top of head. She did not want to lose it all again.

Kagome sat herself up in her bed, tired of lying down. The sunlight was brightening the room and it was refreshing. She wished that one day she could be outside again and live like she used to. There was the small chance that the treatment would work, and she would vanquish the disease, but the chances were so small that she did not want to hang onto the hope.

She almost scoffed at herself for having such a thought. Was she not the girl who fought for the last bit of hope left? Was she not the girl who put her life on the line when darkness was threatening to swallow everything? And now that it was her own hope she needed to hang on to, she refused to do so?

Life was full of irony.

"Miko."

The sound of his voice made her jump involuntarily. She quickly turned her head in his direction and offered him a weak smile. Sesshomaru took it as his cue to enter her room. He walked onward until he reached the side of her bed. Frankly he was debating when to come but when the days started to pass by he decided that it was time to go.

"Than-k you for c-oming."

He could help but notice that her voice seemed a bit better. She was not as out of breath as the last time he saw her. He did not know if that meant she was better or simply that she was under the influence some kind of medication. Since he was not going to ask any question, he stood by her side waiting for her to say something.

"I kno-w that ho-spital chairs don't look like the be-st option, but it feels a li-ttle awkward with you stan-ding there."

Sesshomaru gave her a nod before sitting in the chair. It was not as if he could catch any of the diseases human had, but he still did not enjoy smelling it all around him. Though, his sense of smell was already overwhelmed by all the disgusting scents of the hospital itself.

Kagome wanted to talk but the way Sesshomaru remained stoic made it hard to know if he would be bothered by conversation. Frankly she did not care what promise he made to Inuyasha. He did not have to honor it because she could not care less. Sesshomaru did not have to watch over her or anything. As a matter of fact she knew that the proper thing to do would be to release him from that promise.

She was well aware that he being in her company was _not_ what he wanted.

"You don't h-ave to come anymore," she said prior to looking straight into his eyes.

He shook his head. "I will continue to come."

"Look wha-tever promise you have with In-uyasha, it doesn't matter. You don't have to w-atch over me."

"It is not that simple."

"Well, I don't wa-nt you bound to me be-cause of that."

"Miko, I will remain here."

Kagome felt the urge to roll her eyes, but gave up as she crossed her arms over her chest. "I would _not_ t-alk to you, but you would e-njoy that."

"Hn."

Sesshomaru was a strange character and she could not pinpoint him. Would he actually be upset if she asked about him? Frankly she could try. The worst thing that could happen would be that he would not provide her with an answer.

"Do you ha-ve a family?"

"No."

"D-o you have a jo-b?"

"Yes."

"What do y-ou do?"

"Banker."

"Are you g-oing to ke-ep giving m-e one word an-swers?"

"Hn."

Since Sesshomaru decided to say nothing more than one word, she would try to make him talk. Though she doubted he would share such personal information with her.

"Why don't you have a family?"

He did not have an answer for that. In the past he had Rin who was his daughter, and since then nothing else came along. It was true that he did not looked, or searched to have a family, but nonetheless.

"I had no desire for it."

"You don't e-ven want a kid?"

He could not deny that since his brother was gone, and never had any progenitor, he was the one left to continue their bloodline. He always thought he would have one son and stop there, but it did not occur yet. It was true that at this point the situation would be more difficult since there were a lot less youkais around. Of course he could always mate a human but the thought was _not_ enjoyable to him.

"Perhaps one day."

She lifted her eyebrows in surprise. "You're _old_. One d-ay might never happen."

As soon as she was done speaking her words, her eyes began to sting with pain. Being a mother was a wish of hers for a long time. Especially since Shippo, who was like a son to her, she always wanted children of her own. Now however, that wish was out of her grasp.

"You c-an have a f-amily. You sh-ould take that opportunity. N-ot everyone has it."

Her words came out much harsher than she intended to, but she could not help the small bitterness in her voice. After all, many things were being taken away from her and sometimes it was overwhelming.

Sesshomaru noticed her tone, but his expression did not change. Of course she desired to be a mother. She, _a miko,_ took a kitsune as her child when she was still so young. Obviously motherhood was something that ran through her veins. Frankly, she was most deserving to be a mother than most that where.

Though that would not convince him to have a family, but he understood her emotions.

"Life is fu-nny. I never thought I'd b-e lying here, dy-ing, talking to you."

A little laugh escaped her as she shook her head. Hanging out with Sesshomaru. Something was wrong with her. "Please, re-lieve me of my insanity. You lived through hundre-ds of years. You must have s-ome stories!"

She wanted him to tell her a tale? Of course he possessed much knowledge of all the myths and old tales of the past, but he never actually shared them with anyone. Perhaps he told Rin a few in the past, but ever since then, the occasion did not present itself. He was not one for long conversations or for talking for a long period of time.

Frankly, he could leave now. He responded to her request of coming, and he was looking after her in some sort of manner. He could say no now and be on his way. Above all, there were a million things he could be doing with his time, including working. Yet he found himself staying in his seat. He held some respect for her. She did not fear anything, not even death it seemed, she knew respect and she was a half-decent Miko.

Perhaps one story would not hurt.

He should not really stay. This was not his environment and frankly it was sort of boring to him. Then again, there was something about her that made this less irritating than it should be. Maybe it was her scent. In the whole disgusting whirlwind of scents of the hospital, hers was singled out very easily.

Sakura flowers.

She was sick, maybe dying, and it should alter her scent and make it horrible. Yet it did not. It smelled just like it did when he met her for the first time. He could remember it well because it was not like any other humans,' not even Rin's.

It was distinguished, different, and vibrant.

_Hn_.

Perhaps he could indeed tell one story.

-R-

Another treatment, another day.

Three weeks passed since Sesshomaru first came to see her and she was surprised by the way he altered things. Prior to him, she felt _stuck_ in the present, but now that an element from her past came in her future. She felt easier, lighter. Of course, she was still dying, but her life broke out of its routine.

During the past three weeks, Sesshomaru visited her fourteen times. He came almost every day. Sometimes, they said next to nothing at all. Other times there would be a little bit of conversation before he would tell her another story. She found herself enjoying and looking forward to those moments.

She enjoyed hearing the stories of what her friends went through during the past, their own hardships, and what their lives were like. She missed the adventure, and danger that used to be in her own life. This was her only way to still be in that kind of situation.

Since he came for the last three days, she assumed that he would not come to see her today. That meant she would be stuck in her hospital bed for the day, waiting for the hours to go by. Hopefully her treatment wore her out enough that she would be able to sleep right away.

After all these weeks, she still did not know much about Sesshomaru, but at this point it hardly mattered. She never really knew who he was then, and not knowing who he was now… was no big deal. Actually she knew about his new person. The way he talked was more expressive and a bit friendlier than before. She enjoyed that.

It no longer felt as if she was talking to a brick wall.

She looked forward to their conversations.

Meanwhile on the other side of town, Sesshomaru dropped his jacket on the armrest of the couch before walking in direction of the kitchen. He did not get tired, yet he found himself exhausted. Perhaps it was because he obtained no rest at all between his work and his visits at the hospital.

He did not have to go as often as he did, but he found himself going nonetheless.

Sesshomaru never really found many humans worth any interest. Most of them had annoying habits and they bothered him. Yet, the Miko was different. First of all her scent was not offending, and second of all, she actually could _listen_. He could no longer speak of the past, and nobody knew who he used to be, but she did.

She knew he was important, and powerful. She even showed respect while speaking instead of using disgusting slangs. She had opinions, and shared in a polite manner. It was rare for him to not mind discussing things, but she made it easier than anyone else. Frankly, compared to all humans, he preferred her. It was - dare he say - a shame she was one that would die. Many others were useless, and would live.

The last time he allowed a human to be in his company it was Rin. He never thought the next person would be the Miko. Of course Rin was a whole different matter. There was no way to explain how Rin entered his life and stayed. The only part that deserved to be told was that she was his daughter, and there was nothing else to it.

He found himself thinking what his relationship with the Miko was. He had some sort of obligation to her, but it was clear now that he was going over the boundaries of that obligation. He did more than he had to. Could it be because he was completely alone since Jaken passed away and stopped following him? It could not be. He was not one to seek company; he usually despised it.

Sesshomaru was not _seeking_ her companionship, but he did not mind being around her because of her knowledge of the past. When he was around her, he regained some of the dignity he lost throughout the years. He could not save her, but he could perhaps remain around for her the time she had left. It did not seem to bother her, neither did it bother him so he did not see a problem with it.

He did not carry the rage he used to have and frankly at this point, youkai or not, it barely mattered.

Sesshomaru glanced around at his empty apartment, and the words of Kagome came back to his mind. The thought never crossed his mind but it was true that he was getting a bit_ old _to not even have a mate to settle with and an heir.

At that instant, a strange thought crossed his mind.

_Mate_.

It was ridiculous. Something that up until now, he did not even think of. Mostly because he would never do that and it would make no sense. Yet, if mating was to occur between him and the Miko it would most likely… heal her? Youkais did not get cancer and if his youki mixed with her aura, it would most likely be strong enough to get rid of the virus killing her, or at least weaken it so that her treatments could kill it.

Of course, he could not do that.

For years he despised his father for choosing a human lover and procreating with her; diluting their blood. There was no way he could do that, even if it saved her life. Except now the thought would be stuck with him. He promised to protect her, and look after her. This was a way to protect her, but this was too much involvement.

He would be linking his life to hers only to save her?

Sesshomaru pulled on his elastic, freeing his ponytail before sitting down on the nearest chair. Would it make sense? He would have to take care of her and look after her. He was pretty sure it was not what Inuyasha meant when he asked. It would never be what he meant. The hanyou was always very protective of Kagome and even when he went after two different women, he wanted no one near the Miko.

Obviously this was a bad decision from the start.

Saving one more human, would it really make a difference? He had a duty toward her… but could he stand her for over a hundred years? Her life would be lengthened by the process meaning she would be by his side for a while.

If he did the insanity of mating her, that meant he would have to take care of her, and she would move in with him. Feelings for her or not, he would find himself once again bound by his honor. Also by human customs, he would probably have to marry her since she came from a shrine. It was true he did not mind her company as much as he thought he would, but it did not mean he wished to spend the rest of her life with her.

A few hours every couple of days for weeks was fine and tolerable. A lifetime on the other end…

But it would save her.

She rid the world of Naraku. Something he could not have done alone no matter how much that thought bothered him. Also, she dealt with the whole jewel problem, which was somewhat bothersome since it corrupted many weak youkais and had affected his own life.

Rin was fond of her as well.

Though Rin liked a lot of people.

But she looked at the Miko differently.

Sesshomaru ran his fingers through his long silver locks pondering the issue. This was a big decision. Him tying himself up to a human, even if it was not out of feelings. Could he do that? Perhaps he was throwing the word _tolerable _around a bit too loosely. He could stand her for a few hours. He respected her lack of fear even in the face of death. That did not mean he could mate her.

Was he that much of a different person from who he used to be?

-R-

Kagome glanced at herself in the mirror, examining her face. A long time ago, she gave up on her hair. When it first fell out she was heartbroken, but as she felt weaker she got over it. Hair did not really matter when you were fighting for your life. Nonetheless, her hair grew a bit past a buzz cut, and she was hoping she would be able to keep it this time.

The one thing that was depressing her now was her cheeks digging in and her sloppy eyes with dark circles under them. She would eventually get over it, but for now, she was bothered by the fact that she no longer looked like herself. She was nothing but a shell, a shadow of who she used to be.

"Miss Higurashi?"

Kagome snapped her head in direction of the doorway of the washroom and peeked around only to see the nurse looking for her. Using her wheelchair, Kagome moved out of the bathroom to find out that Sesshomaru was standing beside the nurse. She offered him a smile before nodding to the nurse, who took it as her cue to leave.

"Hey," she said as she struggled to make her way back to the bed.

Sesshomaru did not help her by pushing her chair because he knew her. He would give her a hand in lifting herself into the bed if she required it, but he would not help her if she did not need it. Even if she was sick Kagome was not a weak person, and she usually did things on her own if she could.

Kagome put her hands on the rail of the bed, her tongue sticking out of her mouth as she grabbed on as hard as she could, ready to pull herself up. Often a nurse would do this for her, but she liked to do it. Because of her condition she did not have many things left, and this was one of them.

She had to do this.

Her lungs were hurting, and she was breathing more heavily than she should, but she kept going. Minutes ticked away when she finally managed to pull her second leg over the rail. Her chest was heaving as she lay down and she felt the sweat dripping down her neck and back.

She was glad that Sesshomaru did not provide any assistance. It meant that she was not completely useless just yet. As she tried to regain her breath she could not help but notice that, except yesterday, Sesshomaru come four days in a row. She could not help but wonder if something was wrong.

Kagome decided that she would not be the first one to speak. As a matter of fact, it was a little game she was enjoying for the past month. She would wait and see if he would speak if she remained silent. A few times, he actually would. It made her feel as if he did not actually despise her.

"We will be going out."

At the sound of his words she frowned. Going out? Clearly Sesshomaru needed to adjust his vocabulary because he had it all wrong. Unless he meant he was taking her outside again, which frankly did not sound great at the moment especially because of how much energy she was lacking.

"Go-ing out?"

"I believe the right term is _date_."

For a second Kagome felt as if her heart stopped beating. There had to be some side effect to her treatment and her hearing was not right. Sesshomaru did not say that they would be going on a date. First of all, it was the most insane thing she ever heard in her whole life, and second of all it made no sense! Okay… both points were the same, but that was how unbelievable this was.

Sesshomaru-_sama_ would never ask her, a human, out for a date.

"I'm s—s-orry?"

His own words sounded insane to him as well, but he decided that it was what he would do. He figured that doing the human way and proposing a date first would be more appropriate. Not that he had any intention to court her. This was to save her life because he was bound by his promise.

He knew this feeling in his chest. It was the same one he had when he brought Rin back to life. There was no reason for it. He could, so he did. Of course, this was much more inconvenient than taking Rin as his ward, but nonetheless.

"You will not die Miko."

She could not help but blink a few times before using some of her left over strength to sit up in the bed so she would be able to look at his face because she still could not believe what was happening. The more words came from his mouth, the more confused she was. She wondered if her drugs were affecting her, or _he_ was on drugs.

"I w-on't?"

"Miko are you aware of youkai mating?"

To be honest she did not know much. She had a few conversations over the years, most of them with Sango who was a youkai expert. How they came on the subject every time was a bit strange, but they had the conversations regardless. She knew it would lengthen a human's life, but it was about it.

"I would live l-onger if I was-n't d-yin-g?"

"It will heal you."

The impact of his words hit her so hard her eyes filled with water. His words had more impact than he realized. She gave up on hope, and he had no right to come and tell her she would live. He had no right to come and tell her he could save her life. He had no right to come and tell her he could take the disease away.

It could not be taken away.

She would die. She _was_ going to die.

Did he know what that would mean? She could get her dreams back; she could live her life again. She spent the first year of her life back in the modern time trying to get over the loss of her friends and family. It took her so long and when she had finally done so, her right to live was snatched away from her.

Now he was dangling hope back in her face, and she did not know how to react.

"I can't a-c-cept that."

It hurt, and it caused the tears to roll down her cheeks. It would be nice to be free of the disease, but she could not accept his offer just because he made a promise to Inuyasha. It was not fair to her, or him. This would change their lives forever and it was not something she could allow him to do. She was not selfish, and she would not tie someone into a situation they did not wish for.

Honor and promises could not mean that much.

"You ma-de a pr-omise to Inu-yasha a l-ong time ago. You do-n't have to go that f-ar."

A dark chuckle almost escaped him and it was such a strange sound coming from him, she could not prevent the surprise that took over. "Miko do you believe this Sesshomaru would mate you because the hanyou required that of him?" He tilted forward slightly before continuing. "It would actually make the hanyou very angry if I did this."

Through her tears a small smile appeared on her lips. "It would."

It was insane she did not love Sesshomaru. It was true his company was nowhere near as terrible as she believed it to be, but mating him? If she remembered correctly it was a lifetime commitment. Could it be something she could do? Could it be something _he_ could do? There was no way he meant it.

"It's for-ever."

"The mark is, our," he stopped to chose the right word. "Relationship will not be. You will be alive, and free to do as you wish."

He would save her life, and ask for nothing in return? "Why? And don-'t te-ll me it's be-cause of your pr-omise."

A reason, there was no reason. His sword pulsed, he used it. She was dying, he could mark her. He respected people who deserved to be respected. She earned it. What was a hundred more years? He had to keep hiding while humans were still in power. He might as well save a worthy human at the same time. He mentioned how he lacked the desire to have a family, meaning this would not affect him at all.

"Rin would not have wanted you to die. She spoke highly of you. I believe there was a reason for that." It was the only reason she needed to hear.

Had Sesshomaru just given her a compliment? She did not know if she should be scared or flattered. Nonetheless, she found herself very confused. Mating Sesshomaru would be a very difficult thing to accept. Not because he was a horrible person, but because he was himself. He should be tied down to a human. Actually, she found it to be a horrible fate, even for him. He did fight at their side during the final battle.

"I'm hu-man, "she stated blankly.

"I am aware."

It was not fair. She could not let him give her the gift of life and not return the favor. The least she could do was leave him alone afterwards. Make sure she was not a part of his life at all. "I'd l-eave y-ou alone…"

He already considered all the possibilities. If it was better that she remained with him, both for perhaps the sake of her mother and family and also for the outside world, then so be it. He did not need to speak with her, he did not need to be there for her. He would have fulfilled his promise and saved her life. There would be nothing else to it.

"As your mate, it would not be honorable to not look after you."

She blinked again very slowly. He wanted her to _stay_ with him? "Did you rea-lly think t-his through?"

He nodded. Perhaps he did not take days to consider it, but he felt as if it was the right thing. This was not a love story, or a romance. They would not be together. She would want her own path, and he would stay on the one he was on this whole time. Nonetheless he would honor his obligation. He would look after her.

She deserved to live.

"And I will live?"

He nodded. "Correct."

She licked her dry lips before taking a deep breath, hurting her lungs in the process.

"If yo-u are s-ure."

Her heart was beating faster than it ever had in a long time, and she could hear it echo in her mind. She felt selfish for taking the opportunity but Sesshomaru looked so determined. If he did this, if she lived, then she would owe him everything. She would make it up to him. She would use the extra time he gave her to show her gratitude.

A man that was a complete stranger, that she did not know very well, was throwing his life in the mix just to save hers. He was the last person she ever expected to do that, but she was eternally grateful. Sesshomaru was clearly not given enough credit in the past. She would never think he would be willing to mingle his destiny with someone else's.

And she would never think that _she_ would accept such a proposition.

"I would not offer if I was not."

The tears kept coming as she nodded.

"Sesshomaru?"

"Hn?"

"Thank you." What else could she say?

He nodded once more watching her expression lift, and the twinkle in her eyes appeared again. Sesshomaru did not often something for someone else. Frankly he never thought he would. At this moment he was about to tie himself to her just for _her_ gain her life back and for his honor.

And it was okay.

Though five hundred years ago, it would have been the most disgusting thought.

Kagome lifted her arms and wiped the tears away from her eyes. She never felt such a big surge of energy before in her life and it felt nice to be alive again. She offered him a smile through the tears before biting on her bottom lip. Her heart was drowned in emotions and her mind was overwhelmed. She gave up. He brought back hope.

"A d-ate huh?"

"I believe it is what is customary."

This was not really a _normal_ situation. "I'm not s-ure I ca-n do much i-n this state."

He was not proposing this _date_ for himself. He was doing it to make it more comfortable for her. It was nothing more than a technicality for him. He knew that she, a human, did not work the same way and that _feelings_ were most likely involved in whatever she did. This transition was for her. Though, he was not familiar with the whole _dating_ he did agree with her that until the mating, she was stuck in this hospital bed for the most part.

"W-what is _ma-ting_ exactly? I m-ean h-ow is it do-ne?" she inquired between breathes.

One thing was certain: it was not usually done like they were about to do it. "Mating is a very physical experience for youkais. The male bites the female during the peek of their sexual encounter."

She never thought it possible for her skin to be any other color than pale white but she was wrong. She felt _heat_ in her cheeks despite how frozen cold her flesh always was lately. _Sexual encounter_. He did not – did he think – she could not.

"No need to concern yourself, Miko." Her scent spiked rapidly with a displeasing smell and he did not like it. "There will not be such encounter between us. I will heighten your feelings differently and bite you. It might require more time for the mating to heal you however."

She spent her teenager years between loving a boy who loved someone else, getting over that boy, and dying. During that time, she was unable to actually experience a relationship.

"That-s fine."

Many more questions ran through her mind, like when? But she never asked any. As a matter of fact, something else concerned her. How was she to explain this to her mother? She did not want to lie but she did not know how she would feel about the truth. At least, her family would be more at ease if they no longer had to pay expensive hospital bills.

"Whenever you are comfortable, we will proceed."

"A-re you r-eall-y on-ly doi-ng this be-cause you pro-mis-ed Inu-yasha?" He did mention another reason but she did not buy it.

"It was decided that I would do what I could to keep you safe. This keeps you safe and it does not affect my life." It did. A little. Not enough for it to be an inconvenience, though.

The Miko would have her life and he would have his. He doubted she would interfere and he would return the favor. Also, it would make it easier for him to stick with his obligation. No harm would come to her while she bore his mark. His conscience, one he unfortunately developed because of Rin, would be sparred. He did not need more reasons to be awake at night.

She gave him the best smile she could manage. "An-yt-ime. When you-'re r-eady, I'll be too."

Soon, she would be able to breathe, to move and to be truly alive without pain. There was no greatest gift than the one of life. Some would say it was ironic that Sesshomaru out of all people was to give her life but she did not. She remembered that his father chose to give _him_, Tenseiga, the sword of life.

Perhaps there was a reason for that.

-R-


	3. The Procedure

**A/N:** Thank you for the sweet reviews! I hope this update won't disappoint! _This was not betaed, sorry for the mistakes!_

**Red Lotus**

**3. The Procedure**

_Today_.

Her level of stress, which only worsened her condition, affected Kagome's weakened body. However, she was too nervous to care. _Sesshomaru_ was coming today. Yes, he did come to visit her most days but today's visit was different. Today, he was going to _mark_ her.

She had a few days to think over the situation and at this point she was on edge.

What kind of crazy plan was this? It meant life, yes but – _oh_ it was… _No_. It was a good idea and they were both willing. They discussed it and he explained and they agreed. There was no reason why she should feel as though someone was strangling her.

Even though she probably struggled to breathe because of her cancer and not the situation with Sesshomaru.

He failed to mention what time he was coming to visit and she did not inquire. The ritual was unfamiliar to her and he presumably required preparation. They were not doing this according to customs. The simple thought of the usual circumstances of marking was enough to make her blush. Hopefully his way _around it_ was not as awkward.

Once again, her gaze drifted to the door and she waited. She did not have the strength to turn her body and look at the clock but she guessed it was mid afternoon. In two hours, visiting hours would be over but he was aware of that was he not?

Her heart nearly stopped earlier during the morning when she received a visitor. Unfortunately, that was visitor was not him but rather her mother. Kagome refrained herself from sharing the news with Miyu. It was not because she feared her reaction but because she refused to hold out that possibility that she might get cured. Sesshomaru seemed fairly convinced this would work but… what if?

If she told her mother and then she passed away nonetheless, she would break her mother's heart. Until she was certain to be on the recovery road, she would keep that detail a secret. It did create a feeling of uneasiness in the pit of her stomach that was augmented by her constant nausea but she could live with it.

Because her mother opened the curtains before she left, light was shining on Kagome's face. It was warm and she welcomed it. One day soon, perhaps she would be out there. The moment her lungs would allow it, she would _run_. Being stuck in a bed all day, every day, reminding her just how much of an adrenaline rush it could be to run at full speed.

Granted most of the time she did that in the past her life was in danger but regardless.

She sighed. There she was, getting her hopes up already. If this worked, they did not know how long it would take her to get better. It might be months or years. In spite of that, any kind of progress was very welcomed.

"Miko."

Lost in her thoughts, she never even saw him arrive. She gave him a quick nod and he entered the room and made sure to close the door behind him.

The scent of her nervousness filled the whole room and made his nose twitch. He, on the other hand, was rather calm. All he had to do to mark her was overpower her and considering how feeble she was it would be no problem at all. He doubted she would put up a fight. He walked straight to her bed and then rested his hands on the bed's sidebars.

"Are you ready?"

Again, she was voiceless and bobbed her head forward.

He leaned forth and seized both of her shoulders with his hands. Delicately, he moved her until her back leaned against his chest. This was the best way to do it since she could not hold herself up.

Kagome held her breath as he enveloped his arms around her body. He was as warm as she remembered Inuyasha to be. Seemingly, it was a youkai thing. Her body was tensed and even if she told herself to relax, it did not work. Unconsciously, she reclined her head into his chest and closed her eyes. This _rush_ was making her dizzy.

He bent down until his mouth was to her ear. "I will need you to surrender yourself to me. Do not fight me."

She nodded.

He used his hands to tilt her head to the left and then he put his mouth to her neck. There was barely any skin on her bones. He nearly feared that biting her would _break_ her. He stuck his fangs out and scraped them against her flesh. She shivered in his hold and he kept going until he reached the spot right where her shoulder met her neck.

Then, he sunk his fangs deep into her skin.

Her mouth opened wide into a silent scream and he dreaded he would have to clamp a hand over her mouth to silence her. When no sound escaped her, he relaxed.

She did not struggle or fight him. He felt his youki mingle inside of her, awakening what was left of her power. She was too weak to summon it on her own like she should. Since she was left with no energy, she barely glowed pink but it was enough. It required no more than a few seconds for his youki to swallow her light and then, it settled.

Her blood filled his mouth with each passing seconds and he found it difficult to enjoy. Because of her cancer and treatment, the crimson liquid was disgusting. If it were not for the _sweet_ hint of spiciness that came from her Miko origins it would be unbearable.

Some of it spilled upon her shoulder, tainting it red. Kagome's head rested on her other shoulder as all of the sudden darkness filled with her world. She was fighting to stay awake but she was losing the fight rapidly.

"Tir-ed," she mumbled.

Sesshomaru raised a hand and gently caressed the side of her head as if to soothe her since he could not speak. She already did not have energy to fight him and now, he was dominating her. He could taste in her blood that she meant to struggle, to try, but she could not because of how damaged her body was.

He kept caressing her short hair as he felt her fall asleep. He waited for her body to become limp in his arms and then he pulled his mouth away from her. Some of her blood dripped down his chin and unto her hair. He licked the remaining off of his lips and tilted his head back. It was a bit of a rush, making his head spin.

Slowly, he returned her to her laying position. Then, he grabbed a cloth from the side of her bed and wiped her shoulder off. There was no way he could explain to anyone the bite marks but he would not make it worse by leaving her bloody.

Once she was cleaned, realization set in.

He was bound to the Miko for the duration of her life. He felt it inside of him; weakness. Her body was fragile and she was close to death, much closer than her doctors thought. If the taste in his mouth was any indication, she should not even be alive. It seemed he intervened right on time. There was no saying how long it would take for her to recover but his blood and his lineage was strong; it should lessen the time needed.

"Sleep Miko." Tomorrow, she would wake up feeling changed.

-R-

_Dizzy_.

Kagome opened her eyes but it did not help her confusion. Her vision was blurring and everything doubled in front of her. _Weak_. Suddenly, the blur increased and something grabbed her hand.

"How are you this morning?" Silence. "Your vitals are looking great today!" This woman, who Kagome assumed was the nurse, was _too _chipper this morning.

She forced a smile as she waited for her vision to clear up. Then, the nurse's hand was on her neck. "What is that? Did you scratch yourself again?"

Sometimes, the treatment brought forward itches and they were simply impossible to ignore. She did scratch herself to blood a few times but they were always accidents. _Those_ however were not from scratching. Sesshomaru _bit_ her. To be quite honest, she barely remembered any of it. He held her in his arms and then bliss came along.

She almost wondered if that was what death felt like.

"I'm gonna get some bandages and disinfect that for you. No more scratching though!"

No chance of that happening.

As the nurse left and Kagome's vision finally adjusted she decided that she did not feel any different this morning. Then again, not a full twenty-four hours passed yet. She did not expect to recover right away but she did think she would feel a little less like – well like _shit_.

She remembered what he said about taking care of her, that it was duty since she was going to be his mate. Nonetheless, she found herself wondering if she would see him again, if he actually meant the words he said. His presence almost became comforting and the coldness and detachment she disliked in the past, she found pleasing now. Of all people, she was tied to Sesshomaru for the rest of her life.

Unknown to her, Sesshomaru was in his bed despite the lateness of the morning. He did try to get up a few times, he really did but he could not. His long hair was sprawled around his body, most of it gluing to his skin because of the sweat that covered him. He lay there watching as the hours went by, watching how late he was for work but he did not have the strength to pull himself out of bed.

There was only one explanation for this sudden fatigue: the mating.

He did not think it would suck his energy away, not like this. Kagome _really_ needed his strength.

Unfortunately, he did not plan on missing work today. He did not even _call_ in and his phone was too far for him to get it. He sighed in annoyance before re-adjusting his position in his bed. He never felt this weak in his life; his limbs were heavy and he was sweating and panting. He grunted after each movement as if they were _exhausting_.

Was he going to remain this way until she healed? Was she unconsciously drawing his strength?

Perhaps the only way to fix this was to visit her at the hospital but he did not know how he would make it there. He would let himself rest, as his body desperately begged, and once he would wake up he would force himself to go to the hospital.

One hour of rest, just one hour.

-R-

"Sessh-omaru?"

Kagome sat up in the bed to the best of her abilities with his presence pulsing through her. When was the last time she could _sense_ someone? She tilted her head to the right and looked at him. He was standing in the doorway, waiting for her permission before entering as per usual.

"You're he-re."

He meant to visit her sooner but it seemed the _bond_ had something else in mind. When Sesshomaru woke up from his nap, days had passed. Even now, he had not retrieved all of his strength. Never in his life did he rest for so long and it irritated him. Not only that but when he awoke, he found that his _job_ left several messages.

It was in complete silence that he walked into her room. "Are you feeling stronger?"

"I do-n't know. I don-'t think so."

"You should have been dead," he bluntly stated.

"Ex-cuse me?"

"I tasted your blood. You should have been dead." She peered at him with her dull, lifeless blue eyes, confusion written all over her face. "I believe you only made it this far because of your miko powers. They," he pause, searching for the right words, "_healed_ you enough to keep you alive."

"Oh," was the only answer she managed.

If she was not a Miko she would be… dead? The only thought that came to her mind was her mother.

"You were close to the brink of death. Your _body_ has been draining my strength for the past three days."

Now that she was looking at him properly, he did look slightly pale – well paler than usual. Did she make him sick? "Ar-e you ok-ay?"

He nodded. He was not going to tell her that she left him invalid, completely hopeless for three days straight. He had his pride.

Sesshomaru snuck his hand in his pocket and retrieve a small box. He put it beside her on the bed and backed away. Kagome twisted her wrist and took hold of it. She flickered it open only to find a _surprising_ object inside; a ring. It was simple, modest; a silver band with a tiny blue moonstone, at least it looked like one, encrusted on top of it.

Wait.

A ring?

She lifted her head and stared at Sesshomaru, hoping he would provide her with an explanation. Did this mean what she thought it meant? _No_.

"If you were to be married to me, my health insurance would cover most of your hospital fees. I thought you might like to relieve your family from that duty. I am well aware that they are near bankruptcy."

He would never have the money to pay for her treatments. However, this way he could look after her properly and prevent her family from losing their shrine.

"I- hm – I."

Marrying Sesshomaru. She was already mated to him which technically was a bit more permanent but… it was still a commitment. She owed him her life and she was in his debt; this would only deepen that debt.

"I can'-t impose like that. You've al-rea-dy done so much."

"Miko, I have already mated you. _Human _customs hold very little meaning to me. This is simply for your and your family's benefit. You are marked as mine and it is my duty to look after you. This is part of it."

His pride wanted her to accept. He no longer possessed any titles or luxuries. He worked long hours for a small salary and barely any benefits. He was unable to care for her as he could have in the past but _this_ he could do. Human marriage was nothing more than a piece of paper and it was much less significant than mating.

Guilt rose inside of her and stirred deep within. She was connected, bonded to him until the day she died. The marriage would mean nothing but it would save her family. Yet, she was unable to give an answer. She was taking advantage of Sesshomaru and his honor. Granted she did not ask for any of it but it did not make it right.

She could not keep taking from him.

"I ca-n't. It's too m-uch."

"It is a mere formality. It will not affect our lives any more than the mating did."

A part of her wanted him to drop it because the more he pushed it, the more tempted she was. Sesshomaru never really did anything out of the kindness of his heart. He did not do it because he _cared_ about her or her family. She knew for a fact it did not matter to him if they lost the shrine or not.

Despite the many years she spent in the Feudal Era, she was not familiar with youkais and their system of laws and honor. Maybe she was insulting him by refusing his proposition? _Ugh_, this was too confusing and she did not even have enough energy to focus her thoughts.

"I – I don-t want to a-buse your kind-ness."

_This is not kindness_, he felt like replying but instead he said, "I would not offer if it was an inconvenience." She seemed to be displeased by everything he did out of pack loyalty and honor. His original answer would not have pleased her.

She grazed her fingers against the ring and then nodded. "Ok-ay."

If they did this before she left the hospital, which she assumed was kind of the whole point, then she would be getting married… here, like this. Not quite the fairytale wedding all little girls dreamed of. Then again, destiny enjoyed crushing all her dreams and hopes, why should this situation be any different?

"I have already acquired the forms. I will need your birth certificate and we will need two signatures from two witnesses. You will also have to fill in your form."

Her birth certificate? Her _mother_ had that. If she were to ask for it, she would need to explain _why_. It seemed she would no longer be able to keep the whole situation a secret from her mother. Kagome pinched her lips tightly and nodded.

"She'll be he-re tomo-rrow. I'll ask fo-r it."

Sesshomaru bowed his head forward. He then peeked at the side table where paper and pens rested. He quickly wrote his phone number on it and left it there.

"If you mother should require to speak with me, she may contact me through this number."

He noticed the shift in her scent when he spoke of her birth certificate. It was clear she did not tell her mother what occurred yesterday and he assumed she might feel the need to speak with him. Humans were different than youkais. His kind offered their daughters away to the most powerful youkais or in exchange for luxury and power. Humans seemed more… _emotional_ about the whole situation. He felt her mother might need to confirm he could look after Kagome.

"T-hank you," she breathed out barely audibly.

He nodded.

"Re-ally, _thank you_. I don-t kn-ow how I'll e-ver re-pay you for this."

"There is no need."

And that was his goodbye. The conversation was leading nowhere; he did not need her to thank him. He did not _want_ to be thanked. He did not decide to help her. Her life became intertwined because of his half brother. He merely chose to fully honor his obligation by any means necessary. She proved to have worth and he rewarded that.

There was nothing else to it.

-R-

A light blue steaming pot of tea was placed right in the middle of the wooden table with two empty white cups beside it. Miyu was sitting across from it, her palms resting against the table. Her breathing was steady, her gaze roaming over every detail of the kitchen. She was sitting straight and her heart was pounding in her chest.

Her brown eyes were still red from her earlier conversation with Kagome. She never meant to cry, she never meant to _make_ her daughter cry but it all happened regardless. The words Kagome spoke were engraved in her mind and Miyu felt like a failure as a mother.

She understood why Kagome accepted Sesshomaru's proposition. He was giving her life; how could one refuse that? The marriage however brought her guilt. The only reason Kagome agreed to it was to spare them. She wanted to lessen their burden and the simple fact that, in her condition, Kagome was considering _them_ first – _it broke Miyu's heart_.

Kagome was young, too young, to take on all those responsibilities. She was too young to fall down that well many years ago. She was too young to be bounded and married to a man who was centuries older than her. Kagome turned eighteen years old sometimes during her cancer and she could make her own decisions. Miyu always trusted her judgment but she feared these choices were made because of a lack of better options.

Her daughter was weak, ill, and she was trying to make _everyone_ _else_ happier.

Miyu cried.

Kagome comforted _her_. Everything was upside down.

After a few hours, Miyu agreed to help. How could she not? In her heart, she did feel the same guilt as her daughter; she owed the man. Without Sesshomaru's help Kagome would have mere months left to live.

That was why she called him and set up a meeting with him. The conversation was short and he was polite but quiet. Now, she was waiting for him at the shrine.

Souta and grandpa were not present and she was relieved. How was she supposed to explain a situation she did not even understand? Plus, her father-in-law was not very… welcoming of youkais.

A knock on the door pulled her out of her thoughts. Slowly, she rose to her feet and headed to the door. When she opened it, she froze; the resemblance to Inuyasha was striking.

"Sesshomaru," she said before bowing politely.

He returned the gesture in silence before she invited him.

Sesshomaru watched the shrine from afar for many years but he never saw the inside. It was rusty, its original charm persevered, and one could call it _cozy_. Though, it was far better than the small apartment he lived it.

Her followed her to the kitchen and took a seat beside her.

"Tea?" she offered.

"Thank you," he kindly accepted.

She poured him a cup and he sipped it. Now that Kagome had short hair, he noticed she resembled her mother. Also, Miyu's scent felt _familiar_; it was almost the same as Kagome's.

"So you are Inuyasha's brother."

"_Half_," he corrected.

She smiled. "Yes, Kagome mentioned that."

Now that she was taking a better look at him, he did not truly look like Inuyasha. They shared the same amber eyes and silver hair but that was it. Inuyasha was more _boyish_ and rugged. Sesshomaru seemed a tad cold and his features were refined.

"I have the birth certificate," she casually mentioned before reaching out for it.

She handed it to Sesshomaru with a smile. "Thank you."

Sesshomaru tried to remain mostly quiet, waiting for her to speak her mind. There _was_ a reason she invited him over and he knew it was not simply to give him the documents he required.

"I appreciate what you have done for my daughter," she said glancing down at her cup. "Kagome says you did it because of an obligation?"

"Inuyasha asked me to make sure nothing happens to her."

"Your brother is - _was_ a good person. He was always welcome here and I trusted him with my daughter's life." Even in his last moments, Inuyasha cared about Kagome. "I know why she is doing this. She doesn't want to burden us." She sighed. "While I do not entirely approve of her reasons, I won't condone her choices. Kagome is free to make her own decisions."

After all, Kagome was always very good at making the right choice; she followed her heart.

"She _is _my daughter however and I do not know you." She could not even remember if her daughter ever mentioned him. "I'm also not certain if I understand, hm, _mating_, but Kagome made it sound rather permanent."

"It is."

"What do you expect out of my daughter?"

"Nothing."

Miyu raised an eyebrow. "She – _she is barely eighteen._ She might -"

"Kagome will be free to do as she wish. Whatever that might be." He already explained to her that if she found someone, she was free to be with him. He would divorce her and let her live her life as she saw fit.

Miyu was unable to prevent a smile from reaching her lips. "You do not know my daughter very well do you?" She softly gazed at him. "Kagome would never do that."

In her daughter's mind she owed this man her life. Unless he personally told her to leave, she would stay.

"Your daughter already feels as if she is imposing. I do believe she will leave if the occasion presents itself."

His voice lacked emotions, his eyes were dull. Each time he spoke his face remained neutral and his tone was the same. He was clearly not one for feelings but most of all – well, he seemed _lonely_. "How long have you been alone?"

For once, his mask cracked and a feeling of surprise flashed through his eyes. Alone? He was always alone. Jaken was by his side for a few centuries and Rin did not live older than sixty years old.

"I do not seek company."

"And yet you asked my daughter to marry you."

"I am -"

"Honoring an obligation. Yes, you mentioned that," she said almost teasingly.

She looked right into his eyes and _searched_ his gaze for a few moments before peering away. "If you have the forms I'll fill them for Kagome."

He blinked, stupefied that she handed her interrogation so abruptly. He recovered rather quickly and opened his suitcase to retrieve the forms. She took them from him, her smile never fading.

"I'll leave them with Kagome tomorrow."

"Thank you," he said as he rose to his feet. He then bowed to her and turned around before she could walk him to the door.

Miyu watched him leave and involuntarily chuckled. Kagome seemed to attract broken souls, people who did not know they needed someone, people who did not _want_ someone.

Old Kagome would have stubbornly fought him like she did Inuyasha. But her daughter was no longer that person. Back then it might have been good for her to have someone like him in her life… but now?

They were about to find out.

-R-

_Kagome Taisho. _

That officially became her name one week ago. Strangely, she did not see her _husband_ since the day she took his name. _Taisho_, she wondered why he picked that name… unless it was always his name?

Her head was resting against a pillow, a blanket tightly wrapped around her body. Keeping her eyes open was a battle she was losing. She spent the earlier morning doing tests. It seemed her nurses and doctors were a bit surprise by her good vitals and wanted to see what was going on. In a way, she hoped there were no _drastic_ changes. She had no desire to become a famous _miracle_ girl.

"Sleepy? I'm sure the excitement from your marriage left you tired, you poor thing."

The nurses did not fail to notice the change in her name. Of course, that brought forward a million questions and she could not answer any of them. Actually, she did. She confirmed _the man who often visits_ was her new husband. Except for that, she had no idea how to respond. _Where did you two meet? Oh five hundred years ago! Are you in love? Oh, yes, Sesshomaru is the most emotional person there ever was and he is so romantic. I love him. Not. _

Each time, she pretended to cough and be in pain so that they would leave her alone. She was not very good at lying and she knew they would be able to tell her stories were made up. Unfortunately, it was something she was going to have to work on. Eventually more people would ask and she needed answers.

"I just ne-ed to re-st," she said with a smile.

No more wedding talk. No more _true love_. She loved once and she lost that. She lost everything. This was not _true love_; this was a way to survive. Kami, she was bittersweet.

"I think it's so romantic. You know, him wanting to marry you now in cas-" The nurse's eyes widened as if she just realized what she was about to say. She chuckled nervously. "I mean, you know, marrying you because he loves you, not caring where and how."

Kagome forced a smile. _Yes how romantic of him_.

Well – the real story _kind of_ was. Or would be if it was anybody else but Sesshomaru. Or for different reasons. He did just rescue her from death.

"Miss Higu- oh, my apologies, _Mrs. Taisho_."

Kagome looked up only to catch a glimpse of her doctor walking into the room. He was holding his notepad close to his chest and seemed in a rather pleasant mood.

"I have your test results."

Her heart skipped a beat and she waited impatiently.

"I do believe your condition _is_ improving!" It was rare, but not unheard of, for patient to unexpectedly feel better for short periods of time. In her case he was sure the wedding contributed to it. Nonetheless, good news was good news no matter how long it lasted. "Your lungs have improved as well. I'm sure you noticed that breathing was easier."

Was it? She did not think she could remember what normal breathing was like.

"A l-ittle." Everyone was _so_ happy. She did not want to ruin their happiness.

"Oh _looks like you have visitor!_" exclaimed the nurse.

There, in the corner of the room, was Sesshomaru. After a whole week of torment, he was finally fully back to being himself. No more weakness, no more pain. He did not know if it was because she was better or because she stopped stealing his energy but he was grateful. There was no way he could afford losing more work days.

"Mr. Taisho?" the doctor asked uncertain.

Sesshomaru nodded.

The doctor beamed with joy. "You're here just in time. I was just telling your wife how much her condition has improved! I'm sure the wedding helped."

So she _was_ feeling better. The week made him feel aggravated, out of patience and cranky. He already had a very low tolerance for idiots and this pushed him to new limits. Hopefully, it was over for good.

The doctor and nurse walked past him, leaving him and Kagome alone.

"I though-t I was-n't gonn-a see you ag-ain," she said, breaking the silence.

"I was busy."

She noticed that it was a bit strange to be in his presence now. Her miko senses were more awake now and she felt _him_, she felt the connection they had. His visits were also awkward. Before, he would sit, tell a few stories and leave. Now, it was as if neither had anything to say.

"Have you decided where you will live?"

"Uh?"

He sighed. "You will be leaving this hospital soon. Your state will improve and you will return home. Will you be returning to the shrine?"

"Whe-re else am I suppo-sed to go?"

"My apartment."

Oh. He was – he expected her to live with him? Then again, _marriage_ and _mating_ pretty much led to that.

"We are married and you are from a shrine. I believed this was an appropriate arrangement. However, you are free to live where you please."

It would be harder to provide for her if she lived at the shrine since money was not something he had but he would not force her in any situation. His main goal was to save her from death and he did. Everything else was up to her.

"No I m-ean, it ma-kes sense."

He was her husband. Wives usually lived with their husbands. Then again, they were also _usually _in love. If she went home, everyone would take care of her, that she needed help of not. Sesshomaru on the other hand had a job and would be gone for most of the day. She _knew_ he would not go out of his way to do everything for her. For too long now she had someone watch over her.

She could ask him if he was sure but at this point, she was certain that moving in with him was not a big deal. He did mate _and_ marry her.

"I wi-ll live with yo-u."

Maybe this way, she would be able to repay him for his kindness.

"I will make the necessary arrangements."

At the moment, there was no room for her. His apartment only had one bedroom but it did have an office. He would have to turn it into a room for her. He did not see the point in spending money to move. The location of his apartment was perfect and it worked with his budget. His expenses were going to be higher now that she would live with him and a bigger place was not a luxury he could afford.

"Tha-nk you."

"Contact me when they are ready to send you home. I will pick you up."

Her presence was slightly uncomfortable. Now that they were bonded, her feelings echoed through him and it displeased him. She was a very emotional creature.

She nodded.

He sounded so optimistic when he talked about her recovery, as if it was a sure thing. He even made it sound like it would happen soon.

It seemed that freedom was no longer out of reach.

-R-


	4. The Problem

**A/N:** I'm sure that if I went through this, I would find a million mistakes. I basically have had time to write between midnight and four in the morning. So tired.

Anyways, thank you for the reviews guys! :) You're all so sweet!

**Red Lotus**

**4. The Problem**

Sweat was forming at the base of Kagome's neck as she gripped her fingers around the toilet seat . She was panting, tears forming in her eyes, while she prayed her moment of sickness was over. Kagome spent the last hour puking her guts out in terrible agony. Her throat was awfully irritated and each time she gagged, she winced in pain.

_No more, no more,_ she begged in silence

Since she was doing _marvelous_ and going through a maybe miraculous recovery, they were blasting her cancer with more treatments because _this was her chance to get better_ or at least, it would apparently give her more time. Obviously Kagome could not tell them that she did not _need_ the treatments. Instead, she had to put her body through hell all over again. She dreaded each morning with a shiver.

She sensed another wave of sickness coming over and tilted her head forward to avoid making a mess on the floor. _It happened again, and again, again_.

Moments passed, and they felt like hours, before she finally felt slightly better. She dropped her exhausted body on the ground, her head hitting the floor. She did not even care as a loud echo traveled through her brain. She stretched out her limbs as best she could and closed her eyes. She was tired, _so tired_.

She _was_ doing better but it had yet to show physically. Her breathing was better but she remained exhausted and all of her body ached. Because of the long amount of time she spent in the hospital, she lost most of her muscles strength. Lifting her own body proved to be a challenge nowadays. The recovery process was never ending. First she needed to beat the cancer, then her body had to heal… then she needed to learn how to do every day things again.

Simply thinking about it made her even more tired. All of this required will power and she was not certain she had any left. _Hope_ was not enough to fuel her at the moment.

Some days, everything was fine. She remembered this light, this hope, she remembered she was going to get better. Then there were the _other_ days; the ones where she felt like giving up because it was too much work to keep fighting. She did not like those days.

Today was one of them.

She could no longer fool herself by thinking that once it was all over, she would not be sad anymore. The moment she became sick, she evolved into a new person. There was no going back.

Pain shot through her body and she groaned. She was no longer able to open her eyes. She wanted to rest. She forgot how intense the treatments were sometimes and she wanted to sleep and wake up once she was better. _Yes_, that sounded nice.

And she did - or at least she tried.

For a brief instant, time stood still and darkness claimed her. She was half groggy when hands grabbed her shoulders, lifting her upper body off the ground. When she opened her eyes, the light was bright. Not only that but she was also staring at a familiar face. _Sesshomaru_. He was staring at her, his golden eyes void of any emotions like usual.

Except, he looked different. He had markings which meant he actually looked _normal_. She welcomed the sight.

Kagome raised her hand, her fingers absently reaching for his face. She always wondered if they feel like skin? Were they _soft_? She never got to touch Inuyasha's; any time they appeared they had to calm him down before it was too late.

Her index finger made contact with his cheek and she trailed it along one of his magenta stripes. _Yes, _soft – and fuzzy almost.

She went completely limp in his hold, her body exhausted. It hurt, it hurt so much. Kagome did not recall ever feeling like this. She was going to live but she felt like she was going to die. Maybe death was better.

Mindlessly, she clenched her fingers around his shirt, crisping the fragile silk fabric. She wanted to say, _help_, but the words never made it past her lips.

Instead, she fell unconscious.

-R-

The chair creaked.

The scent coming from the bathroom was repulsive.

The light was awful and hurting his eyes.

The machines were beeping too loud and giving him a headache.

Despite all these reasons, and many more, he remained at the hospital. He was sitting in an odious green chair right by her bed. Frankly, he _had_ to stay. This hospital's staff was terrible. If he did not found her on the floor and brought her to her bed, how long would she have stayed there?

Also, what did they do to her?

She was supposed to be getting _better_, not worse.

He was tired of coming to this hospital and everything about it revolted him. Unfortunately, now that he was her husband and she was under _his_ health insurance, his presence was _constantly_ needed. He only wanted to take the Miko _home_ and be done with all of this non-sense. All of his free time was spent here and he was growing aggravated.

As a nurse walked down the hall with a patient, a stench attacked his nose. Sesshomaru pinched the bridge of his nose certain he was going to lose his calm.

He looked at Kagome who was still asleep. Despite the fact that he carefully wrapped a blanket around her earlier, she managed to kick it off. Her sleep was restless. Of course it was; they were _killing _her. Her body, her powers, knew she was healing. Her cancer was no longer the intruder; the treatments were. _They _were making her sick and her body was fighting against it.

She was lucky there were no youkais around. He was able to feel her surge of power from the hall. That was when he found her on the floor. Her body was fighting against itself. How could she get better under such circumstances?

Sesshomaru planned she would remain in the hospital until her condition was stable. Unfortunately, the doctors were making her worse. It might be best to take her with him but… she still needed a _lot_ of assistance. He worked fulltime and was not able to give her the care she required. Then again, leaving her here was harmful and would lengthen her healing process.

He sighed, aggravated.

A groan pulled him out of his thoughts and he glanced at Kagome. She was stirring in her bed, trying to open her eyes. Once she finally managed to do so, she seemed rather confused. She looked to her left then her right before her eyes settled on Sesshomaru. A marking-less Sesshomaru.

When did he get here? Did she not – she thought she dreamed he was here.

"You are ill."

She blinked. Well, _obviously_.

"These treatments are not good for you," he explained while fighting the urge to roll his eyes.

"They're k-ill-ing my c-ancer."

"They are killing _you_. Your body is better. Those treatments are making you sick."

It seemed she truly could not get a break. If it was not one thing, it was another.

"Wh-at am I supposed to d-o?"

He was still attempting to figure it out. As long as she was getting better, it should not matter if she was miserable at the hospital. Nonetheless, it was getting tiring for him to constantly visit her. Not to mention all the work he missed. Perhaps they could find someone to look after her at his apartment? It appeared to be the most convenient solution for everyone.

"You will leave the hospital now and begin living with me immediately."

"I-am still sick."

"You will get better. It will be faster if you are not here. They are slowing down your healing."

Until he told her, she did not even know that her miko powers were keeping her alive. Sesshomaru was more knowledgeable than her when it came to this subject and perhaps she should listen to him. Although, she thought she would have more time before moving in with Sesshomaru. Apparently not.

"O-kay. How d-o I do it?"

"I will take care of it as long as this is what you want."

She nodded.

Kagome did not know how it was going to work but, if it meant she would be better then she was all for it. She could not stand spending another day throwing up. The memory of her previous sickness was enough to cause her guts to twist.

He rose up to his feet, glad to finally be able to leave the hospital. The horrible stenches were even beginning to make him dizzy. He smoothened the wrinkles on his suit before straightening himself.

"I will return when they allow me to take you…_home_." The word did not feel natural. He was not sure he liked it.

Even Kagome almost winced.

"T-hank you," she said, regardless.

She leaned her head on her pillow and watched him leave her alone like she did many times in the past. Moving in with him seemed like the perfect compromised when he proposed it. Yet now, she wondered how living with him was going to work. They were very different people. Not that it mattered anymore.

All she knew was that her new life with Sesshomaru was beginning sooner than expected.

-R-

The hospital's staff did not seem happy she was leaving. To tell the truth, they were against it. They did voice that her sudden recovery might be a flux. Regardless, she – actually Sesshomaru – expressed her desire to spend her remaining time with her husband. After three days of discussions and tests, they settled with her having a check up every week or two.

She could hardly blame them. They were trying to save her life after all. How were they to know she mated a strong youkai and she was going to be fine?

Once it was all taken care of, Sesshomaru came to pick her up. As per the law, he escorted her out of the building in a wheelchair and she smiled the moment they stepped outside of the hospital. This was not like that time he took her out. This time, she was never coming back. She was _free_.

Expectedly, the car ride to his apartment was very quiet. As a matter of fact, she dozed off for most of it. The excitement, the racing of her heart and the rush of adrenaline drained her of her little bit of energy she had left. It was not until she felt the car coming to a stop that she woke up.

Befuddled, she glanced around. It was then that Sesshomaru opened her door and stared at her, piercing through her soul.

"Do you require assistance or are you able to walk?"

_Walk_? She was not sure she trusted her legs. After all, most of the time she was forced to crawl.

"I do-n't think my legs wi-ll work."

He nodded before snaking an arm around her neck and the other beneath her knees. In one swift motion, he lifted her up and began to carry her to the door bridal style. If Kagome was not so exhausted, she might find this situation funny. It was almost strange how natural the gesture seemed to him.

"Your mother brought most of your belongings last night."

He was forced to call the woman once again since he could not afford to buy Kagome brand new… everything. On top of that, he assumed she would seek the safety of familiar objects during this transition.

Her mom. Maybe she could ask her to visit. This was… her home too now, right?

"Thank yo-u."

Once he reached the door, he put her down on her feet and she slowly balanced herself by pressing her palm against the wall. He unlocked the door and held it open for her. She dragged her feet against the floor, her hands following the wall.

As soon as she was inside she noticed how _crowded_ it was. The living room was filled with a long brown leather couch, a television and other trivial things but what was taking up most of the space was the fact that three file cabinets and a computer desk were _stuffed_ in the corner.

Sesshomaru would never pill things up like this.

"I transformed my office into a bedroom for you," he said as if he could read her thoughts.

"Sorry."

"I offered this arrangement. You have nothing to apologize about."

He dropped his keys into the key bowl by the door and then gestured towards a door. "Do you require further assistance?"

She shook her head. She already felt guilty enough that he gave up his home office for her. When he offered, she thought he had room for her, not that he was going to make some. Maybe it was because she always pictured Sesshomaru as royalty. In her mind, he had a huge house and a pretty luxurious life.

Kagome took little steps, pressing her body against the wall to keep her balance. Her legs were trembling and pain traveled through her body. She felt the urge to pant and her skin became sticky with sweat after a mere few steps. She sensed Sesshomaru was nearby but she never turned around to look at him. She desperately wanted to do this on her own.

Unfortunately, things did not go her way.

As Kagome tried to take another step, her right leg gave up. She hit the ground hard, her rear offering no protection from the shock. Granted that was probably because there was no _fat_ left on her to absorb the shock.

Kagome was not even given a chance to open her eyes before she felt arms wrap around her waist. He lifted her off the ground and pressed her back against his chest. This time, instead of picking her up he threw her arm around his neck. Sesshomaru kept one of his arms around her waist and helped her the rest of the way.

She was proud, he remembered that much.

The salty scent of tears attacked his nose and he figured this was the only way to not wound her pride even more. Kagome's vision was all blurry, tears threatening to fall but she held them back. It was her first day here and she refused to cry already.

It took them a while but they made it to the bedroom. It was simple, nice and elegant. The walls were a coffee color, cream curtains hung in front of the window, a wooden desk was in the corner along with a dresser and a bed with a chocolate comforter was in the middle. However, the detail that caught her attention was the bed's side rails.

All she could think of was _hospital_.

She was slightly upset and he could smell it. "They can be removed."

He found her asleep on the floor once. He would not get up every night to pick her up if she fell on the ground. This was safer for her until she recovered fully.

She nodded. "Tha-nk you for this. I me-an, yo-u didn't need to spend mo-ney on me."

"I am not _poor_." He almost sounded offended.

He might not have the means to take care of expensive hospital bills but he did not live in the street either. He made enough to live somewhat comfortably and he could certainly afford to have her around.

"Your mother organized everything. I will have a television brought into your bedroom this week."

He did not quite planned on it but seeing how walking was difficult for her he had no other choice. He imagined it would be rather boring to be locked up in the same room all day. After spending so much time in a hospital, she was probably aching for something _more_.

"I ca-n just go in the li-ving room."

"Hn." He would buy one regardless. "Do you require any food?"

"I do-n't think I could kee-p it down."

He nodded.

An awkward silence settled between them. She was not sure if she should move and he was not sure if he should leave. This might be her home too now but it would take a while before she was comfortable. Especially since she was now living with _Sesshomaru_. She did welcome his cold attitude but it was not the homiest feeling.

"I'll be o-kay."

Then he was gone.

There she was.

_Home_.

-R-

Darkness surrounded her by the time she opened her eyes. At first, she was a little confused. Then, she realized that she fell asleep… as soon as Sesshomaru left her alone earlier. She was still in her clothes, laying on top of the blanket. As she moved around slightly, her stomach began to growl. When was the last time she ate?

She was so terrified of throwing up again that she stayed away from food. It seemed her stomach was not very happy with her.

As if on cue, a silhouette appeared in the doorway. She had to blink a few times to see it was Sesshomaru. He was holding a bowl in his hands as he approached her.

He heard her stir from her _long_ rest and her stomach's growls were also hard to ignore. He never expected her to sleep for that long but he was not complaining. Maybe if she kept this up, it would make their current situation easier. He still had yet to figure out what he would do with her during the day. At the moment, it was around three in the morning. Technically he had to leave for work in four hours. Of course, he could not abandon her by herself in the apartment.

He planned on staying home today. He would _like_ to go to work and earn money but she was his responsibility.

Sesshomaru offered her the bowl and watched as she struggled to hold it. Giving up, she put it down on her lap. Slowly, she slurped at it. Sesshomaru's ears twitched in aggravation but he did his best to ignore the noise.

"Do you ha-ve to work?"

"I do. However, I have taken the day off. You cannot be left alone."

"You can't st-ay here every-day."

"I do not plan on it."

Guilt swirled inside of her. She could work on getting better – faster. Maybe if she got some sort of cane or support, she could move around more. He needed to work and she did not want to get in his way.

"I will be fi-ne on my own."

He shook his head. "I was aware that this would be an issue when I offered."

Kagome knew he probably did not mean it that way but when he used such words she felt like she was the worst burden in the world.

"You can't ke-ep missing work." This was temporary. The moment she would get some strength back in her legs, she would not need anyone to watch over her. "I'm su-re my mother could come over for a li-ttle while."

He remained stoic and she guessed he was thinking over her suggestion. "I'll as-k her my-self."

"If she agrees, I will go to work."

"What ti-me is it?"

"Three."

"I'll ca-ll her in three hours. Does that gi-ve you en-ough time?"

He nodded.

"Thank y-ou for this," she said before pointing at her soup. Hopefully her stomach would allow her to keep it down.

She almost expected Sesshomaru to leave but instead, he stayed by her side. Perhaps it was a habit from visiting her at the hospital. That or he did not trust her to eat her soup without making a mess.

Silence between them was nice before but now it gave her goose bumps. She wanted him to talk, to say anything. He was terribly busy lately and he did not tell her any stories. There was _one_ she was dying to know.

"Why are you a-lone?"

"I have not found a suitable mate."

"All this ti-me and you didn't fi-nd any-one? Did you find any-one attrac-tive?"

He did not know how to explain it to her because he was certain she would not understand. She was human and her feelings ruled her. Also, from what he remembered, she always sought company.

"I will find a mate and have an heir because I need to not because I want to. I have no interest in this triviality you refer to as love."

Her eyes saddened. "Every-body loves someone. Y-you lo-ved Rin."

"I took care of Rin in the same manner I am taking care of you."

No. He loved the little girl. When she came around, Sesshomaru became a new person. She _saw _it. She _felt_ it.

"F-fine. You might not lo-ve but you co-uld still wa-nt someone."

"I have never felt the desire to _rut_."

Kagome knew Sesshomaru was not one to feel much but to never even want someone sexually? Did he really love no one but himself? He had honor, he respected laws and pack rules. How could he never feel the need to be with another human being? Loneliness and coldness had to get old eventually.

The thought of him so alone broke her heart.

Even when Inuyasha did not want her, even when he picked death _and _Kikyo over her, she still loved. She _wanted_ to love. Sesshomaru kept Rin and Jaken around and there had to be a reason for that. She refused to believe he never wanted anyone.

It was too sad.

"You wo-uld just for-ce your-self to be with someone? But if you don't thi-nk they are attr-active…"

"Everything _works_," he nearly snapped. "I simply have no desire to use it." Usually, he did not mind her question but she was irritating him today.

_Oh_. So it was his mind that did not want it, not his body?

Now that her health was beginning to improve, her miko powers were more alert and she was able to faintly sense auras again. She knew it was best for her to drop the topic now since Sesshomaru did not seem to be in a good mood. Apparently, this was not his favorite topic.

"May-be you haven't found the ri-ght per-son yet."

"Miko, I have known many people in my lifetime. There is no right person; it is a mere fairytale you humans use to romanticize love."

Five hundred years and Sesshomaru did not change at all. He did not consider himself a human despite the years he spent trying to blend in. He remained a proud Lord Youkai. Did he live alone all this time? Was it why he stayed the same?

"I wo-uld be lonely," she said, ending the conversation.

She quietly resumed eating her food and he remained by her side in silence. She had an opinion about everything. He was not even sure why she enjoyed it when he spoke. His voice lacked emotions and he obviously did not like it.

Life was going to be _different_.

-R-

Kagome's mother was more than happy to come and help. Although she did not do much during her stay since Kagome mostly slept. Her body was recovering from the treatments and rest seemed to be the only way to go. Miyu did do a lot of exploring and most of what she found confirmed what she already thought.

Sesshomaru _was_ alone.

Inside, there were no pictures, no decoration. Everything matched, everything was _cold_ and lacked life. There was no personal touch on anything. It was very _him_.

He did treat her daughter right however and she was still very grateful for what he did. Nonetheless, the sight of the apartment brought tears to her eyes. Her baby, her daughter was married – mated even – and none of it was done out of love. She knew Sesshomaru would hold his end of the bargain, that he would let her go if she found someone but…

Despite her daughter having _life_, she wanted her to have happiness also. Would she let herself have it?

Currently, Kagome was working hard, locked away in her bedroom; she was trying to train her muscles. Miyu gave her privacy and chose to sit in the living room with a book instead.

Her thoughts and reading were interrupted by the sound of the door unlocking. She cast a glance in the direction of the door and watched as Sesshomaru walked in. His day at work was painfully long. Some people did not understand the meaning of _private life_ and shared with everyone that he almost missed work today because his sick wife was coming home.

The annoying humans he worked with spent their day asking him many irritating questions. He ignored all of them but was unfortunately unable to complete tune out their shrieking voices.

Once he felt eyes lingered on his body, he tilted his head to the side. He bowed his head. "Mrs. Higurashi."

"Kagome is trying to get some of her strength back," she said looking at the closed bedroom door.

From where he stood, he could hear her grunts.

"I made dinner. Kagome was not certain if you ate… human food but I figured since you had food…"

He did not really eat. At least, he did not need to but after spending years pretending to be human, it became a habit to eat their food. Usually, he did not have much but he bought a lot of groceries before Kagome's arrival.

"Thank you." He dropped his suitcase by the door and walked further in to the room. "I will find a more suitable way to deal with this situation. I thank you for coming."

Miyu smiled. "She's my daughter. I don't mind looking after her. You've already done enough for us."

"I only did what was right."

"I know."

Miyu rose to her feet and walked towards Kagome's bedroom. She knocked softly before leaning in. "Kagome, Sesshomaru is home."

The grunts ceased and a loud _thud_ followed. Kagome let herself drop down on her bed. Her entire body was coated in a layer of sweat and she was not sure if she ever felt this disgusting before. She spent hours trying to move her legs properly but she failed.

No matter how much effort she put into it, the best she could do was sit on the bed, lean against the wall and give small kicks. Maybe she was trying to do too much the first day. Maybe she needed to give herself some time. It simply bothered her that she was out of her prison but still felt like she was in one.

She was locked inside her own body.

"_Mom_," she whispered. She did try to say it louder but she had yet to find her voice.

Miyu seemed to hear her and opened the door. "Did you want to get up?"

"Please."

She rushed to her side and helped her to sit. Once Kagome was steady, she grabbed her mother, putting her weight on her, and stood up. She wobbled all the way to the living room, Miyu holding on to her the entire time.

"Hey," she said as she sat down on the couch.

He offered her a silent nod. Sesshomaru did not make pointless conversation, he did not ask about her day or her health.

Miyu glanced at her daughter, then at her husband while a smile tugged at her lips. "Your brother is going to be home soon, I should go back."

"I thank you for your help and the food," Sesshomaru said with a bow.

She dismissed him with a wave of her hand. "Nonsense. It was my pleasure."

Miyu bent down and pressed a kiss on Kagome's forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Nobody asked her to return tomorrow but she knew Kagome still needed help. It was silly to let someone else look after her daughter when she could do it. Plus, for the first time Kagome was not returning _home_. She planned on enjoying all these little moments with her.

Kagome leaned into her mother's embrace, her eyes closed. Once Miyu pulled away, she forced a smile.

She left quietly, leaving Sesshomaru and Kagome by themselves.

"I didn't kno-w if you a-te," she said pointing at the food.

"Sometimes."

Kagome cast a glance around, examining the room. It was then that she noticed the movies by the television. Somehow, she did not quite picture Sesshomaru sitting down on the couch and watching a movie. Then again, what did he do all night? He probably did not sit down and wait for the morning.

"Movies?" she asked.

"Humans watch movies. It is _normal_."

"Do you do a lot of th-ings because hu-mans do them?"

"Humans are much harsher towards my kind than they used to be."

He used to think he was almighty, that nobody could strike him down and especially not _humans_. His pride almost cost him his life. He quickly learned that humans had no honor when they fought. Anything was allowed. They began burning youkais alive, slicing them to pieces, and torturing them in unspeakable ways.

At one point, the only way to live was to flee.

It almost killed him to be such a coward but he had no other choice. It seemed that humans were crueler than youkais. Who would have thought?

The youkais that remained never forgot what happened. The ones born into this new world were told the tales of the past. Over the years, they blended but became less wary of humans. He never put his guard down. He would act like them, he would pretend to be one of them, but he would never be _human_. He simply went through the motions.

When he told Kagome stories, he never lied but he never chose the gruesome ones. He never told her the horrors he saw with his own two eyes, the monstrous acts that disgusted even _him._

"They d-on't know you ex-ist."

"What would they do if they knew?"

Once again, the way he spoke made her heart heavy with sadness. He did not have feelings, he did not wish for love and he did not trust anyone.

"Not every-one would hurt y-ou."

"Not every human is like you, Miko."

She dared to tilt her head to look into his eyes. She was wrong. He was not the same Sesshomaru as in the past: he was a different person. This Sesshomaru sought loneliness even more and was more indifferent to power.

The way he glanced at her made her almost uncomfortable. "How ab-out a mo-vie?"

He never watched any of the movies he owned. Nonetheless, he got up and looked at his _collection_. He threw a glance her way, waiting for her suggestion.

"Surpri-se me."

He blinked. Surprise her? He disliked surprises. He also was not very skilled at _surprises_. He dragged one of his fingers down the pile and eventually came to a stop. He snatched out the movie and popped it into the DVD player. Once it started, he resumed his position on the couch.

Sesshomaru did not have to stay. He did not have to watch it. Actually, he had better things to do at the moment. But he stayed.

She was back to being quiet and was no longer asking any questions about him or his past. It was a relief to know that even with her around he could actually _relax_ and not get a headache. Chitchat was not his strong suit.

Kagome stared at the television, her eyes threatening to close. She was very awake a few minutes ago; how could she be falling asleep already? Then again, she did not have the first clue of what was happening inside of her body.

Minutes ticked away and her eyelids grew heavier and heavier.

Then it happened. As soon as she fell asleep, she stopped holding herself up. Slowly, her body leaned to the left and before Sesshomaru could stop her or even move out of the way, she was resting her body against his, her head lying on his shoulder.

Sesshomaru remained unfazed.

She had a fever. He could tell because of the warmth spreading from her body to his. He was not comfortable with closeness. It was irritating.

He looked at her, almost glaring, but she peacefully slept. The proper thing to do would be to pick her up and bring her into her bedroom. His mind was willing but his body did not move.

A sigh rolled off his lips before he re-focused his attention on the television. The entire time the movie played, he did not pay attention. How _annoying_.

Now, he needed to figure out what it was about.

Sesshomaru dug his elbow in the armrest and then he rested his chin in his palm. He _hated_ movies.

-R-


	5. The Process

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews guys. Sorry the updates I've been a little slow. I sort of got sick for a whole week. Food poisoning. It was pretty bad lost like almost 15 pounds in three days. Once I was better, I was feeling a little weak and being on the computer was hard. I want to say the updates are going to be faster now, _but _ I'll be going to **France for two weeks.** (I'm leaving in 5 days) and I won't be able to write for a while. Thanks for your understanding.

Not beta-ed. I'm sure there's a billion mistakes.

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 5: The Process**

The days that followed were almost enjoyable.

After two days, Kagome picked up a routine. It included spending time with her mother during the morning, foolishly attempting to regain muscle strength in the afternoon and silently _enjoying_ Sesshomaru's company in the evening. It might not seem like much but to her it was. Hints of her previous strength might be coming back but she lacked energy and endurance still. Each time she did her best and it seemed enough.

Until her little, painful set back happened.

She never planned for it, she never anticipated it. Sesshomaru pulled her out of the hospital because the treatments were killing her while her body was healing on its own - or rather because of his youki. What neither of them planned was how her miko powers kept the chemicals at bay. During her few days with him, her body's miko defenses lowered, since her health was improving, and the chemicals hit her all at once.

The numbness, she could deal with it. The pain stabbing at her lungs? Tolerable, nothing she did not suffer through in the past. The part that destroyed her the most was the painless one. The small, short, rugged little duvet of hair on top of her head was gone. Once more, her hair was the first to go. Some of her eyelashes and eyebrows followed as well. For the second time, she found herself bald.

It sounded shallow and selfish but truly, she could not care less. She looked like death, horrifying and disgusting. Her cheeks were sunk in, skin was stretched over bones and dark hallows of black - most of them bruises - decorated her body. All she was asking for was _hair_. But she did not have it.

Now, instead of looking healthier like she had in the past few days, she looked worse off.

She did not follow her routine that morning. When her mother arrived, she remained under the blanket. She did not speak. Miyu knocked, she came in but she did not obtain a word out of Kagome. When the afternoon hit, Kagome was still lying in bed with no intention of getting up and exercising. When _he_ came home and her mother left she did not say goodbye to her and she did not greet him.

He did not bother her. He left her to her solitude, never even walking near her room. Why would he? He _hung out_ with her because he had nothing else to do; she invaded his life.

A few times, she ran her hand over bald head, missing her hair. It was short and ugly but she loved it. She spent the entire day with tears in her eyes, not a single of them rolling down her cheek. There was no for sadness; she lost her hair but she would get it back. She would get healthier.

It hurt nonetheless.

When her alarm flashed in bright red that it was midnight, her stomach growled. It was late and she had yet to eat. In the past, not eating was satisfying because it took too much energy and she had none to waste. Now that her body was overworking, trying to fix the damage within her, she needed more food. Her stomach was quite upset with her and she realized it would not leave her alone until she fed it.

A weak sigh rolled off her lips before lifting the warm blankets and tossing them away from her body. She shivered but grabbed the nightstand regardless. She used it to lift herself up and in a few moments she was standing on wobbly feet. Her lack of exercise today was already showing and she _almost_ regretted it.

Forever went by when she reached the kitchen. It was clean; spotless. Unfortunately she did not think she could make herself anything and Sesshomaru probably was not the kind to have little homemade meals all ready in the fridge. Her eyes scanned the counter until they landed on a can of soup. _That would do_. Except, she did not have the first clue a to where the can opener was located. Her lips were tightly pinched together as she opened each drawer until she found it.

She brought the can closer to her and began trying to open it. Sadly for her, it required an arm strength she did not possess.

Though, it was not a problem for long.

Before she could even register his presence beside her, Kagome jolted in surprise at the sight of Sesshomaru. His large hand was resting on top of hers, giving the added strength to open the can. Once it opened, he pulled away from her.

"Sit," was his only word, his tone a little cold.

Did she think he slept? Did she think he did not hear her move and make noises? Anything she did was a disturbance and he slept lightly - when he slept. He was going to leave her alone and let her do as she pleased all night, much like he had done in the morning but when he sensed her frustration rose, he knew he had to get involved. Sensing her disturbed aura disturbed _him_.

Her mother spoke with concern in her voice each time she addressed the issue of Kagome's strange behavior of today but he knew better. Seeking solitude was hardly a symptom. Especially since in her case, she always felt guilty for putting her family through all of this. It was only natural that all she would want now is for them to go on with their life without worrying about her.

It was not until he stepped out of his bedroom and into the kitchen that he found out the real reason why she preferred to hide herself from others once again. It was her _hair _or her lack of actually. He was not one to notice haircuts but it was fairly difficult to miss the fact that she had absolutely no hair.

He heard her drag her feet until she plopped down on the nearby chair, resting her arms on the table. He emptied the content of the can in a soup and added a spoon before handing it to her. Luckily, janchi guksu was eaten cold because he had no plans of standing over a hot stove and cooking a meal. That was perhaps a side he appreciated to having her mother take care of her during the day. He did not need to concern himself with making food.

On top of that, he was not certain he knew what she could and could not eat. He heard her throw up a few times since her arrival and the stench was horrifying to his nose; he did not need to provoke another sickness from her.

"Thank you," she said before digging her spoon in.

"You did not eat today," he stated.

She shrugged. "I fe-lt sick." It was not a lie. On top of losing her hair, a wave of sickness also washed over her in the morning and the scent of food alone nearly made her throw up. Her poor throat could not handle it.

"It will grow back," he finally said, assuming he had to say _something_. Her sadness was overtaking her regular scent and it could no longer be ignored.

"I know."

Complaining and sulking made her feel selfish, yet the desire to wallow in self pity was stronger than anything else. She had gotten good at it over the past few months. "I know I'm ge-tting better and it doesn't ma-tter." She glanced down. "Even if the cancer is go-ne, I'm still under-weight, I still look si-ck. If I have short ha-ir, they think I'm wi-ld or a tom-boy. If I'm bald they just think po-or little s-ick girl."

She inhaled deeply a few time to catch her breath. She was not used to long speeches yet and it was difficult for her to talk for a long time. Her lungs felt like they were ready to collapse.

Kagome supposed her point did not make much sense right now, at least not to him. She was in the house all the time. Though, she figured she would go outside once she could walk on her own - she missed the fresh air. Unfortunately, by then her hair would not be back - and she would still look sick and weak. There was always the option of ignoring the stares people would throw her way but it was hard. Even more if the people whispered.

"Their opinion holds no value." Why did she concern herself with trivial things? He recalled her _not_ caring when people pointed at her strange clothes in the Feudal Era. If she did, she would have changed into a miko attire or a kimono. Did she not remember being _stronger_ than this?

"I know."

She was sick and tired of looking like a ghost, like a shell of her previous self. All she wanted was to find some dignity and happiness. Each time she took a step in the right direction, something dragged her back to the start. It was exhausting - and hopeless.

The conversation died but he remained standing in front of her, watching her eat. She took a few sips, chewed the noodles as best she could and dropped the spoon, splashing some of the cold brother on the wood of the table. She absently wiped it off with her fingers and then, wipe it on her shirt.

Silence tickled at her and she decided to break it. "Why a bank?"

Question, always a question, he noted. "I had the necessary qualifications to work there."

"I thought you'd be ri-ch. Five hund-red years? You can do any-thing."

"A human could," he answered, slightly annoyed. "The world began changing a few decades after Inuyasha's death. Some youkais fought humans and there was war and blood. We were forced into hiding. Some of us might easily slip into a humanoid form but it does not give us a complete human appearance. It took a long time to perfect it. We lived in caves and dens - any forsaken corner of the land humans did not dare to venture."

Sesshomaru was blessed enough to have spent that century or two alone. He always assumed it was mostly because other youkais could sense his aura and they knew it was preferable to not impose on him.

"Once we managed to mingle, we had to hide our immoralities. _School_s and other establishments keep records. The more traces there is, the harder it is to make a new identity. We blended in and took menial employment."

Her heart sunk and she nodded. She never imagined it would be _that_ difficult to be a youkai in the modern era. She always assumed their near immortality would give them the upper hand and would allow them to thrive in this world.

"I'm so-rry."

"Your apology is pointless. You did not cause this."

"But hu-man did. I'm human."

"You're a miko." To him, that was _above_ regular humans - especially those of this era.

Being a miko served one purpose; it kept her alive long enough to be saved by Sesshomaru. It did also change her life; if she was not who she was, she would have never fallen down the well and she would not be sitting in this chair, mated to Sesshomaru.

"Roles will be reversed again one day." He did not think they would ever peacefully live together. Not because youkais who hunt down humans but because humans always attacked what they feared.

"If people mix en-ough…"

He cut her off. "Youkais rarely let a human bear them a child."

"W-hy not?"

"How would one explain the hanyou? Not every human would accept the existence of youkais and one mistake could endanger us all."

"But you might go ex-tinct if you don't."

"Youkais stay with youkais."

In the past, people avoided hanyous because it was shameful. Now, it was all about survival. Hanyous never had a chance no matter the era and it saddened her greatly.

"They do not hate hanyous, it is simply not worth the risk."

"I under-stand."

He made it sound so easy to _not_ have children with humans. She knew that according to him, it never appealed to him to be with anyone but she was also aware that it was not the case with every youkais. Some of them probably fell in love, head over heels, and wanted a family with the _one_. Yet, they could not and she wondered if many tried. She was certain that _some_ people understood. Not everyone could be close minded.

"I gue-ss you'll want a full bloo-ded heir."

"It hardly matters."

His response baffled her. His hatred of Inuyasha in the past was legendary. He mocked his _weakness_ and used his human mother against him. Why would he not care if his children were full youkais or hanyous?

"Do you require any assistance to return to your room?"

And just like that, the conversation was over.

-R-

More days passed and they did not speak with one and another. Most nights, she was too tired to even attempt to stay awake. Her body was working hard to not only get rid of the rest of her cancer but the leftover from her treatment as well. She did make the effort to walk around the apartment, slowly recovering her strength in her legs. After three days, she was still wobbly but she managed to get around without constantly grabbing something for balance.

Sesshomaru worked until late at night. It was mostly the reason why they did not speak. The other reason was when he got home, he did not seem to be in a great mood. She assumed he was picking up extra hours at work and she hoped it was not because she was living with him. The moment she would be able to work again, she intended on helping around. She refused to let him support the both of them on his own. Youkai or not, everybody needed a break once in a while.

Even now, it was late in the evening and he had yet to return. She was in the living room, laying on the couch with the remote in her hands. She was not truly watching anything but she was unable to find rest. Either she was too cold or she was too warm. Her shirt was still soaked in sweat from her previous _heat_.

When the door of the apartment unexpectedly opened, she jumped. Sesshomaru came in, slamming it behind him. He dropped his suitcase on the floor and then, sniffed the air. A look of surprise formed on his features and he tilted his head to look at her. Apparently, he expected her to be asleep. His eyes lingered on her a bit longer before he disappeared into the kitchen.

Kagome used her arm to sit herself up on the couch, leaving him some room in case he wanted to join her - she doubted he would.

What was one supposed to do when their husband-mate came home _clearly_ upset. She saw Sesshomaru quite aggravated in the past but nothing that came close to his current rage. Her miko powers were unused and drained but she could feel his aura - it was almost scary. Moments passed before he came into the living room, fingers clutched around a water bottle.

"Are you ill?"

"I can't get com-fortable." Her eyes shifted to his face. "I can go to my room if you w-ant." Maybe he needed alone time?

He shook his head and silently sat by her side. His eyes were focused on the television but she knew he was not paying attention.

"Do you wan-na talk about it?"

Silence.

She wanted to _cringe_. Sesshomaru _hated_ talking. What made her think he wanted to share anything with her? At least something this personal. Kagome gulped and turned her body away from her. Perhaps the best plan was to stay quiet.

There was no need for him to discuss his feelings. He was displeased that he even let such foolishness provoke him. Every employee at his work at to be involved in the different projects every year. Since he was one of the managers, his participant was not only expected but obligated. Most years, he got away with simple projects. This year, they inflicted him with the worst punishment; organizing the fundraising.

Each year, the bank raised money for the local soccer team and provide them with equipments, bus and other things. Each year, a woman ran it. Not this year. He did not care enough to complete such a task and he hated to be surrounded by not only so many stupid humans but screaming children. His only experience was with Rin and she was calm, obedient and quiet. These children were _not_.

Of course, refusing was not a possibility and he had to say yes. Now, he would spend his time at home planning this event. How lucky for him.

He stole a peek at her but she was glancing straight ahead. At least, she knew when not to push an issue. Though - she was skilled with children; he remembered seeing her with the kit. It was clear that she was bored all day, alone home, and perhaps she would welcome the distraction.

"Are you bothered by children?"

She blinked, puzzled. "No."

"A task has been assigned to me. I have to plan a fundraising for a children's local soccer team."

She blinked again. "Would you li-ke me to help?"

He nodded.

"Su-re," she enthusiastically responded. Although, if she was being perfectly honest, she would say that she was rather shocked that Sesshomaru was asking for a favor. Even if she did not _want_ to do it, she would have done it; she owed him so much already.

"I will leave everything on the counter in the morning." He did not expect her to get on it right now and frankly, he was tired of hearing about it for the day. "I thank you for your help."

She dismissed him with a wave of the hand. "After every-thing you've do-ne for me, it's the lea-st I can do."

They fell silent once more, sitting beside each other like they strangely did too many times. Silence was comfortable with Sesshomaru. No longer did she feel warm or cold; she was at ease. It was strange actually, the times where she felt at her best were when he was around. It was not like he did anything which left her perplexed. What did his presence have to do with anything?

"I feel be-tter when you're around." She did not ask it like it was a question but they both knew it was.

"We are mated. You are stronger by my side." It was _his_ youki mingling inside of her. It recognized him when he was near her. She was human, she could not mimic what he did to her. How close or far they were to each other had no affect on him.

"Oh," was her only confounded response.

She was left pondering if his missing presence from her life during the past few days was the reason for her crabbiness. Everything required an effort - more than she was willing to give but she did it regardless. When he was present she was at peace. Already, she her body was heavy and almost numb, tempting her to sleep. Mere moments before his arrival she never thought she would sleep tonight.

Kagome leaned her head backwards into the couch and wrapped her arms around her legs.

"Do you require a blanket?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine."

Since it was clear he did not mind speaking to her tonight, despite his irritation, she wondered if it would be alright to ask more questions.

"Do you feel any-thing like I do?"

"I bit you, you did not bite me."

"Does it aff-ect the ma-ting?"

"No. I am simply not inflicted by all your different emotions."

She could not even imagine how grateful he probably was for that. She did not think someone without many emotions like him would appreciate her mood swings.

"Lucky," she said, her voice raspy with a hint of amusement in her voice.

For a moment, she swore he smiled but she barely had time to blink that his face returned to normal; she must have imagined it.

"Is it diff-erent? For people who are really ma-ted." She did not know how else to phrase it without blushing. Their friendship, if you could call it that, was nothing more than platonic but youkais who usually mated it was for love was it not? What was it like?

"I do not know. It is not an experience other share and I have not experienced it myself."

Survival was his main goal when the world changed and then, well he never obtained the glory and riches he expected. He had no intention of raising sons and heirs in such an environment. Plus, he needed to find a female who would not drive him insane. That part alone was exceptional rare. Attraction was not very important though if she was pleasing to the eye he supposed it would help.

_Right_. Of course he could not really answer her. He did not even have a sex drive. Oh god, even thinking the word _sex_ caused her cheeks to be colored dusty pink.

"Are you warm again?" he inquired, oblivious.

Words failed her and she shook her head one more time.

The word made her blush but it was strange since she never experienced a strong arousal. She loved Inuyasha and she wished to be by his side forever back then. If she still could, she would. Nonetheless, her mind never went any further than kissing. That alone made her embarrassed. She never had a chance to picture them doing anything else. It was as if, in a way, she was still childish when it came to certain subjects.

"Have you ki-ssed any-one?" the question came out before she could stop herself.

"No."

When he said he was not interested in those sort of things, he really meant it.

"Inu-yasha almost ki-ssed me once."

What came next was unexpected. A low growl escaped him and she stiffened. She did not even have a chance to turn her head that a gush of wind hit her, pushing her against the arm rest, and when she opened her eyes, Sesshomaru was gone. She heard the echo of his door closing and she frowned.

What happened?

-R-

The water of the shower was warm on his skin as he tilted his head forward, letting his hair drape over his face. He knew she was most likely still sitting in the living room with a dumbfound expression on her face. What took place was nothing more than an involuntary reaction. He _mated_ her and linked her to him. He might have mentioned that it had no effect on him but he was clearly wrong.

When she mentioned what his half brother almost did, he felt a pinch of jealousy. Really, he could not care less. She could have slept with him, though he knew she did not because he could smell her virginity, and it would not affect his life in any way. Their bond however arose physical reaction out of him - the growl was one of them.

He hoped she would not dwell on the matter because he would not. However, next time, he intended on being more prepared.

These reactions were unwanted and he figured that with time, he would learn to keep them under control. His intentions were not to confuse her and make their already strange arrangement, awkward. He held no feelings towards her and it was the same in her case. It worked perfectly that way.

Nonetheless, the reaction shook him a bit and he could still feel it deep inside his chest. He was jealous before - like when his little brother was able to wield the sword and he was not. Though perhaps _jealous_ was not quite the right word. Fury was better. But this - what he felt earlier, it was true jealousy.

It displeased him greatly. He did not wish to feel it again.

-R-

The morning after their little talk, she found the paper he was referring to about the fundraising. She worked on it, sometimes by herself, other times with her mother. A few days passed but she did not see Sesshomaru. This time she knew it was not because of his job but because he was avoiding her. Even when he came back early, he went straight for his bedroom.

It was very strange but she never pushed the issue, she did not ask.

Prying in his business was not her concern. He made it clear the other day that sharing personal things was not what he preferred and she would respect that. Nonetheless, it left her slightly edgy and she did not know if it was because of the uncomfortable atmosphere or simply because of their bond. After all, her feelings might not affect his but it seemed his emotions had an impact on her.

While she was in the living room, trying to come up with ideas for his project, Sesshomaru was in his bedroom. He was laying on his bed, his eyes closed and a hand covering them. He had not slept in a while. Really, he did not need it but it did make the nights seem longer. He tried to obtain rest but after having this _nightmare_ once, he decided against it.

Their bond was weak - it should be - he did not take her sexually when he mated her. He only overpowered her. Also, ever since their mating they kept a decent distance between each other and never did they engage in any physical affection. There was no reason for their bond to be anything but weak. Yet, he felt like it was trying to _fix_ itself. His chest was still heavy with the ping of jealousy.

He did not need to rectify the situation. Not only was Inuyasha and her in the past but as he kept repeating to himself, she could do as she wished. Right now, if she decided to begin a relationship with someone else, it would not bother him and he would go on with his life, same as always. He did not think mating bond were supposed to affect lives like this. He did it to honor an obligation and to repay her for the good she did in the past. Nothing more.

Sesshomaru had no intention to be attached to her more than he already was.

As he laid, he felt her. She was still, frozen in place, as she sat on the couch like she did many nights. Her legs work better and she could get there on her own. The more she left her room, the less depress she was he noticed. It made sense; confinement did not fit her.

Now his only problem was that her presence in the living room was bothersome. He did not know why, it simply was. He kept his eyes forcefully closed and counted to ten in his head. It did not work, it did not clear his mind. He knew he felt no attraction towards her or anybody else for that matter. Perhaps he lied to her, perhaps the bond was affecting him too. Although, it made her feel better and it made him feel worse.

No matter what, it appeared that his little brother always had something to do with him having a bad time.

Aggravation rose inside of him and he had no choice but to get up. He knew where this was heading; he would be going in the living room where she was. _Alone_. He tried to make his steps very slowly, hoping to find another option to soothe his irritation but he did not. When he reached the door and turned the handle, he sighed. Emotions did not rule him, they never did.

He was doing this out of his own accord and to let himself obtain some rest. That he did not need.

The light from the living room lite up his face and he marched forward. Closing the door behind him, he moved ahead and did not stop until he reached the couch. Noticing his arrival, she raised her head and offered him a weak nod before re-focusing on her work. He watched her, still standing, and he had to admit he was less annoyed which in turn infuriated him.

Regardless, he sat down beside her.

She felt the couch shift but she kept her eyes locked on her sheet of paper. Her hand was trembling slightly, mostly because she was unsure of what exactly he was doing. He avoided her for days, acted strangely and now he was silently, and willingly, sitting beside her. She began chewing on her bottom lip, scribbling words and mindless ideas.

Her body _ached_ and that was a good distraction from the youkai nearby. She pushed herself these past few days, refusing to be locked in her room any longer. Also, she made an effort to appear in good shape when her mother was around. She did enjoy the time they spent together but she knew her mom had better things to do than babysit her all the time. Maybe if she thought Kagome was doing better than she was, she would stay home more often.

She was determined not to impose on anyone - or to not need anyone.

Now that she thought about it, the way Sesshomaru let her be and left her alone constantly was perhaps exactly what she required. He would not let her die but he did not seem to get involve unless it was absolutely necessary. Unless, he wanted to freak her out and be strange; like he was right now.

He tried to be subtle as his eyes glanced over the sheet. He could not make out many of the words but he could tell she spent a great deal of time working on it. He was right to give this project to her.

"I ca-me out with a lot of ideas. I'm not sure any of them are go-od though," she said when she noticed him peeking her way.

"They will be sufficient." They would most likely attract more humans than anything he could come up with.

She frowned, trying to figure out if he was complimenting her in a Sesshomaru kind of way or if the project did not matter to him at all and he could not care less what she did with it. She went with the latter.

"I'll cl-ean it up and gi-ve you a copy tomorrow."

"That is acceptable."

He was always formal when he spoke but it felt different tonight, she did not know why. Edgy and dying to make the atmosphere more comfortable, she ended him the remote. "I'm not wa-tching. You can put what you wan-t."

When he took the remote, she swore she felt his thumb brush against the palm of her hand. It was so light, it might not have been real. It would not be the first time she hallucinated something when it came to him.

He did not care much for the television or what was playing but he took the remote from her regardless. He almost touched her. When she removed her hand, she dropped it by her side on the couch instead of on her lap like before. He stared. Slowly, he lowered his own hand and before he knew it, there it was resting beside hers. Not touching, just _there_.

Engrossed in her scribbling to busy her mind, she pushed her hand to the left. They touched.

Her first instinct was to pull away, eyes bulging slightly. However, she quickly found that she could, meeting a small resistance. Sesshomaru's little finger was over hers, holding her hand there. She forgot how to breathe and instead she obviously stared at him.

He did not.

His eyes were focused forward, not even a crack in his stoic mask.

Different emotions flared up inside of her but in the end, she decided to think nothing of it. Sesshomaru was not the kind to want anything physical, he made it clear many times. Perhaps he felt lonely or maybe he thought she needed comforting. Maybe it was even his way of apologizing.

Regardless of the reason, she saw no need to move her hand.

And he did not complain, a soothing feeling growing in his chest.

-R-


	6. The Proclaim

**A/N:** OTL. I'm sorry. It seemed that my muse stayed in France. I tried, I tried, but I couldn't. I'm not even sure how I feel about this chapter. **ALTHOUGH, thank you** for voting Red Lotus 3rd best dark fic and 3rd best Kagome's Portrayal. I do not deserve it, thank you.

This is not beta-ed. And it went through a lot of re-write, so I'm sorry.

**Red Lotus**

**6. The Proclaim**

A good wife.

What exactly was the universal definition of a good wife?

A good wife should support her husband and be understanding. A good wife would attend her husband's fundraising event. Especially since he was kind enough to mention she helped. Obviously someone like Sesshomaru would not want to take the credit for an idea that was not his own. _Of course _he had to be that kind of person. Clearly, everyone at his work now thought she was in a better shape than expected despite her _tragic_ cancer. Yet, nobody really expected her to accompany Sesshomaru… including him. He did not mention it, he did not invite her. He did not do it to be rude but he did it because her answer was obvious.

Or was it?

She was not that certain anymore.

Kagome was sure Sesshomaru still did not appreciate social gatherings. He probably despised them and she imagined all the odours and sounds bothered him. He might not like her that much but maybe her presence would make the evening bearable. Also, people would be more interested in her than him. She would be the centre of attention while he could mingle in the shadows. Surely he would prefer that over useless chatters with people he disliked.

The _real_ question was, did she want to be the centre of attention? Did she want people asking her about her cancer and most of all did she want people looking at her - the new her?

Since her tragic diagnostic, the only people she saw were her family and Sesshomaru - oh and the hospital's staff. All these people were used to this piteous sight she became. But the normal world? They would stare, they would notice she was bald. She did not want them to look at her or talk about her. The poor little cancer girl. The miraculous patient. The wife of a good man who married her thinking he was going to lose her. She did not want to be any of that. She did not want them to expect something out of her. She would only disappoint them.

The thoughts alone made her guts twist, her heart squeeze and her throat clamp up. Sweat was coating her skin and her mouth was dry; she could not be a good wife. She was _not_ a good wife. She did not even know how to be a wife - a bad or good one. Sesshomaru did not care and he did not want anything from her. He simply rescued her from her doom and was now providing for her; nothing else. She did want to try though and attempt to make his life easier. She had to do something to repay him. All this guilt swirling inside of her was slowly driving her insane.

"Do you require assistance?"

She jumped in her chair, startled.

Him catching her staring at herself in the mirror was not exactly something she wished. She was not vain or nothing - she only wanted… _hair_… fat? Anything! She was a terrible person…but the urge was too strong to fight. She wanted to look like a human being again. Terrible Miko. Kikyo's copy. Cancer girl. Could she just be _Kagome_?

"I'm f-ine."

She resisted the urge to touch her head. She was not going to do that, she was not going to let herself look weak. He did not like weakness and neither did she. She was better than that - or at least she used to be.

Kagome turned around and glanced at him, her eyes traveling over his body and stopping at his hands. She remembered their softness and warmth. She never did understand what it meant when he sat by her side. She still did not care. And it was another reason why she wanted to do something for him.

"A-re you going tomorrow?"

"I have to attend."

If he could avoid it, he would. One would think that organizing the event was enough but it was not. Although, he wondered if he said he organized it alone, they would have let him skip it. Human's curiosity was truly an annoying trait. Though, anyone who worked with him for more than a day would _know_ those were not his ideas. He had no problem telling them Kagome played a part in it. She worked hard and she came up with great ideas. There was no reason why she should not receive acclamation for her work.

Many people asked him if she would attend. He said no without asking her.

Her physical state was improving but she was weak and he was not certain she wanted to put up a fake facade for five hours. It would be wasted energy and he wanted her to focus her efforts on something else, something more important like her recovery. Regardless, if she did wish to accompany him, he would let her; she was free to do as she pleased. However, she never brought up the subject. Until now. He was not sure why. By her scent alone, he could tell she wanted no part in being involved with the outside world.

"I guess you don't li-ke it."

"I am already forced to see them all day."

He did not want to spend more time with those morons. It gave him a headache, a painful one. "It will quickly be over." He had no desire to see her concern herself with his troubles. He put up with stupid humans for five hundred years and one extra night would not make a difference.

She inhaled deeply - as deeply as her damaged lungs would allow her - and she offered him a nod. "I - I co-uld come. If you want."

That came out all wrong but then again, she did not know how else to say it. She really did not want to but this was about compromises and sacrifices. Really, he did more of those than she ever did. It was her turn. She used to go head first into things. Anything to help her friends. Wait - well, yeah. Sesshomaru _was_ her friend was he not? Sort of. Not the kind of friend she was used to but…

It was a friendship of its own kind.

He arched an eyebrow. "You would like to attend?" His voice did not display any emotions. Instead, he was intrigued by why her words did not match her scent.

"I would not min-d." Her heartbeat was skyrocketing and she was certain it was mere moments away from breaking through her fragile chest. It felt pointless to speak; he knew how she felt. His nose betrayed her.

For a brief moment, he wondered if there was an answer. She desired to attend but she did not fancy it at the same time. Because human emotions were not something he had a full grasp on, he simply nodded. If she said she wanted to go, she could. "I will get the proper attire for you."

Right. She probably did not own anything that was appropriate enough. The cancer plagued her quickly after she stopped school - all she had were school uniforms and teenage clothes. "Thank you."

Her mouth felt like cotton and suddenly, there were no other words she could speak. She agreed. She agreed to go to this event, to see and meet people and to talk about her cancer. She did not talk about her cancer. Not with her family and not with Sesshomaru. That was why she enjoyed his company so much; he did not mention it, he did not focus on it.

He did not even care.

That was the way she liked it. Everywhere she went, everywhere she looked, it was right there. She could never escape it. When he ignored it, when he looked at her as if she was no different, she _could_ forget about it.

Sesshomaru gave her one last nod before exiting the bedroom, leaving her completely alone. He knew how she felt. He could smell it and he could sense it. Yet, he did not question it, he did not even ask if she was certain she wanted to do this. He let her lie, he let her create a fake little world and live in it happily.

Nobody ever did that.

She sought warmth, she sought someone who cared - _before_. Her cancer transformed her into a new person. Now, she craved someone who was cold, someone who ignored the obvious - who was oblivious to her pain.

Someone like Sesshomaru.

It was crazy how one event could change someone completely.

-R-

Silence. Awkwardness. One of them she craved while the other irked her. Kagome could feel her mother's eyes on her as they watched television. She yearned to ask a question but she did not. Probably because Miyu was not sure Kagome wished to discuss. Maybe she thought the question was not appropriate.

"Yes, I am go-ing," Kagome finally said, tired of the silence.

"Are you sure?" her mother inquired with corned hinted in her voice.

She was only asking because she knew her daughter. Kagome had a habit of ignoring her own feelings for the sake of others. Perhaps Kagome thought Sesshomaru needed her and she was willing to undermine her emotions for him. She probably needed him to need her since he did so much for her. She simply did not wish for her to push herself too much too early.

"I shou-ld be there with him."

"Did he ask you?"

"No."

"Are you ready for this?"

Yes. No. Truthfully, she would never be. "I th-ink so." Facing the world after you gave up, after you accepted imminent death was nothing something she knew how to do.

"I thought you might go," she said before getting up and reaching for her bag. Inside, she retrieved a box and handed it to Kagome. "You don't have to wear it, but I thought you might like to have the option."

Kagome frowned but nodded anyway as she took the box from her mother. Slowly, she opened it only to reveal…hair? _A wig_. Of course. It made…. sense? Lots of people with cancer wore one right? It made their situation…less obvious. It made them more… normal? She was always very different and she liked it. Now, she wanted to be like everybody else. It made her sick to her stomach. She carefully took the wig out of the box and held it up in front of her. It was long and black just like her real hair - the one she used to have.

"Thanks M-om."

"You don't have to wear it. I just-" She could tell her daughter was apprehensive about the whole thing. She wanted to give her a chance to be as comfortable as she craved to be.

They would know. They would know it was a wig. How could she have long hair so shortly after losing it all? They would know and they would pretend they did not. They would lie.

"Thank you." She could not wear it. She should. She might blend in easier, but she could not.

Kagome quietly put the wig back in the box and put it on the table. She leaned back against the cushion and resumed _waiting_. Waiting for Sesshomaru to come back home with her dress so that they could go to the fundraising. The more seconds ticked away, the more nervous she grew. She would not go back on her word but she was uncomfortable. Perhaps it was one more reason to do it. One more step towards finding herself again… or building a new Kagome.

As if on cue, the door opened.

Sesshomaru took his time getting to the apartment. Mostly because before he even reached the door, the smells attacked his nose. Nervousness was not a pleasing scent. Despite his slow steps, he found himself reaching the apartment with no other choice but to go in. The box containing the dress was tucked under his arm as he stepped inside. He felt her eyes on him but he did not look her way.

Instead, he greeted her mother. "Mrs. Higurashi."

"Sesshomaru," she nodded back.

Then, he looked at her. "I have your dress. If you still wish to attend."

"I do," she said, her voice barely a whisper.

He put the box down, right on top of the other one, and vanished into his room to get ready. Kagome stared at the box knowing she had to do the same. She shakily got on her feet while her mother retrieved the items for her, following her closely behind. Just in case. It was slow but she made it to the room after much efforts. Unfortunately it did not leave her very presentable; she was covered in sweat. It frustrated her that after all her hard work she could barely make it to her room.

"I'll mana-ge," she said as her mother took the dress out of the box.

Miyu nodded as she laid it out on the bed. She would wait by the door in case Kagome could not do it on her own. She quickly left the room and quietly closed the door behind her.

Kagome plopped down on her bed and gazed at the dress. It was a muted gold, medium length, and it had a darker golden ribbon wrapped around the middle with a bow at the back. The price tag was gone meaning she would never know just how much he spent on her, _again_. She gripped the hem of her shirt and put all of strength into pulling it over her head. She struggled, she grunted but she succeeded. Kagome found herself out of breathe but not as much as expected. Unfortunately for her, she still had her pants to take off.

She took a small break to regain her energy. Her mind felt fuzzy and her tongue was like paste in her mouth. It was just people - she used to be good with people. She was lively, happy. She shook her head and cleared her mind before attacking her next step. She undid the button and the zipper and slipped them off. It was easier than the shirt. Once her pants gathered at her feet, she gave a little kick and they fell off.

Kagome ran her hand over the soft fabric of the dress before grabbing it. She slipped it on and it did not require any effort - it was perfect. She rose to her feet, using her bed as support, and stared at her reflection. The dress ended beneath her knees, making it long enough to hide their rather bony appearance. It would be pretty if she had a woman shape to fill it. However, it would have to do. There was however one thing she could improve upon.

Her hair was nothing more than patches of bald spots and thin hair. Because her body attacked itself for a while, there was no helping it; she lost most of what grew back. Not only that but, the hair she did have left was fuzzy and ugly. There was one way to fix it. She reached out for the razor in her drawer and began her work.

And she did not stop until it was all gone.

Once it was smooth, she ran her hand over her head. All or nothing. It gave her courage but made her more vulnerable at the same time.

Now she was ready to go out there and - be whatever they expected her to be. She tried to take a deep breathe but nearly choked trying. Nobody would push her; she had to do it herself. She needed to get up now or she would never go. Kagome gathered all of her strength and managed to make it to the door with shaky legs. Once she reached the living room, she found Sesshomaru waiting for her.

He was dressed as he usually was for work; in a suit. His silky silver hair was pulled in a neat ponytail and his face was as it should be; emotionless. Why could she not be stoic like him? Why did she have to be a train wreck inside?

"I'm r-eady," she said when he remained silent.

He knew she was there. He smelled her coming before she even got up. Usually, there was only one emotion on her but tonight was different. Feelings were swirling and mixing with her aura and he did not enjoy it. What good was her presence if her emotions were going to nettle him just as much as all of the others idiots' feelings? Nonetheless, he made no comment and he showed no aggravation. This was also her project - he would tolerate the annoyance like he tolerated everything else.

At least her sadness and angriness were not foreign emotions to him . He learned to live with those emotions surrounding him. In fact, he did not mind it when rage sparked inside of her. It was one feeling he could somewhat relate to - one he actually could thrive on. Nervousness however, was a complete mystery to him. Also, what was she being nervous about?

Sesshomaru waited a bit longer, almost waiting for her to change her mind, before he rose to his feet. He nearly asked her if she was certain of her decision but he knew better. She could not back down. It had nothing to do with him and rather everything to do with herself. Instead, he offered her his arm and she gladly accepted it.

Her tiny fingers wrapped around his forearm and she squeezed it with each step. He remembered her fingers. They were warm. Even now their warmth radiated through the fabric of his jacket. But he did not think about it because they were _supposed_ to be warm. She was human with warm blood running through her body.

The thought lingered in his mind for a moment before he pushed it aside. For now, there was only one thing concerning him; tolerating all the idiots that would surround him tonight.

The trick was to not kill any of them.

-R-

This evening was everything she expected it to be and yet, it overwhelmed her.

Kagome prepared herself for the stares, the whispers, the shocked expressions but despite that, once they all became a reality, she found herself unable to handle it. She stayed by Sesshomaru's side, a smile on her face, and hide the fact that deep inside, she was coming undone. They _looked_ and they did not try to hide it. Pity was so obvious in their eyes that it sickened her. Of course people were supposed to tell her how brave she was to fight through her cancer. They were supposed to tell her she was courageous and that she found a wonderful husband. However, it was all lies.

They did not know her, how could they feel anything towards her? Pity was a way to hide the lack of caring. Look at the poor cancer girl.

Despite it all, she swallowed her feelings and managed to make it two hours without breaking down. Then, it worsened. Sesshomaru was forced to leave her side to introduce their project. When he was by her side, she focused on his aura and ignored the vibes she was getting from everyone else. Unfortunately, she could not do that when he was far. She was still weak and her powers were barely alive. Instead, she suffocated in the pity.

Knowing she had to get out of there, she found refuge in the bathroom. Everyone was listening to Sesshomaru's speech which gave her a moment of peace. She locked herself away in one of the stall and sat down to recover. She took deep breaths while trying to convince herself she was making the situation out to be worse than it was. Perhaps it was genuine concern. Perhaps they were as awkward around her as she was around them and did not know how to act. _Maybe_, they were trying to act normal but did not know how.

Those thoughts were almost comforting.

Then, her peace was shattered when the doors of the bathroom opened and two women came in chattering.

"He might be a little rude, but with a face and body like that _who cares_?"

Scoff. "I can't believe someone like him got married. He just doesn't seem like the type."

"I know right? He barely talks or looks at anyone."

"Well maybe he's just…faithful."

"Still…_married_?"

"She was probably just a girlfriend. Then she got sick. What else was he supposed to do?"

"Guess he got screwed. Dying girl did not die."

"Her _hair_ died though."

They both giggled and Kagome felt her heart squeeze with pain and rage. She could not speak, she could not move - she was not even sure she was breathing. They did not know her and they had no interest in knowing her. They preferred judging her based on her appearance alone.

"I mean, did you see her? She is completely_ bald_. Don't tell me she couldn't afford a wig."

"This is Sesshomaru we're talking about. The man has perfect hair, perfect _everything_. Couldn't she make an effort? She's lucky enoygh to have him."

Her grip on the lock tightened and she nearly unlocked it out of rage. Her breathing was harsh, coming out as nothing more than short puffs of air. Her lungs were on fire and her mind dizzy from the lack of oxygen. The anger swirling inside of her was out of control. Nonetheless, she knew that going out there would only make them win. If she pretended like she was fine, they would know it was a lie. If she yelled at them, they would be pleased with themselves.

Instead, she was forced to remain hidden with tears burning at her eyes.

She waited, feeling deaf, until the sound of the door closing echoed through. Then, her whole world began moving again. She inhaled very deeply, her lungs feeling like they were bursting into flames. Her mouth was dry as she stepped out of the stall. She walked over to the mirror and leaned on it. She saw her reflection, she saw the baldness but right now she was not seeing what they saw. She was a survivor. She put her life on the line and she did not get a reward; she got another challenge. Right now, she was facing it and fighting it the best she could.

People judged. They did it back in the Feudal Era when she ran around in her school uniform and they were doing it now that she was sick and bald. No matter what, _people were going to judge her_. She was prepared for this. She did this so that the attention would be on her instead of Sesshomaru. It was working was it not?

Kagome turned on the knob of the sink and splashed some cold water on her face. She was not wearing any make up so there was not anything to ruin. She reached out for some paper towels and wiped her face. Once her legs did not feel as shaky anymore, she walked out.

Apparently she stayed away long enough for Sesshomaru to finish his speech since he was no longer on the stage. Her eyes searched the room, waiting to spot his familiar silver hair. Relief washed over her when she finally saw him. She headed towards him as fast as she could, trying to take small breaths with each steps.

However, she barely traveled three feet that he was in front of her. She blinked, confused. Did- did he use his speed? _In front of everyone_?

"If you are not well, I will drive you home."

Even if he did not falter, he noticed her disappearing. He imagined it was because she was nauseous. After all, she spent a lot of time on her feet, even though people offered her chairs constantly, and this was probably hard on her recovering body. Nobody would say anything if he left to drive his sick wife home.

She shook her head. Somehow, she felt it would make her lose, make her weak. "I was just d-izzy."

"_Sesshomaru!_"

Kagome froze, recognizing the voice; it was one of the girls from the bathroom.

A brunette walked up to them, her green eyes shining with happiness. "I have been looking for you everywhere! I've been dying to meet your wife."

Her gaze shifted from Sesshomaru to Kagome, her smile never faltering. "You must be…._Kagome_? I'm Aimi."

Apparently, it was very easy for some people to fake. "Ni-ce to meet you."

"I work with your husband," she hurried to say. "See him almost every day. Didn't expect him to get married. I _mean_ we didn't even know he was dating anyone. He's kinda the secretive type isn't he?"

She had no idea. "Not re-ally."

Aimi seemed to twitch for a moment but quickly recovered. "Well-" It was clear she was about to make more pointless conversation until she noticed Sesshomaru's glare. "It was mm, nice meeting you. I'll see you Monday, Sesshomaru."

Kagome's heart was beating a bit fast but she remained strong and steady in appearance. Sesshomaru saw her broken, her mother saw her broken but these strangers did not get to see her at her worst. She did not care if took all of her energy to put up a facade; she would do it.

They both watched her walk away and Sesshomaru did not fail to notice a difference in Kagome's scent; she was no longer nervous.

_Hn_.

-R-

The rest of the evening was as uneventful as expected and by the time they made it home, Kagome was certain she was going to fall asleep before she reached her bedroom. She was leaning on Sesshomaru way more than she intended to but she could not help it. Her body was so heavy that she was unable to hold it up. He did not seem to mind as he half carried her inside. Her lungs felt weak as she pressed her back against the wall while he locked the door. At that precise moment, if she could stop breathing she would, just to ease the pain she was feeling.

"Thank you for accompanying me tonight," he said as he removed his jacket and folded it.

"T-hank you for taking m-e."

"Are you hungry?"

She shook her head. If she ate she was sure she would throw up. "I just ne-ed to rest."

He would have offered her help but she turned around and began dragging her body towards her room. She tried not to hold on to the walls but she lost her balance from time to time. He stayed there, observing her in case she fell, until she disappeared from his sight.

Once he could no longer see her, he went in his own bedroom. The first thing he did was loosen his tie and inhale deeply. For once, nobody paid much attention to him. Usually they used these public events to try and make him talk about his private life and other subjects. Obviously they were always disappointed since he never said anything. This year, they did not try. They were too busy staring at Kagome.

She handled it much better than he expected. Although he could tell right now she had no energy left.

Also she was -

Wait. That salty scent…

She was crying.

He tilted his head to the left, a hint of confusing plaguing him. She got over her nervousness earlier. What could possibly make her cry? Humans were complex. The evening was fine. No reason to be upset. Perhaps exhaustion got the best out of her.

A foreign feeling of curiosity forced him to exit his room and silently get closer to hers. Her door was shut, as expected, but from his location he could hear her sobbing loud and clear. This was the kind of situations he did not get involved in. Tears made no sense to him and he would not know how to comfort someone. Proving her with a home and health was something he could do. It was basic, it did not require feelings.

This however… he did not do.

Yet, he lingered. He listened to her muffled sounds, the hiccups, her tired lungs; all the little noises she made. After a moment, he sensed her tense and he guessed why; she was aware of his presence. Without shame, he knocked on her door. He heard the faint sound of her voice and took it as his cue to come in.

"Are you hurt?"

She almost smiled, _almost_. At first, she thought he was walking around but when it did not feel like he was moving, she realized he was _spying_ on her. It seemed she was wrong. He simply thought she injured herself. Considering how clumsy she was naturally, it was no surprise he came to that conclusion.

"I'm fi-ne."

He nodded. If she was not hurt, then his presence was not required.

"I ju- I don't care what they th-ink. I don't ca-re they think it's stu-pid to be bald. I always di-d what I wan-ted to do without min-ding other people's opinions." She paused to catch her breath. "But why do it hu-rts this much?"

The stares were the main things she remembered each time she closed her eyes. Each time she felt herself taking a step in the right direction, something held her back. Everything crumbled around her since she first learned about her cancer and she did not know where to start rebuilding.

Her turmoil caused a shift inside of him, probably because of their bond and it became rather uncomfortable to be this close to her. He faced this problem once before and he did not like it then…he still did not now.

"Humans are vicious creatures."

"I'm hu-man."

"You are a Miko." It was different. Her people were meant for good. Did she not sacrifice herself countless of times? "Humans do not adapt. They attack, they lash out. Youkais have found it easier to blend in than to attack them."

She knew that.

Kagome was not sure what she thought would happen. She had it all, the pretty dress, the handsome mm, _prince charming_, but her dreams did not come true. Putting on a dress did not make magical things happen. She knew it would not. Some silly part of her, deep inside, did expect it.

"You do not have to act like a human. You could act like a youkai."

She sniffled slightly, her red eyes tiny as she tried to focus on his face. "Act like a you-kai?"

"Know you are better than them and that you will withstand time while they will not. They will fade and you will remain."

Right, her life was going to be longer now that they were mated. She was going to be healthy eventually and not fall prey to sickness again. She never fitted and perhaps _being a youkai_ was going to be her way to fit in. The outside world was not made for her anymore; she lived through too much and she did not know how to be normal anymore.

She could do it; she could live in a timeless bubble in here.

Her appearance would not matter, her sickness would not matter and the harshness of the outside world would have no effect on her.

"Thank you," she said, breaking the silence.

He nodded. "You are worthy."

On those words, he finally left her room, quietly closing it behind him.

Each day, he surprised her. She truly did not know him at all. Perhaps nobody ever knew Sesshomaru, not even Inuyasha or Jaken. Actually…maybe Rin did.

As her tears dried, she got up and grabbed her small blanket. Then, she used it to cover her mirror. Her hair would grow back when it would grow back. Her shape would return when her health would.

If she could pull through the dark days then she might just make it out alive.

Strangely, it seemed that with Sesshomaru as her comfort blanket, as her person to lean back on, she could believe in her recovery.

One day at a time… as a youkai.

-R-


	7. The Probability

A/N: I am not dead. You are all shocked right? I know. If I say one more time, sorry I suck at updating and school is a bitch, I will feel like a broken record. Instead, I will say thank you to those who put up with me and still read my stuff. You're awesome.

Also, this is not beta.

Second also, on my profile you can find a little section where I say, Wanna know what I'm up to? And there's the % of completion of each chapter and the date that number was updated.

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 7: The Probability**

One day at a time.

It was the _catch phrase_ they always loved to use.

After her diagnostic, she tried to obey by it. Then the days passed and transformed into weeks and suddenly she was not so enthusiastic about the whole thing anymore. Especially since she never received any good news. Though they did try to disguise the not so good news as reasons to fight harder; she had to give them credit for that.

Her situation was now entirely clashing. She _was_ getting good news. She _was_ getting better. However, it was not the doctor's _key phrase_ that did for her. It was Sesshomaru's words; one day at a time _as a youkai_.

It was not always easy but it did motivate her. After all she was no longer trying to be human or even a miko. She was forging a new path, not one that was assigned to her but one she chose. It was a nice change. Of course, it did not always get her out of bed but it did make her smile sometimes and it provided her with some much needed strength.

Some of her nights were haunted with _the_ voices - the evil voices of those terrible women. It hardly mattered that nearly two weeks went by since then. The memories were extremely vivid in her mind. Some nights, they were easy to shut down. Others - well other nights left her staring at the darkness. Last night was one of those. Her eyes were bloodshot, her lips were dry and her focus was all but present. She mindlessly ran her fingers over the small fuzz growing on her scalp. It was softer than before but it still felt dead. She would probably have to shave her hair a few more time before she retrieve her old luscious locks.

If she even wanted them anymore. She glanced at her still covered mirror, almost glad she could not see herself.

Suddenly, a familiar _ping_ ran through her and her eyes snapped in direction of the door. It was Sesshomaru. _Again_. He did that on mornings she did not get out of her room. Thirty minutes before he left for work he would do regular check ups through the door. She wondered if he was intrigued or concerned. Although, the plausible answer was that he wanted to make sure she did not die in his apartment. It would seem rather tough to explain how a miraculous recovered cancer patient died on you.

Kagome did not move as she waited for him to leave, which he eventually did. He would not pry on her or force her to speak. He stayed out of her way - except when she did not eat for long periods of time. She had yet to be used to food again and sometimes it slipped her mind. Especially since the feeling of hunger was still missing; it did not matter how long she went without food, she was not hungry.

A few more minutes passed and the door of the apartment opened. _Her mother_. She did her best to stay out of Kagome's way as well but sometimes she asked a few questions. Kagome remained at the point where she had good days and bad days and her family was there to witness it all.

The only thing Kagome was not aware of was the conversation happening on the other side of the door.

"Is she awake?" Miyu tried to whisper.

Sesshomaru nodded.

"She hasn't come out yet?"

He shook his head.

Miyu bit on her bottom lip before asking a last question. "Is she alright?"

"She is."

Although, his nose could be mistaken he did not smell any emotions on her that would lead him to believe she was sad or having _a bad day_ as Kagome's mother often called it.

"Good."

Miyu meant to give her daughter the space she needed and wanted but sometimes she could see the deep sadness shining in Kagome's eyes and she simply could not stay away.

Sesshomaru grabbed his briefcase from the couch and nodded goodbye to Kagome's mother. He almost looked at Kagome's bedroom door but he did not. Her complex human emotions were a bit of a puzzle to him at the moment and he could not get involve - mostly because he would not have the first clue on how to make her feel better.

She did have better days though. Sometimes, she worked hard. Kagome would spend the whole day walking around, working out her legs and arms until she was covered in sweat or she would try to make new meals in an attempt to keep solid food down or she would distract herself, never worrying. Those days seemed to drain her, however. She had yet to figure out how to listen to his little piece of advice.

He closed the door behind him leaving her, her scent, and her emotions behind.

-R-

Red, warm blood.

The unexpected scent forced Sesshomaru to stop in his tracks as he attempted to unlock the door. He smelled the air again, to make sure he was not mistaken, before resuming his previous action. He found his movements to be quicker than usual. Perhaps the fact that it was clearly _her_ blood - his _mate's_ blood- affected him. In less than a second, he found himself zipping through the apartment until he stood right behind her.

The sight he found was not the one he expected.

Kagome was on her knees, vigorously rubbing the couch, with a large red stain on her rear. A sniffle echoed through the room before she turned her head, suddenly aware of his presence.

"S-sseshomaru." Her lips parted and move so that her hair covered her red, crying eyes. "I'm sorry - I di-dn't th-ink. I didn't think it wo-uld happen so soon."

He stared at her face, then at the now visible stained on his couch but he said nothing.

"I mean," she began as she pushed her hair out of her face, "they said - the doc-tors said it would pro-bably take a year or mor-e before I start having them again…"

She usually napped in her room, not on the couch. She tried to watch a movie but she fell asleep and of course it was at that moment that her period decided to make a re-appearance. She would not have cared if she stained her bed but this was Sesshomaru's couch. It was embarrassing and humiliating. She could not even afford to get it clean or to get a new couch.

"I'm so-rry," she said, holding back a sob.

She was covered in blood. On his floor. Sobbing. Today was not _a good day_.

This time, Sesshomaru did something; he moved. He walked closer to her and only stopped when he reached her side. Then, he imitated her position by lowering himself down to her level. Sesshomaru then grabbed the ruined, dirty rag from her hand and put it down. "It is only a couch," he said in a neutral voice she assumed was supposed to be re-assuring.

Her arms fell limply at her side and she pulled on her shirt. "I'll clean it," she answered, hitching her chest.

"I will have it cleaned. Do not concern yourself with this."

If it was not for the fact that the scent of her blood was masking the stench of her emotions, being this close to her would have been unbearable for him. Though, he was not certain the blood was helping the situation. It was not any blood after all; she was healing and was now fertile again. That little realization was enough to make his nose twitch slightly. That thought did not cross his mind before. As a matter of fact, he never thought it would affect him in any way.

Apparently, he was wrong.

Sesshomaru felt that same prick he felt when she shared with him that she kissed his half-brother. He did not appreciate that feeling.

"I guess I am getting be-tter."

Some days it did not show and some days she forgot the process would be faster. She still thought it would take years for certain things to settle back into place but the mark on her neck apparently had other ideas in mind. Her period. She could barely remember the last time she had it. Her first chemotherapy was rather intense and not only did she lose her hair, her nails, her eyebrows, but her period and appetite also vanished.

"I'm so-rry I can't pay for it."

"This is merely an accident. You did not intend on staining the couch." He stood up, his hand clenched around the rag. "Do you require help standing up?"

She shook her head before wiping the tears that made their way on her cheeks.

His breathing picked up and he turned around. Calmly, he walked to the kitchen and threw the rag in the garbage. He would have to take out the trash - the scent was strong. He did not look back at her once as he made his way to his bedroom. He quietly closed the door behind him and then, sat down on the edge of his bed.

It seemed that each day the situation became a tad more complicated.

As he rested his hands, palms down, on his lap, he realized he brought the scent of the crimson liquid along with him. His right hand bore her scent. From the smell alone, he could tell that even though her cycle began, it was not right yet. To top it all up, he did not smell it when she was in heat - because she probably did not have a proper fertile time yet. He hoped not to cross that hurdle already. As he mentioned to her, he never found himself in a situation where he _wanted_ someone which did not mean he could not get aroused. It would not bother him if she became fully fertile again but it could prove to be a bother - and somewhat uncomfortable - from time to time.

Sesshomaru inhaled slowly, preparing himself for the scent _out there_. Obviously he could not remain in his bedroom because she could think something was wrong with him and he refused to let anyone know he was affected by a bond between himself and a human. She was not youkai and her influence on him should be minimal.

He opened the door and walked to the kitchen. As he stood behind the counter, he looked at her. She was still staring at the stain on the couch and he could only assume she remained upset about the whole incident. As if a couch mattered to him; it was but an object. He only got it because humans have couches. It was the same reason why he had a television and a refrigerator and many other things. He had to blend in and appear normal. They meant nothing to him and they could get smash and it would not make a difference in his life.

"Are you hungry?"

"I'm fine."

She was not. She could use more food; Kagome was still nothing more than skin and bones. Since she could now keep her food down, it was her chance to eat and gain some weight which would greatly improve her condition. Nonetheless, her life was none of his business. If she did not wish to eat, he would not force her. His involvement in her life would always remain minimal; he would help when she required help. That was it.

Instead, he sat down at the desk and began some of his work with Kagome staring at him. She was not exactly sure why she thought he might be irritated. It was _Sesshomaru_. Except the annoying people he worked with - along with probably more than a half of the population of the world - he probably was not annoyed by many things anymore.

Since there was nothing she could do about the couch at this particular moment, her only option left was to wash the blood off of herself. She dragged her heavy body to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. A sigh rolled off her lips before she began removing her clothes. She did her best to hurry and get in the shower. Once the scorching hot water hit her skin, she felt herself relax. Traces of the incident were washed away and she leaned against the wall. Although her recovery was great, her balance was not. It was mostly because she had yet to recover her strength in her muscles and lately she had not worked on it.

There were some things even the mating could not help with and she had to do some work if she wanted to actually fully get better.

On top of it, she had to get something going in her life or she would fall prey to the same depressing situations as before. Maybe a job? Or there was school… but was she ready for big steps like that? Some days, she found it hard to get out of bed…how was she supposed to go somewhere regularly…somewhere where she would have to face everybody's glances?

Maybe that was too much of a step but what else could she do?

She sighed as she let her body drop to the bottom of the tub. The water rained on her face which forced her to close her eyes. Maybe she could talk about it with Sesshomaru? He might come up with an idea. After all, he became a master of blending in and all that none sense. Maybe he could teach her how to do it because it seemed she forgot how to be human. Although, she was not sure it was a great idea. Sometimes she sensed his aura and at the moment he appeared rather angry. It confused her since she was almost certain it had nothing to do with the couch. If he had a problem with it, he would have told her. Hurting her feelings mattered very little to him.

Kagome shook her head at her silliness and then put her hands on the edge of the bathtub to get up. Unfortunately, the bottom of the tub was slippery and half way up, Kagome tumbled down. Her back was hurt the most and then her head hit the edge of the bathtub, leaving her to scream in pain. Her whole body jolted under the unexpected fall and she was breathless. Her first instinct was to scream but because she hit her head, she was extremely dizzy and could not find her voice: the air was literally knocked out of her lungs. She attempted to find her balance again but the pain was too great and keeping her eyes open was an effort.

On the other side of the door, Sesshomaru's nose twitched. The scent of blood once again attacked his nose but it was not the same this time. He dared to venture closer to the bathroom's door to confirm his suspicions. Yes, he was right. That was blood from a wound.

He knocked on the door. "Kagome?"

Silence.

He tried again. "Kagome?"

This time, he heard a faint grunt coming through the door. She was mumbling but even _he_ was struggling to hear what she said.

"I will open the door," he warned politely.

It only took a twist of the wrist for him to break the lock on the door and a second later, he turned the handle. As soon as he walked in, the scent of blood was even stronger. Inside, he found Kagome, her hair spilled over her shoulders, her hands trying to hold on to the edge and her legs hanging into the emptiness. The fact that she was naked did not dawn upon him until he was on his knees by her side. Nonetheless, his eyes never traveled to her naked body. Instead, he immediately took hold of her head and began examining her injury.

Blood was spilling from a wound and he ran his thumb over it. He deducted that the injury was minor and that their bond would heal it in no time. However, it was clear to him that she was unable to get up by herself. He lifted himself from the ground and then hovered over her so that he could wrap his arms around her as best he could. Once he felt he had a secure hold on her, he lifted her up. Her body was limp in his arms as he reached out for a towel, realizing she might want to keep her pride.

He covered her quickly and then proceeded to her bedroom. Once he was there, he carefully laid her on her bed. The movements proved to be too much for her and she found herself ready to throw up. Involuntarily, she grabbed on to his shirt, trying to lift herself up. Fortunately, the urge passed and she relaxed.

Since he did his duty and looked after her, Sesshomaru prepared himself to leave her alone. Kagome, however, feared being alone.

"Sesshom-aru?" she said in a shy voice. She truly did not want to ask but the urge to was too strong.

"Yes?"

"Cou-ld you stay? I - I'm sca-red of fall-ing asleep and thro-wing up," she admitted, still breathless.

He nodded, and since there were no chair or other seat in her room for him, he was forced to remain sitting down on her bed. He awkwardly stayed on the edge, his back half facing her.

"You can la-y if it's more comfo-rtable," she said while the urge to close her eyes grew stronger.

"I am fine," he replied.

It was not the most comfortable position but he went through worse in the past. Also, not only did he not want to invade her privacy and comfort zone, he also was not certain it was a good idea. As much as he hated to admit it, while she bled and proved she could now be in heat, it made it slightly intolerable to be around her. He enjoyed his life when it was not complicated and without those _emotions_. He never thought a bond with a human would bring so many feelings forward and dealing with them became quite irritating.

And so, he decided to remain where he was.

She did not seem to mind since mere moments later, he heard a soft snoring coming from her. He knew if she was a simple human, falling asleep after such a hit was a bad idea but if she was close to death he would know. The bond, his strength, would not let her die from such a foolish situation. Though, he had to agree with her, even the bond could not save her from chocking to death which was the only reason why he agreed to stay.

To top it all off, he was not like her. His days were not filled. He went through the motions. What did this world have to offer him? _Nothing_. It brought him nothing new, nothing interesting. He did what he had to do to survive, waiting to come back on top. Until then, he would remain lurking in the shadows.

Minutes turned into hours and he found himself more at ease. Especially asleep, she was not annoying at all. He shifted his position a bit until his back was resting on the headboard though his legs were hanging off the edge instead of being stretched out. Then, he closed his eyes.

_And he inhaled deeply_.

-R-

Once morning came and woke her, Kagome felt like a truck ran her over.

She could already tell the wound on her head was gone and that the bones in her back were _not_ broken. Nonetheless, she felt like crap. However, those feelings were quickly forgotten when she lifted her head and saw _Sesshomaru_ was there, laying beside her. His arms were crossed over his chest in a very serious manner and he almost looked like he was frowning. The sight almost made her laugh but she held it back: it might wake him and she had a feeling her laughing at him was not how he wanted to wake up.

Deep down, it made her happy that he felt comfortable enough to sleep by her side.

"Your towel has slipped."

At first, the sound of his voice, indicating that he was awake and knew she was staring at him, shocked her and she did not process his words. However, when she did, her eyes widened while she looked down. The towel remained on the bed while her whole chest and stomach were exposed to Sesshomaru's eyes. Though she guessed he saw it all when he rescued her from the bathtub. Still, she picked up the towel, a faint blush coloring her cheeks, and covered herself.

"At least ther-e's not much to look at," she mumbled.

He did remember her with a fuller figure. Of course, she also weight much more then. Her breasts were perhaps not even half the size they used to be, not that he paid much attention to her body.

An aspect that would not change for a while was how uncomfortable she was with her body. She used to not care about it but the cancer and the treatments took quite a toll on it. It was not pretty, it was not something anyone would want to look upon. Not that she had anyone who wanted that kind of intimacy with her.

"Thank you. For staying."

"I am only doing what I promise I would do."

Then, just like that, he was on his feet and walked out the door. She watched him leave a sad smile on her face. She knew it was Sesshomaru, the man who never slept with anyone and had no desire to do so, but the fact that her naked body did not even arise any kind of reactions from him was almost hurtful. It was not like she wanted him to be turned on by her but she expected…something? Even him being uncomfortable would have been enough.

Now, only one thought ran through her mind; it was _that_ bad?

The door closed behind and she pinched her lips.

It appeared that her recent resolution to _feel_ better was not quite working. She needed something that would bring her out of this routine, she needed something new. The question was, what would busy her enough to let her slip away from her troubles?

A job was out of the question and leaving the house was not a good idea while she did not have all of her strength back. Although…there was stuff she could do from the house right? These days all you needed was a laptop and you were all set. Work was out of the way _also_ because she had no experience…but online courses could be an idea right? It was not exactly how she thought she would be going to school but it was an idea. At least that way she could do it on her own time and when she was tired she could rest up a bit.

The only problem left was the money situation. Online classes were not as expensive as real classes but she had _no_ money. Sesshomaru was using all of his to take care of her and her family had none…not that she would ask anybody to pay for it.

That left her back to square one. There was nothing she could do until she got better. However, all this laying around doing nothing all day was starting to drive her crazy. Once more, she sighed and sat herself up in the bed. There were not any other options apparently.

"Kagome, I'm here."

Kagome frowned; her mother was here two days in a row? She did not want her mother worrying and taking time to come check up on her. The whole point of this was also to free up Miyu. Although now that she was thinking about it, Sesshomaru might have called her to let her know she got injured. The reminder caused Kagome to raise a hand and feel the back of her head. As expected, there was nothing left. It was as if she never nearly killed herself.

Another perk of the mating.

Deciding she felt stuffy in her room, Kagome stood up and chose to meet up with her mom in the living room. The surprise was obvious in her face when she saw Sesshomaru sitting at the table surrounded by papers. He never looked at her but her mother smiled.

"It's saturday, dear."

_Oh right. _She did not really have a reason to keep track of the days and every day was saturday for her at the moment.

"I made some Kasutera, and I thought you might like some. It should not to be too hard on your stomach." Because of Kagome's speedy recovery it was always hard to figure out where she stood regarding food, strength and energy.

"Thanks mom," Kagome said as she sat down on the couch. "I'm not very hun-gry right now, but I'll have some la-ter."

"Sesshomaru told me about what happened yesterday," she said as she approached her daughter and gently caressed her hair. Then, her eyes caught the sight of the red blood staining the couch and her eyes widened slightly. "Are you alright?"

"Oh." She forgot about the couch. After the hit on her head and everything else, it surprisingly slipped her mind. "I'm fine. I _started_ a-gain."

Relief showed on Miyu's face as she nodded. "I suppose you don't have anything?"

Another thing she did not think about. She spent so much time without having to worry about it that she forgot the basics. "I don't."

"Well, you cannot go out and I do not think I want to subject Sesshomaru to this experience. I'll go pick you up some stuff." She bent forward and pressed a kiss on her daughter's forehead.

"Thank you mom."

"Do either of you need anything else?"

Kagome simply shook her head and Sesshomaru offered a quiet, "_No, but thank you_."

Once Miyu left they were back to being only Kagome and Sesshomaru and that made her a bit uncomfortable. She was at ease in his presence now and she hated this feeling. All that began with a stupid stained couch - which was still stained… Was he too busy to take it in? It only made her feel as if she was yet again adding more work to his already full plate.

"I barely use the couch. The insignificance of the event made it slip my mind."

It was a little white lie. Even though the blood was dry by now, he could still smell it. It mostly had something to do with the fact that he never really got anything dry cleaned. He took care of washing his own suits. Dry cleaners seemed like a place that would annoy him - and his nose. Also, the people there would probably get on his nerves. Since he did not know of any places, he did not take care of the small problem yet.

Though, with the strong scent of her blood, it might be something he should take care of rapidly.

"Is it ob-vious on my face?"

Actually he felt it. However, since he did not let her know just how much of her he could feel, that could not be his answer. "There was a shift in your aura."

"Oh."

At least one tense situation was taken care of and that only left one more. "I'm re-ally sorry about the bath thing." She nervously began playing with her fingers. "And for the uncomfor-table situation. I know it's not the best sight right no-w." Her eyes widened a bit. "Not that you w-ere looking or anything."

Why did she bring it up? Now she was basically accusing him of staring at her naked body while she was half unconscious. If _someone_ did not want to look at a naked woman - or a naked anything - it was _him_.

"There is no reason for you to apologize. You were in need of help."

To be perfectly honest he barely remembered the sight of her body. She was awfully skinny but everything considered, he already knew that. Also, it hardly mattered if her body was a pleasing sight for him or not; they were not true mates and he had no desire to venture in those territories.

"You should not care what others think of you."

It used to be one of her admirable qualities. It was one she should keep despite the changes happening to her personality.

"I don't." Most of the time. His reaction simply took her by surprise. It was also the first time someone saw her basically fully naked. Inuyasha got a peek once but it was not the same. _That_ was her first time naked in front of someone from the opposite sex… someone who also happened to be her fake mate and fake husband.

Their situation _was_ complicated.

"I guess it'll be the on-ly time we'll be in a nor-mal husband and wife situation."

For a moment, she thought she saw the corners of his mouth twitch into a smile but it happened so fast, she concluded that she imagined it. Although, it would not be the first time he would have an out of character reaction. She could still remember when their fingers touched; that was definitively not a gesture she expected from _him_.

"From what I have observed we tolerate each other better than most married couples."

She laughed, though it mostly ended up sounding like she was wheezing. "I suppose." Sesshomaru trying to be humorous; that was new.

"What are the o-dds huh? All of this happ-ening back to back."

He raised his head and stopped typing. "Considering all the situations you have been, I would the probability was fairly high."

"You didn't see me that often in the p-ast."

"Yet each time you seemed to trip over your own feet. Is that not how you retrieve my father's sword?"

Oh. _That_. "Point taken." She grinned. "I wonder what happ-ened to it."

"I kept it." She tipped her head to the side and her eyes widened. "It is in storage. Not only is it of no use to me in this new world but I cannot yield it."

"Your father used to yi-eld it."

"Yes."

"He was a youkai." She turned her body to face his. "Myoga once tol-d us that your father made the sword to pro-tect Inuyasha's mother, who was a human."

"That is correct." Though he despised that very much when he was a young pup.

"And you yield it once with a human arm and Inu-yasha could yield it all the time… once he swore to protect me. A human."

He blinked slowly. "Are you suggesting I cannot yield it because I never had a human to protect?"

She shrugged. "Maybe."

None of them ever knew much about the sword. They simply learned about it as they went along their adventure.

"I still cannot yield it."

"You pro-mised to protect me."

"I am under an oath, an obligation. There was no feelings beneath it unlike when my father tried to protect Izayoi and Inuyasha wished to save you."

When he put it like that, it did not help ease the guilt she felt. She shuffled her feet and pulled away from him slightly. She was his _obligation_.

"As I have mentioned to you, I believe you are worthy of receiving a second chance at life. I also do not mind this."

Her emotions were not part of his preoccupations. He was not certain why he made sure to add to his previous statement to spare her feelings. None of what he just said was a lie but there was also no point in mentioning it. After all, she was already well aware of the reason _why_ he came to her at the hospital.

Kagome believed his words. His promise to Inuyasha was extremely vague and he clearly went further than what was required of him. She was extremely grateful for that.

"I think it still counts. For the ss-word, I mean."

"I do not believe it would be wise to test your theory in the middle of Tokyo."

She laughed. "Inuyasha did that once… it did n-ot turn out well."

As she spoke about his brother, her face brightened. He could also sense through her how much she missed him. Almost involuntarily, he stood up. This time however, he was not going away from her but closer to her. He joined her on the couch and the only thing separating them was the red stain.

She was not put off by his closeness. Instead, she realized how much she welcomed it.

Having emotions influence his actions was new to him and it was a concept he was growing to hate more and more each time. Trying to distract from the situation, he took the remote and turned on the television. She never said a word.

She did do something else however.

Out of nowhere, while the silent room was filled with background noises coming from the television that neither of them were watching, she moved her hand. She kept on moving it until her little finger touched his… much like he had done before. He almost felt the urge to look at her but he did not.

Kagome allowed her tensed body to relax. She recognized the feeling in the room. It was the same one that was present when he joined her on the couch much like now and connected their hands with a touch. She did not realize it before but she did now; it came from Sesshomaru.

She felt _his_ feelings.

Deep down, through all the layers, the power, the strength, it was… _insecurity_.

What was the probability of _that_?

-R-


	8. The Providing

**A/N:** Yay, Maddie is updating. Let's see how long I can keep this up!

_Side note:_ The last two weeks were hell. Finals. No sleep. Too much caffeine. Also, I have the worst cold. Therefor, I shall not be held responsible for any crazyness, mistakes or none sense you might find in this chapter!

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 8: The Providing**

A gift; an act of giving something as a present.

The problem was, he never really gave anyone a gift. Not only that but he was fairly convinced that you needed a certain amount of knowledge about one's interests, likes and dislikes to give a gift. He did not know Kagome. They shared an apartment for quite a while now but he never found a reason _why_ he should get to know her. As a matter of fact he was not entirely sure why he was giving her a gift. Perhaps it was because she spent most of her days with nothing to do. Leaving the house by herself was not yet an option and his apartment lacked entertainment. Her boredom began to affect him and it was mostly what pushed him to do this.

He did not know if she would enjoy his gift, though it was nothing much, but it was what he thought to be the best choice given what he knew about humans. Too bad it was not a lot.

Sesshomaru unlocked the apartment's door and walked in. Kagome sat on the couch, a remote in her hand and her eyes fixed on the television. When he made enough noise to be noticed, she raised her head. "Hey," she greeted.

He acknowledged her by nodding. He marched very seriously in her direction and once his brown leather suitcase was on the ground, he put the white plastic bag on the wooden table. She glanced at him, then at the bag and finally back at him.

"This is for you," he explained.

She jerked her head back and then attempted to smile. She looked at the bag for a moment before she leaned forward and carefully picked it up. She opened it and shoved a hand inside to retrieve the content. Her surprise only grew when she realized she was holding _art supplies_ in her hand. There was a sketchbook and pencils and still left in the bags were markers, erasers and other kind of pencils.

"I assumed you were bored during the day." _Assumed_ was not strong enough of a word but he figured she had no desire to know he felt her every emotions. Especially since he _felt_ how much of a bother she thought she was sometimes.

Sparing her feelings and pride felt like the proper move.

"Tha- thank you," she stuttered.

Sesshomaru came and went most of the days. They rarely spoke and even when they shared the same space they did their own thing. Although she knew he watched out for her well being, she never thought he considered her boredom to be part of that.

She did not know the first thing about drawing and it was not something she practiced often but she did have _a lot of time _on her hands. Also, until she could leave the house her options were extremely limited.

"It's very kind of y-you."

Once again, he replied with a nod.

Then, it was the end of their little conversation. He retrieved his suitcase and sat down at the desk and she leaned back into the couch after putting her new gift beside her. It hardly mattered that he seemed cold or that he did not see himself as someone who had _feelings_ - at least not like humans did. Sesshomaru was kinder than most people. She nearly chuckled at the thought. He might not see it that way but she did. The thought of picturing him in an art supplies store, trying to find something appropriate for her was enough to make her smile. Oh how out of place he must have looked. And she was certain none of the employees dared to approach him.

Her eyes went from the television, to the sketchbook. Perhaps she could try it now? She was not expecting herself to be very talented but it could be fun.

She crossed her legs and grabbed the sketchbook before putting it down on her lap. Not knowing which pencil size was better, she picked one at random. Kagome stared at the blank piece of paper in front of her and began to wonder. What could she possibly draw? Thinking, she began tapping the pencil on the edge of the sketchbook.

"You could draw your memories."

His suggestion took her by surprise. "My memories?"

"You often spoke sadly of the past, of the people you will never see again and the adventures you can no longer have."

Funny enough, if she tried to think about the feudal era, all that came to her mind was the well. It was the central point of it all; the reason she went there in the first place, the reason she could not return. Perhaps she could draw that. It did haunt her memories durings many nights.

"Thank you," she said before tightening her grip on her pencil.

As she began sketching, Sesshomaru observed her from the corner of his eye. She appeared to be rather determined to do this and it would keep her busy. After a few moments where it felt like he was spying on her, he looked away and he resumed his own work. If he was completely honest, he would admit that lately doing his work was harder than usual. Before her arrival in his life, he established a routine that he followed every day. He did the exact same thing every day since he began this cover of a human life and he never thought twice about it. Life had been worse, especially during the transitions, and this was simply a boring chunk of time to go through.

However, now that she was here, it was slightly different.

First of all, she completely destroyed his routine, not that he was issuing a complaint, and she filled his days with activities and _talk_ and human contact of sorts. This was not the life he used to lead. Now, when it was time to doing pointless, mindless tasks like he was now, he found it aggravating. Having someone else in his bubble of a life took him back to times where he did not serve humans behind a counter, where he did not fill in countless paperwork only to earn minimum wage. He also recalled the times when he _owned_ those lands.

Once in a while, he would feel like this. Most times it faded away rather quickly. Now he found it unnerving. He did not know if it was caused by his own feelings alone or he was influenced by her; it messed with his mind and he did not like it.

Perhaps it was only him. After all, did she not peaceful sit on the couch? Then again, she was human and emotions were natural for her and she seemed to be a more sensitive human being than most. It could not be ignored that the stronger she got, the stronger their small connection was. She did have powers of her own… powers that clashed with his greatly. Mikos mating youkais was not a common occurrence and he did wonder if it would end badly if it was a real mating. Most mikos were weak and probably overpower by the youkis of strong youkais but she _was_ the miko of the shikon no tama.

Again, it was information he did not need to know. Why did he allow himself to be distracted by such foolishness?

Sesshomaru cleared his throat and once again attempted to resume his work.

Meanwhile, Kagome sketched away. Her lines were awkward but she was determined to get it right. She only had to think about the well to picture it clearly in her mind. If she closed her eyes she could even recall the feeling of the old wood beneath her fingertips. Minutes turned into hours and she was still crouched up on the couch sketching away. The only thing that broke her out of her trance was Sesshomaru. Once he noticed the time going by and the fact that she did not eat yet today, he made her food. He knew she was quite forgetful when it came down to her hunger.

She offered him a small smile before putting down the sketchbook and pencil.

Kagome did not feel hungry but since Sesshomaru was _strongly_ hinting that she should eat, she imagined that quite some time went by since her last meal. She took the bowl of soup and the spoon and slowly began eating. Meanwhile, Sesshomaru found himself staring at her drawing. He did not know what to expect when it came down to her drawing talents but he did not expect this. She was not bad.

"I'm just dood-ling," she hurried to say.

"It is good."

"O-h," she replied, taken back. "Thank you."

He offered her a nod and then left her alone to eat.

Every day she spent with him, she was more and more puzzled by him. She would never figure out Sesshomaru. Although that did not mean she was not curious. He already explained that he was not one to feel much and she totally believed him. However, that brought forward many questions.

"May I as-k something?" she dared.

"Yes," he replied, never lifting his gaze.

"Why don't _you_ feel? I mean Inuyasha did, Kouga also did. E-ven Naraku was fuelled by rage."

"I do feel," he clarified. It was not as if he never experienced emotions. They were especially stronger in the past; greed, pride. Obviously he rarely let them ever control him but he did feel those emotions. "Inuyoukais are calmer by nature. Inuyasha's human blood made him more… _hot headed_."

"Your father was like y-you?"

"He was." _Until Izayoi_. "One day however, he found something he decided was worth his emotions."

Perhaps Sesshomaru could have been more _emotional_ but his years - actually centuries - alone did not help that. Not that he saw a need in feelings; they only clouded one's judgment. He firmly believed that is lack of emotional reaction helped him live through this _human _era. If he had a bit more temper and the same intolerance as before he was sure he would have committed quite a few murders by now.

"Don't you feel like you're miss-ing something?"

"What would I be missing?"

"Need, love, devotion."

"I care for those who are important to me in my own ways."

The one word that came to Kagome's mind was Rin. She never doubted that he cared for that little girl and he did rescue her once in the past - same with Inuyasha. Maybe he felt more than he realized but his lack of understanding of the subject made him think he had no feelings? Still, she chose to remain silent about that. After all, it was none of her business how he wanted to live his life. Her curiosity simply got the best of her.

She nodded, even though he could not see her, and then she diverted her attention elsewhere.

Kagome would not find someone to tell her how to deal with this emptiness inside her.

-R-

The next morning, Kagome got out of her room again very early compared to before. She was two for two so far. Since it was saturday, Sesshomaru was home. She found him sitting on the couch, browsing through the different TV channels.

"Your mother called to invite you over," he said as she walked by him.

"Invite me?" she asked, confused. Would it not be simpler if her mother came over?

"It is your brother's birthday."

Souta's birthday? Already? Ever since she went to the hospital, she completely stopped keeping track of the days and that did not change when she started living with Sesshomaru. She sunk her teeth in her bottom lip and fisted her hands uncomfortably. At the moment, she felt like a terrible sister. How did she forget! Although, it hardly mattered, it was not as if she could go… _she could not drive_ or really take the bus on her own. She could _ask_ Sesshomaru but…did she not ask enough of him already?

"Oh. Right," she quietly said.

That was all she said. Then, she sat down beside him on the couch which baffled him.

"Do you require the phone?"

"No."

And he did not ask why.

Curiosity was probably not one of his traits but it did make her edgy. She rubbed her foot together and pinched her lips. "I can't d-rive," she answered even though he did not inquire.

"I can drive you," he simply stated.

"I don't wa-nt to bother you."

"I am not doing anything at the moment. It would not interfere with my schedule." When she did not ask for a ride, he assumed she did not want to go.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded.

"Thank you."

She put her legs against her chest and wrapped her arms around them before resting her head on her knees. For a while, she never thought she would see her brother grow up. She remembered having a few conversations with him when they laid together in her hospital bed and he would tell her about what he wanted to do, who he wanted to become. Now, she would be there to witness it. Next year though, she would not forget his birthday.

As she thought about the food and the cake her mother would make, a realization dawned upon her; _she was rude to Sesshomaru_. She did not even invite him. Granted she was absolutely certain he would refuse, inviting him was the polite thing to do. She shifted her glance until she was looking at him. He was still looking through the channels, clearly not finding something that would hold his interest.

"Would you like to come? Not just dd-rive me I mean.""

"Your mother invited me to attend if you chose to be present for the festivities."

_Right_. Obviously her mother would have already done that. "Oh." She squirmed. "What did you say?"

His initial intention was to politely refuse the invitation. Kagome may be his mate and wife in names but this was certainly not the kind of relationship that involved him spending time with her family. However, Kagome's mother had the girl's old stubbornness. Before he even had a chance to refuse, she was already pleading and coming up with many reasons why he should be one of the guests for the evening. Considering the fact that the woman was polite with him and showed understanding while he tried to be true to his obligation, he concluded that refusing her would be rather rude and impolite.

"I thanked her and accepted her offer."

Kagome blinked and then, an incredulous look appeared in her eyes. "You want to spend ti-me with my family?"

"Your mother was rather insistent." It was not in a bad or pushy way. The woman felt bad he was taking care of her daughter and she wanted some way to show her gratitude. It was a trait many humans shared.

Her shoulders dropped and her chin tilted down. _He felt forced_. "She wants to say tha-nk you."

"I am aware. I do not mind attending."

Food was not a necessity and he did not need the company. Nonetheless, it was an _activity_. His life was rather sheltered and he was fairly sure her family was better company than the people he was forced to endure at work. They did come from a long line of Mikos and Monks; at least they were honourable.

Kagome smiled. "I know my mother will be ha-ppy."

It was true that it was rather difficult to find something to do to thank Sesshomaru. Homemade meals were no help since he did not even need to eat. He was not a messy person and did not need help cleaning either. Also, he rarely did anything and he did not seem to have any hobbies; giving him a gift would be very difficult. Maybe her mother thought he was lonely? He did feel lonely sometimes… or what was it again she felt that time? Insecurity. She never asked him about it and she did not have any intentions to. Somehow, she felt he would not appreciate her question.

Nonetheless, he sort of became a part of their family when he mated and married her. Since he did not seem to have any family left and did not have friends she knew her mother would like to provide him with that. Granted he was probably not someone who was looking for that sort of thing but… who knew. He might find it tolerable. Plus, he said yes, did he not? It had to mean it did not bother him _that much_.

"We can leave whenever you are ready."

Right. They might only be going to her house but she doubted _pyjamas_ were a proper attire. "I shouldn't be to-o long."

He nodded. "Would it be acceptable for you to remain alone in the apartment while you change?"

She frowned. "Yes." Where was he going?

"Very well."

Sesshomaru stood up and grabbed his keys. "I will return in a few minutes," he said before leaving her alone.

She blinked, her lips pinched. Sesshomaru never went anywhere, except to work and to go groceries shopping for her. Where did he need to go? Asking would be a solution but she would not pry. He did not involve himself in her life and she would not involve herself in his. They were not that kind of relationship. She sighed before slowly making her way to her bedroom. Her steps were steadier and she sweated less during her normal every day activities. It did make it easier for her to get around and she relied less and less on Sesshomaru which she was certain he appreciated.

Once she was in her bedroom, sitting on her bed to recover, she realized she did not really have clothes. She had that nice dress Sesshomaru bought her but it was _tad bit_ overdoing it. Everything else was casual. There was nothing wrong with that though something _nice_ would have been good too. Although, it was not as if she could pull off _something nice_ right now. She exhaled loudly and once more, it came out as a wheezing sound. She grabbed a pair of jeans and a blue long sleeve shirt. She laid them out beside her before undressing. As per usual, it was a bit of a struggle; her arms did not recover their strength as much as her legs did.

After struggling and grunting for a while, she managed to get dress. Perhaps she should be grateful she did not have to do her hair. She bitterly chuckled at herself and gave one big push to make it on her feet. From the lack of noises coming from the other side of the door, she could tell Sesshomaru was not back yet. She suppressed her curiosity and decided to wait for him on the couch.

Instead of comfortably slouching on the couch, she stood rather _too_ straight up. A mix of excitement and nervousness filled her stomach. She was happy to see her _whole_ family; after all, she did not see Souta or her grandpa ever since she got out of the hospital. It was not like she did not want to see them… she simply had no desire to have them see her in this state. She was better now though, so… it was good. It would be fine. This time, she would not have to look into Souta's sad eyes. The look in his eyes when he first learned she had cancer broke her heart. After a while, she did not even want him to visit her at the hospital. He try to come anyway but her mother convinced him to stay home.

She did not want him to watch her die.

Now he did not have to.

Her grandfather was a whole other story though. Even if she was certain he was pleased she was alive and thankful to Sesshomaru for what he did… he still did not like youkais. Hopefully he evolved past the _throwing sand at youkai_ stage or else Sesshomaru was in for a… _delightful_ surprise.

The sound of the apartment door opening made her jump. Sesshomaru leaned forward, hiding part of his body with the door. "Are you ready?"

She nodded.

She stood up and slowly followed him. When they got to the stairs, she stopped for a moment and he turned back to look at her.

"Do you need assistance?"

He helped her downstairs when they went to the charity event. Actually, he almost carried her. Not today. She swallowed hard while she shook her head. Her feet were shaking but she approached the steps nonetheless. She clutched her hands around the ramp and then took the first step down. He watched her closely but did not intervene which she appreciated. Her arms shook while she slowly made her way down all the stairs. At the end, she was covered in a thin layer of sweat. She inhaled as best she could in an attempt to catch her breath and then, she nodded at Sesshomaru.

Once he confirmed she was steady and fine, he moved along. He made sure she followed closely behind him and then, he opened the car door for her and waited. If she did not want any help with the stairs, he imagined she did not want any help getting in the car.

Kagome looked discouraged as she stared at the car. Her bottom lip wobbled while she was exhausted simply thinking about all the effort she was about to do. Walking around in the apartment and climbing was two very different things. Perhaps she needed to re consider her work out routine. She grabbed on to the edge of the seat and grunted while she pushed herself up. She gapped for air once or twice but she managed to sit down.

He closed the door behind her and went to his own seat. She might not know but she was an open book at the moment. Her emotions were vividly radiating through her aura; she felt pride. He did not recall her ever feeling that way ever since her arrival in his life. She was sweaty, breathless and probably a bit tired and yet she was _proud_ of herself. He did not realize that such trivial things could bring someone such pride. Perhaps he should take her out more. Although she did not seem comfortable in public settings…but they could find more private places. He was not one for activities but… if it helped her, he could do it.

The ride to the shrine was silent. He was unable to determine if it was because she was tired, nervous or simply did not wish to talk. Whatever the reason, it did not concern him and frankly he had no problem with silence. He had a feeling there would be _no silence_ during the evening.

Since there was no traffic, they arrived there rather quickly. Purposefully, Sesshomaru took his time to get out of the car. He did not want her to feel rushed or pressured. She did not seem to notice since she focused all of her attention on getting out. And she managed to do it. Just like she managed to do everything else today. He got out once she opened the door and waited by her side.

"Are you sure about this? You d-on't have to come."

"I am here."

It was not really an answer and it did not really tell her if he did want to be there but… if he did not voice any objections…she would not speak about it any longer.

They barely reached the door that it opened. Kagome's mother stared at them with a smile on her face. Simply seeing her daughter _out_ and walking was enough to bring tears to her eyes. She did her best to look unaffected but it was difficult. The sight of her daughter near death in a hospital bed would be a hard image to forget but _those_ moments like right now… they helped. There was no need for that ache in her heart, there was no need for sleepless night, there was no need for tears. Kagome was alive and healthy.

"Welcome," she managed to say with a steady voice.

"Thank you for inviting me, Mrs. Higurashi," he politely replied.

"You're family. You are always welcomed here." He was still a stranger to her and Kagome and him would most likely go their own way eventually but he would always be the one who gave a second life to her daughter. No matter what or who he was, she would always be there to return the favour.

He nodded, unable to say anything else to her comment. They were strangers. They were not his family. Again, he remained polite. The woman tried to thank him for his action towards his daughter, though she did not need to, and he would accept her gesture.

Miyu greeted her daughter next. She leaned forward and brought her into an embrace. Kagome returned the hug, a smile on her face. Her mother was happy to see her out and about. Sometimes, Kagome let herself get so wrapped up in her _lack_ of fast progress, that she forgot she was making progress regardless of the speed of it. Now, she could see it through her mother's eyes. She looked forward to the day her mother would not be so concern about her health. After all, from now on, Kagome could hardly ever get sick again.

"Come in, come in," her mother said as she pulled away.

Kagome and Sesshomaru followed her inside. The shrine had a few balloons but nothing else. It was just a family dinner though Kagome also assumed her mother had yet to get back on her feet after spending so much money on hospital bills. That did not help with the guilt. Maybe - they were busy or maybe her mother chose to spend more on a gift for her brother…

"_Kagome!"_

As soon as Souta spotted his sister, he came running in her direction. However, he came to a halt once he was in front of her. He had yet to see her healthy and standing on her own two feet. He almost looked unsure, as if he did not know if he could hug her without hurting her. To break the tension, she took a step forward and hugged _him_. His face was buried in her shoulder and after a moment, she felt her shirt getting wet; he was crying. Her features saddened and she grabbed his face with her hands, pulling him away from her.

"Souta, I'm okay."

"I know." He wiped away any evidence of his tears and forced himself to put a smile on his face. "I missed you."

"I missed yo-ou too. _And _Happy Birthday," she said before ruffling his hair.

For the first time since he came into the living room, Souta looked at Sesshomaru. She imagined her mother told him a little about what happened, about who Sesshomaru was but she did not know the full extend of his knowledge. He awkwardly approached Sesshomaru who remained as still as a statue. They stared at each other for a moment, never exchanging a single word.

Then, Souta broke the silence. "Thank you."

When Souta was still young, Kagome began time traveling which took her away from him a bit. Then, when she was back home for good, and devastated about it, she fell ill which almost took her away from them _permanently_. He was not completely sure how but _this_ man was the reason his sister was alive and that was good enough for him. _Plus_, he was Inuyasha's brother and Souta always worshipped Inuyasha. He could not be a bad person.

Sesshomaru offered a slight bow and immediately stood back straight.

"_Youkai!_"

At the sound of her grandfather's voice, Kagome cringed. This was not good.

"_Father_."

Miyu's warning was enough to stop grandpa. He came to an immediate halt and waited with a hand, full of beige powder, up in the air.

"Sesshomaru is our guest."

Grandpa grumbled, clearly not convinced before he sighed. He tossed the powder away and walked towards the kitchen while Kagome held back the urge to sigh of relief. She knew Sesshomaru was polite and did not have Inuyasha's temper but you could never be _too_ careful especially since her grandpa had a tendency of making _strong_ impressions on people.

She dared to look at Sesshomaru who was staring at the empty spot where her grandfather used to be. His perfect eyebrow was arched but he did not seem angry - he mostly appeared to be _intrigued_? At least she hoped.

"Who's hungry?" Miyu asked while holding a bowl of rice.

She did not know what kind of food to make since Kagome's progress were hard to follow so she made a little bit of everything. She also was not sure Sesshomaru would eat but she made enough for everyone.

Once they reached the table, Sesshomaru did an unexpected gesture. Before Kagome even had time to grab her chair, he pulled it out for her. She froze for a second, her eyes a bit squinted, before thanking them and sitting down. He took a seat beside her, never looking at her again. She held back a little laugh; Sesshomaru's politeness and manners could almost be mistaken for romantic gestures.

Miyu went around giving everybody a plate but once she got to Sesshomaru she paused. "Will you be eating as well?"

"Yes, thank you," he said while he took the plate from her. It would seem rather rude if he sat down at the table with everybody else but did not indulge in some of the food.

Everybody ate, although Sesshomaru and Kagome looked like they were only nibbling, while Souta chatted everyone's ears off. Kagome participated in the conversation quite often but Sesshomaru kept his involvement to nods. She could tell he was slightly out of his comfort zone but she said nothing; he already said he was here to stay and she would not put him on the spot by asking him in front of everybody if he wanted to leave. She did turn her head to look and smile at him a few times though.

Once dinner was over, Miyu cleared the table _alone_, despite everyone's attempt to help. Once she was done, it was time for the _cake_. Miyu held in her hand a strawberry shortcake while everybody, except Sesshomaru, sang happy birthday. Kagome did not have enough breath to shout which led to her grandfather's voice being the one everyone heard the most - unfortunately.

Souta made a wish, blew the candles and everybody clapped.

"Time from presents," Kagome's grandpa said while Miyu cut a piece of cake for everyone.

He handed a pile of paper to Souta with a big smile on his face.

Unsure, Souta took it from him. "Thanks grandpa."

"Don't you wanna know what it is?"

Kagome kept her lips pinched; whatever it was, she had a feeling it was not what Souta hoped to receive for his birthday.

"What is it?"

"Sutras! Now you can begin your own collection! It'll be important for you when you're a monk."

"Grandpa, I'm _not_ going to be a monk"

"Nonsense, you're the first born male heir. The shrine goes to you!"

"Why can't Kagome have it? She's the one with the _power_ stuff…I just wanna play soccer!"

"Kagome is married to a _youkai!_ She can't run a holy shrine."

Eyebrows were arched all around. Miyu on the other hand was _almost_ glaring. "Which we are thankful for…" her grandpa added.

"How about we open another present?" Miyu asked as she tried to break the awkward tension that was building.

"_Yes, please_."

She smiled as she reached out behind her and picked up her gift for him. She put it down on the table and waited for him to open it. Souta tore throw the paper rapidly and then, grinned and jumped up in excitement. "_The new game console_!" He held it out proudly and his eyes doubled in size. "Thanks mom!" He put the gift down and then threw his arms around his mother. "Thank you."

As Souta detached himself from his mother, Sesshomaru got up. He sneaked his hand in his jacket and pulled out an envelope. Under everyone's shocked expression, he handed it to Souta.

Souta pulled a birthday card from the envelope and opened it. It did not say much, it was not personal, funny or anything but it was a card. Inside, he found a gift card for a video game store.

"Kagome has mentioned your interest for this sort of activities. We thought you would enjoy this gift."

Kagome tried to keep a neutral expression but his sentence kept repeating in her head. _We_. He was saying that _they_ both bought this. She had nothing to do with the gift. That was what Sesshomaru did earlier? He went to pick up a gift for her brother? _And_ he actually listened when she talked about non-sense? Sometimes, she had a feeling he only let her talk to not upset her.

"Thank you." He shook Sesshomaru's hand to thank him and hugged his sister.

Once Sesshomaru sat back down, it was Kagome's turn to express her gratitude. "You didn't have to do th-at," she whispered.

"It was my belief that you would have been upset if you did not give your brother a gift."

She would have felt bad, yes. "Thank you, Sesshoma-ru. It was very kind of you."

He did involve himself in her life more than he should have. He did it to ensure she would spend a good evening. He believed that would help her recover faster. Those were the only reasons. He did have to live with her and feel her emotions from time to time. He would rather feel her happiness than her depression.

Kagome reached out for his hand and gave it a quick squeeze. The gesture came naturally and she did not even think about it… until she released his hand.

Feeling a bit awkward, she rose to her feet as fast as her body allowed her and joined her mother and brother in their celebration and hugs. Meanwhile, Sesshomaru stared at them. He ignored the little twitch in his hand and gave them his complete attention.

So this was a family.

_Interesting._

-R-


	9. The Probing

**A/N: **Pretty sure everyone either forgot about all my stories or they hate me for not updating. _Sorry. _I will make one thing clear though, I will never abandonned any of my stories. I know lately it's been taking a while to update but THEY WILL ALL BE FINISHED, I swear. Life is just wibbley wobbley full of ups and downs... so sometimes writing has to take the last place on the priority list. I'm sorry. Updates for all my other stories are coming and you can check their progress on my profile (should be tonight or tomorrow though).

If you're still reading, thank you.

Also, no beta-ed and seriously, it's been so long...I'm sure it's FULL of mistakes and I'm deeply sorry for that. I didn't even _re read it_. I'm too tired. If you wait for me to re-read it, you're never gonna have updates.

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 9: The Probing**

_A bond_.

He never formed one.

His father died when he was a pup. His mother preferred exercising her parental duties from a far. He certainly did not have one with Inuyasha - except perhaps a bond of obligation. He had duty to fulfill when it came to Rin - or - _Rin_ was apart.

Out of all the unlikely people, he had one with _Kagome_.

It was why he laid in his bed, completely awake. Frankly, he probably could use the rest but it was not going to happen. Not when she was such a wreck. As he laid there, bare chest with the blankets gathered at his feet, he _felt_ her.

She laid in her bed, probably in a similar position, and she was _sweating_. He knew that because _he_ was sweating. The only other that happened was right after their mating. This was her doing - on accident of course. He knew she was not aware of her actions. Nonetheless, it was quite annoying.

He was sticky. He was soaked. He was _uncomfortable_.

He tried not to move - when he did, he felt himself _slide_ across his sheet. If he was feeling warm and sweating, it had to mean she had a fever. Obviously he did not know if it was another surge of her power or her way of healing.

Sesshomaru chose to not check up on her because he had yet to feel her weaken; her aura did not even falter. At least, since he could not rest, he could monitor her condition from his bed. Frankly, he was not sure his legs would work long enough for him to make it to her bedroom.

Nobody ever made him feel weak and powerless - and then she came along.

His legs were like jell-o. He was pinned down.

A ping of frustration traveled through him. He _had_ to get up. This weakness, this side effect, was far from being his favourite one. He was certain he was supposed to have some sort of control over the bond. Granted, he did not wish suffering upon her but he had no desire to remain locked in his bedroom either. Unfortunately for him, to be able to control the bond, he was sure he needed to _feel_ the bond. He felt the effects of it, but not the bond itself. The link was weak, barely existent. There was no way _they_ could straighten it.

Based on what he knew, and his current personal _luck -_ though he hated that concept- he was fairly certain that the only way to do that was with physical contact.

That was a notion neither of them were too keen on. He did not need to ask her to know that.

However, he did wonder if some sort of closeness could work. Perhaps if was in the same room as her…the feeling would lessen…or be shared more equally?

He might try it but once again, his legs would not cooperate.

There were not too many cons. Kagome would probably not disturb him. Missing work was not really a concern. If he said he had to remain home because his sick wife was having a very bad day, they would let him off the hook. Money was a problem though. They needed it. Until she came to live with him, he did not realize how expensive food was. Eating was really troublesome.

Could he just ride it out? Wait here until _she_ felt better so that he could feel better?

It seemed to be the only logical and easiest solution.

It did drive him crazy though.

Silence filled the room and he closed his eyes one more time.

He quickly opened them back up though when he realized that when they were closed, it allowed him to _feel_ the weakness spreading, the sweat dripping, the heat of his skin rising. He did not want to experience it. Not again.

Sesshomaru was about to attempt to lock himself away in his mind when he was disturbed. He heard the _faintest_ knock on his door. _How…what_. How in the world would she know how he was feeling? No. She could not know. Perhaps it was her who felt ill and required assistance? Although her aura felt fine… Then again, she would not disturb him in the middle of the night for no reason. Yes, something had to be troubling her.

The only problem was, he could not open the door.

"_Sesshomaru_," she whispered.

So, she was not going away…

His mouth cringed, his frustration rose for a moment and then he sighed. "Come in," he managed to say without grinding his teeth.

Speaking was an effort.

A few moments passed before she turned the handle and opened the door. She did it extremely slowly which was almost unnerving and then finally, she came in view. She looked like she was _floating_ in her clothes. Her aqua blue long sleeves shirt and pants were way too big for her and with her skinny body and lack of hair, it was almost a ridiculous sight.

She strangely shifted her weight from one foot to another, her heart pounding louder than usual. He watched her sink her teeth in her bottom lip, nervous. She squeezed her hands into fists, hitting the side of her thighs with them.

"A-are you okay?"

Her question startled him and he found himself more stunned than he expected.

He did manage to answer. "Yes."

Unfortunately for him, he did not look the part. She noticed it too since she did not apologize for her intrusion or leave.

"I got this f-feeling."

She did not even know how to describe it to him. Maybe she was crazy. Although from the looks of it she was right. He appeared to be in a terrible shape. She never saw Sesshomaru sick before. Could he even get sick? How was someone supposed to take care of a sick youkai? Did he have supplies for that? Would it just _run_ its course?

"I am fine."

"You don't look fine."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and pressed his lips together until they turned white. The fact that he was in such a state displeased him greatly and her presence did not help the matter. Obviously, this was not technically her fault. She came out of concern. _And_ she had no control over their bond.

Even though his words were harsh, she remained in his bedroom. Uncomfortable with the ambiance and the silence, she began wriggling her toes. He wanted her to leave. She _should_ respect his wishes but she did not.

Unknowingly, she made it worse for him. Now, he not only felt her weakness but he also sensed her discomfort. She was not going away was she? There was two ways to make her go away… or perhaps three. He could ignore her, be rude to her or tell her the truth. Ignoring her did not seem to work so far and apparently she brushed off his rudeness. Humans made everything _extremely_ complicated.

"I am not the one who is sick. You are."

She squished her eyebrows together. "I f-feel fine." Except for the regular side effects of her left over cancer but she did not think he was referring to those.

"Since our bond is undeveloped, it is one way. Therefore, you have no control over it. You are involuntarily transferring your symptoms to me." And since it was a closed bond, he could not _return_ them to her.

She turned her head away from him and felt a thickness in her throat. "Oh."

Life had a twisted sense of humour. She already felt guilty enough towards him and did not need this. Also, from the way he spoke she could tell it was not the first time it happened. How come he never told her before? Surely there was something that could be done about this. Maybe they could fix it.

"I'm sorry," she said with a hitch in her voice. Her apology did not mean much but it was the best she had to offer. "Why is our bond only o-one way?"

"Mating is for youkais - _usually_. Since we never made a complete bond, I am the only you can feel it."

She could hardly stop the tiny blush that colored her cheeks when he spoke about the _complete_ bond.

"Is that the only ww-ay to make it two ways?" she barely managed to ask.

He weakly nodded.

Okay. Well. Now there was no way they could fix this problem _that_ way. It only left her with one option; she had to take care of him and make this as painless as possible. She was absolutely certain that he would mind her intrusion but she would do it anyway. It would be unfair to leave him to himself especially since he was probably not used to feeling so… weak? Human? Although, was it worst to inflict her presence upon him.

Her legs were shaky while she made her way to the bed.

"Can I help?" she asked when she reached his side.

Help? There was nothing she could do about it. Neither of them _wished _for the complete bond meaning he had to suffer through this until it was all over. She was supposed to be stronger than before meaning it should not be as bad.

"No. I hardly doubt you wish to complete this bond."

Again, a flush crept across her cheeks. She tucked her arms at the side of her body and felt a tingling of embarrassment travel through her spine. "I meant, h-help with hm, the discomfort."

Once more, he looked upon her as if he had no clue what she wished to accomplish. Did nobody ever take care of him before? "I c-could bring you water… a cold towel?"

He _was_ sticky. He was _thirsty,_ which was extremely rare for him, but… He did not need someone taking care of him, especially not her. She was the one who required help, not the other way around.

"I will be fine."

"Oh." The polite thing to do would be to respect his wishes. Although, she felt extremely bad to leave while he was in such a horrible state.

"Are you sure?"

"You may return to your bedroom."

She nodded and backed away from his bed. "You can call me if you n-need something." He would not call upon her but at least she offered. Even if he _wanted_ to ask for her help he would not; although it hardly seemed possible he was even more distant ever since he came to her brother's birthday.

He managed to raise his head and watched her as she left and closed the door behind her. His pride was slightly wounded that she found him in such a state but he expected it to happen eventually. Although it hardly mattered. He saw her in worst shapes and she did not seem to mind. Then again, they were not the same. He did take note of her offer and he respected her for generously offering to help but they both knew he would not take her up on her offer. He would look after himself as he had always done. Alone.

It was perfect that way.

Be that as it may, a cold towel against his burning, feverish forehead would not have been the worst thing in the world.

-R-

Drops of water were dripping down his neck as he stretched his head backwards to allow the cold water to slip further. It felt as though it was sizzling against his burning flesh. He welcomed it, he relished in it.

Until he realized he should not _feel_ water.

His eyes opened in a flash - which was perhaps his worst mistake. The light attacked his eyes and he was forced to close them again. _Wait_. Light? He weakly and slowly opened them only to see that it was morning. He fell asleep after Kagome's departure from his bedroom… He raised his hand to run it through his damp hair only to be stopped by a wet…towel. He picked it up from his forehead and glanced at it with a confusion look.

_Kagome_.

He had no recollection whatsoever of the night. Did he wake up? He seriously doubted that he would have called her into his room. Did she come on her own? Did something happen?

Sesshomaru clamped his hand around the towel and then threw his legs over the bed. The floor felt icy beneath his feet while he gave himself one hard push. Once he was standing up, he walked as fast as he could to the living room. He was dizzy and his vision was a bit blurry but he ignored it all. To his surprise, he found the living room empty. He tilted forward to sneak a peek in the kitchen and found the same emptiness.

Then he heard it, the faint sound of pages being turned.

He headed towards her bedroom. Once he reached her door, he knocked twice.

"Come in."

He opened the door and found her sitting on her bed with a book on her lap. She closed it shut and tilted her head to the side. "Did I wak-ke you?"

She tried not to make a sound and even stayed in bed. She thought that since he was sick his hearing might be even more sensitive than usual. Apparently she was not quiet enough.

Instead of replying with words, he raised his hand - the one that was holding the damp towel.

Her eyes appeared to widen but quickly returned to normal. "You were tossing." She fumbled with the edge of her blanket. "I couldn't ww-ake you. You were burning hot."

It was not exactly a lie but it was not exactly the truth. Their bond was _messy_. For a while, she felt her real pain… the one he was unjustly receiving. She thought her skin was fire. Once it stopped, she knew she could not let him suffer like that. It was how she found him tossing and completely drenched in sweat. She did try to wake him but when it did not work, she brought him a cold towel and left. It was all she could do without invading his privacy and personal space.

"Your help is noted. However, I am a youkai. I do not require the same care as a human. I will not require you to look after me in such situations."

She nodded.

He nodded back.

"Are you feeling better?"

"I can function sufficiently."

Truth was, he felt as though he was going to pass out but he was not going to tell her that.

Instead of continuing the awkward silence, and since he did not know how long he would be able to keep a straight stance, he closed the door of her bedroom. He leaned against it for a second before forcing himself off and walking towards the living room. Going back to his bedroom was out of the question; if she did not see him walking around she might not believe what he just told her.

He did not like her concern. Especially not when their bond was _activated_; he could _feel _it. He did not like to feel concern.

Once he reached the couch, he allowed his body to drop. He fell like a heavy weight.

Sesshomaru remembered how Kagome was when she first got to the apartment. He was convinced she would have never entered his bedroom without his permission. Although, granted she was not even able to walk back then but still. It appeared that somewhere along the way, she got comfortable around him. He supposed that could be a good thing but in his case he was not sure it was. He appreciated their relationship the way it was. He provided when she needed it and that was it. She attended some events with him and he did the same. He did it because it was the polite and respectful thing to do and she did it… because she felt like she _owed_ him something.

He did not need to know her reasons. She could do as she pleased.

As he let his arm drop to his side, he felt something brush the side of his hand. He glanced down only to notice that Kagome had left some of her sketches on the couch. There were many of them but one in particular caught his attention. She carefully took the time to darken the whole page except for one little round spot. It brightly shone white and it pulled him in. He surprisingly found himself wondering _what_ memory she drew.

He carefully picked it up and put it on the coffee table. She had talent and it would be wise for her to be more careful with her drawings.

Meanwhile Kagome was lying in her bed, fumbling with the edge of her book. She did not think Sesshomaru appreciated her intrusion. She only did it because she thought he was really sick. She was well aware that he was a very powerful youkai and all that but… the bond made him weak. What if it could truly injure him? She would be devastated if something terrible happened to him because of her. If she could fix the mess up bond, she would. Unfortunately, they both preferred it the way it was.

_Doing that_ with Sesshomaru… would probably not work. She was not very knowledgeable when it came to sex but she was pretty certain you needed emotions…or at the very least _lust_ and Sesshomaru did not have any of that.

And now she probably should stop thinking about that before her emotions surged through _him_. That would be embarrassing; he did not need to know what she was thinking about.

She tapped her fingers against the hard wooden cover of the book, pondering. Should she remain in her bedroom? The only reason why she was in there was to not wake him up… But perhaps he would prefer to be alone? Why was she over thinking this? He never minded where she was before and he probably would not mind it now.

She put her book down and dragged herself out of bed. For a while, her strength kept growing each day but nowadays it remained the same. Perhaps because she did not do enough exercises. It was not really her fault; the size of the apartment limited her options. She used her hands to fully stand up and then took little steps to the door. She quietly opened it prior to sneaking a peek. From where she stood she could see Sesshomaru sitting on the couch.

Feeling as though it was appropriate to go in the kitchen - and perhaps try to eat something - she exited the bedroom.

He never turned his head, he never looked her way.

She thought he went on as if she was not even there and decided to leave him alone. In reality, he was attempting to shield his face from her. He could feel the sweat dripping from the side of his face and if she got too close, she would notice it as well. He tried to focus his glance but it was difficult and he ended up simply closing his eyes.

Perhaps that was a mistake. He had felt better hence why he trusted himself to walk around. Suddenly, his new found energy seemed to be sucked away from him and he was now slipping into unconsciousness.

Next thing Kagome knew, she heard a _thump_. She hurried as best as possible to the living room with her eyes wide opened. Once she got there, she gasped. Already out of breath, she walked towards him. She pushed the coffee table out of the way and kneeled by his side. At first she looked to see if there was blood but she quickly realized her foolish mistake. A knock on the head probably would not cause a powerful youkai like Sesshomaru to bleed. Although…he should not be fainting either.

She gathered as much strength as she could and tried to turn him over. Unfortunately, he was too heavy and she was too weak. Instead she resigned to simply laying his head on her lap. And then… she did not know. What else could she do? There was no way she could move him; lifting his head was a struggle! She could try to wake him?

Kagome approached her lips to his ear. "Sesshomaru," she whispered.

She tried to shake him but obtained no results again. It was last night all over again.

Sighing in resignation, she leaned back against the coffee table. At least he looked peaceful plus this was the least she could do for him. Though she did not think he would be very happy that she _helped_ him again. Although this time she was not technically helping; she was a…cushion for his head.

In the midst of her thoughts, she felt him move around. She looked down and saw him as he moved his head forward and - _oh!_ Her eyes bulged, her body froze and her chest tightened. She felt his nose creep up and nest right between her legs…_and he did not even seem to notice_. His eyes remained closed. He mumbled something but she did not hear any of it; either because she was too stunned or because he was having a mouth full of her… _oh my god_.

What - what was she supposed to do?

By the time he opened his eyes, a spicy scent filled his nostrils. It took him a second and then, he backed away. His expression was stoic while he managed to sit up. However, he was barely looking at her in the eyes. Actually, he was not looking anywhere; he did not know what to do.

"My apology," he managed to say with a straight face.

She blinked. Her hands were up in the air and her face, neck and ear felt _hot_. "M-m it's o-kay." She shook her head. "I mean are you ok-ay? You passed out."

The air was thick with awkwardness.

"I am well." At least he was before passing out. Wait. He passed out when… she woke up. Perhaps _she_ was the one who sucked away all of his energy. "It would appear that the better you feel, the worse my condition gets."

"So when I do- things, you get more tired?" She looked down in guilt; here she was walking around as though she felt better and it was all to his depends. "I'm s-sorry."

"No apologies necessary."

He grabbed on to the couch and lifted himself off of the ground. The living room was still laced with the scent of her embarrassment and her _small_ arousal. They always seemed to end up in undesired situations. He was not prepared for all these emotions and he was not given much time to deal with them. They came and went so quickly.

Sesshomaru could feel Kagome watching him as he walked to his bedroom. Apparently that would be the safest place for him. He did not want to risk passing out again and finding himself in such a touchy situation. His nose was imprinted with her scent and its spiciness. No matter how he tried to twitch it or take in other scent, it was all that remained.

Obviously he could never catch a break. The best thing to do was… to sleep it off.

-R-

_Three hours and forty-four minutes later_.

Kagome made the decision to remain on the couch until Sesshomaru recovered since she was taking away all of his energy. The less movements she made, the better. She would have slept but she was not tired at all so she opted for this option. She did not want to turn the TV on because of the noise so instead she was reading a book…and watching the clock intensively.

This was a terrible unfortunate situation. The more energy she got, the less he had. And unfortunately for them she could not remain completely still.

In all honesty, it was extremely difficult to remain calm at the moment. She could still _feel_ his nose pressed up against her. She did her best not to think about it but no matter what she did it flashed through her mind. It reminded just how limited her experience with the other sex was. She did not see that decision changing for a very long time…especially if she was to stay married to Sesshomaru. Even if she were to put aside all of the problems she had with her physical appearance, she had no real urges, at least not since her cancer. Plus, Sesshomaru and her would never have that kind of relationship.

As long as he wanted her here, she was not going anywhere and she certainly would not _date_ anyone while they were married.

This worked out for the both of them; they did not want physical relationship.

While Kagome was uncomfortable sitting on the couch, Sesshomaru was tossing and turning in his bed. His body was covered in sweat but this time it was for an entirely new reason. He fell flat on his back, his mouth opened and he tilted his head back. _Then_ he woke up. His chest heaved while he rapidly sat up. For a moment he felt dizzy but once that dispersed he realized his current situation.

This… was highly…improbable. And yet, it was happening.

_Sweet, wet lips. Plump and bruised from kisses._ Images flashed through his mind.

He grabbed the edge of his blanket and lifted it off of himself. Indeed, it was as he feared; he had an erection.

_Soft, pearly skin covered in a layer of sweat. _

Those kind of things rarely happened to him. Once. Once he had one when he was a young pup. It never occurred since then. Nothing or no one ever aroused his attention in that matter before. It was a problematic situation though it could be fixed. Whatever the source of his arousal - though he assumed it was his dream that was responsible for this - it was now gone and things could go… down. If only he could remember what he dreamed about.

He tapped his fingers waiting for the damn thing to go away. It did not. Although he was not expert on the matter he knew what had to be done to get rid of it but he was not going to do that. He had more control over his body than that. He closed his eyes, a slight frustration forming within him and took a deep breath. And then another, and another.

Finally, he felt himself soften.

His hell lasted another few minutes before everything returned to normal. Once he was sure the problem was resolved, he got out of bed. _He felt much better_. He assumed the sweat that covered his body was from the dream and not _her_ sickness. He felt disgusting and he needed a shower. He headed outside of his bedroom and went straight for the bathroom. What he did not plan on was her _noticing _his exit.

She popped her out from above the couch and _stared_ at him.

Did she wait there that entire time?

"I am feeling better. You will probably feel worse soon," he warned.

She nodded.

And then he disappeared into the bathroom. The more he felt because of the bond, the more he realized how they were very opposite people. This bond would get exhausting very fast, it drew from him all the strength she did not have but… he was not sure he had to strength to be so _human_.

She watched the door until she heard the shower start and then, she sat back down. Perhaps she should go to her bed; she did not want him to have to carry her to her room later.

Although, she was convinced she could not move _right now_. A few minutes ago, she felt a _surge_. She did not even know what it was or how to explain it; she never really felt anything like that before. It was a warmth… it formed in her stomach and it spread… and her underwear was _damped_. It hit her like lightening and all she was able to do was sit there and _feel_ it. She did not know where it came from but it just sparkled from within and now she was extremely embarrassed. She thanked the Kamis that Sesshomaru did not come near her or smell it. At least… she did not think he smelled it.

She lost all physical attraction when he became sick. She did not want it back, especially not in this situation. Not that she thought she would be attracted to Sesshomaru but simply because she did not want to feel like this if an _awkward_ situation arose.

_That brought a question to her mind_; if - well - when she felt that way - did he - did he feel…._no_. Sesshomaru explained to her very clearly that he felt no sexual desire. She was convinced that not even the bond could suddenly awaken a sex drive in him. And _oh god_ she never wanted to think about that again. It was probably best if she stopped thinking and talking.

As if on cue, the shower turned off.

And she stilled - she was not sure why.

On the other side of the door, Sesshomaru was… slightly exasperated. He was angry but he did not know why and it bothered him. His strength had almost fully returned to him; the bond should have shut off by now. He should not still be experiencing so many emotions. Since the shower did not help, he gave up on it. Although he did not know what one was supposed to do to relax. In the past he steered clear of annoying situations and people. He never got _this_ worked up and he never needed to cool off.

What was he expected to do now?

Perhaps she would know though he was not entirely convinced this was a conversation he wanted to have with her, especially not after the event from earlier. Though he could not confirm she was the woman in his _dream_ he could not rule out that option either.

Despite his desire to steer clear from her, he knew he would have to leave the bathroom eventually. Once he finished drying himself off and getting dressed, he knew the moment was now.

Strangely, when he got outside, he found the living room empty. It only took him a moment to locate her; she was in the bedroom. Perhaps she did not feel well; after all, he was doing better. The right thing to do would be to check up on her; he was in a pretty bad shape earlier and he was youkai. She might require a bucket or some water. He put his towel in the laundry basket which caused him to walk near the couch. As he breathed he noticed a scent in the air; one he should not be familiar with - but was considering the events of the day.

_How peculiar_.

He barely lingered for a second before heading in direction of her bedroom. Once he got there, he softly knocked but did not speak a word.

"Come in," she managed to say.

He opened the door, not surprised by the darkness that filled the room. "Are you well? Do you require anything?"

"I'm f-ine. It's better that I'm here. In case."

He nodded.

Sesshomaru noticed her speech pattern was not the same. He was used to her hitch breathes and her pauses since her lungs were still struggling to recover but this time it felt different. He did not know how to explain it or why he noticed that.

"I will be in the living room if you require any assistance."

"Thank you."

_She felt warm_. He could tell from where he stood. He did not know why; she said she felt fine, she did not mention a fever. Unless she did not wish for him to know this small detail. If she did not want him around while she felt sick, he would not argue; it was her choice.

He wrapped his fingers around the knob, ready to close the door, when he was stopped in his tracks again. The spicy scent. It was here as well.

As he slightly turned his head to look at her, he felt her becoming even warmer. It was not a fever; she was ashamed.

He blinked once, then twice and then he closed the door without ever looking at her again. As he rested his back against the door, he felt a ping travel through his lower body, one that reminded him of how he felt when he woke up.

_This problem was…problematic._

-R-


	10. The Probity

**A/N: **You get a heart attack, you get a heart attack, everyone gets a heart attack. An update and it hasn't been a year. I wonder how long I can keep that up, aha. All I know is, I'm on a roll today aha.

Seriously though, thank you guys for the amazing reviews and support. I swear I'm doing my best.

_This was not beta. I'm_ _sorry_. I barely re-read it... because I work long hours and I'm tired.

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 10: The Probity**

_Life's purpose_.

How was she to find _her_ purpose. What did she want to do with herself? Who was she going to be?

As Kagome stared at all those pamphlets, she found herself at a loss.

She never really asked herself those questions before.

First, she got sucked into a well and five hundred years into the past. Her main focus was the jewel. She missed most of her class and though she did argue with Inuyasha about coming home to study she did not _really care_ if she passed or not. Her future was not her priority. _Then_ she got cancer and all of the sudden the future did not matter because she would not have one.

Now, _now_ she had one.

What was she supposed to do with it?

At first, she was not going to do anything. She did not want to take classes; she did not even think she had the focus for it. However, the days were long and boring. Sesshomaru was working extra hours at the bank since they were low on staff and that left her alone all day. She did her regular exercises, she tried to draw but really…nothing kept her truly busy. Especially now that she was sleeping more _regular_ hours.

Obviously she was not strong enough to have a job or every day activities.

That was why she chose to take some classes. At home. Over the internet. It was not the same and it was not a very _social_ activity but it was _something_. She would be learning, she would have homework and it would distract her from her over growing loneliness.

When Sesshomaru was around, she was not lonely…even though they rarely spoke. His presence was enough. When she was by herself in the apartment, it left her alone with her thoughts and she did not like it. Her body was recovering from the cancer…her mind had trouble catching up. Dying took her to a dark place and she did not know how to come back from it. She was weak, she was different…

Some days she tried and she did feel better. Some days she tried to keep Sesshomaru's mentality; living life as a youkai. Some days…the darkness was too strong. She would give up, she would lay around and do nothing because she had no desire to do anything. This was why she had to keep herself busy and school was perfect. It came with classes, studying and homework. Everything she needed to keep her mind occupied. Plus, it would serve her future…

_At least_ it would once she would figure out what her future was going to be.

So many options, so many hurdles…. She did not get good grades therefor…she could not get into many programs. Plus, the amount of programs were limited since all she could take was online classes.

_God_, maybe this was not worth it.

_No_, it was a good idea.

Maybe she could put all the pamphlets in a bowl and just _pick_ one. After all, if you considered her lack of desire, her lack of passion, the decision she would make would be just as random.

She decided to _let fate_ pick for her. After all, fate and destiny had pretty much planned out her entire life for her already. This would not make much of a difference. She grabbed all of the pamphlets, closed her eyes and began mixing them around. Then, she laid them flat on the table and ran her fingers across all of them until she thought one felt _right_. She opened her eyes and read the title; _Bachelor in Human Services. _Huh. _Human services professionals can make a meaningful difference in the lives of individuals and communities facing significant life challenges._ This… could fit. Of course, she would have to take a few prerequisite first but… maybe she could give it a shot?

At the same time, she heard the apartment's front door open. She did not need to turn her head to know who it was; Sesshomaru. He would greet her and then probably stay away from her. They did not really _used_ to talk but… now it was different. He was never really around. He made short conversations and kept to himself and did his own things. It was another reason why she felt more lonely than usual. It was not that surprising; she used to be quite the social creature…before everything happened of course.

"How was your day?" he politely asked, like he always did.

"Okay. Y-yours?"

"Tolerable."

She smiled; he always said that.

"Have you eaten?"

"Yeah." _No_. She was not really hungry.

He frowned slightly, as though he smelled her lie.

Sesshomaru thought it best to leave her alone but all the papers in front of her caught his attention. "School?"

"I'm t-hinking about taking a few online classes. I mean, if it's not too ex-pensive."

"I can afford it."

She shook her head. "You've done enou-gh." She had _some_ savings. If she took one class at a time until she could get a job, she should be okay. She could not take more from him, she already took almost everything.

He would not argue with her; he had no patience for it. His days were spent dealing with idiotic humans and he did not need this. Though, he had already offered to pay for this so he was unsure as to why she was refusing his help. If she did not want his help, he would not impose it but if she asked he would give it to her. Perhaps it was natural for her to want more freedom from him and he would not deny her that right. Also, it might be a very good idea. It was one of the reasons _why_ he took more shifts at work.

They were slightly busy and so he did not really lie to her but he did not need to be working as much as he was. Ever since the little incident, he did not think it was a good idea to be spending so much time around her. The bond was messy, especially since it was one way and she was in the middle of healing and the best way to deal with that was to put some distance between them which was exactly what he did. So far, it had proven successful. He had no more urge, no more weaknesses. It was better this way.

"Very well," he finally answered.

Part of her was surprise at his answer. Then again, when did he ever force anything on her? "Thank you."

He nodded and then, as per usual, disappeared into his bedroom. Kagome turned her head and watched him leave. Was it her imagination playing tricks on her or was he actually avoiding her? It would not surprise her…especially considering how much she had embarrassed herself not too long ago. Aroused! Twice! Around him! He was probably too polite to bring it up and thought it best to keep some distance between them and she could hardly blame him. Though it was not as if she meant to feel that way.

She was not even attracted to Sesshomaru! _No_ he was not bad looking but she would never see him that way. Her body was simply in a funk…it was going through a lot of changes and she was probably…well…her hormones might have been kicking back in. Whatever the reason was, she knew there was a very simple explanation behind it…though she was not going to have this discussion with him. Hence why he was avoiding her.

Yes, she definitively needed to get started on those classes. Without Sesshomaru around, her thoughts were too much. This would help. It was a _good _idea.

She sighed while she looked at the brochure; she needed to stand on her own two legs from now on.

Soon enough, she would be all alone.

-R-

"_Sesshomaru_!"

He winced. When his boss spoke that way it could only mean bad news. Too bad there was no way he could avoid it. He stood straight with his neutral face on and waited for his boss to catch up to him.

"How are you?"

"I am fine."

"How is your wife?"

"Better." Strangely, they always all asked him about Kagome. They never really cared about his life before but ever since she made an appearance in it people seemed to gossip. He would not fuel their disgusting habit.

"Will she be joining us to the celebration?"

He forgot about that. He did not even ask her…actually he himself had no desire to attend. "I am not certain," he finally replied. He had to go; it was almost mandatory and it was when their boss would distribute the bonus and he did not want to miss it. He would welcome a bit of extra cash. Although, suffering amongst those people for a few hours almost made it _not_ worth it. Kagome's presence did help last time he had to go to a social event but…he was not sure it was a great idea for her to come.

"Please do tell her she is most welcomed."

"I will." It was not a lie.

It stayed on his mind all day, up to the point when he got home. He had to go, which mean she would know about the event. It would be rather rude not to ask her to come with him, especially since she was cooped up in the house all by herself…all day long. He knew she found it boring sometimes since he could feel it. As her…_husband_ it would be the right thing to do. And though things were rather strange nowadays, her company was certainly more pleasing than his coworker's presence. He would ask.

Once he got in the apartment, he did not find her where he expected. Instead of being on the couch, watching TV or sketching away, she was at the desk, intensively staring at the laptop.

"Evening," he greeted when she did not say anything.

She jumped in surprise, clearly unaware of his presence and then backed away from the computer. "Evening. How w-was your day?"

"Fine."

He tilted his head and looked at the computer screen.

"Online classes," she clarified. "I'm d-done."

"Did it go well?"

She nodded.

She meant it when she said she did not want his help - not that he cared.

"I have a proposition for you," he said as he put his suitcase down by the door.

Kagome detached her eyes from the computer and turned her whole body so that she was facing him.

"There is an event I am forced to attend. It is for my work. Would you like to come with me?"

The question came as a shock, especially since she truly convinced herself that he did not want to be around her. He was either asking out of respect or because he preferred having her there than all the people he worked with.

"Aa-re you sure?"

"I do not mind your presence. You are free to attend if you wish."

She did not have the most pleasing experience the last time she was around his co-workers. Although it could also be a chance to show them… show them what? She was not much different from before. She barely had strength back and her hair was a mess and she was still horribly skinny. They would make the same distasteful comment as before and they would laugh at her again. The question was, would she handle it differently this time? She could not hide from the real world forever. Perhaps this could be another step in the right direction?

"I c-could go."

"Very well. I will provide you with the required attire."

She wished she could tell him not to spend on her but truth was, she had nothing to wear. The only nice dress she had was the one from the last event and she could not wear that again. Personally it did not bother her but she supposed it would look bad for his _wife_ to only own one evening gown. Therefor, she was forced to let him spend money for her.

"When i-s it?"

"Tomorrow night."

"Thank you for invit-ing me."

He nodded. "Are you hungry?"

She shook her head. This was something she could do on her own now; she no longer needed to bother him with that. If she was hungry she would make her own food. He might have noticed if he had not been avoiding her lately.

Once she answered, he did what she expected him to do. He went to the kitchen, opened his suitcase and began doing some work. As he would usually do. She closed the web browser, since she was done with her class for tonight, and then she grabbed her book before disappearing into her bedroom. She would give him the privacy and calm he required.

He was in the kitchen by himself, she was in her bedroom by herself.

This was their life.

-R-

_Sigh_.

Kagome stared at her reflection with a sad expression on her face. She _knew_ she should hurry because Sesshomaru was waiting for her on the other side of the door. Yet, the emotions were too strong for her to ignore. She stood in front of the mirror, holding up her red dress. Sesshomaru bought her two dresses - _apparently some pushy sales woman gave him a promotion. _He probably did not want to deal with the woman and bought whatever she recommended. They were both beautiful, especially the red one… but there was one problem with it; she was too skinny.

Not pretty skinny, or even strong skinny, she was just disgustingly sick skinny. The dress was flowy and went all the way to her knees. Unfortunately the top was a bustier and…she could not hold it up. It was not only her lack of breasts that was the problem but her lack of…fat…and everything else. Every time she let go, it fell to the floor, leaving her in her underwear…which was not a sight she wanted to see. And she doubted anybody else wanted to see that.

She sighed again as she let the dress fall to the ground once more. She would have to wear the other one. She stepped away from the red dress and picked up the blue one from her bed. It looked fairly similar to the other one, except this one had sleeves which were going to come in handy. She quickly slipped it on, though she remained unhappy about the final result; with this one, all the bones from her chest were sticking out. _Oh well,_ this was as good as it was going to get. She could not keep Sesshomaru waiting forever.

She ran her fingers through her short hair in an attempt to comb them and then gave up. As per usual, she wore no make up. Nothing could hide the way she looked… unless she wanted three inches of make up on her face which she did not. The best way to go was the natural way. At least she would not look like she was trying too hard.

After one last painful look in the mirror, she decided to exit her bedroom. As she expected, Sesshomaru was waiting for her by the door. He was cleanly dressed as he always was, his hair in a ponytail.

"Are you ready?" he inquired without a hint of impatience in his voice.

"Y-eah, sorry."

"No need to apologize."

He could feel how uncomfortable she was and he had not forgotten the last time they went somewhere together. He could understand the reasons behind her nervousness and he would not pressure her. To top it all off, it was not as though he was in a rush to get to the event himself. The more time they took, the better in his opinion. This would be a _long_ night.

Like the last time, Sesshomaru helped her down the stairs, though he noticed she did not lean on him as much has before. She even made it to the car all on her own. The drive was done in complete silence and they both seemed to like it that way. It almost made Kagome laugh; she used to like talking so much and now she preferred the quietness. Maybe Sesshomaru was rubbing off on her.

She felt fine until they arrived. Then, she felt a desire to flee and a rolling feeling in her stomach. Too late to back out. One thing was for sure, she was glad she did not eat before coming over or she might have thrown up. Once the car was parked, Sesshomaru walked to the other side and offered her his arm. She remained in the house all the time he was not convinced she had a lot of energy. He rather help her and save her from a potential embarrassing situation. She took his arm without any hesitation.

Obviously people stared at them - or rather _her_ - the moment they walked in. They all tried to be polite about it which was _almost_ better than last time. Still, she knew what they were really thinking behind their closed lips. The mix of a stoic Sesshomaru and a cancer recovering Kagome kept most people at bay. They did not know how to interact with either of them. It was best that way.

One person seemed totally unaffected; Sesshomaru's boss, Isamu.

"Sesshomaru!" He smiled. "I am glad you could join us. And you too Kagome."

"Thank you fo-r inviting me," Kagome said with a smile.

"You are most welcomed dear."

He extended his hand, waiting for Sesshomaru to shake it. He eventually did…very lightly.

"Oh, I know, why don't you to take a picture?"

Kagome's eyes widened. Picture?

"Yes, we're taking a picture of all the couples. For the website. People like when banks and companies have a _family_ vibe to them. Plus, it makes a great picture for the living room!"

Even though they did not agree, Isamu pushed them towards the photographer. "You just have to stay here and smile."

The photographer smiled at them. "What a beautiful couple. Come on, a little closer."

Neither of them knew how to act like a couple because… it was all new to them. Not only that but they did not even have any sort of intimacy between them. They were stiffed and uncomfortable. How did this man expect them to _act_ like they were?

"Come on! No need to be shy."

Sesshomaru _heard_ Kagome's heart as it began to beat faster. He was not too keen on this _photo_ deal either. "We are fine," he finally replied.

"I'm sure you want to be closer than that to your wife!"

It was taking too long and the photographer was talking to much; people were beginning to stare. Kagome had to admit it did look slightly strange; what couple did not want to be all lovey-dobey? Especially them considering she had just survived cancer. They were supposed to cherish every moment. Though, they should hardly be forced to act like people wanted him to act. They could be private and shy people. Nonetheless, all the stares were beginning to make her very uncomfortable and she wanted this moment to be over.

She inhaled deeply, trying to give herself courage, before leaning into Sesshomaru's chest. For a second, he seemed fazed by her actions but he quickly recovered and adjusted his stance. Finally the photographer took a picture and she had never been so relieved.

"Another one? With a kiss?"

This time, nothing stopped her from blushing. _Kissing_ Sesshomaru? This man was out of his mind. They - they did not even hold hands! They were certainly not going to kiss… in front of everyone.

"It will be enough," Sesshomaru said with a serious tone.

He did not wait for the man to reply, he simply kept his hold on Kagome and walked away. Even _if_ the relationship between him and Kagome was truthful he had no intention of putting on a show in front of his colleague. He had self-respect. He could feel everyone's stare while he walked away but he ignored them. He did not come here to be social, he came here because it was an obligation, nothing else. He was right though, having Kagome around helped. He could not help but wonder how many people would have tried to talk to him if he was alone.

Minutes passed and he stayed with Kagome at one of the table. She was picking at her food, cutting up in small chunks; she still had a hard time with chewing and swallowing. Sesshomaru did not eat though since he was busy listening. He was not one to eavesdrop but he thought everyone would mind their whole business. Apparently he was very mistaken. He did not think that people would find gossip in what happened with the photographer but they did.

_He would not even kiss his own wife._

_Would you? I mean, she doesn't like very attractive. _

_Yeah but he married her. He saw her naked before._

_Yeah before she looked like a bag of bones. I wouldn't wanna sleep with that. I would wait until she got some of weight back. _

_I don't know…when you love someone._

_Come on, she's too weak she wouldn't even handle sex._

_Yeah but that was a kiss!_

_He's a weird guy anyway._

At least this time Kagome could not hear all of the gossips. He had no idea if she was stronger than before but he did not want to risk it. Her emotions invaded his mind enough and he did not need her to be a mess again. He was not talented at the whole _cheering up _thing and he did not care much for it. This entire thing reminded him what he disliked human company. They were so petty. They always needed to bring others down to bring themselves back up. He wondered how she escaped her kind's faith.

"I know they're t-talking about us," she said while staring ahead.

He could probably hear what they were saying but she could do. However, she noticed the stares and the hushed whispers. Who else were they going to gossip about? At least their words could not hurt her and it was enough for now.

"Our lives are hardly any of their concern."

She could not agree more.

"So, Kagome, tell me, how has your recovery been? You look so much healthier than the last time we saw you!"

Obviously the people at their table wanted to chitchat; they could not gossip. They might as well try to get some _real_ information. Although she did not think anything she could say could change their minds. They already thought what they wanted to think.

"I'm better."

"Do you work?"

"N-not yet."

"Do you go to school?"

"I've started taking s-some classes."

"That's nice. It's important to get back out there. I'm sure Sesshomaru is thrilled to have you walking around and _hair_, look at all that hair!" _Right_, last time they saw her she was completely bald.

And they made such _nice_ comments about it_._

"By the way, I don't think we ever got the whole story about you two."

They probably did not get _any_ story. She could not picture Sesshomaru chatting up with his co-workers.

"How did you met?"

She frowned; they never really worked on a back story. Never thought they would really need one. Not kissing in public was one thing but not having a story about how you met could appear weird. Usually there was nothing embarrassing about that. Kagome was a terrible liar; there was no way she could come up with a believable story.

"In the forest," she tried, doing her best not to wince at her pathetic lie.

The man and woman in front of her exchanged a confused glance. Apparently her lie was not good enough.

"She means camping. We met while camping," Sesshomaru clarified.

He knew mikos were supposed to be pure and so far everything about her _was_ but could she not even _lie_?

The couple looked even more shocked than before and Kagome knew why; they did not think Sesshomaru was the type to go _camping_ and really she did not think he was either. Still, it was a better story than hers.

"Outside under the sky! That's romantic," the woman said with a smile.

"Were you sick then?"

The woman kicked her husband in the ribs. "Iko," she hushed.

"No, she was not." She was far from it; she was _too_ healthy. Annoying little human thing, running around, stealing his sword and whatnot. Heck, she was even the reason _why_ he lost his arm. Thankfully, he got that back and even obtained a more powerful sword.

"It must be tough. Thinking you're going to lose the love of your life."

This time Sesshomaru would not save her; feelings were not his strong suit. "I th-ink he knew I was gonna make it," she explained. Well, he _did_. After all, he was the one who provided her with a miracle cure. He knew she would not die and so it was not a lie.

"You two make a wonderful couple."

"Thank you."

As on cue, the music started playing. The woman beamed with joy. "If you excuse us, I would love to go dance with my husband." They quickly left and Kagome sighed in relief.

"Camping?" she then asked with a smile.

"It was more truthful." He did not care much for lies. Obviously in this case it was needed but he had no intention of going out of his way to make up lies.

"I never tho-ught about it before."

He tilted his head to the side and waited for her explanation.

"I never thought about o-our back story." She did not think either of them would be interacting much. "Where we met, how we fell in love. People tt-end to be noisy."

After speaking such long sentences, she stopped to catch her breath. Sesshomaru was not much of a talker so it did not give her a chance to practice speaking so much. She forgot how quickly she could become breathless.

"It hardly matters," he finally answered. "These are the only situations where we have to talk to people." They did not do any activities together. They did not invite friends over for dinner - which would be a hard task considering the fact that they did not _have_ any friends. They did not need to waste their time making up fake stories because there was no point.

"We can avoid it for the most part during these little events." He stared at the dancing couples. "We are not really husband and wife. Our commitments do not mean anything. All of it was done out of necessity. There is no need to create a big charade."

_How_ _romantic_. She knew nothing about them was real. Though she would argue they had some sort of friendship going on. Nonetheless, sometimes fantasies were better than nothing. It was not as though she wanted to _fantasize_ about being married to him but - she would not mind dreaming up a perfect life. Even if it was fake. After all, it was probably the closest she would ever get to having a perfect life.

"You're right," she simply added.

She rested her chin in the palm of her hand and watched the others dance.

He did not ask her to dance mostly because he knew she could not handle all that physical effort. Plus, he doubted that would give people something _else_ to gossip about since Kagome should not even be doing as well as she was.

"Sesshomaru!"

Kagome froze; she would know that voice anywhere. Aimi. That oh so nice girl who had destroyed whatever she had left of her ego. As if she needed to see her tonight…

"Oh, _Kagone_? Was it?"

"Kagome," she corrected with a smile.

Aimi shook her head and sat down beside them. "You know before you were married you barely came to any of these things. Now you're always here. It's great," she added before resting her hand just beside his.

Kagome would have laugh; did she think this would make Kagome jealous? For all Kagome cared, Aimi could have Sesshomaru. Though, Aimi did not know this whole marriage was a sham so she was simply being a disrespectful bitch.

Sesshomaru seemed unfazed by her presence as he inched his hand away. He felt the distress coming from Kagome and he knew; this was one of the women who talked about her. One of them women who made her cry. This night just _had_ to be filled with emotions. He hoped his bonus would be worth it because he had a feeling he would have a pounding headache by the end of the night.

"I enjoy having nights out with my wife."

Aimi's smile grew even bigger. "That is so sweet. You are so lucky Kagone!"

_Kagome_. But she did not correct her this time, she would not give her that pleasure.

"You guys didn't feel like dancing?"

"Kagome cannot dance at the moment."

"That's a shame! Well if you want to dance anyway, I'm available."

Some people were simply unbelievable. Aimi could see her right? She knew she was sitting _right there_. What was most unbelievable was the girl's desire to _be_ with Sesshomaru. She was certain Sesshomaru never led her own or never expressed a desire to be with her. Even now he was close to being uncomfortably rude to her and yet she kept trying.

Was she stupid or oblivious to what was happening right in front of her?

"I rather stay here with my wife and I have no interest in dancing with desperate, impolite women."

Aimi looked as though she had been burned and Kagome did her best to stifle her laugh. _Did he just tell her that_? He seemed so composed, so used to dealing with idiots that she never thought he would actually do something like that!

Aimi stuttered for a few moments, clearly in shock before somewhat recovering. "Well, I'll - I'll leave the two of you alone."

And just like that, she was gone from their table.

Once she was far enough, Kagome began laughing. "Wow."

He disliked the woman and she was imposing her presence upon him. How else was he supposed to deal with her? And after what she did to Kagome she deserved to be humiliated. These humans had no idea what a real struggle was, what strength was. They did not deserve to cast their judgements upon others.

"I guess they s-still think you married me because you pity me."

To be honest she could not blame them. If he had married her because he loved her and was afraid to lose her, he would be much more affectionate towards her. And at that thought, she was reminded of his nose… and oh that memory was certainly a bad idea especially if she considered the state she was in after it happened. She did not need to think about that while Sesshomaru was sitting right beside her.

But it was a bit too late.

He could smell it. The scent was faint but it was so distinct that he could already tell what it was.

Sesshomaru turned his head away from her and stared into the distance.

Everyone was laughing, smiling and they seemed happy - at least it was what he could feel from them. Which was strange because not too long ago he could not even tell what happiness felt like. He only could because of Kagome and her foolish emotions that kept finding their way into his mind. After mating and marrying her, he thought his life would remain mostly the same. How wrong had he been! Now that he was faced with the truth, he had to admit it; he was changing. He did not know if it would be permanent or not but he was not the same man as before.

When he made the decision to include her in his life he did not think it would be like this. However, change was something he was used to - he always had to change and adapt to the changing environments.

He never minded before because he remained the same at his core. This though, it was changing who he was. It affected his thoughts, it affected his daily life. He was not sure how he felt about it.

It could not be stop, he could not go back and undo the things he did. Things would keep on moving forward. It was already too late because he felt things he had never felt. He noticed things he should not.

And it was all because of that tiny, weak, fragile human sitting beside him.

Who knew a human could do so much damage?

-R-


	11. The Propulsion

**A/N: **Again, thank you for all the nice reviews. Alright, I'm sorry but Firangi will have to wait until tomorrow morning when I get back from my nightshift. I just don't have the energy . I'm sorry. Also, I've been writing sleep deprived lately. If anything seems weird, you see names you haven't seen before and it's all wobbly-wibbley...just roll with it.

_This was not beta. I'm_ _sorry_. I barely re-read it... because I work long hours and I'm tired.

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 11: The Propulsion**

_Nervous: (of a feeling or reaction) resulting from anxiety or anticipation._

He never experienced that before. Why should he? He never had any reason to fear anything. He never feared people or battles. He was well aware of his strength and he knew he could come out victorious if he wished. He did not fear thus he was never nervous. To top it all off, he knew being nervous made things worst not better.

And yet there he was.

Sitting in a hospital chair, feeling nervous.

He was rubbing his skin, sometimes pacing, taking quick breaths and he had a desire to flee. Of course, while he experienced all of that, she was sitting next to him, appearing completely calm. _Of course_. Because he was feeling all of her nervousness. If the solution to making the bond two ways was not so undesirable, he would do it. Learning how to feel all these new humans emotions was becoming exhausting and fast.

"Do you think they'll know s-something's up?"

This was Kagome's first real check up since Sesshomaru took her home. She avoided three of them so far but she figured she could not avoid _all of them_. After all she was their miracle patient. She was supposed to die and in one night she went from almost dead to on her way to recovery. They could not explain it - and they never could. Obviously she did not want them to check up on her since she was recovering _too well_. Nobody ever healed like her. What if - what if this kind of story made the news? She did not want any spotlight on her, her family and especially not Sesshomaru.

After a while, she decided it was even more suspicious if she _never_ came back despite their relentless phone calls. If only there was a way to make her _more sick - just for a day._ She had the brilliant idea to ask Sesshomaru about it and he confirmed her doubts; there was no way to do it. She thought he might be against this idea but he went along with it…because when it came to her personal life he had no personal opinions. As a matter of fact he lacked an opinion about most things.

Then again, he provided a sort of comfort when she needed it. Especially in public. Sesshomaru was who he was and she did not expect him to be anyone else.

"I hardly doubt these humans will think you _magically_ healed. They do not know as much as they claim. They will simply call you a…" he paused, "miracle."

_Great_.

"You are not the first person to suddenly heal."

She hoped so because she did not need this. She did not need this stress. Although, she had to admit, she was not as much of a wreck as she thought she would be. Usually her guts would be twisted, she would play with her hands and constantly bite her lips. Instead, she felt a certain aura of calmness. That was new though she was grateful. She was terrible liar and it was probably best if she was calm for this appointment.

"Mrs. Taisho?"

For a moment, she did not move.

"Mrs. Taisho?" the nurse repeated.

Taisho. _That was her_. She blushed in embarrassment before getting up from her seat. She never went out so she never got used to her new _name_. Except during Sesshomaru's little work events, people always called her Kagome.

"Does your husband want to join you?" the nurse asked while looking at Sesshomaru.

Kagome's glance shifted towards him. Being alone would make her more nervous but she knew he had no desire to be there with her. She was not going to force him to be even more uncomfortable.

"It's- okay," she finally answered for him.

And he remained where he was. There was no real reason for him to join her. He could not provide more to the conversation. Although he did notice two weeks ago what a poor liar she was. He wondered if she could pull it off on her own. At least he was the nervous one instead of her - that would help her case.

"It won't be too long," the nurse told him with a smile.

As if it mattered.

Kagome followed the nurse inside the doctor's little office.

"Just seat here, dear and he'll be right with you."

She muttered a thank you and sat down with her purse clutched in her hands. Even though she no longer had to worry about her health, she would have a dislike for hospitals forever. This was the place she learned she was going to die. It was impossible for her to forget the helplessness linked to this location. At least once this was all done and over with, she would never have to step foot in a hospital again. She had Sesshomaru to thank for that. _Though_ it did make her wonder about the future. It would protect her from diseases forever? Even in her old age? She would become old but stay healthy? What would she die of then? Being old?

Perhaps Sesshomaru would not mind if she asked him those questions? He was not there for her entertainment and to answer all the questions that went through her mind but these were kind of important. It was about her future. The one she was trying to have.

"Ah, Mrs. Taisho! How are you feeling today?"

Kagome's head snapped up and she looked at her doctor with a smile.

"I'm bet-ter."

"I'm glad to hear that!" He looked at her chart and then back up at her. "Indeed, it seems that your health has improved _a lot_ since the last time I saw you." He looked at the empty chair beside her. "Did you even manage to come here on your own?"

She rapidly shook her head. "S- My husband is o-outside."

"He can come in if you'd like."

"It's okay."

He nodded and then sat down in front of her. "As you know, I wanted you to come here to do a few scans. I know you have been doing better but I just want to make sure the cancer is really leaving - or _gone_. You left so fast after your wedding that - we never had a chance to check up on you. This is important. Some people will often feel better and think they are cure and suddenly, it comes back and its worst. I would hate for that to happen to you."

"I agree." Too bad she could already confirm that it was not coming back. Though denying his request would be rather strange. She had to go along with it. Part of her was actually hoping there was some cancer left. Nobody healed _that_ fast. It was almost silly; she was wishing that her cancer was still present.

"Follow me, then. We'll get you all set up."

The routine was quite fast and she was used to it. Even though it had been a while since she had to do so many scans, she did not forget the drill. It took an hour, which really was not that bad and before she knew it, they were back in his office. He tried to chat her up a bit more but she kept her answers short. She tried to act like she was more out of breathe than she really was. He seemed to buy it, then again he might have only done it for her sake.

Another hour went by before they obtained the results.

While he looked over her charts and her scans, she held her breath. Then, her heart raced when he glanced down and then up at her. And he did it a few times. Should she be worried or relieved?

"You _are_ better," he finally said. "There are still a few white spots but everything decreased in size. This is one of the biggest, quickest improvements I have ever seen. Especially since you stopped all the chemo! I - I am at loss." He had never seen anyone recover like that without the help of any treatment. It was as if her body had suddenly decided to fight the _cancer_ instead of itself. It was almost a miracle.

"W-white spots?" she asked clearly startled. She prayed for _some_ cancer left but she did not actually think that after all this time…

"Oh, I am certain they will go away like the rest! Nothing for you to worry about! You should be thrilled with your recovery!"

She forced a smile on her face. "I am. It's a-a miracle."

A miracle that she was _still_ sick. Was her fault? Maybe her miko powers were still out of whack or maybe they were preventing her from completely healing? No, no her body would _want_ her to heal right? It would not leave her sick. No.

"Is that i-t?" she dared to ask. At that particular moment she wanted to be anywhere but there. She wanted to go home and find the safety of her bed. She wanted to be away from the hospital and away from this scent. She never noticed it before but now it was as though she was surrounded by death. She wanted none of it.

"Yes. Though, I would like to call you soon and schedule another appointment. To keep track of everything."

"Of course. It's a go-od idea." She stood up. "Thank you, Dr."

Without giving him a second glance, she walked out of his office. Everything was blurry, everything was foggy until she arrived right in front of Sesshomaru. He peeked up at her and waited but she simply shook her head. "I'm ready."

Even speaking those words seemed to kill her and he noticed. He nodded and stood up before leading the way. She remained completely silent. He did not mind and it was not unusual for her to remain quiet but there was something _off_. He did not know if he could sense it on her or it was because he was experiencing it as well. When they sat in the car, she struggled with her seatbelt. He could see that her fingers were shaking too much for her to complete the task. Tired of waiting, he leaned forward and buckled it for her.

As he started the car, she stared right ahead and he did not ask any questions. If she wanted to share, she would.

They were almost home when she asked her first question.

"Does it ta-ke a lot of time?"

He tilted his head to the side and waited for her to clarify.

"To heal."

This was somewhat troubling. "I am not certain." It should not. Yes, she used to be on the brink of death but - was she still terribly sick? She should not be. It was not right. Her scent was very healthy. What did that doctor tell her that caused such a shift in her mood?

"There are still spots. On my s-scans." At this point, she had to bite down on her lip to hold back tears. She did not want to cry - especially not in front of Sesshomaru but the urge was almost too much to bear.

"Spots?"

"Cancer. There are still areas with c-cancer… in my body."

"It is to be expected."

His words took her by surprise. "It is?"

"You cancer had traveled everywhere. You were mere days or weeks from your death. Our bond is not very strong."

"They will go a-way?"

"Yes."

Now, she simply felt silly for having such an outburst. "Thank you." She was tired of her weaknesses, she was tired of eating _soft_ food and maintaining casual activities. The doctor's words made her think she would never have a life. The cancer had been such a poison in her life that she thought she might never get rid of it. As though it was going to stick around despite everything. It was an evil that could not be eliminated; that was how she saw it. It took everything from her. Even now, it stood in the way.

He simply nodded as he focused his eyes on the road. Such foolishness should not even be bothering her. He gave her what someone could call a _cheering_ speech after their first night out. He thought that fixed all the troubles she was having. He had been wrong. Then again, he never was an expert when it came to social interactions. Perhaps she made it look like it solved all of her problems when in reality she remained plagued by those pointless thoughts.

"The nurse gave me a pamphlet for you." He removed one of his hands from the wheel and retrieved it from his jacket's pocket. He then handed it to her.

She grabbed it with both hands and looked down at it. _Do you feel lonely? Do you feel like there is no hope? We can help_. They thought she needed to see a psychologist?

He felt the slight flare in her aura and he had expected it. Personally, he did not care about her mental state - unless of course she was dangerous to herself. She did not seem to be and she did not appear to want to share or talk. Then again, _he_ was feeling most of her emotions which was probably why she thought she was fine. She could go, she could not go. It made no difference for him.

Maybe she felt a little blue sometimes. Maybe some days, she did not want to get out of bed. It was not because she was depressed or because something was wrong with her. It was only because her body and mind were tired from all the fighting she had to do. Once she was healed, the rest would follow. "I don't n-eed it," she said before shoving it inside her purse.

There was nothing wrong with her head.

Everything that was wrong was her body's fault.

-R-

Quietness.

Sesshomaru had almost forgotten how that felt. For the first time since Kagome moved in, he was void of emotions. Nothing was nagging at him, nothing was weakening him. Instead, he found a certain peace. Even the bad drivers that surrounded him were not enough to put a damper on his mood. He had not realized how much he had needed to _let it all go_.

Before Kagome came along, he would sometimes find a secluded area in the woods and _transform_. Obviously he never took on his _full size_ form because people would notice him from afar but it felt good to drop the human disguise for a while and return to his true form. He also found out that it _cut_ the link between him and Kagome. It was ready to bet it was because they never completed it and she could not access him when he was in that state. It proved to be a much needed break. No emotions, no humans.

Obviously he was unable to stay as long as he wanted to since he could not leave her alone for too long but he welcomed the pause. Two hours was plenty. Especially since he had yet to feel all of her emotions again.

As he entered the city again, the sounds and screams filled his ears again. Yes, he was back indeed. Now that Kagome was a bit better and that he could leave her by herself for longer periods of time, he might back up his old habit again. It would help him deal with the idiots without losing his temper.

When he arrived at his apartment, everything was dark. He assumed Kagome was asleep and removed his coat. His first stop was the bathroom; after running around in mud and tress he could use a shower. He stripped and turned the _hot_ water on. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the scorching heat. As he tried to peacefully relax he heard them; soft sobs.

There was only one other person with him in the apartment. It could only be her.

He tried to keep his eyes closed but it kept bothering him. Why in the world would she be crying? He never understood the purpose of tears and he could not see what could have happened to her in the last three to four hours that could cause her such an emotional outburst. Then again, humans were very complex when it came down to their emotions. Regardless, he felt like it was none of his business. He assumed she would rather be alone during this emotional moment and he would give her that privacy.

If only she did not have to sob so loudly.

She had to know he would hear her. By now, she was accustomed to his sense of smell and hearing. Did she want him to hear her? If so, why? She knew he was not the type to bring comfort. Although…perhaps the recent past proved him wrong. Still, he only did it because her emotions affected him as well and he tried to lessen that horrible side-effect as much as possible.

He shook his head and kept on showering. Unfortunately for him, her sobbing remained as a background noise, nagging at him.

Once he was done, he wrapped a towel around his waist and headed out. Apparently the noise was worst when he was outside the bathroom. How did he not hear it when he walked in earlier?

He kept walking towards his bedroom, still ignoring her cries. While he dried himself and got changed, his annoyance only grew. He went outside of the side and deep into the woods to _relax_. This was currently ruining all of his efforts. A deep sigh rolled off his lips; he would not be able to obtain some rest until he checked up on her. Not because he was concerned for her well-being but because it was annoying him.

Sesshomaru loudly closed his dresser before heading towards her bedroom. It was only getting louder and louder. He knocked. "Kagome?"

After a moment, she replied. "I'm o-o-okay."

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes; _obviously not_. "I am coming inside," he warned.

Sesshomaru opened the door and found her sitting up in her bed, her arms wrapped around her knees as though she was a child. He walked further into the room and she hugged her legs even tighter.

"Why are you crying?" he ask as though he was asking her about the weather.

"Soo-rry I bothered you, I'm ff-fine. Really."

This time she was not struggling to speak because of her weakened lungs but because of her weak emotional state.

"You are not."

She was humiliated that he was here. She tried to keep her sobs quiet but it was completely out of her control. She never meant for him to see her like this and she never meant to disturb him. Her heart was heavy with sorrow and she did not know how to cheer herself up, how to escape this horrible gut wrenching feeling.

"It ca-ame. All at once," she tried to explain.

"What came?" He did not have time to play this question game. Why could she not simply state what the problem was?

"Th-ese feelings. I was okay," she said while tilting her head up to look at him. "Then I was f-feeling so sad and I couldn't s-top crying." Darkness swallowed her whole and she could not escape it. She was sitting down when it snuck up on her. All of the sudden loneliness, pain and fear filled the hole inside of her and she was hopeless. Everything was hopeless.

Her feelings came back suddenly. Because he cut the bond with her. And it had yet to re-establish itself. He had no realize how much of her feelings he had taken on. Not until he looked at the mess she was. It was too much for her. She spent so long without having to feel all of it that she forgot how to be strong enough to handle it all. He did not warn her prior to doing this. Though, he was not aware his transformation would cut their bond.

Human emotions annoyed him but they seemed to be breaking her into pieces.

He had seen her before when she was at her low point and she never seemed that bad. It was as though she did not even know what to do with herself. He supposed he could not leave her in such a state. They were _her_ emotion and _she_ should take care of them but - gradually? He should have told her that her emotions were being transferred to him. It was all too unexpected.

He could take them back.

Sesshomaru kneeled on her bed, his knee brushing up against her leg. When she saw him tilt forward, she held her breath; what was he doing? Her question was soon answered when he grabbed both of her hands in his. For the first time, she stopped crying. The last remaining tears slid down her cheeks and fall upon their hands. She stared at him with eyes wide open, waiting for his next move. Her throat was dry and she finally began breathing again.

He did not like to _grab_ people and enjoyed even less grabbing their hands but he felt that they probably needed a physical contact to jolt up the connection. After all, the bond was meant to be _physical_. After a few moments, he could tell nothing was happening. What else could he do? At this point they were already horribly invading each other's personal space although it was much worse for him than her. He already confused her, he might as well keep going until he fixed it.

Sesshomaru moved her hands up and rested them against his cheeks. Her hands went rigid and she fought his hold, keeping them slightly away from his skin. Fortunately for him, he was much stronger than she was and had no trouble breaking through her little resistant. He nearly smacked both of his cheeks as he rested her hands _against_ his flesh. Her watched her lips part and the blush that formed right over her nose and across her cheeks. He ignored it all. Physical contact was required or he would have avoided it.

Kagome's eyes could not open wider even if she tried. She could feel her palms becoming sweaty and there was a fluttery, empty feeling in her stomach. She had no idea what he was doing and she did not dare to ask.

Time passed but the situation did not become any less awkward - at least not for Kagome. Sesshomaru appeared to be focus which she guessed was a good thing; there was a reason why he was acting so strange and out of character. She hoped that was what it meant.

He was annoyed. Though he was pretty convinced it was because of how aggravated he was that it did not work and it had nothing to do with Kagome herself. She was _nervous_ though because he could feel the stickiness of her palms and he hated it. He took a shower mere minutes ago. Plus, he did not understand why she was reacting so strongly to their proximity. He saw her naked before. She should know by know that those things hardly held any importance to him. He was doing this so that she would stop all her non-sense and sobbing.

He came to the conclusion that it was not working, it was not enough. He never thought he would be trying this hard to get _her_ emotions back into himself. He would need to further his knowledge about this bond. Right now, he wished to take away some of her emotions but he did not want it to always be that way. He wanted to control the flow and slowly let her handle all of her emotions. All at once was too much but him always _feeling_ in her place would get aggravating. He never thought he would be in this situation.

Especially not with a human.

He dropped one of her hands but held on; he intertwined their fingers. He kept the other one against his cheek.

This time their gaze met and he never glanced away. He needed her to be more comfortable and less nervous. Perhaps _she_ was the one stopping it from kicking back in again. Although…she was no longer crying. She stopped at first when he suddenly grabbed her, and he assumed it was from shock, but she never starting shedding tears again. Could it have already worked? No, that was impossible since he felt no emotions. Unless, he was becoming so used to them that he did not realize they were there. That would be problematic.

"Will you cry again?"

She frowned. "Cry?"

_Oh_. Right she had been crying. That was the reason why he came in her room in the first place. Now that she thought about it, she was not feeling as sad anymore. Her heart was no longer being ripped in two and although she could feel the pressure, the heartbreak and the pain she had, it did not swallow her whole. She felt a bit of warmth amidst all of the coldness. It was _manageable_.

"I'm okay."

He did not know if it was a good thing or if he was screwed. Perhaps it was because he was used to carrying so many of her dark emotions. And he was not as emotional and sensitive as her; it did not affect him the same. He would still look into the whole bond thing anyway he could. This was infuriating plus he hated that he lacked so much knowledge concerning it. He always figured it would be fine when the timing would be right. After all, he always thought his mate - if he ever had one - would be a youkai and that his mating would be _complete_. Therefore he would not be having the problems he was currently facing.

Sesshomaru released both of Kagome's hands, letting them fall on the bed. She was stunned by his actions. That was it? He was going to leave and not explain any of it? She never usually pry into his business and she let him do as he pleased because it was none of her concern but - but - she was crying, she was feeling hopeless and somehow, he managed to make some of it go away. How did he do it? And why did he _touch_ her?

She told herself she should let him go without asking any question but when he got up, she was unable to resist the urge. She leaned forward and gently grabbed his arm. All she did was a tug a little. Usually, he would not even have bulged; she had no real strength per say. Problem was, he did not expect her to pull him back. Involuntarily, his body went back to his initial spot. Except, Kagome was closer that time. A lot closer.

Before either of them had a chance to realize what was about to happen, _it happened_.

Her lips on his.

His lips on hers.

It was not a passionate kiss and their lips only brushed against each other for a mere moment but - _they kissed_.

If Kagome was stunned and confused before, it was nothing compared to now.

She wanted to speak, to say something - anything but no words came to her. She could not even look into his eyes.

While she remained a frozen statue, he _moved_. He backed away from her, turned around and left. Without a word, without a glance. Once she heard the door close, she felt herself move again. How did it happen? Was it her fault? She did not mean for _that_ to happen, she was confused, she did not understand what happened. She only tried to get an answer out of him.

Did she - did they…_what_.

The moment was startling.

She kissed one person before; Inuyasha. And it was very different from _that_. It was not a kiss…it was a peck. An accidental peck. They both knew that. They did not need to explain themselves right. That was why he left. Or maybe he left because she looked too shocked. It was okay. It was not awkward. How could it be awkward. _Oh it was awkward_. It was not as though Sesshomaru could ever have feelings for her and it was not like she was going to fall for him. It was just a minor physical contact.

She inhaled deeply.

It was an accident. She understood, he understood.

Kagome forced herself to lie back down. Her eyes stayed wide open and she stared at the ceiling. Her body was still warmer than usual; it was a lot of physical contact in such a short amount of time. When exactly did they apparently get comfortable around and another? It was bound to happen since they lived in the same apartment but - Sesshomaru was not a physical person.

And why were her hands _tingly?_

In the room across from hers, Sesshomaru was pacing. He had fast reflexes and speed. He was also calculated and observant. How did he not see it coming? _How did he not stop it_? Emotions. They had to be slowing him down or affecting him somehow. Such an incident would have never occurred before. It was nothing though. They were much closer when he bit down her neck and _drank_ her poisonous blood. Their lips touched. There was nothing to it. A kiss.

He never really _kissed_ before. He was aware of the action, he knew how it happened and why but it never appealed to him. His own mother never kissed him goodnight or whatever nonsense human mothers did. Kissing was not part of his childhood or adulthood.

There was nothing to it. He did not comprehend why people _sought_ that action.

Except perhaps for the rush.

He could not explain it - though he was fairly convinced that it had something to do with the bond - but he felt a rush of heat in his chest. It was probably the reason why he kept pacing. After all, he was not worried about what took place. They both knew that neither of them meant for it to happen. Therefor he did not think she would imagine things that were not real. She knew he felt nothing physical - towards her or anybody else.

His life was much better that way. Physical contact was messy, pointless and he did without it for all of his life.

It was not about to change.

Though, he wished his mind would tell his body that.

As he began to feel more constricted in his pants, he glanced that. _Again_. The rush of heat was sending blood in all the wrong places. He did not need to feel like this, he did not want to feel like this. Kagome was not displeasing to the eye, even in her current state though she was much better before, but he never took the time and stare and appreciate her beauty. It was not something he did. Although, he could easily make the difference between someone who was beautiful and someone who was repulsive. He had his own taste and standards.

Regardless of that, he did not _desire_ her. He respected her, what she did and her sacrifices. That was as far as he would go.

Those thoughts did nothing to ease the throbbing in his pants.

It was a mere contact, nothing more. It should not get such a reaction out of him.

He finally stopped and then leaned his forehead against the nearest wall.

This was his fault.

He should have limited his contacts with her; he knew that this could happened. Instead of kicking up the bond again, he should have let it restart on its won. Yes, her sobbing was bothersome but he could have dealt with it; he went through much worse than having to listen to someone crying. She would have stopped eventually. There was probably an overflow; he might be feeling a bit of what she was feeling.

Although that would not be good.

She _was_ aroused - or something like that - around him before.

But no, Kagome was not attracted to him.

She could not be. Like him, she was a victim of her body's reactions.

After all, he hardly fit the profile. He was nothing like this brother. Kagome was a kind soul and she helped others. There was nothing to fix about Sesshomaru.

Nothing except the problem in his pants.

It was not going away. For a brief instant, he lowered one of his hands but quickly stopped himself. He would not stoop so low. He would not do that.

Instead, he removed himself from the wall and lay down on his bed.

Males had this predicament all the time. If they could deal so could he.

As he lay there, his mind a bit preoccupied, one thought came to mind.

He saved her from death but she might just kill _him_.

-R-


	12. The Profanity

**A/N:** Do you know how much I love you guys? I worked like 6 days straight - night shits. On my only day off, wednesday (well the night from wed to thursday), I did not rest (even though I had another 5 days of work coming my day). No, instead of that, I wrote 30k so that I could update all my stories on time. If that's not true love I don't know what is. :P

_The rest of the updates are going to be tomorrow morning when I get back from work. I'm already almost late for my shift._

Thank you to all who read and to all who review :)

Very much not beta-ed. And probably a whole bunch of none sense!

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 12: The Profanity**

Time did not heal all wounds.

Whoever said it clearly did not suffer enough because they would know time did not heal anything.

He was the living proof of that fact. Last night, he experienced a rather uncomfortable awkward situation that left him in a _hard_ place. He thought time, and perhaps some rest, would fix the situation.

It was six in the morning, he was laying shirtless, wearing nothing more than blank comfortable pyjama pants, stuck under his blue comforter. And he was _wide_ awake; just as he had been the entire night. He gave it time and he got nothing in return. Instead, he was stuck in the same situation and the problem did not seem to be going away anytime soon. He could not move, he could not _breathe_. The simple action of _shifting_ against his ivory white bedding sheets was enough to torture him.

The feelings it arose within him were foreign and he did not know how to deal with them because he never experienced them before. He could not even describe them; instead, he was left frustrated. He was unfortunately stuck in his bed all day. He would not go out there in that situation and he certainly had no desire to face Kagome in his current predicament. There was no way to explain the situation to her and he did not want to explain it.

However, that meant he was _stuck_ here without help. He knew of _one_ way to get rid of his problem but he did not want to do it that way. He heard of the cold shower trick before but that might lead to him running into Kagome and considering his luck lately it was probably going to happen. Except for that, he did not know the other ways to get rid of it. The internet might help but his laptop was in the other room. Again, he would not risk it.

Instead, he would have to lay in pain.

Pain was the right word. That was one emotion he knew he did not get from her. He experienced pain before. This was taking it to a whole new level though. He was convinced it did not hurt that much when his half-brother cut off his arm. He was re-discovering pain.

_And that clock was the bane of his existence._

The one in the kitchen that kept _ticking_ away. It was almost in sync with the pulse throbbing in his lower regions, reminding him of his ordeal.

He repetitively tapped his big toe against his squishy mattress, waiting for it to be over. How long would he have to spend like this? At least he did not have to work but he would have to _tomorrow_. What if it did not go away by then? _This was insane_. He managed to get rid of it once, without really having to do anything, why could he not do it again?

He heard thoughts could create that kind of conversation but he did not have any thoughts - at least not that kind of thoughts. He was not responsible for this. He seriously doubted Kagome was the source of the problem either. Yes, he experienced many of her emotions but he knew she was not experiencing that emotion. It was the bond. The stupid bond. He really had to do his research - a better one than he did prior to mating her. He apparently was not as knowledgeable as he thought. Every now and then, a new problem arose and it was slightly annoying.

Sesshomaru turned his head and stared at his black alarm clock. It flashed _6:02_. Two minutes. That was it? It felt like an eternity since the last time he checked the time. This was agony. A sigh rolled off his lips before he decided to grab his comforter and toss it aside. He hissed as he sat up, his toes grazing the wooden planks of the floor. He gave himself a push and stood on his feet. The entire time, the cotton fabric of his pants was rubbing against his erection, bringing him into another world of anguish.

He managed to get himself near the door and then leaned in against it, putting his ear to the door. His senses were a bit fazed because of his plight and he was trying to feel where she was but he could not pinpoint her. He hoped that his ears would be a bit better and more reliable. There was not a sound. _She always made sounds - even her breathing was loud_. Sometimes her heart beat out of sync…mostly because she would exhaust herself and then be completely out of breath.

He waited and waited, the urge growing, the discomfort become almost unbearable. And then it happened; he heard her shift. He heard her blankets crinkle and fold beneath her weight as she turned in her bed; she was still asleep. Perhaps there was enough time?

No. Every time a situation like this arose, she caught him red-handed. He would like to avoid it this time… but. But it was not going away. The cold shower had to be the solution. Even his currently deranged body would be forced to obey the coldness and his painful hours long erection would cease. At least, it was what he kept telling himself so that he would go through with this.

Sesshomaru wrapped his fingers around the handle and slowly turned it. He peeked outside to make sure she truly was not there and then took his first step outside of the bedroom. The wooden floor felt cold against the naked heated flesh of his feet. He made sure to walk slowly as to not make the floor creak and attract attention to himself. Once more, all of his steps reminded him of the painful problem throbbing in his pants. It was agony. He was _almost_ relieved when he reached the bathroom door. Since he was taking a risk and coming outside of his bedroom he thought he should use the most obvious solution; a cold shower.

He hurried inside of the bathroom and then locked the door behind him. He was almost pathetic; sneaking around in his own apartment. If only he was not stuck in such an unspeakable situation, he would not have to do this. Despite the way his life turned out, he still had some of his pride left and he wanted to keep it that way. She did not need to show how pathetically he could be affected.

His clothes were a challenge. Once he pulled his pants down and over his erection, he had to pinch his lips, especially when his penis bobbed back up. Sesshomaru hurried to the shower, grabbing the blue shower curtains with one hand and turning on the cold water with the other. He then leaned his head against the blue and white tiles and waited for the water to work its magic.

And he waited, and waited.

But nothing ever happened.

Instead, he was soaking wet, in the shower, with a painful erection.

He was convinced that those things were not supposed to last that long.

After spending so much time stuck in that situation, his rage slipped him for the very first time and before he knew it, he was punching the shower wall. And he did it until the tiles cracked under the pressure. It was not until the sound echoed through his mind that he realized what he was doing. He lowered his fist - before he did any real damage - and took a deep breath.

Sesshomaru never experienced desperation before and he found himself in worst situation than this in the past. He lost his arm and yet he kept going as though it hardly made a difference. Yes, he tried to fix it but it was not a relentless search. He even lost his lands, his status and became nothing more than a regular banker. He always kept his head high and pulled through. But this - this was almost torture. And the worst part was that the solutions to his problem were more atrocious than the problem itself.

He opened his eyes, ignoring the water prickling at them, and stared at his lower regions. His organ that was usually lifeless was engorged with blood. Would he truly have to try _that_? No. He wanted to think there was another way, another solution to dealing with this and yet he felt like their bond wanted to be cruel. Of course, the bond was doing this to him because it _wanted_ to be completed. Obviously he would not get out of this without _physical_ contact. He would not have physical contact with Kagome - or anybody else.

He did not want to stoop so low either but… but he could not remain like this. He tried to wait it out, he tried to cold shower - it was almost his only option.

Annoyance was obvious in his face as he lowered his head even more, his silver hair draping around his head. He dared to raise his hand a little and then grabbed his erection. As soon as his hand made contact with it, he hissed. The feeling - it was almost overwhelming. He could not begin to describe it. Although he never did that before, the basics were fairly easy to grasp. He slowly began moving his hand up and down. He was both displeased with his own actions and yet glad that he was finally obtained some kind of relief. The pain of having such an erection for so long had begun to nag at him and he could not wait to get rid of it.

He ended up closing his eyes, not wanting to witness the shameful act he was performing. He kept going at a steady pace until finally, he came undone. The feeling surged inside of him like a warmth and tingle that traveled through his entire body until he felt himself stiffened. Then, release came. It hit the wall and his hand fell to his side. For the first time in hours, his penis went soft and he felt himself relax. He was drawing breaths quicker than usual until his breathing came back to normal a few instants later.

Sesshomaru twisted the shower head around, cleaned off the wall and then turned the water off. He stepped out of the shower, water dripping upon the blue shower mat and he reached out for a towel. He wrapped the burgundy fabric around his waist and stepped in front of the mirror. He could barely look at himself. Shame was obvious in his eyes as he proceeded to washing his hands in the sink. Once that was done, he approached the door and listened in for any noises. For a while, when he was in the shower taking care of his problems, he shut out all the sounds, all the scents. Now that he was back in focus, he had to be careful. She could have heard him punch the wall.

Although she would not ask about it, thankfully.

Once he made sure it was quiet, he opened the door. He walked to his room, a little faster this time, and then quickly retrieved the safety of his own bedroom. He laid on his bed, wearing nothing more than the towel, and closed his eyes. The night took its toll on him and despite the fact that he was a youkai, he was _exhausted_. He closed his eyes and instantaneously fell asleep.

While he finally found solace, someone else in the apartment was wide awake.

Kagome laid in her bed, her fingers clutching the salmon colored sheets. Her eyes were wide opened, trinkets of sweat were dripping down the side of her neck and she could feel her white shirt clinging to her skin. She desperately ran her tongue over her dry lips repetitively but it did not help. She could not even remember the last time her heart was beating as fast as it currently was. All she could hear was her own heartbeat echoing in her head.

She felt as though she had been caught. And she had sort of had been.

An urge kept her awake most of the time and forced her to remain locked up in her own bedroom. After all the awkward situations that happened between her and Sesshomaru, she refused to make it any weirder. She especially did not want him to smell what kind of situation she was in. She could not even explain how it began. She had been asleep - or uncomfortably asleep - trying to forget the strange kiss Sesshomaru and her shared when an urge woke her in the middle of the night. At first, she dismissed it as the result of the kiss and a dream she could probably not remember.

She was proven wrong.

No matter how hard she tried to fall back asleep, she was unable to find rest.

It left her wondering what to do. Alright, she was a virgin but she _knew_ what most people did in that situation. Both options were out of the question. She would not have sex with anyone, especially not Sesshomaru and she could not do _that_. Thinking about it made her blush. After all, even if she considered it, she would most likely make _some_ sounds and then - well Sesshomaru would hear her and that thought alone mortified her.

And so, she was stuck.

For hours. And hours.

Until eventually, she felt ready to give in. The urge bothered her, drove her insane and her body felt hot. She could not stay like this. And what if Sesshomaru thought something might be wrong, what if he came _near_ the door? He would smell it! She could not stay like that! She could never live it down if he found out. It would be way too embarrassing.

And so, Kagome did the only thing she could think of doing, no matter how much it made her blush.

She moved her hand down until she reached the hem of her pink pyjamas pants. She dared a hand inside, feeling the soft fabric of her underwear. There, as her fingertips were lingering right above her naked flesh she heard _it_. Someone punching the wall next to her. She never jumped that high before. She snatched away her hand and her heart raced. She believed Sesshomaru to be asleep, not in the shower. She did not even hear him walk around! Her entire face was red and she did not dare to touch herself again.

Kagome's heard stopped completely and she waited. He did not hear her did he? He did not smell her right? At that moment, she did not even dared to breathe. Instead, she waited in the darkness. It would have been fine, she would have probably gone undetected by him if it was not for the fact that her urge suddenly grew. Out of the blue, she felt the built up of warmth in her lower regions rise to a new high. Her fingers were constricted and she tried not to touch herself. She tried but she lost somewhat.

At some point in her daze of pleasure, she rubbed herself through her clothes, through her underwear. It did relieved some of the pressure and then - and then - she felt it. The dam broke and she reached her peak with a silent gasp. She dug her teeth so hard in her bottom lip that she bled. Unable to believe what happened she laid there.

And that was how she found herself clutching her sheets, her panties completely soaked and her lungs on fire.

Humiliated did not even begin to describe how she felt. There was no way she had so little control over her own body that she _came_ without even actually doing anything. She did not even think she had an orgasm before! How could she have one without touching herself! This was insane! How could she get these overwhelming urges? She was not a teenager. She had no one who fancied her interest. There was no reason why she felt that way all of the sudden without a warning.

It was even more insane that _Sesshomaru_ popped into her mind. At a time like this!

Oh god, hopefully he did not know what she did. He probably already had a horrible opinion of her because of what happened a few times - her surprising arousal. She did not need him to think she was pleasuring herself in her bed at night. There was nothing shameful about it but - but…it felt inappropriate. Oh god. Though, she had to be slightly amused by the situation; a married woman was humiliated because she had an orgasm. That was a bit ironic.

Oh god.

No, no not ironic.

She wanted to crawl into a corner and never come out. He would know, he would know and there was nothing she could do about it. If he did not smell it on her, he would smell it on her clothes or her sheets when she would wash them. Oh god, her sheets! Everything was probably tainted with the scent of what happened. Maybe she had time to take a shower? Maybe he was locked up in his bedroom after his?

She prayed he was. Kagome discarded her comforter by tossing it on the ground and then made a dash for the bathroom. She was nearly out of the breath when she slammed the door closed with her back. Perhaps slamming the door was not the smartest thing she ever did, but she was in a panic. Also, she could not remember the last time she _ran_. She took quick breaths as she hurried to turn on the water. She stripped of her clothes and rapidly tossed them in the washing machine. She would add her sheets after her shower. That way all evidences would be washed away.

Kagome's heart was beating fast as she stepped into the shower.

She turned on the shower and sighed.

As she took a step forward she felt her feet nearly slide. _It was sticky_. She removed her foot and saw something white was there. Wow, she never thought _Sesshomaru_ would be messy and actually leave shampoo staining his bath tube. At the same time, when she raised her head, she noticed the broken tiles.

Whatever made him angry enough to punch the wall and be messy must have been serious.

Why could make Sesshomaru almost reckless?

-R-

The light from the sun was dipping into the apartment as the sunset was near. The beige curtains of the window were flowing freely with the wind. The apartment was completely quiet and the kitchen and living room were engulfed in darkness. There was not a sound. There had not been a sound all day. Kagome remained locked in her bedroom, except for when she did her laundry and Sesshomaru did the same.

Especially since he _heard_ her shower. He knew she noticed the tiles; how could she not? He smashed them. She _might_ ask. She might not. He almost wanted to have an explanation ready but really his mind could not even bother to make up a believable one. None of it made sense, none of it was right. He did manage to make a phone call during the day. It was not to his favorite person in the world but it was the only person who could give him an answer. He might only obtain a cryptic answer but it was better than what he had now.

This needed to stop. And soon.

He already had to do one shameful thing he was not proud of and he did not want to do that again. The only way to prevent it was to do something about the bond. Before he lost his mind.

It was already becoming too much. He could find himself with an erection at any moment. After all, the only thing that happened was a mere kiss. It was not even a real kiss. He was certain that her kiss with his half-brother was more of a kiss than that. Their lips barely touched and yet he had such an intense reaction. It could not be tolerated. What if he became even more sensitive to her touch? No. No. Because one day what he did in the shower…might not be enough. Especially if their bond was craving physicality.

It had to be stopped now.

When he suggested the mating to save her, he did not think the cost would be that great. This was costing him his own sanity and he did not approved. Even if he managed to fix it, he lost himself and there were things he would never get back. He did not want it to go any further. This was it.

He could live with what he did. He could not live with himself if he let all control slip.

Also, it clouded his rational thinking. Usually, he would wonder why she did not leave her room today. Was she sick? After all, he might have taken away some of her pain and feelings but…perhaps some of it returned? Since their bond was out of whack, he did not want her completely sick in her bedroom. He would _not_ try to activate their bond again - because that worked out so terribly the last time - but he would bring her towel or a bucket or whatever else she needed. He was not a monster, he would not let her suffer all alone without anything.

He meant it when he said he would look after her.

The current problems that arose would not change that.

He was a man of his words.

Although, he had to admit, he was almost reluctant to go near her. Lately, that only brought trouble.

Sesshomaru turned his head to look at his clock; he still had half an hour before he had to meet his _friend_. He could not possibly leave without making sure she was alright. What if she got really ill while he was gone? It would not be good. He convinced himself it was the right thing to do and rose to his feet. This time, he was not being as quiet as last time as he headed down the hall and towards her bedroom. At first, he pressed his ear to the door; no sound. Hopefully she was not asleep.

He knocked twice.

"Yes?" a shaking voice replied.

"May I come in?"

Oh. Oh. She could not reply. What was she supposed to say? No, don't come in? He might find it suspicious. But, but she could not let him in…

He frowned. Why was she not replying? He turned the handle, wondering if something happened to her.

When she realized he was coming in anyway, she knew she was doomed. "Yes." Her voice was shaking even more.

As Kagome watched him come in she was mortified. She tried to hide her face with her blankets but she knew it would do nothing to hide the smell in her room. With any luck, the only scent he would detect would be that of her freshly washed sheets…

But it was not.

Before Sesshomaru even reached her bed he stopped dead in his tracks. He smelled _that_ scent before but it was never anything like this. This was strong and - intense and - _oh_. There was only one explanation as to why her scent was this strong. And it made the whole situation very weird. Almost as if she was experiencing what he was feeling.

"I don't kn-ow why," she poorly explained. He knew, and she could no longer pretend like he did not. Sesshomaru was a rational person who did not do that sort of things. Perhaps if she explained it to him he would understand. It was not as though she was doing this on purpose.

"It just happens." That was even worst explanation. "Out of th-e blue."

Sesshomaru blinked as he watched her struggle to both hide herself and explain herself at the same time. In any other situation he would not have made any sense of her babbling but this time he knew exactly what she was talking about. Because he was inflicted with the same thing. For a while he thought it started with her and that she was the reason behind it and that along with the bond craving physical contact, it became too much. Apparently he was wrong. All of it was the bond's doing and she was just as much of a victim as he was.

He could walk away and not explained it to her but he could tell she was just as annoyed by the situation as he was.

It was neither of their fault and she deserved an explanation.

Although this time he would keep some distance between the two of them - he had no desire to experience a repeat of what happened the last time.

He approached her and stopped once he reached the edge of her bed; this was as far as he would go.

Kagome watched him, holding her breath. Why was he not saying anything? And worst of all, why was he coming _closer_? She was mortified and only wanted to be left alone with her shame.

"It is caused by the bond."

She frowned, confused. "What?"

"What you are _experiencing_ is caused by our bond."

The bond was making her… horny? That hardly made any sense. Although, he proved to her that she knew very little about the whole mating thing more than once. At least it would explain a lot of things and it would make a few situations a whole lot less awkward.

"How?"

"As I have mentioned, our bond is not quite completed. It requires a physical action. The bond seems to grow with you. The stronger you get, the stronger it wants to be. It wishes for us to complete it."

_Oh. OH!_

Evidently, her face _could_ get become a darker shade of red. The bond was triggering their hormones, their emotions so that they would want to — do _it_? Clearly their bond was not very smart or it would realize that there were not two people less compatible than Sesshomaru and her. Not only that but they were never do _that_. At least not with each other. And in case probably never with nobody.

"I-is it gonna s-stop?" This time her stutter was caused mostly by her embarrassment. It was a good thing one of them knew how to be stoic.

"I do not believe so." Unless they could find a way which he was going to try to do in a bit but bonds were - a link between people. Plus, they had to be careful; what if they messed with it too much? She was not completely healed and it could have a terrible outcome.

Although, he had to find some relief from this insane situation.

"Does it have to be _that_?" She looked away. "I mean could w-e do something else? Fo-r now?"

There was something she was slowly realizing, even though she would never dare to ask him about it; Sesshomaru was probably afflicted by this as well. How else would he know the answer so quickly? And it might explain a lot of things… _like the broken tiles_. If this was uncomfortable for her, she could not even _imagine_ what it was like for him. Did he not mention never desiring to do this with anyone? These were probably not urges he was used to dealing with - and he had to now… because of her.

She had to help him find a solution.

"What do you have in mind?"

Her knowledge of the bond was worst than his but she proved that she could be logical; he respected her ideas and opinions.

"It wants to be com-pleted. It wants phy-sical contact." _God, _who knew these words could be so hard to get out. She felt like a high school girl. "Maybe if we could give it some cont-act, it would help. Until we can find a solution."

"What kind of contact?"

Why did he have to be so quick to answer? She needed time to recover from her distress. It was difficult having that kind of conversation with someone like Sesshomaru.

"Basics," she offered. "Holding hands?"

That was something even Sesshomaru could tolerate. They did that a few times though it was very brief. And there was time where she _swore_ it felt like he tried to grab her hand. He had to be okay with this. Plus, it might help the both of them. Although she wondered how they were going to set up _hand holding_ sessions.

Her theory was valid. And even if they did not find a solution perhaps it would give them some extra time. Once she was fully healed he would be more willing to experiment with solutions, if they were any. Unless his friend could give him a magic solution, they would have to use her idea. He was not disgusted with the idea of holding her hand. It happened before. He _would_ ignore the time where he almost felt compelled to _touch_ her though. He could deal with that. He much preferred holding her hand to what happened in the shower earlier.

"Agreed."

Wait. That was it? It was _that_ easy? He did not even seem to be bothered by it! Was he not uncomfortable? Hand holding…that did not remind him of the little incident that happened earlier? Though she assumed they were simply not going to speak about the kiss. He did remember though; it was obvious with the way he was putting distance between them. He did know he would have to get a lot closer than that if he wanted them to hold hands, right?

"Okay." Uncomfortable, she shifted. "How - how do we do it?"

Clearly when the build up was too much, it got to drastic actions. Perhaps it would be best to ease their bond a little each day and that way there would be no repeat of previous situations. Sesshomaru decided it was the best course of actions and so he got a little closer and sat down on her bed. Closer but not too close. Considering what happened and the scent in the air, precautions had to be taken.

His body could not be trusted because of the bond.

Since she made no intention of moving, he reached out for her hand and intertwined their fingers. He had no problem doing what had to be done. Even though the room was dark he could easily see the blush on her cheeks. She was easily shamed. Why did it cause her to have such a reaction? She knew he had no feelings for her and she had no feelings for him. This was a way to fix their situation and nothing more.

Silence, pure silence.

Did he not know it made it worse?

Still, she could hardly see herself starting up a conversation at the moment. She could feel her hand being warm and sweaty and she cringed; hopefully she would not make this worse for him.

Although, she had to admit, Sesshomaru had a way of surprising her at every turn. He disliked humans but he saved her and he showed concern for her - even though he was doing it out of an obligation. He went out of his way to make her comfortable, or at least most of the time. He gave her a few speeches that truly made her feel better when she thought she hit her lowest point. And he _touched_ her. Sesshomaru did not look like the kind of person that was comfortable when being touched. After all, he never even had sex. He liked his personal space. Yet, he did not even hesitate; he took her hand. He often was close to her. He kissed her and - and did not look disgusted.

Most of the time, he was cold and stoic.

Other times, she could see glimpse of the real him.

It was not much different from his regular personality, only little nuance.

It did make her enjoy his company though.

Even now, it should be very uncomfortable but, the more time passed, the better she felt. He normalized their situation.

Living here with him, being in this situation it made life different. He understood her and her past. There was no lying, there was no pretending. Everything around him was truth. He would never lie to her. He changed her life.

He also expected her to move on once she would be better. Even though she said she would not because she _had_ to repay him.

But, as she sat there, her hand in his, she realized there might be another reason why she would not leave.

She was making a new life for herself and she was creating it around Sesshomaru.

Kagome included him in her new life.

He was her pillar.

-R-


	13. The Proffering

A/N: I don't really have an excuse for the delay. Life, man. It sneaks up on ya and before you know it, months went by. I'm sorry though.

Not beta and I barely re-read it. I'm trying to catch up on all the lateness I've accumulated. T.T

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 13: The Proffering**

"So, do you have any plans? _I mean_ for _after_ your wife's recovery."

Sesshomaru held in a sigh of annoyance as he kept his back turned to the annoying lady - whatever her name was - that worked next to him. When he first began working at the bank, she would talk to him. Then, after he clearly ignored her, she seemed to move on. Apparently his recent wedding brought back her _stubbornness_. Unfortunately for her, his mating to Kagome inflicted him with too many human emotions and he had even _less_ patience than before. It took all of his self-control not to tell her to _shut it_.

"No," he coldly answered.

Behind him, the girl was exasperated. She gave up on him because she thought he either had no interest in girls or he was one those… asexual. Then some girl came out of nowhere and snatched him away! If she had known she would have never gave up on him! It was obvious he would have eventually fell for her! Nonetheless, now her plans were back in action. Any man could be strayed away from his wife. Especially _him_. Like all the other girls she strongly believed he married his wife because she was dying. He probably did not want to be stuck with her forever.

If they did not make any plans, like a romantic get-a-way, it had to mean… it was not going great?

"Really? That's so weird. I would have thought you'd want to spend lot of time with her now that… you know she has time."

He fisted his hands before grabbing his files and rapidly turning around, shocking her. "I have no time for _gossip_."

Sesshomaru was well aware of what she was trying to do but she would not obtained a reaction out of him. Even with his slipping control, he rather she did not get what she wanted. Plus, she was not worth his time. How could she even think she was worthy of _him_?

He marched all the way to his cubicle and loudly dropped the files on his desk as he arrived. Once he sat down in his chair, he leaned back. He was not getting any peace of him at his apartment and now it was the same at work. If he did not find a way to clear his cluttered mind, he might have to snap one of those useless human's neck to get the pressure down.

There were too many foreign invasions in his life and he despised it. Kagome, though it was not her fault, was constantly by his side. There was always touching. It was not exactly his favourite pastime. It was a necessity but one he very reluctantly did every time. It began with touches and now there were kisses. _And emotions_, many strange emotions swirling inside of him. The more contact he had with Kagome, the harder they were to deal with - it was _impossible_. He was only grateful that he had yet to use _disgraceful_ methods again to take care of his…overload of problems.

Although, at this point he would not be very surprised if he had to resort to that shameful act again. His body was not quite acting as it should and Sesshomaru knew he now had to be ready for _everything_.

He ran his fingers through his hair before tilting his head to the left to look at the clock. He still had five minutes to go before he was free. Although at this point the word freedom had lost its meaning. He was well aware that the situation was also difficult for Kagome but she had alone time at home while he was working. He assumed that was helpful.

He watched the clock, the seconds ticking away until finally _it _was time.

Sesshomaru put away his files, grabbed his leather suitcase and left as quickly as he could. He wanted to make sure he would avoid another questioning from that annoying lady. Four years working with her and he still could not remember her name. It was how unimportant she was - despite what she thought. The only thoughts she occupied in his mind were those of annoyance.

Rapidly, he was sitting in his car and for the first time it was _quiet_ in his head. Nobody was speaking, no background noise, no annoying presence. It was him and silence. Perhaps the ride home could be his salvation. He waited a few minutes before starting his car, clearing his mind before Kagome's emotions filled it, and then, he was on his way home.

He did not put any music, he enjoyed the quietness right up to the moment where he pulled into his parking spot. His steps were slow as he made it to the door and he inhaled deeply before opening it.

Inside, he found the same thing as always; Kagome sitting on the couch, reading some book for her online classes.

As soon as she heard his footsteps, she raised her head and offered him a smile. "How was your d-day?"

"Annoying," he said as he carefully put away his suitcase. Usually he offered a basic answer that would lead to no more question but he had no patience to put up a front today.

Still, it seemed she understood his frustration since she did not ask anything else.

"How was yours?"

She raised her book. "Homework all day." School was harder than she remembered, even for online classes. Granted, she did not attend much school before she got sick. Perhaps it was why she had to work so hard simply to keep up. It was using up all of her mental energy and she often found herself exhausted. Going through the day with her cancer still present was already exhausting. But she would not complain because _she was alive_. And Kami knew the situation was already awkward enough between Sesshomaru and her.

Kagome tried her best to act as always but - it was more and more difficult each day. She appreciated it and he made it as _normal_ as possible but…

How was she supposed to talk to him, look him in the eyes when mere moments ago they were holding hands and _kissing_. Although, there had not been any kissing. Not since that _one time_ before they knew their bond wanted them to well… _bond_. At the thought of it, her cheeks flustered. She still prayed they would find a way to fix all of it before it was too _intense_.

At Kagome's unexpected _change_ in scent, Sesshomaru turned his head to look at her. And when she noticed, she only blushed more and looked away. He knew she was dealing with this as badly as he was. And neither of them really spoke about it - not that there was much to talk about.

He joined her on the couch, leaving a bit of space between them. His arrival home was always the hardest. They spent many hours apart during the day and sometimes they were victims of a surge of emotions when they _reunited_. They were used to it now but they still followed a certain routine. Also, he noticed she never made the first move. Most likely because she did not want to impose and that was partly his fault. He never let her on just _how much_ it affected him. Perhaps she thought it was much worst for her than for him.

Sesshomaru grabbed her hand in his and then focused back on the television. Her hand was moist against his skin but he ignored it. He always pretended he did not hear her heartbeat pick up. He found that she relaxed much quicker when he pretended not to notice all those little things. Her body remained stiff beside his which caused him to remain stiff as well. The more time passed, the more her emotions were affecting him; she was getting stronger. And she was also recovering her health physically. He noticed it by the way her skin was pinker than before or the glow in her eyes. _Or the way her body was changing._ She was so skinny before that it was hard to pretend he did not see her fleshing out. If he remembered well, she had a lot of _curves_. He forgot about it. But now, she was slowly gaining weight. She was nowhere near what she used to be but he could tell the difference.

Meanwhile, Kagome was staring at his hand from the corner of her eyes. His fingers were long and slender. She remembered when you could always see his claws. They looked more dangerous back then. Although he managed to be imposing just fine without _weapons_ attached to his digits. Silence was the part she hated the most about those moments. It made her mind run wild. They were too many emotions inside of her and she had to keep them bottled up.

If she were to be perfectly honest, she would have to admit that the hand holding thing was not working as much as it used to. In the beginning, it would calm down that _urge_ to be close to him. Especially since they devoted a lot of time to it. But now? It was as though she became accustomed to it and her body (or rather _the bond_) was waiting for the next step. She would never ask, she would never go there but… the feeling was present. She almost had chills at the thought of the next step; touching? Kissing? The terrifying thing was… it would never be enough.

No, they had to stick to hand holding as long as possible.

"Have you eaten?"

The sound of his voice shook her out of her thoughts.

"No," she sheepishly admitted. She knew she was supposed to it but her stomach did not know _when_ it was hungry anymore and sometimes she got so caught up in her things that she would forget.

"I will make you dinner." Once their little seance would be over - of course. He did not eat and sometimes it slipped his mind that it might be difficult for her to cook and he would forget to prepare something.

"I can do it." Basic things. Mostly because she was a terrible cook.

"Nonsense," was his only reply.

Perhaps he would need to add _eating_ to his routine. If he ate, she would eat as well. And recover faster.

Which would bring about many more problems for them but nonetheless, her recovery was the priority. It was the reason _why_ he was doing all of this, the reason why he found himself in such a situation.

Moments of silence went by before finally, he released her hand to go to the kitchen. She let her arm fall down to the couch and kept her eyes staring straight ahead. She tried to ignore the fact that she found his skin smooth. Of course it was smooth; he was Sesshomaru. Everything about him was meant to be flawless - except maybe his old personality. Not a hair out of place, not a pimple - not anything wrong. Meanwhile she was a mess. She was always a mess.

She did not even know what to do with her growing hair. It was fuzzy and broken and it kept falling out because it was not healthy enough. She thought about just shaving it again but…there was no point, it re-grow fairly rapidly and it fell apart fast too. She would just let her body do its thing. After all, it was what it had been doing this whole time anyways.

"Is soup an appropriate meal?"

"Yes, thank you."

Whatever he wanted to make, she would say it was fine. Plus, she still had a hard time with _real_ food.

She patiently waited while he chopped and boiled to make her meal. Once she heard him get a bowl, she got up and joined him in the kitchen. Since she could more easily get around now, she preferred to have her meal in the proper room instead of on the couch or in her bed like a sick person. It made her feel normal.

As soon as she sat down, he set the bowl of soup in front of her and she began eating. What she did not expect was when he served _himself_ a bowl and joined her. She tried not to look or stare but she was convinced he noticed her surprise. Nonetheless, neither of them said anything. They ate in silence and she had to admit _it was nice_. When they not have to _touch_, it felt quite normal to be around him.

"Sorry you had a crappy day," she finally said. She knew he despised useless chitchat but she wanted to say it.

"You are not responsible for your race's stupidity."

She chuckled. Only he would put it that way. "Girls at your work-k place?"

He nodded as he took another sip of his soup.

_She did not like those girls_. He did not even need to share what happened with her; she already had a clear idea.

Once they finished eating, Sesshomaru cleared the table and they returned to the couch. Like clockwork. She wondered how many couples had a _hand holding_ schedule. She did not even move as he reached for her hand again and held it with his. This was their life.

Not feeling like watching the news, Kagome grabbed the remote and began flipping through the channel. Since nothing of interest was planning, she settled on a movie. Sesshomaru did not express any disproval and thus she left it there. Everything was going smoothly until the unexpected happened. A rather passion filled scene took place on screen and Kagome found herself holding her breath.

The right thing to do would be to change the channel but that thought did not even cross her mind. She stared with open eyes, unsure how to act. Her bottom lip began to quiver as she began too aware of his hand, his body, his _warmth_. She swallowed, trying to relax her tense body. She felt the heat on her face and it was spreading through her body. She could not even look at him.

Though she felt him _move_. Move as he reached for the remote. Calmly, he changed the channel and put the remote back down.

They both knew it was too late.

Despite his best efforts, the scene had an effect on him. He was fairly certain he was holding her hand tighter than before but he could not be sure; his hand almost felt numb. A tingle was traveling through him and all he could do was focus his breathing. There it was, that urge that forced him to do unspeakable acts. And to top it all off, he could smell _her_. Her scent overtook the room and it was impossible to ignore it. He could not blame her but it certainly made the whole situation more difficult.

"It is no longer working," he finally said as he released her hand.

Hand holding was not going to do it. It might even be too tempting in the heat of the moment. Although, it was very confusing. Which one was supposed to help? More or less contact?

She folded her hands in her lap and nodded. "I think I will go to b-ed."

Kagome rose up as quickly as her legs allowed her and ahead for her bedroom. Sesshomaru made no attempt to stop her. It was the right idea. Although it was not going to solve the problem. He already felt himself stiffened as he got up. No more cold shower; the tiles were not going to survive it. Also, he could handle it this time. It had not reach that point yet.

He closed the door a little too loudly behind him and undressed himself. He was mindful of his movement and did his best not to brush up against any sensitive area. Once he was changed, he closed the light and laid in his bed. As he stared at the ceiling, he came to the conclusion that he would most likely spend his night awake. Kagome was not as tired as before and she was taking less and less of his energy which made sleep very optional.

The night would go by much faster if only he could sleep.

Unlike him, Kagome _was_ tired but just like him she could not sleep. She rolled in her sheets, completely restless. It felt so much more embarrassing for her since he could actually tell when she felt…_aroused_. For all she knew, he was barely affected but mostly put off by her reaction. She wished she felt nothing, she wished she did not want more skin contact. It made her feel selfish. It was a small price to pay to be alive but - it was such a cruel one.

She dreamed about him more and more often. Her dreams were always a bit hazy and blurry but she recalled enough to be embarrassed by her own thoughts. How could she even be dreaming about those things? It was not as thought she was knowledgeable about the subject. She knew what every fifteen years old knew. After that… well her life got a little too complicated for her to worry about that kind of thing. She would not even know what to do - _she was _pretty sure that except for kissing and small touches, she did not know how to proceed.

And he did not know either.

That probably did not help.

They had a hard time enough getting to where they were…how were they even going to progress further? _Without_ going all the way of course. And _kami_ why was she thinking about this? It was making the whole situation a lot worse. She was convinced her face was bright red. And she needed to get those thoughts of Sesshomaru out of her head. A puddle of heat formed in the lower regions and she was forced to inhale deeply.

_No more thinking_.

Unbeknownst to Kagome, her thoughts were slowing torturing Sesshomaru. He thought that once they would be in different rooms far from each other and _not_ touching, it would subdue. He was wrong. She was much more vulnerable than he was. Although, he hardly felt in control. _Hard_ being the key word. It was too late, her emotions were flowing through him and his erection grew. She was aroused and excited. He knew it could no longer be because of his presence; it was her thoughts. She was giving into the feeling.

He was restless. Last time he was restless, he had to do something about it and it hardly helped. No because the solution could not come from him alone. As they previously realized and discussed, it was their bond calling out to _them_, wanting them to be closer_. Unless_ they did something _together_, he was afraid they would be stuck like this.

This was the moment he dreaded, the moment where it would have to be more. They did not even have tim to figure out a solution yet and already they had to take things up a notch. A simple _scene_ got them this excited. How were they going to survive the next weeks and months? How were they going to handle more contact? He was not repulsed by the thought of touching he simply never thought much of it before this. Why did it have to become a necessity?

But, decisions had to be made and he knew she would not be the one to make them.

He was not too keen on the idea of what was about to happen but he rather get it over with quickly. If they got rid of the feeling now, they would be able to move on. And _she_ would get some sleep. And she would _stop_ thinking. That was the main goal.

Sesshomaru reluctantly got out of bed and headed towards her bedroom. The closer her got, the stronger the scent became. He licked his dry lips before knocking on her door. He _heard_ her breath hitch.

"May I come in?" he asked.

Her reply was so quiet he nearly missed it.

He slowly turned the handle and walked inside. In the darkness he could very clearly distinguish her form. He headed towards her bed and stopped once he reached the edge of it. He preferred doing this here then in his bedroom; he did not need that _scent_ everywhere in his personal space. It was already invading him enough as it was.

Kagome did not know what he wanted and wait she scouted away from him, leaving him enough space to lay beside her. She was nearly holding her breath as he laid down.

Sesshomaru did not know the purpose of this or if it would help them in their current predicament but he had to try. Their arms were touching and the heat from the skin transferred to him. Her scent was wrapping around him and he did his best to keep his facade up. That was until she made a move. Usually, she always waited for him to make the first move but it appeared that even she was extremely affected. She rapidly moved her hand closer to his - to grab it. But the movement was too sudden and he moved faster than her. He wrapped his fingers around her wrist, stopping her actions.

She gasped as he held her arm up high while he laid on his side. His amber eyes were glowing in the dark while he stared deep into her orbs. She looked at his mercy as she laid on her back, waiting for him to make a move. He felt empowered, intoxicated. He felt _her_ excitement rise through _him_. If he just leaned in a bit more he would smell her even better. He throbbed while he got closer. She did not even move. She watched him as he closed the distance between their faces. However, he did not go for her lips, instead he buried his nose in the crook of her neck. He inhaled - too deeply and it sent jolts through her body. It was a mere touch and yet, she reacted to it.

He released her wrist and let his hand slid all the way down to her hips where he rested it, holding her in place even though he knew she was not going to move. He was not even sure she was breathing.

Kagome was frozen. She was never this intimate with anyone before. She knew he would not impose anything on her but - it was not as though she had any intention to stop him. The bond created a desire, an ache, and for the first time in days, it felt satisfied. She no longer felt that way, that emptiness. It almost gave her strength. Although she had never been this nervous in her entire life. There were so many things wrong with their situation and yet this was appeasing.

Sesshomaru finally raised his head and their lips nearly met. She almost inched forward but she held herself back. This was Sesshomaru, this was not romantic, this was not intimate. But her whole body felt on fire.

As he shifted himself closer to her body, she felt _it_ brush up against her leg. It only took her a second to realize what it was. Her mind screamed in panic but her body shivered in a sort of anticipation. It was almost exciting and it was terrifying her. She never experienced such an intense sexual desire in her life. How could it be? He was the pillar in her life but sometimes he felt like a stranger at the same time. Or was it poetic? He rescued her from death, he took care of her, and yet he respected her strength even when she thought she had none left.

He never slept beside anyone. He could not tolerate anyone touching his bed especially while he tried to rest. Now, he believed his restless would kill him and the only way to fix it was to be close to her. Although his hard length pressing against her leg _might_ kill him as well.

Using all of his strength, he pulled away from her. He had no intention of kissing her again. He did not want to go down that road. It was a slippery one and they needed to avoid it as long as possible. Instead, he used his grip on her waist to turn Kagome on her side. He wrapped an arm around her and rested her back against his chest. His length pressed against her rear but neither of them said anything.

Sesshomaru was extremely skilled at hiding his emotions, his feelings. She never knew it was this bad for him. She did not think he could lose control so badly. But the proof was right there _stabbing at her_. There was nothing either of them could do. And they certainly could not fix it tonight. She allowed herself to relax in his hold. It did help with the pressing feeling growing within her. She could feel the spot where his hand was resting; her clothes were _melting_ beneath his touch.

_Ignore it,_ she told herself as she closed her eyes.

Sleep. If she could only sleep it would be over.

-R-

Coldness. Loneliness.

Those were the emotions that filled her heart as she awoke. For a while, she thought she would never find rest. Eventually, her body and mind found peacefulness in his hold and she was able to sleep. But now, he was gone. She could not exactly say that she was surprised. If she had woken up first, she might have left as well. A heavy sigh rolled off her lips as she turned to lay on her back. Right beside her was his spot. Untouched. Despite his departure, she did not move during her sleep.

She slowly sat up in her bed and looked at the clock. _Five thirty_. In the morning? Why would she wake up so early? Perhaps she woke up when he left? Although Sesshomaru was hardly the loud one. Curious, she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and got up. She headed towards the door and listened for any noise; it was silence. Perhaps he returned to his own bed to finish his night?

Kagome quietly opened the door and peeked outside. _And he saw her_. Sesshomaru was right across from her, preparing food. Wait, preparing food? She did not get much time to linger on the topic since he was _staring_ at her and never glancing away. _Now that he saw her, she could hardly go back in her bedroom._ In resignation, she got out of her bedroom and joined him in the kitchen.

"Did I wake you?"

She shook her head. Her own body probably woke her because he was gone.

"Are you hungry?"

No. No, she was not hungry because her stomach was knotted. Because this was getting out of control for the both of them.

"It's harder," she finally said. She was shy to talk about it but they had to figure it out. They could not just act out every time the urge surged. Though it seemed the bond was all they talked about lately. It was controlling their lives.

"We will have to revise our previous arrangement."

He had to agree with her. This was becoming more serious than expected and he refused to be a victim of his instincts. His amazing self control helped him last night but he did not know how long this would go on. He had no intention of bedding her. He would avoid it at all cost.

"What can w-we do?"

"We will increase the level of contact within certain boundaries. If we give in too much, the bond will over take us. We should not venture too deep."

"I agree. But how?"

Did he know more than she did? Because she did not know _how to increase the level of contact_. What did it even mean? Was it what they did last night?

"I will figure it out."

He was not sure how, he did not know how he would figure it out, how to obtain such information but he would do it. If they had to increase their amount of contact, he rather it be on his terms. Most likely because for the first time he was going on unknown territories; he could not control himself. He was much stronger and powerful than she was. He wanted to make sure everything was done according to certain limitations.

A bit taken back, she nodded. She never pictured Sesshomaru doing that kind of research but if he wanted to do it she was not going to argue. She did not really feel like informing herself on the topic. She nearly blushed at the thought of it.

"I will run it by you afterwards."

This involved her as well and he was not going to completely exclude her out of the process.

It was simply already quite difficult since she got a glimpse of his weakness. There was no point in hiding it from her any longer since she _felt_ it. That was one of the reasons why he had to show control. She had to think he was more in control than he actually was.

"Did you sleep?"

Her question surprised him. "Yes," he honestly admitted.

He did not expect he would. However, after a few moments he did find solace despite the fact that he was not even tired to being with - it was _calming_.

"Maybe ww-e could do that again."

It was not too invasive and frankly if they could do it once, they could do it again. Granted it might be slightly more awkward once they were not _overcame_ by their desire but still. She preferred that to anything else.

"It would be acceptable," he said as he handed her breakfast.

It was not the worst idea and it was not as though they were apart often. Although, he was not sure how he would deal with having to share his personal space with someone _constantly, _even during his rest. Though it did make a decent compromise and limited any kind of real sexual contact between the two of them.

"Thank you," she said as he handed her chopsticks.

"Will you be alright on your own?"

She nodded.

He nodded back and walked closer to her so that he could get to the bathroom. He had to clean himself before work. There was no way he could carry her scent around all day. It was impregnated in his clothes, in his skin, in his hair. It followed him everywhere he went.

Unfortunately as he walked by her he noticed something. She smelled like him. _She always smelled like him_ because his scent was everywhere and it was the only one strong enough to mask the scent of her sickness. It was different at the moment though. She bathed in his scent. There was not an inch of her skin that did not smell like him. What he did last night by holding her was a frequent custom with inuyoukai. They were possessive. They wanted their mate to smell like them, they wanted others to know they spent the night together and that she belonged to him and only him.

He marked her in a whole new way.

If they kept going with this, she would always smell like him. She would always be even more tempting.

Bathing, changing, none of it would help because with time, it would come off. She would just belong to him and that was dangerous.

Perhaps he would require even more help than he anticipated. One person could help him with the bond - at least he hoped so. But until that could be figured out, he needed someone to help him figure out the new feelings and how to deal with Kagome.

There was one person that could provide him with some help. Though it would require some traveling for a few days. Also he had a temper and he might quite dislike the current predicament.

It was worth a try.

He had to speak with Inuyasha.

-R-

A/N: Yes, Inuyasha is dead. You remember correctly ;)


	14. The Prolocutor

**A/N:** Sorry it's been so long guys -.- thank you for your patience and reviews :)

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 14: The Prolocutor**

The sun was teasing the horizon, barely lighting the dark blue sky with its light rays. Birds were chipping along side the quiet roads as the morning slowly settled in. The road was empty except for one car. Its occupant, Sesshomaru, was gripping the wheel tightly, his amber eyes focused on the paved way in front of him. The trees passed by like green blurs while he tried to ignored the annoying little device that rested in the cup holder. He could feel its annoyance, he could hear all the damn vibrations it was sending through the air. _He hated it_.

Cellphones.

They were such useless inventions. It made it so people could always bother you no matter where you are. Obviously he was always against such thing. Also, since he had neither family or friends, it truly did not matter if he had one or not. Nobody was important enough to have access to him at all time. Recently, his situation changed. Recently, Kagome was included in his life and that simply spun everything out of control.

He realized he had to speak with his brother. However, since he was deceased, there was only one way to do that. And it involved leaving Kagome alone for a few days. Obviously she would not be completely alone; her mother would come by once in a while. At first he suggested she stayed with her mother but she flat out refused. She also did not want her mother to come live with her at the apartment. The only thing she agreed to was to _let_ her mother check up on her from time to time.

Sesshomaru was fairly certain it was only because she did not want to impose on her mother. Nonetheless, he knew she had not fully recovered. That left him with the option of getting a cellphone. She probably was not going to call him. But - but there was a way for her to reach him. She was his to look after, a promise he would honourably live up to for the rest of her life. If there was trouble he would return immediately and complete his trip at another more appropriate time.

Space between them was good. Or would it make it all worse? He was not sure. However, he had to do this it was the only way they had to figure out everything that was happening between them. The bond had to be taken care of before it slipped even more out of control. He barely kept himself in check some days. No mistakes could be allowed. He respected Kagome, he chose to help her. However, he did not want her to expect anything. He would never do anything more than his duty. There would be no attachment, there would be no love. She was already aware of that but - but some of their recent actions could be misleading and he refused to let that happen.

It was why he required his Inuyasha's assistance.

He never spoke with his half-brother much. He did not care for what he had to say. He was blood - a fact he did not always appreciated. He kept the promise. He respected his dying wish. However, when it came to humans, when it came to controlling emotions you have no control over… Inuyasha knew more than him. He did not enjoy admitting that but he had no choice. Unfortunately for him his little brother was dead and…communication was a little difficult. But not impossible.

It did mean he had to deal with someone he did not want to deal with but it was part of the price he had to pay.

Hopefully the trip would not be too painful.

-R-

_Silence, pure silence._

The only sound she heard was the one of her pen tapping against the edge of her notebook. And she only made that sound to break the silence. She could not understand why the quietness bothered her. After all, Sesshomaru was not a loud person - _oh_ and he was not the type to chit chat. As a matter of fact, it was often quiet. Perhaps it was not the lack of sound that disturbed her but the emptiness of the place. He was not gone to work, he was not coming back in a few hours. He vanished for a while. Vanished. Was that the right word? She was aware of his departure. _He said goodbye_. He even got a cellphone. And called her mom - something he truly did not need to do.

And she was not going to call him. Nothing would be important enough to pester him and he deserved some time away from all of this - from her.

At least she did manage to persuade her mom to stay home. Even though it took great effort. After all this time, she should be able to take care of herself. She could walk, she could move around. Even her verbal speech was a lot better than before - not that she would be speaking to anyone.

This was a step in the right direction.

Plus…perhaps it would be good for her and Sesshomaru to be apart. Mostly because she was not sure how to deal with the increasing rapprochements between them. They needed more, they had to do more. She did not know the first thing about doing more! And with _Sesshomaru!_ Although, if she was to be honest… she had to admit it was not the worst thing in the world. Even when she was blushing furiously, she was comfortable in his presence. He brought her peace and she was calm whenever he was around. Without him, her sleep was restless. She did not even know if she would be able to rest while he was gone.

She wondered if it would be same for him?

Probably not.

After all, the situations were getting _awkward_ to say the least. She could not pretend she did not feel _it_ that night. Obviously they would not speak about it but it had to be weighing on his mind. Ignoring it until it was necessary to speak about it was the way Sesshomaru dealt with things. She would go along with it for his sake. It was the least she could do. It was _her_ who was affecting him, her who was rendering him weaker and filed with emotions he was not used to - it was because of the bond he was _forced_ to make between them.

Kagome shook her head, clearing her mind. She would not think about it anymore and she would not think about his private life and thoughts; they were not in a relationship. He did not tell her where he was heading. She did not ask. He had his life and she had hers. Yes, they shared a bit more of time together and they had some bit of… physical intimacy but it did not mean anything. She knew Sesshomaru and she knew herself. They would not work in a relationship - not that a relationship was even a possibility for them. But if for some crazy reason it ever was an option, it would not work. They were very different people and Sesshomaru was not one to do _feelings_, relationships or _humans_.

There was one question on her mind though; what would she do?

It was there, no matter how much she fought to ignore it; she _noticed_ his missing presence. She had to keep her mind busy, distract herself from the obvious and dwell into an activity. She was limited. She was independent but not foolish. It was no time to push herself to her limits now that she was alone. Walks were out of the questions, it was not as though she wanted to be out there shopping and whatnot. She had some work to do but not enough. Read a book? She did a lot of that at the hospital. Maybe she could draw some more? He did get her a lot of supplies - although her inspiration was not very present for the time being. Watch movies? Maybe. After all, she avoided romantic comedy and sappy movies while Sesshomaru was around. She had a feeling those types of movies did not rank very high on his list.

She sighed before running the tip of her fingers on her growing peach fuzz of hair.

A movie. It was the winner.

It would distract her from the loneliness creeping up inside of her.

-R-

"Well, if there is one person I never thought I'd see again…"

"It is not polite to leave your guests waiting outside."

He did not want anyone to spot him, he did not wish for anyone to speak with him. Sesshomaru was rather familiar with this area and he could sense too many youkais occupied the vicinity. His aura was fairly recognizable and he did not wish for that. It was best if he came, did what he had to do and left. Although, he knew the old man would not make it that simple. This would come with questions and probably services. He was willing to pay the price; it had to be solved no matter what. Neither he or Kagome could go on like this.

"You ain't a guest, you invited yourself."

"_Totosai_," Sesshomaru warned.

The old man scoffed before dismissing Sesshomaru with a wave of the hand. Nonetheless, he moved out of the way and let him walk inside the house. Never in a million years did he think he would see the oldest son of Inutaisho again. Last time they crossed paths was that Inuyasha's funeral many centuries ago. He remained a private person and in this changing world, nobody needed his service anymore. It was him and his three-eyed cow, Mo-Mo. A farm was the best way to go to hide him and this way Totosai did not need any help to make it on his own. He could grow whatever his heart desired and pretend he was not living in this human world. The years went by but he did not pass away. He lived far longer than his own expectation.

And yet, he could still be surprised.

Sesshomaru standing in his house was proof of that.

"Now, why would ya need me?"

"I need to speak with Inuyasha."

He frowned. "Ya brother's dead."

"There are ways."

Spirit communication was tricky. To top if all off, he would need an interpret. Sesshomaru would not _actually_ be speaking with his brother - Totosai would. It did bother him slightly since he would have to share a bit more than he intended and he would have to rely on Totosai's translations but it was the only way available. He would work with what he had. Inuyasha was hardly a _love_ expert but he did form a bond - with a human nonetheless. Surely he must have felt all those emotions, even if his bond was completed the proper way. Also, his half-brother could hardly handle emotions well. Rage and rudeness were often the ways he used to let off some steam. His experiences would previous similar dealings would be beneficial.

"I don't do that."

"You have in the past."

"Maybe his spirit is gone."

"I am willing to try it regardless."

Totosai sighed. He almost lived a normal life now, he did not do these things anymore. Then again, he always dire more for Inutaisho's sons than anyone else. He put up with their awful attitudes and he gave them more swords than he should have. After Inutaisho's death he probably grew soft. Plus, he could hardly find a way out of this situation. Sesshomaru _was_ his father's son and he would not leave until he obtained what he came for - it would be easier to get on with it and finish this whole thing rapidly. How did he always get himself stuck between Sesshomaru and Inuyasha? At least it was not for a sword this time.

Although he was wondering... what in the world could Sesshomaru have to say to his younger brother. They had a lot to say in the past but never spoke of it...

"Fine. Gimme a moment."

Totosai vanished into another room and Sesshomaru scanned the vicinity. He quickly spotted a wooden chair, covered in a forest green cushion, and decided it would make an acceptable seat. He walked over and sat down. He could not say that the conversation would go smoothly. He was fairly certain this was not what Inuyasha had in mind when he asked him to look after Kagome. Though to be perfectly honest it was this or death. Also, Inuyasha was the closest thing to family and if hr had to discuss such a sensitive subject it would not be with a stranger.

Minutes slowly turned into nearly an hour. After what appeared like an eternity, Totosai came back with his arms filled with objects Sesshomaru could not identify. He laid them across a caramel brown carpet patterned with geometric symbols and kneeled down in front of them.

"Come," he finally said.

Without speaking a word, Sesshomaru joined him and imitated his actions. Totosai lifted the ivory colored kettle and poured the deep red liquid that was inside into a soft yellow cup. He filled it to the rim and put the kettle down before lifting the cup. The red liquid shifted in waves from one side to the other, nearly spilling out of the cup. His hands were as steady as possible as he lifted it to Sesshomaru's mouth's height, offering the drink to him.

"Drink."

Sesshomaru raised one of his perfectly shaped eyebrow, slightly suspicious. Obviously the old fool would not try to poison him, not that it would have much effect on him. Still, he could not help the mistrust he experienced in the pit of stomach. Regardless, he was forced to take the cup from Totosai. He snatched it away and wrapped his long fingers around it. The ceramic was cold to the touch as he put it against his lips. He dared to tip it forward, letting it leak down his mouth and into his throat. It burned all the way down until no more liquid was left. Once he swallowed, he put the cup down and opened his eyes, waiting for the next part.

Although, he was still confused that _he_ was the one who had to drink the liquid. Was Totosai not the one who would speak with his brother?

He lifted his gaze to stare at the old man and noticed that something was different about his expression. He looked quite pleased with himself as the corner of his mouth was tugged into a smirk. His hands were intertwined while he appeared to be patiently waiting for _something _to happen. Perhaps Sesshomaru was right not to trust him in the first place. He dared to glance down and saw that a light grey smoke was coming out of the kettle. It did not do that in the beginning did it? He could not recall the presence of smoke when Totosai first poured the drink.

"When will you be speaking with Inuyasha?" He finally asked when nothing else happened.

Totosai's smile grew in size. "I will not be the one to talk with your thick skull brother."

"This is the reason behind my presence here."

"No, you came here to talk to him."

"Yes."

"Then ya'll talk to him."

Before the full meaning of his words sunk in, Sesshomaru felt a spell of dizziness over come him. Suddenly, his visions was slightly blurry and he was having a hard time focusing. He was forced to lean back on his hand simply to keep himself from falling to the ground.

"What did you do?" he spat out in anger.

"I'm making sure ya talk to your brother."

Inuyasha was stubborn but so was Sesshomaru. He decided that he had no desire to get caught in the middle of them. If they had an issue to discuss, it was much better if they dealt with it themselves. His smile would not leave his face as he picked up a piece of red fabric that Sesshomaru easily recognized as Inuyasha's fire rat robes. Why did the old man have that? Where did he get it? He could barely see by the time Totosai began burning the crimson fabric. Once it dissipated into smoke, Sesshomaru found himself completely unable to resist the urge that took over him. He gave into his heavy eyelids and closed his eyes.

At first, he fell into unconsciousness and everything was blackness. After a moment, he felt himself regain control of his body. He was able to lift his head and stare around him. Everything was a dark hue of grey with no walls or ground. It was like he was prisoner inside a ball of darkness. He weakly managed to make it to his feet, his head throbbing with an intense pain he had only ever felt while taking's on Kagome's agony in the past. He searched the vicinity, hoping to see either Inuyasha or Totosai but it appeared that he was completely alone in the abyss. Instead of calling out to someone, he kept walking although he doubted he was making any progress in any direction.

"This better be worth burning my damn clothes."

He knew that voice all too well. "Inuyasha," he greeted.

When his half-brother finally stepped into the light, he was not like Sesshomaru expected him to be. His whole body, on top of being somewhat transparent, had a hue of grey to it. His features and his expression were the same though. His arms were crossed in front of his chest as he leaned against the non visible _wall_.

"Whaddaya want?" He took a step forward. "Ya just couldn't leave me alone could ya?"

His face was much like the last time Sesshomaru saw him; cursed by his half humanity. Wrinkles covered his skin, flesh hung lower than before and his lips were carved by sinking lines. He was _old_. He became old much sooner than he should have because of his weaker blood. Although that never stopped him from being an annoying pain in the ass. It was a trait he carried on from the moment he was born until the day he died. Although - Sesshomaru would have to admit he became slightly more tolerable once Kagome left the Feudal Era. It grounded him, it made him sadder…despite the fact that he seemed to live a happy life despite it all.

"It is about Kagome."

"I never asked ya for anything!" he immediately said in anger. "All I asked was for ya to make sure she was fine. Don't tell me ya couldn't even do _that_."

"I saved her from death," he said through gritted teeth.

"Death?" Inuyasha asked, taken back.

"She was dying of cancer - her body was destroying itself."

He saw the shine of twinkle of tears in Inuyasha's eyes but none of them escaped his eyes. "She- is she okay?"

He nodded. "I saved her."

"How?"

This was the past he had been dreading. "I mated her."

Flashes of emotions traveled across Inuyasha's face and he seemed unable to settle on one. Anger, pain, betrayal; it was all there, vividly present in his dull amber eyes.

"You did what?"

"It was the only way."

"I didn't tell you to _touch_ her."

He saw his half-brother running towards him, ready to lunge at him, but instead of their bodies colliding together, Inuyasha went right through him. He landed loudly on the ground, his face hitting the floor first. He was panting heavily, his fangs sticking out of his mouth. Kagome - Kagome was his. He had a his, he had a lovely woman he loved but - but Kagome was his. She certainly was not his brother's. She was not his to lay his hands on.

"I did not touch her physically. I only bit her."

Inuyasha lifted himself off the ground but refused to turn around; he did not want to look at him, not yet. The rage was swirling inside of him and it was too much. He imagined them together, he imagined them in love and even though it was impossible for his brother to love a human, the images refused to leave his mind.

"You can't mate her by just biting."

"You can." Although it apparently brought forward a bunch of problems for them. Hence the reason for his presence but he would wait to share all the details. It was no use giving his brother all the information; when Inuyasha was angry it would cloud his judgement.

"So, you call me here, you take me away from my resting place just to tell me you mated Kagome? It's been awhile since you've stopped that low _Sesshomaru_."

"I am here because I require your assistance." His brother did always make it quite difficult to be civil. Also, now he realized how hard it would be to discuss about his current dilemma. He expected him to be stubborn but not _that_ much of a brat.

"You need _my_ help. With Kagome?"

This time, he was forced to turn around. There was so much he wanted to know and yet he did not ask any questions. How was she doing? Why in the world did she accept to be mated to his brother? Then again, if Sesshomaru did it - it must have been a last resort. His brother would never tie himself down to a human. Inuyasha did ask him to look after her but… he never thought it would mean _like_ that. Was Kagome happy despite the arrangement? Was she healing? Was she going to leave him eventually?

"I have always treated her with respect." He saw the unspoken questions in Inuyasha's eyes.

"Ya better."

"She can do as she pleases. She is free to do as she wishes and I impose no rules on her."

"Then why do ya need my help?"

Sesshomaru pinched his lips, pondering how to begin this conversation. This was not an area where he was knowledgeable or comfortable. Inuyasha was also the last person he ever thought he would be having this discussion with - it did not make it easier.

"The bond is being rather difficult."

"What do ya mean?"

"I have been able to - " He paused. "_Feel_ her sickness and her emotions."

"Sounds like an improvement rather than a problem," Inuyasha commented. His brother could always use a bit more emotions. It was what made him so empty and so unlikeable.

"Our bond is not completed."

"Ya I told ya."

"It _wants_ to be completed."

The full impact of his words downed upon Inuyasha who frowned at the statement. It was to be expected. He had troubles with his bond at first too. Nobody taught him to be a youkai - he was all on his own. He knew about mating, he knew of the urges that overcame him but he had no clues about the specific. He had to learn it on his own through trials and errors. He thought it only involved biting but he soon understand they needed a physical connection as well. Some days, it even hurt him to have half a bond. His mate, who was human, did not handle it well. It made him fear for the kind of pain his Kagome might find herself in.

But - but he did not want his brother _touching _her.

"So what do you need my help with?"

"I wish to avoid it."

"Ya won't be able to."

"I wish to avoid it as long as possible," he corrected.

He too came to the same conclusion as Inuyasha. However, in case - in case they might be able to find a solution to this, or perhaps a way to break the mating once she was fully healed - he would rather only used that as a last minute resort.

"And you want me to do what?"

"I do not know how to deal with humans."

"You want me to tell ya how to fool around with her?"

Sesshomaru sighed; he had a feeling this would be a very unpleasant and long conversation. Hopefully, all of this was not for nothing. Hopefully, he would find an answer to his questions and he would be able to push back the inevitable.

-R-

The moon was high in the sky, the darkness peaking through Kagome's window as she laid in her bed, completely restless. It had been that way ever since Sesshomaru left. Every time she closed her eyes in the hope of finding rest, she failed. Sometimes she fell asleep, out of exhaustion, but it never lasted very long. She always ended up realizing that he was not there and that she was all alone. It did not bother her but her body seemed to mind. Especially now that they shared at bed it was hard to deal with the emptiness beside her. She needed to feel his presence.

She would not tell him. Although the dark circles beneath her eyes would be quite a task to hide. Perhaps he would not ask. Perhaps he would think the cause was something else entirely.

Kagome tossed yet again, and laid on her side, staring out the window. Her curtains were not completely closed, allowing her to stare at the starry night. She was fine being alone since she got sick. She certainly did not need him around all the time - and yet she missed him. Maybe he felt the same way? It was unfair to the both of them. He _really_ did not want this, she knew that. She - never planned for this. It was not like she loved Sesshomaru or that she even liked him. She _liked_ him a friendship way not in a loving way. She respected him and she was grateful for everything he did for her. She owed him a lot. He sacrificed a lot for her and he still had to do it.

The least she could do was burden him as little as she could.

She could hold back those feelings, she could push away the loneliness.

Some days were harder than most. She never forgot the depression, the darkness that lurked in her mind. Sometimes, it was still there, waiting to take back control. The loneliness, the pain of missing someone; it did not help keep it at bay. But each day, she fought, each day she made sure she would win the fight against it. She was not about to stop now. There was no way she went through so much only to give up now. Sesshomaru would not let her anyway.

Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door. In a flash, she sat up in her bed, her body in alert and she waited for more sounds. And they came. She heard it close and she heard someone drop _keys_ down on the desk. _Sesshomaru was back_. Her heart raced and she was hopeless in stopping it. She clutched her hands around the blue sheets, keeping herself still and in place. She would not go to him, she would let him arrive and do as he pleased. He was probably exhausted from - _doing whatever it was he did_. She leaned against the headboard and waited, her breath hitched in her throat. She heard all of his footsteps, she heard him head into the kitchen. It was rather strange since Sesshomaru was usually a quiet person.

He had to know she was not asleep.

He could probably feel her just as much as she could feel him. Although his aura was rather calm unlike hers which was probably hectic.

Would he come see her? Did she want him to come see her?

He did not owe her anything. He did not have to say hi, he did not need to wish her a good night.

They were both free. This was not a relationship.

She finally let go of the sheet before sliding down in her bed. She closed her eyes, hoping to slow down her heartbeat so that she would appear to be sleeping. She did not want him to feel as though he had to check up on her. She would not be the one to influence his decision. She turned to her left side, her back now facing the door. She controlled her breathing, as she waited to see if she would hear him again. But this time, he returned to a completely quiet state. Unless? Perhaps he fell asleep on the couch? She would have heard him return to his room would she have not? She began tapping her foot, waiting.

So what if he slept on the couch? Perhaps it was what he decided to do. It was his decision.

What Kagome did not expect was a knock on her door.

It was soft and quiet; it was very much like him. Instead of telling him to come in, she sat down in her bed, tossed away the blankets before standing up. She slowly walked towards the door and opened it with a shaky hand. Behind it, she saw Sesshomaru standing, his hands behind his back.

"Hey," she said, breaking the silence.

"I have returned."

"Did you have a good trip?" She did not think he was one for vacation or for fun trips meaning it might be business related or whatnot but she would not ask.

"In sort, yes." Seeing and speaking with his half-brother hardly qualified as _good_. It did give him some answers despite the fact that the conversation was awfully awkward to have.

"I'm glad," she said with a smile.

"Did I wake you?"

"No, I was - " Not sleeping because she could not without him? "Reading."

He could point out that her room was engulfed in darkness which would make it impossible for her to read but he let her lie. He had other things on his mind. He thought he would be fine, seeing her after a few days. He was wrong; he had this overwhelming urge to feel her body close to his. He wanted to run his fingers across her flesh. He wanted to taste her; all of these thought were a bad idea. He made sure not to take a step closer, he made sure to keep a safe distance. His body missed hers. It was a good thing he was restless during his trip; instead of sleeping, he drove. It saved him a lot of time.

He should now tell her good night, he should leave. She should do the same. Instead she waited, she stared at him.

Kagome's body was locked in position. Her body missed his presence but having him in front of her was an entirely different thing. She was shy, she would never go toward him. It did not mind she was not _hoping_ he would make the first move. It was still awkward between them even though they acknowledge the need that formed in their mind and took hold of their bodies.

"Well -" she began, ready to say good night. She had to close the door. She had to go back in her own bed while he went in his. "Did - did you wanna come in?"

A blush crept up on her pale cheeks and she was forced to look away. They did say they would do this again did they not? It was normal for her to ask. It was not like she would be upset if he refused her proposal. She was only asking - asking because she needed it. Maybe he did too.

He should say no even though he already agree this was acceptable. His body wanted to say yes. He wanted to take her hand in his and follow her to her bed. Those urges were new to him. His body was being very demanding, he wanted more than usual. He felt out of control. It could easily be blamed on the fact that this was the first time he spent so much time away from her. He wanted to share some of his discoveries and run by her a few ideas like he promised but now he could barely focus on that. He _missed_ her.

He did not give her a verbal answer, instead, he nodded. She did not even have a chance to back away that he took a step forward. He meant to wait, he meant to follow her to the bed and laid down beside her but it was not what happened. His mental image from earlier was too strong. He took hold of her hand while her back was facing him and he pulled her against his body. She gasped in surprise as their chests collided. She stared at him, a hint of confusion in her eyes. He pushed that aside and instead wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her into a hug. At first she stayed surprised but then she wrapped her arms around him as well.

Her head was against his chest and she could hear his heart beating. They remained like this for a few minutes, until she raised her head to look at him. He avoided her eyes, not wanting to give in to any more urges. He already did more than he should. He did bend down slightly and pressed his lips to the side of her head. Her eyes bulged a bit but then, he let go of her and she was forced to do the same. He led the way to the bed and she followed, her whole body shaking both in fear and excitement.

Anything happened. Anything could happened.

He laid down on the left side and she took the right side. His arms snaked around her waist and held her close to her body. She could _feel_ his dilemma, his need pulsing through her. He had to be exerting self control because with what she was feeling, there was no way he could be so calm. There was a battle going on inside of her but she refused to let it win, she held it back. Though, she was certain he could tell. She could feel the sweat that began to cover her skin, rising her body temperature. She shook in his arms but he pretend she did not. As he held her closer and closer, it began to be impossible to ignore the hardness that pressed in her backside.

They were doomed by their bond.

As they lay down beside each other, their self control holding by a shred after being apart for so many days…it became obvious.

Even though could not stop it, no matter what. They could only delay it.

She did not know if it was scary or exciting.

-R-


	15. The Proclivity

**A/N**: Yeah, I don't know what happened there. I guess I don't like dialogue. Haha..(you'll understand soon enough).

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 15: The Proclivity**

Life used to be different.

He could clearly remember a conversation he had with her when she first moved into the apartment. He told her about how everything _worked_ but he never in his life experienced the desire, the lust, to go after another person. Their bond changed that. At least it did _physically_. He still had no emotional or psychological desire to _physically mate_ with the miko. His body had an entire other plan in mind but his mind remained the same. He supposed he should be _grateful_ that this whole ordeal did not drive him to the brink of insanity, to the point where he lost himself completely. Not that this current situation was any better. His body made him want things he should not want - things he _did_ not want.

While Kagome, being human, managed to find solace and rest he remained awake for the entire night. He intended on separating himself from her body at some point during the night but it became painful to try. This was the first time they were apart since their mating and their bond was pulsing with need. He supposed it made sense that it would want to be completed. Nobody initiated a bond and took it lightly. Both parties should wish for its completion. Regardless of that, he found it annoying. She might be human and she might not live as long as he would but her life would seem extremely long if they had to deal with this the entire time. He was one to think solutions through - he did not propose answers without considering every aspect of them. In this case, he had apparently failed. Although, his knowledge of mating had never been great and it was not as though he had many resources to dig through.

Still, he should not have been so keen on following his promise. Yes, in a hundred years maximum she would be gone and he would be free but what a painful hundred years they would be.

_Painful_ was the right word. It could also be used to describe his current state. When they first laid down together, his penis immediately became erect. He assumed it was because of the rush of need and emotions. He expected it to return to its normal state at some point during the night. It appeared that he thought wrong. Instead of obtaining some sort of relief from this hell his life had become, he was stuck in the nightmare. His erection was still pulsing, throbbing with need for Kagome, while it remained nestled against her backside. Sometimes, she would shift, brushing her small, bony backside against it. It should not turn him on. Not only should he not be having an erection in the first place, but Kagome lacked curves and shapes. She was not eating nearly enough to be putting back on all the weight she lost. In spite of that, the small touches made him burst with need. Each time she moved, his grip on her hips tightened.

He would keep himself in control; he was Sesshomaru - control was what he did. Nonetheless, it was inevitable that he would have to leave the bed at some point. Staying here was torture and his erection was only getting worst. The last thing he wanted to do was to be stuck relieving himself yet again. Although he doubted it would go away anytime soon. Now that he seemed to lack control even over his own body, he was doomed. Yet, despite everything he learned through his half-brother, he would fight this. He would not let it happen. It might seem like an easier solution but it came with even more problems. They would be fully linked, his emotions, her emotions, her needs, his needs. She would be his in every sense of the word and he would be hers. He would not have a weakness, he would not share his life with someone he did not want. The only thing left to do was endure - and he could do that.

Also, there was always the possibility that the mating could be broken. Unfortunately, that could not be considered for a while since Kagome still needed the mating to heal. She was much better but she was in now way _cured_ from her cancer. And there was the possibility that it might come back. Many cancer patients who went into remission found themselves victim of the disease again years later. Breaking the mating was risky business. It would be a last resort, down the road. For now they would live with this like they had done so far. If they took their time in increasing their level of intimacy, they could prevent the worst from happening - at least for a while. It was the only plan of action he had for the time being.

He did not know if it was the disturbance in his aura but he felt Kagome stir in her sleep. She made little sounds, indicating she was still asleep. However, that did not stop her from slowly turning her body. She was stopped midway because of his grip but he managed to loosen it. If she was going to put some distance between them, he would not be the one to halt her. Sesshomaru however did not find himself so lucky. Instead of pulling herself away from him, it appeared that she was turning around to _snuggle_ against him. Regrettably for her, there was something _standing_ in the way. Before her stomach could press into his, she was stopped by his erection. It dug into her stomach, preventing her from going any further. While it frustrated her in her sleeping state, it did something entirely different for him. _The friction_, it was all the filled his mind. Every time she made a useless attempt at getting closer to his body, the motion would cause the clothed head of his penis to roll against her warm flesh. The sensation was a new one and it felt nothing like his hand had felt.

Sesshomaru had to ground his own hips to make sure he would not thrust against her - he was not a pathetic fool. Although, this was a perfect opportunity. Her shift in position forced him to remove the hold he had on her waist. He no longer felt locked down; it was time for him to leave her bedroom and return to the safety of his. He needed a place where she was not, somewhere he could calm the storm raging inside of him - and inside his pants. Slowly, because part of him, nearly did not want to leave, he completely detached himself from her. She snuggled into the pillow, looking for the warmth she was missing. Before she had a chance to be awoken by his departure, he slipped out of her bedroom and silently closed the door.

For the first time since his return, he did not feel suffocated. His eyes drifted to right and he stared at the bathroom door. He did not want to do it, he wanted to avoid it but he was not an idiot. He was fairly certain that if she had kept rubbing against him, it would have been his undoing. This would not _go away_ on its own. Although it was better if he got rid of it through his own hands rather than…_her stomach_. Defeat was obvious in his face as he walked towards the door and opened it. He would have to humiliate himself again. It was not something he was looking forward to but it had to be done. He slipped out of his black pants and light blue shirt before folding them and putting them on the marble counter. He turned on the shower and slid inside. His cock bobbed with every movements he made and it only made it more painful. He had to get rid of this damn erection.

He pressed one of his palm to the wall of the shower, leaning against it. _He still had not fixed the tiles_. To be fair, things had been a little crazy the past little while. He inhaled deeply before lowering his other hand and wrapped it around his penis. His hand was slightly less hesitant than the last time he did this. He began stroking, a hiss slipping him. It was sensitive after all the time he spent erect, his cock against her ass. The feel of it was vivid in his mind and it sped the process. He did not want to let his mind wander but it did it all on its own. His eyes shut and all he could see was her, her bare stomach and the head of his cock feeling her smooth skin for the first time. It was warm, it was nice and it was foreign. It did not feel like his hand, it was better. But that was not enough, he would need more than that, more than just being pressed against her flesh.

Her hand? Her touch?

Sesshomaru did not have the first clue about what he wanted from Kagome. He did not want to want her. He did not want his own body betraying him.

But despite everything he wanted, despite his best efforts, he came undone once more with thoughts of _her_ filling his head like poison.

-R-

Two whole days.

That was how many days went by since Sesshomaru returned from his trip. He never talked about it and Kagome did not ask. Although, it was clear that something happened during his time away because he was acting different from before. When she woke up the morning following his return, she found herself completely alone. It was to be expected; it was not as though it was an enjoyable moment for him. She did not mind his presence as much as he seemed to mind hers. Sesshomaru helped her and the small conversations that they did have were not the worst in the world. He had a lot to talk about and a lot to share. She could still remember the stories he shared with her back when he first found her in the hospital.

Unfortunately things were _complicated_ at the moment.

When were they not?

She sighed as she tapped the mousepad with her finger, clicking next on the powerpoint. She was attempting to study for her online quiz but her mind refused to focus. There was a hole in her heart, a part of her that missed him. She knew exactly what part; the bond. Since he had been distance upon his return, except for the small moment they shared, it felt as though she never recovered from his missing presence. She wished there was a way for them to fix this. He accepted to help her and ever since then his life went downhill. There was no way she could make it better, but she could make it less painful. It was why she kept her distance even if her body seemed to long for his. _What a strange thought_. She never thought in her life that she would crave physical contact from Sesshomaru.

It was getting bad. She refrained from soothing the urges - mostly because it embarrassed the _hell_ out of her. Still, the ache in between her thighs liked to torture her by throbbing.

Kagome hit the button "next" a few times rapidly. Sesshomaru would be home soon and she wanted to be done using the computer. If he wanted his space, she would give him his space. Plus, she was rather tired of studying. Her strength was good lately, she was eating more, but - she could not exactly start running marathons and her weight remained _low_. Since she improved rapidly, she thought her weight gain would be fast but she was wrong. Then again, her stomach still had a hard time digesting most food. After years on fluids, it was not used to it anymore. That certainly did not help her. One step at a time; at least she was alive. Those were the words she told herself when she disliked her reflection in the mirror.

She pinched her lips as she finally reached the last slide. She laid her palm against the black lid of the laptop and closed it shut before getting up on her feet, using the desk as a support. She grabbed her books and headed to her room; she could do some reading. At least it would keep her mind - and hands - occupied. She opened her bedroom door before allowing her body to fall on top of her brown comforter. She shifted her white pillows so that she could sit down comfortably and opened her first book. She read every word, sometimes twice because she got lost in her own thoughts, and kept on flipping the pages. Unfortunately for her, the book did not hold her attention. Kagome sighed heavily before shutting the book close, her hand resting on the red cover.

Kagome tilted her head to the left, glancing at the beige clock on the wall. She still had _twenty minutes_ before Sesshomaru returned from work. She sunk her teeth in her bottom lip, anxious. She rubbed the back of her neck before shifting uncomfortably. She could not. It might be on her mind, especially since that morning, but she could not give in. Ever since she woke up after his return, there was this unsatisfied urge lingering inside of her. It was as though she reached climax but did not at the same time. It was difficult to explain, especially since she herself had only experienced her first orgasm very recently. _She was so embarrassed she wanted to hide her face in a pillow. _She slouched down in the bed until she was fulling laying down.

She dared to rest a hand on her stomach but did not venture further. Her fingers were tickling her skin as she pushed down while she inhaled deeply. She was right there, at the edge of her jeans, ready to slip into her pants. Her bottom lip quivered while she closed the gap. She ran her fingertips all the way to her core, feeling the wetness already dampening her underwear. The constant wetness had refused to leave her alone. Taking care of it was not the worst thing… right? She did it before… She shook her head at her own silliness and slowly plunged in a finger. She immediately felt herself tighten around the digit and she closed her eyes while she threw her head back. She held her breath while she thrusted it in and out of her, the poodle of heat between her legs increasing with each stroke.

She dug her free hand into the mattress, clutching at the blankets, as he body twisted in pleasure. Her breath was hitched, her heart was racing and she could feel her blood pumping while waves of pleasure traveled through her body. She dared to add another finger, her previous shyness melting away. Her body craved this, craved the attention it was being denied and now that the switch had been flipped, it was as though there was no turning it off. She was lost in her own world where she was finally satisfying a need her body demanded from her for months now. She unclenched the blanket from her hold and let her hand roam closer to her body. It reached her hip and she let it slid down the length of her chest. She never did this before, she did not know where to start. Although her desire was burning through her like fire, her inexperienced left her reticent to explore too much.

Plus, it was not as though she needed the added sensations. The two fingers pumping in and out of her were enough to curl her toes. Of course, her fingers were still tiny. They were nothing compared to Sesshomaru's. A blush spread across her cheeks, adding to the redness that her pleasure was already providing her. A thin layer of sweat coated her short layer of her, some drops dripping down her forehead and onto her nose. _Sesshomaru_. His fingers were long, manly although slender. Hers were short. Everything about him was bigger, longer. At those words, it was hard to forget about his large length pressed in her backside. _Oh god_. She had not just thought about that. No, no this was the kind of thoughts that would get them in trouble - that _got_ them in this impossible situation.

She had to control herself, she had to get it under control. It was the only way.

She tried to lift her head, her mind clouded with lust. She could not fall prey to her desires, this was how the bond made her weaker for his touch. It was already difficult enough to be away from him; she did not need to make the situation any harder. She stopped moving her fingers completely but left them inside. She already missed the sensation, the pleasure it provided her. Saddened, she removed her fingers nonetheless. As she raised her hand, juices dripping down the side of it, her eyes caught an unexpected sight: Sesshomaru.

Her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open and she found herself voiceless. How long had he been there? She had not even heard him open the door, much less walk in. His eyes were fixed on her, forcing her to hold his gaze. His amber orbs were narrowed, he made her feel like she was his prey to hunt. She took small breathes, unable to find the will to fill her lungs to full capacity. Meanwhile, the juices leaking down her hand continued their path, making her skin sticky. Her bottom lip trembled as she watched him take his first step in her direction. For the first time, he glanced away. This time, his attention was completely focused on her hand. It was as though it was _that_ he wanted and not her.

"Sesshomaru?" she tried.

He did not answer.

He could not talk, he could not open his mouth and form a single word. If he did that, he would lost the small grip he had on his self control, the one that made sure he did not ravage her despite what his body was telling him to do. His mind was clear for the most part, except for the spicy scent that was trying to cloud his thoughts and his judgment. He came home, never expecting this. As soon as he was inside, his suitcase on the ground, it attacked his nose and never left him alone. At first, he tried to chase it away. He spent a full two minutes with his back pressed to her door, listening to her movements, feeling her body twisting under the pleasure. He never meant to go inside. It happened on its own. His eyes clouded with need and he was inside before he could stop himself. That was when she took her fingers out. _He could almost taste her just by the smell_.

Sesshomaru was _so _close to her; he felt his knees hit the edge of the bed. He sat down, taking a long breath which was meant to keep him in better control. He raised a hand and gently wrapped his fingers around her wrist. She never stopped watching him but she made no movement to push him away. How could a scent make him so weak? How could a bond control so much of him? This was not him. He would never do this, he had never wanted to do this. Then again, _he_ was the one who bit her. His youki was strong. It held a strong hold over him and mating was not trivial thing to mess with - he should have known. However, he did refused to give in. He would not sleep with the miko. He might be able to try and use some of the _wonderful_ advice he got from his half-brother. At least then the painful conversation would have a purpose.

Before he even though about stopping it, he brought her fingers to his lips. He heard Kagome hold her breath as his tongue dared out and he tasted her. Her blood froze for a minute while he pondered the taste. It was like a jolt of electricity in his mouth, making its way down to his body. He wanted to lick more, taste it again but he held himself back. _He already did it one time too many_. He would not repeat it. He was supposed to be _fooling_ around as Inuyasha put it, not doing this. Actually, he had initially meant to avoid her a bit but it only made things worst. He did not like the fact that he thought about her while he pleasured himself, even if it made sense; she was the source of all of his troubles. It should only be fitting that he thought of her.

Regardless, even when he spent his time trying to _not_ touch her, he thought about it and it made him crankier. When he was in a bad mood, it made his shift at work horrible and he had no patience to deal with any of those idiots. That could lead to terrible things - like him melting one of his annoying co-workers with his poison. He wished to avoid that. _She_ was the only way to do so.

He finally raised his head to look at her and he saw the panic in her eyes. She clearly did not understand what he was doing and to be perfectly honest he did not either. Inuyasha's talks were not very clear and it was one thing to hear it and another to apply it. His knowledge of the female body was sufficient but not excellent. He did not have previous experiences to guide him and he absolutely hated to look like an amateur. He released her wrist from his hold and immediately her arm dropped to the bed. He shifted his position so that he was on his knees, his body hovering over hers. He put one hand on each side of her and leaned forward. He pushed his face forward until it was nestled in the crook of her neck. He inhaled deeply, her scent filling his nostrils. It was better than before; the scent of death was gone and only a hint of sickness lingered behind, hiding her real soothing scent.

As his lips brushed against the sensitive spot of her neck, the one pulsing, she tilted her head back. Sesshomaru often touched her and most of the times, he was the one who initiated the contact. She was always a bit afraid to touch him. He did not like it, she knew that; he was not one for physical contact. Also, he never quite seemed to be himself during those moments and she felt like she would break his _trance_. He was Sesshomaru, he was untouchable. She knew she did not need permission to touch him, and in those hard moments, he might actually welcome her touch but - _but_. As he kept on exploring her neck, his nose touching, brushing her skin, she raised a shaky hand. She approached it from his shoulder until it was nearly touching but she never actually made contact.

He moved his head forward until his nose was burrowed behind her ear. Right there he could feel her hand near his body. It was rare that she laid a hand on him. He grabbed, he took, but he rarely let her give. He did not like it when others touched his person, especially without permission. Yet, somewhere deep inside, his body craved her touch. Of course, it did. It was supposed to crave it. He knew she would never touch him if he disallowed it. The question was… would he? Did he want to feel her tiny hands roaming over him? Did he want to give her the power to lay her hands on him as she pleased? It was never meant to be so much.

But his body answered all the questions for him as he closed the distance between his shoulder and her small hand. Kagome nearly gasped at the contact but then recovered by enveloping his shoulder with her fingers. Her fingertips dug into his shoulder before she let her hand slide down the length of his arms. Sesshomaru was not extremely large and did not look buff but beneath her fingers she could feel all of his muscles, the shape of his arm and the strength he held. It made her shiver. She was so breakable, tiny, beneath him.

His lips finally reached her chin. He pulled away from her slightly, glancing into her eyes before sneaking a peek at her lips. Kissing was not something they did - except that one time where it was basically an accident. Inuyasha did mention it was an important part of foreplay. He always avoided that road, knowing where it led. Although, at this point they did not have any other step. The need was too great and their control was too weak. His half-brother did share a few tips on how to handle and progress with the _kissing_, though he was fairly certain his brain blocked part of that conversation. It was never one he thought he would have with Inuyasha and it was, if he dared to qualify it as such, _traumatizing_.

He looked into her blue eyes, seeing the uncertainty dancing in them. Her hand had made it all the way to his wrist where she was holding on tightly. "Are you comfortable with this?" he finally asked.

She nodded.

She did not know what she was comfortable and uncomfortable with anymore. This should be it and yet - her body was pulsing, the heat was rising to her face and she knew her body would demand more. Every time he touched her, her body sang. It thumped to the beat of his touch. Most of it was due to the bond but she found herself wondering if _she_ wanted this….even just a little bit? Was it all in her head? Was it all the need of the bond that saved her life? She could not tell anything apart at the moment. She knew it felt like she might die if he did not touch her a little more. Though, to be honest, even if none of this desire actually came from her…it was not the worst thing to give in exchange for _life_.

He never hurt her, he respected her. His touches melted her skin. She could live with it.

"Say it."

"Yes."

He was not sure why he wanted a verbal confirmation. Perhaps because he thought it might stop him, perhaps because he thought she would say no or nothing at all because she was too ashamed. He was wrong on both counts.

Now that she had agreed, what was holding him back?

Sesshomaru tilted his head to the left and approached his lips from his. He _heard_ her hold her breathe as he hovered over her lips as he had done many times. Except this time, he closed the distance. It was not soft, it was not loving; it was slow and rough. His lips began moving against hers and at first, she did nothing. _Her second kiss ever_. _His first ever_. She lifted her hand up, resting it against his chest - the proximity still feeling strange - and she began kissing back. Her lips were soft, like her skin. He raised his own hand and rested it behind her head, bringing her mouth even closer to his. It did not take too long to get the hang of it. The kiss was slow at first, each of them, tasting, testing and trying to get familiar into the kiss.

It did not take long for Kagome's second arm to lift so that she could hold on to him by wrapping her arms around his neck. The position was hard for her to hold with her lack of strength. As she did so, she felt his smooth, silky hair resting against her flesh. He noticed the trembling of her muscles and lowered his hand so that he could lay her flat on the bed to make things easier for her. It did render his position slightly awkward. The only way to make it comfortable was to nestle himself between her legs. While never breaking the kiss, he moved a hand to her knees and nudged them apart. She did not resist and he placed himself between her legs which allowed him to lower his body closer to hers and keep on kissing her.

It also pressed his groin right into her core.

Kagome remained sensitive from her recent ministrations. The pressure was enough to make her slip into a greater need. Before she could stop herself she moaned into his mouth.

That made him stop.

He pulled away from her, her eyes hazed in confusion. He never heard her make that sound before. _She was damp_. He could feel her wetness soaking through her pants and wetting his own. That scent would never go away. He slightly nudged his hips and it was enough for her to close her eyes, pinching her lips to hold back a sound. There was a certain pride in having that power over her, in being able to make her wriggle in pleasure. It was never one he thought he would enjoy but if he had to make the best out of a bad situation… Her lips were plumped, bruised from his kiss. The feeling was nothing like the first time they kissed. His youki was surging through his body, recognizing her as his mate. His youkai blood was being tasted. It made no sense that she bore his mark and yet he never buried himself within her warmth.

It was so enticing that at time _he_ even wonder why he had not. But he was quick to chase those thoughts; he was willing to let his body go but his mind would remain unchanged. He would stay who he was. It was not as though he ever had anything against physical acts. He never found anyone who held his interest - she did not count. It was an obligation, like everything else. Although, it was hardly unpleasant. His body felt the need, it was not as though he was forcing himself to be aroused. He responded to the call. It displeased him slightly but he could not stop it. He already knew that and his brother confirmed it. If at least he could keep himself from sleeping with her, he would win part of the battle.

As he slightly thrusted forward, unconsciously, she involuntarily raised a leg, almost wrapping it around him. It forced his penis pressed against her core and it only made his erection grow in size. _He was not against going along with what he could not stop…_but this was different. This was the slippery road he was always so afraid of. It had to be enough for now? He was deafened by the need, tortured by the vision and seduced by the taste. If he went back for more, if he assaulted her lips one more time, it might be one time too many. He moved a hand so that he could push her leg down and then dropped by her side. He would not go to his own room yet - his body would probably not let him leave her side.

She remained on her back, staring at the ceiling while breathing heavily.

Her body was on fire, feeling teased. He interrupted before she got her release; it felt like she would cry if she did not obtain some sort of relief. The tears were almost stinging at her eyes. She inhaled deeply once, then twice. She was not reckless. She could get this under control. She never needed this in the past, she did not need it now. It was the bond, she could calm her body. He never moved and neither did she. They stayed that way for minutes before finally, Kagome turned to her side. Her core was still throbbing and it would probably be that way for a while but there was nothing else she could do. She would not beg for me and she would not initiate it. They were already enough on dangerous territories as it were. He did a lot for her, and this was a way she could pay back; keeping her body in check.

They were face to face, instead of their usual _spooning_, and she could not help the way she stared into his eyes.

Every day, she changed. Every day, he became someone else.

This was never the way she thought it would end up when she agreed to all of this. This was never the life she saw for herself. Yet there was something extremely soothing in lying down by his side and she could not explain it into words.

He wanted to tell her to look away, he did not want her - or anyone - to see this dishevelled version of himself. Every time she was around, she infected him with her humanness. It spread through him like wild fire. When she was near, he lost part of himself.

He did not know what was more displeasing; losing himself or not minding this whole situation as much as he should?

Lust was a dizzy, soothing haze.

-R-


	16. The Proselytizing

**A/N: **Sorry it took so long to write this. I think I re-wrote it like 3 times. I'm not even sure I'm okay with it now. BUT here it is. On the plus side, it's longer than usual!

I totally want to dedicate this to cakeiton for the awesome art she did. You should totally check it out; /gallery?func=detail&id=9967

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 16: The Proselytizing**

The room was quiet, darkness swallowing the entire vicinity. The area was soundless, the only disturbance coming from the soft breathing of a very asleep Sesshomaru. He laid in his bed with his chest bare, his skin brushing against the silky cream color sheets. His arms were tangled beneath his pillow, the sheets barely covering him up to his waist. His long silver hair cascaded down to the side of his face, shielding it from the world. Although he was in a resting state, his senses were on high alert, ready to react to any kind of intrusion that might barge in. _As it was the case at the moment_. There, fluttering in front of his wooden door, he could _feel_ her pink holy aura as she annoyingly paced.

He pulled back a magenta eyelid, showing a hint of amber, and sighed. She rarely disturbed him; she only did so during important occasions. If she was here, it had to be for a reason. Did he truly want her in the middle of his bedroom during the night? His control wavered easily and he did not wish for her scent to take over _everything_ he owned. But, even if he ignored her presence, she stayed. The best way to deal with this was to get up and talk to her _outside_. He grabbed the edge of his sheets and tossed them off his body, making sure they did not land on the floor. He slid off the bed, his bare feet hitting the cold floor and his black sleeping pants hung low on his hips, nearly showing a hint of a silver hair trail. In no time he reached the door and wrapped his claw fingers around the bronze doorknob, twisting it open.

Apparently, he was awfully quiet since she never heard him open the door. His action startled her and her head snapped up while her blue eyes searched his face; she was attempting to assess if he was angry with her for interrupting his sleep. Her ever growing short ebony locks were sprawled in every direction while her skinny body was dressed in an oversized grey t-shirt and navy blue sweat pants that hid just how tiny and bony her legs actually were. There was nothing attractive about her body and yet…how many times did his cock ached with need in her presence? Foolishness.

"Yes?"

"I-sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Are you injured?"

"No."

"Do you require assistance?"

"No."

"Then what reason do you have to disturb this Sesshomaru in the middle of the night?"

"I - nevermind, I'm sorry."

She was about to turn around and he let his head tilt to the side in annoyance. He would feel the disturbance in her aura the entire night and he would be unable to return to his peaceful sleep. This matter had to be solved immediately if he wished to quietly and serenely returned to his bed before his blaring work alarm woke him. "_Kagome_," he called out.

His use of her name appeared to surprise her and she stopped in her tracks. She tilted her body slightly, allowing him to see the tip of her nose and a hint of her blue iris. "What do you require?"

A faint red hue painted her sickly pale skin and she lifted her left hand, grasping her opposite elbow with it. She chewed at her bottom lip, dragging on before giving him the answer. Did she truly have to make this matter last longer than it had to?

"Can I come in?"

Inside his bedroom? She wanted to be _inside_ his bedroom? Why would - _oh_. It was rare for her to come to him with her _needs_. It was always he who sought her presence when the desire became too much to bear. He supposed that if she actually came to him - it had to be because she could no longer handle it. However, that was quite strange since he did not feel a thing. The usual desire and bond pulsing for completion was present but it was nothing that drove him crazy. Perhaps…they did not always feel it to the same degree. He truly did not want to do it when he did not have to but she always comply without voicing a complaint and it would only be fair if he provided the same when she was in need.

His bare chest heaved while he took a deep breath and finally, he moved out of the way to allow her inside. Her body suffered from a slight tremble while she walked by him, her shirt brushing against his skin as she did so. She entered and he closed the door behind her. He was not sure why; they lived alone, there was no privacy to protect. He did feel a certain shame concerning the acts they did together and closing the door did give him a psychological privacy. It allowed him to think he did not do everything he was doing. It did not make it any less cringe worthy but - it was something.

He stared at her, waiting for her to do something. Did she wish for his permission before sitting on his bed? She was the one who came to him asking for this. He did not know her degree of need or what she expected from him. Did she want him to lead this?

"You may sit."

"Thanks," she said with a shake in her voice.

She eyed the bed, clearly unsure, before slowly sitting, her tiny body sinking into the softness of the mattress. He joined her, leaving a small space between their bodies. He moved his hands to his laps, intertwining his fingers while he patiently waited.

"I - it's been hard."

It was two in the morning. It was no time for chitchat; he wanted to get this over with in the hopes that he may return to sleep.

"I'm sorry to ask this of you… I just…"

"What exactly do you require?"

"I-I'm not sure," she stuttered, her blush deepening.

"If you required something, take it, or leave."

Her eyes met his and he saw the doubt shining in them. She was afraid but he would not be kind, he would not give it to her. He always came and took; if she wanted then she would do the same.

Finally, she moved her hand, resting it on his thigh. Slowly, she shifted it until it reached his hips, near his groin. It was a simple touch, it was nothing, and he could already feel the blood rushing downwards. He held back a growl while he closed his eyes and waited. He was at her mercy and he was uncertain if it was a pleasing thought or not. He was better at taking control than at relinquishing it. Sesshomaru felt the bed shift but he kept his eyelids shut. Suddenly, he felt her holding on to his shoulders for balance while she moved her legs to straddle him. When she lowered her body, resting her core against his, it took no time for his cock to engorge with blood and rise. It pressed against her and he felt her arch her back. This time he had no choice but to open his eyes; he did not know her to be this bold.

"It h-hurts. It hurts so much."

She let her hands glide the side of his arms, grabbing the flesh, kneading it. "Make it stop. I - I can't take it anymore." A few tears slid down her cheeks as she spoke.

He was youkai, it was much easier for him to handle. However, he was led to believe that the fact that she was human made it easier since she did not feel as much. Perhaps he was wrong; it was not as though he truly speak with her about it or if she shared how the whole thing was to handle for her. Perhaps she was skilled at hiding it from him or maybe he never bothered to find out. Nonetheless, the desperation in her voice was hard to ignore. He wanted to get this over with, he wanted to return to his life but there was no going back to any of that.

He moved his hands until they rested on her waist. Tiny, awfully tiny; no meat on her. Her body jolted under his touch and she pressed her body to his. Her small hands touched his skin, sliding across his plane of abs, feeling every muscles with her fingertips. His erection twitched and he let his hands lower to her rear.

"More."

He squeezed what there was to squeeze and she hid her head in the crook of his neck, her lips against the skin. She pressed a kiss, and then another, creating a path all the way to his jaw. She pressed her palms flat against his chest and then moved her head away from his long enough to look into his eyes. He never broke the glance and then she dove in, putting her lips against his. It was nothing like their first kiss. They both knew what they were doing and lips moved in sync as though they had done this many times in the past. He completely wrapped himself around her, flushing their bodies together. He felt the heat of her body and he found himself wanting more. She created the need in him, the one he did not have before she showed up at his door.

She let her fingers tangle in his hair, sliding them through his long locks. "Se-sshomaru?" she inquired while detaching their lips. "More. I need more."

Kagome grabbed his head with her hands, tilting his head back to reveal his neck. She lapped at the skin, tickling at his pulsing point as though she was a youkai ready to lay her mark upon his flesh. She could not and yet the thought of it excited him. He expected her to continue her ministrations on his neck but instead she shocked him with a strange display of strength. She pushed him down, using enough strength to lay him down on his back. A gasp past his lips and then, he inhaled deeply while he watched her. She was not timid, she was _a woman on a mission_. And it was a look he rarely ever saw in her eyes.

"I need you."

She dragged her body downwards until her knees loudly hit the floor. He was about to rise, to inspect her safety but before he could do anything her hands wrapped around the hem of his pants and slowly began dragging them down. He wanted to stop her but he was unable to do so. Instead, he bore his fangs while the fabric stretched over his erection. She only stopped tugging when his pants reached his ankles. Then, the only thing that stood between her and what seemed to be her goal were his white boxers - and she was eying them. This was foolish. This needed to be stop. He needed to grab her by the wrists and lift her from the ground before it went any further. And yet, his body did not listen to his mind. Instead his amber eyes were locked on her little frame as she grabbed his boxers, her heart thumping.

Need traveled through him while his cock sprung free, the constraints being dragged down his legs before joining his pants around his ankles.

"Kagome," he almost warned. His body might not move but he remained able to speak.

"Doesn't it hurt you?" she asked, her cheeks glistening with the tears she previously shedded.

Yes, yes it hurt. Yes, it overtook his mind and made his regular task painful but - this was a burden he agreed to live with and there was no going back. He could not simply toss what and who he was because he felt _desire_.

"It would make it better," she said as she created a space for herself between his legs.

He wanted to frown and appear imposing but he could not. All he could do was watch as she wrapped a hand around his pulsing cock and began stroking him. Although she was untouched, she was unfazed by her current actions. The feel of her hand brought unspeakable thoughts through his mind. He wanted her. He wanted those red lips wrapped around the head of his dick while she sucked him off.

And on cue, she _read_ his mind. He watched while she used the grip she had on him to bring his appendage close to her mouth. She made eye contact and never broke it. Then, she lowered her lips until her tongue touched the tip of his cock. One lick, one tease and then, she plunged him right inside her little moist cavern.

He lost it.

He came that instant, filling her mouth with his seed.

_Eyes bulged, sweat coated his body_.

A dream.

It was a fucking dream.

Sesshomaru sat up in his bed, panting like a dog, while he ran a hand through his bangs. Even now, he could feel those lips, lips he had tasted with his own mouth, wrapped around his cock and it made him pulse. It also made him realize that his sheet were glued to his now flaccid penis. It might have been nothing but a dream but his release was not. He dirtied himself, allowed himself to obtain released from a _wet dream_. He had officially sunk to a new low - one that was lower than working in a bank like a common human. He did not even want to get out of his bed, he did not even want to wash his sheets. Though, he would have to; he could not stay in this mess. All he could smell was his own shame.

Upon his return from his little trip, he learned that detaching himself from Kagome was getting harder and harder - _literally_.

For the past three days he chose to keep a bit of distance. He did not join her in bed, he did not kiss her. He kept with the small touches and their TV rituals but he did not push on more interactions and she did not ask any questions. It was best this way. Except he had a taste of more and his body would not let him forget it. Apparently step forwards could be taken but step backs were forbidden. If only it was the worst of it. No, because of course, it got worst. His workplace was filled with mindless, perverted humans. During one of his lunch breaks, he happened to overhear a conversation - all thanks to his super hearing. The men were speaking about _blowjobs_. He sneered at them and thought nothing of it.

His mind had something else planned for him.

He thought about her, he thought about what she could do to his body. He never pictured it this vividly. He supposed it was fitting; it was a very submissive position. On her knees, pleasing him. It made sense. Although, it hardly meant he desired it.

His cock did. He did not.

Sesshomaru would need to return to her side. Since he kissed her, since she moaned, it became a dangerous path. The newly vivid dream he had was proof of his slipping control. How long would he be able to keep it in his pants? Her humanity was destroying him, taking away what he was. It changed him - and he had no desire to be changed. Yet, in the midst of it all, he barely cared.

How long would he remain himself?

Once he stepped into the road, there was no coming back. Not only that but he would lose everything and gain nothing. Everything he was, everything he always wanted or himself would be taken from him. He would indulge in pleasures he wanted no part of and he would always feel a _complete_ bond towards her. He said that if she let him mate her, he would let her live her life free of him. If she wished to leave she could, and he would never stop her. It was the truth when he said it. Even now, if she walked away from him, he would accept it. He should even be happy about it. However, he knew his reality was very different from that.

The moment she would become fully his - it would be near impossible to let her go. He could not sit in this apartment alone while she would live her life alone or with another man. If she ever bedded another he would _feel_ it, it would _destroy_ him. It was not until he spoke with his half-brother that he realized the gravity of the situation. He attempted to ignore it but it was now made very real. She even took hold of his dreams.

Once he would take her he would be lost to himself forever.

He was not ready for that to happen. He would fight it.

-R-

Tongue lapping at the top of her small breasts. A thumb rubbing her nipple, playing with it, twisting it. All the while, all she could do was shiver in pleasure, locked beneath his hold. He overpowered her, he took her body and he tasted everything she had to offer. And yet, it never felt enough for either of them. Kagome's body thrashed while he began laying a trail of kisses down her stomach, only stopping at the barrier created by her underwear. He slid a claw digit inside, the sharpness of his nail cutting the fabric. She felt her underwear became damp with need and he inhaled the sweet scent. His amber eyes shone with a hue of red she did not recognize and she felt like his prey, cornered with no way to escape.

"I am required to do this."

Yes, he was forced by the bond; she was well aware of that fact. It was the only thing that could bring forth such behaviours from him.

"This Sesshomaru would never touch you this way if he was not force to do it."

Why did he speak out loud all the truths she rather remained silent?

"Once the bond has been taken care of, I will not touch you again."

She did not want this either. It was all because of the bond. It was consensual, she wished for this. She would not stop it simply because outside forces were influencing it. It felt good and he treated her right and with respect - usually at least. There was no reason to bring a halt to it. This was how she was losing her virginity. A virginity she would not have to give if he had not saved her life. Any price was a decent price was it not? How could one actually put a price on life? She was not miserable and when they spoke she could easily enjoy his company and he came to her rescue a few times ever since they began this charade they called a mating and a marriage. He never had to be kind but he was.

"I am left in this situation because of you."

She wanted to ignore his words, focus on the pleasures that were being brought to her but it was extremely difficult. All she could think of was his words. It was perhaps an unfortunate situation? However, did he have to make it sound this painful? Did he have to remind her of how he would never want to touch a human body? He did not want to want her but his body was betraying him and he now had to deal with the consequences; he had to _fuck_ her.

This was not done out of love.

This was not done out of desire.

It was done out of an obligation.

Apparently, the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach could not be ignored. Even if she was willing, even if he came to her out of his own will, it did not make any of it _better_. She was fine with it, she was fine with the lack of feeling, the dismissal of love. This situation was quite out of her control. She felt things she never felt before. She went with them without complaining. But he - he probably hated it. He never hid the fact that he was not quite comfortable with this. He always explained to her that _these_ kind of things were not activities he wanted to be involved in.

"How troublesome."

_Her eyes snapped open._

Beads of sweat dripped down her back, following the path of her spine. Her eyes were wide open, darting into the darkness. She was in her bedroom. The same place where her dream took place. She ran her hand over her forehead, wiping the layer of sweat that had been building up. Her chest was heaving, her bottom lip trembling. Why did such thoughts plague her? This was not new information. These were all facts she accepted a long time ago. It was a cheap price for her life. And yet, the sadness that stirred inside of her heart refused to listen to reason.

Sesshomaru was not in love with her - not that she wanted him to be.

He would never be.

This relationship between them would always be a sort of awkward friendship. Two people who had nothing in common who were brought together by strange twists of fate.

These new changes in her body, her new desires, their progressions…it meant nothing it was nothing. Yet, it was all she had. Her small moments with Sesshomaru chased away some of the darkness that built up inside of her. When she let the world walk over her, he gave her a solid foundation on which to rebuild herself. Although she did not have the first clue as to _what_ she wanted to be. Everything she had, everything she was - it intertwined with him. And although he respected her greatly and always treated her fairly, she meant nothing. She was a fleeting moment in his centuries long life. She was a moment in time where he had to make changes. Once she was gone, he would be back to himself and her impact on his life would be nothing more than a stain on the scroll of time.

But for her? He - he would composed her whole life.

She sighed, letting her arms drop to her side. She needed to clear her mind, she needed to keep these thoughts stashed away. A glass of water - it would do her some good. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, the light powder blue sheets sliding off her skin. Kagome rose to her feet, her white t-shirt falling below her knees, while her black pants sagged low on her waist. She had still not managed to gain enough weight to keep them on properly. Because it was awfully dark in her room, she stretched her arms in front of her and took little steps. She was too clumsy to take a chance and if she fell, she might disturb Sesshomaru.

Everything went well until her foot caught on something.

Something fell on the ground, objects scattering and she thought her fall was imminent.

Luckily for her, she was saved by the edge of the bed and half laid on it as she tried to catch herself. A sigh of relief past her lips before she kneeled on the ground. She roamed her hands on the floor, attempting to find what she had dropped, hoping nothing was broken. She quickly realized that it was her purse that forced her fall. She squinted in the darkness, and managed to gather everything and shove it back into her black leather purse. All except one thing. A brochure. What was that? She put her hand on the bed, helping herself up and marched all the way to the door. Except, instead of exiting the room, she flipped the light switch and stared at the pamphlet in her hands.

_Depression. Are you alone? Are you feeling sad and tired? You are not alone. We can help._

It was a brochure for depression? Did she get that at the hospital? She could not remember.

It was not as though she could speak with someone. Nothing about her situation could be explained and the moment she would mention youkais or other things…they would surely lock her away in an asylum. She was okay on her own. She did not need help.

She was _okay._

-R-

_Something was wrong_.

He did not have the first clue about what it was but he knew something was wrong. There was something about her that was not the same. Her attitude? Her looks? Was it her face? He could not tell. He did notice the way she flinched, the way she always maintained a certain distance between them. He did not mind, he did not mention it. However, it was in no way helping the growing sensations inside of him. Sometimes when he looked at her he pictured her saying all those words she said in his dream. He should have known it was a dream. She never voiced how she felt. When she did, her cheeks would flush and she would stutter. Most of their agreements were done in complete silence.

If she spoke he listened but she did not.

Even their little _bond_ was not sharing any insight with him. He felt no different; the constant restlessness was present but everything else was normal.

He tore his eyes away from her and re-focused his attention on the boring newspaper he held in his hands. His eyes shifted from column to column, never truly reading the words while he sipped his black coffee. Although he confirmed no steps back could be taken, he refused to go further into the abyss. His control was slipping enough as it was and all the thoughts that filled his head; her mouth, her on her knees…it was too risky. He carried burden heavier than this, he needed to pull through this.

Kagome grazed her spoon against the edge of her bowl while she took another spoonful of cereals. There was a slight tremble in her arm while she did her best to keep her eyes focused ahead. She knew he _looked_ at her but she was not sure why. Did he have something to say? Did he have something to ask? Perhaps he noticed how weird she was behaving? She was not even sure if she _was_ actually acting strange. It simply felt that way. The dreams plagued her and as much as she wished to forget about it, her mind was clouded by the thoughts of the brochure. Each time she was left to herself, her mind wandered and she questioned herself and her mental state. Was she truly fine?

The sadness became a part of her throughout her disease but it never left, even when she healed. It was her world. She did laugh, she did smile. Wouldn't those things meant she was fine? Yes, she felt sadness when she thought about all she lost. Yes, she felt shame when her eyes glanced upon her body. Yes, others' words did manage to cut through her like a blade. However, did she not make progress? Had she not grown stronger throughout all those hardships? She was better. This bubble, this messed up situation that became her life - it was fine. It was - was it healthy?

She used to speak a lot but she no longer did such a thing. She remained in silence. She did not want to bother her mother and conversations were not an easy thing with Sesshomaru. Did it have to be a bad thing? And how could she speak about any of those things with anyone? It would not make sense. Those burdens were hers. _He_ thought she was strong enough. He compared her to a youkai, a fighter.

Could she do it on her own?

"Sesshomaru?"

He raised his glance, tilting the newspaper backwards. There was a twinkle in her eyes, one that sped flashbacks through his mind but he ignored them all.

"C-could I have the number for the - to call - hm, for the health insurance?"

He quirked an eyebrow, slightly baffled by her request. Why would _she_ need it? Did she have treatments he was not aware of? So far, he had accompanied her every single time. Despite the questions running through his mind, his lips remained shut. Her life was her own just as his life was his. Sometimes their worlds collided but not everything she did concerned him.

"I will write it down before I leave."

"Thank you."

He did not ask. He did not wonder.

And it did not faze her.

-R-

This was a bad idea.

She should not have come here.

Her eyes were darting ahead, staring at the wallpaper - a soft yellow background covered in flowers. The carpet beneath her feet was white though it clearly lost its shine over the years. Her moist hands were resting on her laps while nervousness forced an unpleasant feeling of nausea in the pit of her stomach. She was playing with the fabric of her jeans which were much too big for her. She did not really have a choice since pyjamas were not a proper attire for the outside world and shopping was absolutely out of the question.

She swallowed hard, staring at the old white clock that hung above the door. Perhaps it was not too late to call back her mother: she might be willing to pick her up. She could not even be that far already.

"Mrs. Taisho?"

Did she need this? It was not as if she could be honest or even share much about the current situation she was... or even her past. But she called. Why did she call?

"Mrs. Taisho?"

Kagome frowned before looking around in the empty room. Suddenly it dawned upon her that she was the only one in the empty room. Taisho. Taisho. That was her! She was an idiot. A blush crept on her cheeks and she clutched her light grey handbag against her chest tightly.

"Sorry. I'm here."

She used the metal black chair to lift herself and followed the woman. She watched the woman's brown wavy locks swirl from left to right with each step she took, her black earrings clicking with every movement. Her heart raced, tingles of numbness traveling through her fingers. She tried to breathe silently but it proved to be a harder task than expected. She wanted to run away. This was one fight she had no desire to go through. She would lose this one. There was a door, a lock somewhere deep inside of her. She always knew it was there. She locked those feelings away herself. There were very few ways to survive everything she went through during her cancer. Her imminent death, which she had accepted, the heartbreak of her family, which she tolerated, and all the future that never would be. The only way to survive it all, before death, was to become another person.

And she did.

She became a miserable human being. The shadow of her past self. And it worked for her.

It allowed her to see her mother's tired eyes, red from the lack of sleep and all the tears shed, and still smile and hope. Hope that one day, her mother would no longer cry over her. Hope that her family would not hate her for dying.

Now, she lived.

And through every situation, through every curve life threw at her, she realized that - there was no going back to who she used to be but there was no way she could remain who she currently was.

After what appeared to be forever, Kagome walked into a small office. The lady who led her there remained behind and closed the door, taking away any escape option Kagome might have. She held her breathe while she looked over to the cherry wooden desk. A woman was sitting there, red hair pulled into a tight bun, no locks out of place, while a pair of silver glasses hung on the bridge of her narrow nose. She was scribbling down a sheet of paper with a golden pen. As soon as the door clicked closed, she raised her head, aware of Kagome's presence. Kagome took a few steps forward, her hands locked together in front of her while her discomfort only kept growing in size.

Why was she not saying anything?

The woman tilted her head to the left, showing her shiny light chocolate eyes. Her lips tugged into a smile and she rose from her chair by pushing it backwards. "Kagome Taisho?" she asked while closing the distance between them.

"Mm, yes."

She tilted her head, seeming interested by the way Kagome answered. "I am Dr. Izu." She took two steps back and gestured to the brown leather couch behind her. "Please, have a seat."

Kagome shyly nodded and began walking towards the couch. She thought she would be nervous but this was nothing like she expected. This woman was not a friend, she was inspecting every movement, every word, to try and analyze. There was nothing wrong with that; it was her job after all. However, it did not make this situation any easier. If she lied - and she would have to - she would know. And then what would be the point? What if she made her share things that were not supposed to be shared? She should have trusted her instincts, she should have left. It was too late now. She had to get through this, through this one session and then - and then she would never come again.

Her body was full of twitch by the time she sat down. Her back was straight, her posture was awkward but she kept her head high nonetheless.

Dr. Izu joined her, sitting in a small chair right across from the couch. She crossed her legs, causing her black skirt to rise up above her knees. She adjusted her glasses, the smile never faltering from her face.

"Is it your first time?"

Kagome nodded.

"There is no need to be nervous. Why are you nervous?"

Lie. Do not lie. Which one? "I'm - I'm not sure this is a good idea."

"Why not?"

Kagome clenched her toes, trying to come up with an impossible answer to the difficult question that was asked. "I think I'm fine."

"Then why did you seek help?"

Because - because her world was a mess and she felt lost for a moment. She wanted to enjoy life again, she wanted to stand on her own and she - she wanted to be able to deal with what would happen between Sesshomaru and her. He was kind, he was nice to her. She was not like him. She was human. He might be able to keep all feelings at bay but she was not the same. No, she would not fall in love with Sesshomaru. However, it would be hard to feel _nothing_ at all once they - they shared that experience together. It was not a relationship. He would not comfort her, he would not love her. In the end, she would be alone, despite all the needs and emptiness he would fill when they would be _together_.

"I had - I _have_ cancer - lung cancer."

"Had?"

Apparently she did not miss that little slip. Technically she should not be thinking it was gone forever. If it was not for the mating it would not be. "I'm - recovering. Miracle."

"Is it gone?"

"Yes." Not completely but…it would be.

"And because of that you are here?"

Kagome sunk her teeth in her bottom lip, dying to chew it. She could not show how she felt. Although, she was not even certain what to tell Dr. Izu. The reasons for her presence were all jumbling in her head.

"I don't know."

"That's a start," she answered with a smile.

"How is that an answer?"

"It's not. But we will find it." Kagome was about to open her mouth to protest but Dr. Izu was faster than her. "Why don't you begin by telling me a little bit about yourself?"

There was not much to tell. At least, not much she could share. "I - hm, I'm taking online classes. I - I never finished high school, so. And mm, I - I'm married."

Dr. Izu stared at her, the kind expression on her face never leaving. Although it felt as though she was waiting. Was she supposed to say more? What else was there to say about herself? "I - I have a brother. I used to live with my mother and grandfather."

"What about your father?"

"He passed away when I was a child."

"What of your husband?"

"He's a - kind man. He saved me."

"He saved you?"

"He, he stayed with me, he helped me through the cancer." It was not really a lie was it?

"How long have you two been together?"

"It's - we knew each other for a long time before - before we got married." Half-truth. She had known him for what was _technically_ five hundred years. That made him a very old friend did it not? The more sort of truth she could tell, the more comfortable she would be.

"Do you have problems with him?"

"No." The answer slipped out quicker than she expected. Was it not part of the problem?

"Then you are here about yourself?"

The question rung in her ears like a death sentence. Was this something she was doing for herself? She faked smiles, she put up strength she did not have for the sake of others. She sacrificed part of her life to fix a mistake she did, to help others and it gave her cancer. She put herself in harm's way, she loved, she cried and she willingly would have let her own life perish for the sake of those she loved. It was not about herself. The first time she witnessed hints of selfishness within her was - was when she was with Sesshomaru. She did not burden him with her troubles but she took.

In his presence, she became selfish, she thought of herself. He was right, she did transform. She could not be a miko anymore, at least not fully. She learned to let go of the light that always surrounded her.

She _wanted_, she _craved,_ she _desired_.

And that had to be alright. She had to be allowed to want things for herself. She had to want to become someone else. If she did not begin to listen to herself, she feared she might slip away, she might lose herself in the pain, in the sadness.

"Yes."

-R-


	17. The Promulgation

**A/N: **I really need to _thank_ the many people who shared the situation of depression with me. I need it's a hard struggle, it's one I am in myself. And some days are darker than others and sometimes, it unable you from doing anything - even the things you love. It's a fight that never seems to end and I know how hard it is to fight. So never give up people, and even if it hasn't yet, it'll get better.

Also, I don't know what the hell happened but... I really really went overboard and wrote a way bigger chapter than usual so ENJOY?

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 17: The Promulgation**

"Did you bring it?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to share it?"

_Yes. No_.

Her eyes shifted and she glanced at her yellow backpack. It rested by the leather couch, nearly empty which caused it to fold on itself. Inside, there was her sketchbook. During the first session, Dr. Izu asked Kagome about her hobbies. There were not many which forced her to include _drawing_ in the list or she would have not mentioned anything at all. She looked them over last night and nothing gave away her past but - _well_ she was about to get analyzed and she was not sure how comfortable she was with the whole thing yet. She knew she had to make progress, she knew she had to open up but she did not know how to do it for the time being. Nonetheless, it was too late; she brought them and she agreed it to it all.

She inhaled before bending forward and snatching her bag up from the handle. It landed on her black pants covered lap and she slowly unzipped it before pulling it out her sketchbook. Her hands were shaking as she fumbled with the pages, trying to open it.

"You don't have to show me everything."

There were many to begin with; if she began to hide a few, there would be nothing to show. She turned the first page and revealed her drawing of the well. Grabbing the edge, she flip it around and showed it to Dr. Izu.

"It's very nice."

"It's the well, by my house." She shook her head. "I mean - at my family's shrine."

Dr. Izu tilted her head to the side, clearly intrigued by her stammering.

"I - I used to spend a lot of time, there. It was _peaceful_." Actually it was a time of war and youkais and what not but, it was _home_.

"Do you still go sometimes?"

"No."

She did not go anywhere. She stayed home and she did absolutely nothing. She hated all those questions. She did come to realize there were a few things wrong with herself. However, every time they spoke, every time she asked a question she became conscious of how _lonely_ and miserable her life was. She did not see any other people, she did not speak with anyone and she certainly never did anything. When did her life end up like that? She could not remember the transition and at this point, she could barely remember what her life was like when she did not feel this empty.

"I've only been able to really walk around on my own…very recently."

"Do you plan on going?"

_"I_- I haven't thought about it." There were too many painful memories associated with it. She did not need to go back there and be reminded of everything she lost her.

A quiet silence installed itself between them and Kagome was the one who decided to break it. She turned the next page, the sketchbook facing Dr. Izu. At that point, it was too late to flip the page quickly. She _saw_ it. The black page with a speck of white in the middle. It was a memory, one she wished she could forget but - she could not. It would stay with her forever.

"And what is that?"

Lying would be quite difficult this time. "I-it's a place, I saw myself locked inside. It was - It was like a bubble." _The jewel. "_I couldn't find a way out. I was surrounded…"

"By darkness?"

She nodded. When Naraku locked her inside the jewel, she saw a world without hope, a devastating reality. Back then, she had no reason to believe it because there was so much positive around her, so much to give her hope. It no longer was the case and the dreams of that place stayed with her. How could she forget them, how could she ever chase away that feeling of pure hopelessness? Her own thoughts had a darkness they never had before. Together, they mingled and created this terrible bubble of sadness around her, around her brain. There was no escape from this; there _was_ technically but she never found the door, the exit from the mess that was her head. Instead, it became everything she knew.

"Why is there light?"

It was the hope that saved her in the end. She should have given up, she should have stayed in the fake world but instead, in the end, she decided to trust in everything she always believed. It brought her salvation. It was a dark place that haunted her but there was always that light, just like the light she had now. Unfortunately, she used to trust in herself. Now the _only_ light in her life was _him_ and she felt it was a downwards spiral.

"Because there's always hope if you look hard enough."

"Do you have hope?"

"Some days." She slouched into the couch, the hem of her oversize blue shirt rising past her shoulders. "I want to. Some days, I feel like - like back then." She was used to strange things being a reality for her, a normal one. "But then, I think about it - and -"

"And?"

Her stomach churned. "I was okay with all the sacrifices." Her chest tightened and she felt her insides quivering. "I'm alive. I should be okay with whatever life I end up with because - it's better than being dead."

"But you're not happy?"

"I am happy." Sesshomaru treated her well, he offered her a life, privacy and she was free to make whatever choices she pleased. She came here and he did not even ask about her disappearance. Her life was her own and he refused to have any impact on it. "Something's missing." Love. She would lay with him, she would be with him, but it would all be as empty as she felt.

"In your life or in your marriage?"

She held her breath, her eyes widening. She did not even mention Sesshomaru. Actually, she spent most of the time trying to avoid the issue altogether. It came with too many lies and she did not know how much of a poker face she could put on. How could she tell? "In my life."

Dr. Izu nodded, clearly not believing her and it only made Kagome's blood race with stress.

"You never mention your husband."

She wet her lips before she hardly and obviously swallowed. "I don't have a problem with him."

Izu nodded before crossing her legs. "You called your mother's home _your_ home. You have something missing in your life but it has nothing to do with him. You never, ever mention him in any of your problems or even when you re-call happy moments he's not in any of them."

No - he… he was not. She was a newlywed who never spoke about her husband. How could she? Their first meeting was not the romantic story they told at his workplace; he tried to kill her. Then, in all the times she spent in the feudal era, they rarely ever had an encounter that was positive. Sometimes, there were a few _rescues_ but it was never anything close to a friendship. Even their meeting in the modern era had nothing romantic about it; she was an obligation, something he was forced to do because of his _honor_. He had no feelings for her. Even when he touched her, lite her body on fire; it was not because he wanted to do it. Yes, he bought her dresses, he worried that she wallowed in self pity and he tried to get her out sometimes. _But he did not love her_. And she did not love him. How could she talk about it?

"I just, I moved in very recently. And - I he's not any of my problems…"

"But? Why did you get married?"

"Because we loved each other and we thought I was gonna die. We just - wanted to spend time together before it was too late." God, even she could hear the fakeness of her own voice. And even if Dr. Izu missed that, it was hard to miss the puddle of sweats forming under her armpits. She was lying and it made her nervous.

"So you got married thinking you were going to die but then you did not?"

Her bottom lip trembled. "Yes - but, we were okay if I didn't die." And that was not a lie. He marked her to save her life, knowing he would be tied to her as long as she lived. "He wanted to save me, he didn't want me to d-die."

"How do you see your future?"

"My future?"

"With your husband."

A future with Sesshomaru? She never thought about it. She thought she would either be a torn in his side or she would leave when he would chase her out of his apartment. That was no future. Regardless of the outcome between her and Sesshomaru, she had not thought about the future in a long time because she never thought she would have a future in the first place.

"Do you want children?"

The word hit her like a slap on the face. _Children_. She always thought about them, how could she not? She was only fifteen when she took in Shippo after he lost his dad. She was young back then and not truly a mother figure to him but she considered him like one of her own. She loved him, she cared for him. She always thought she would be a mother one day; she was always comfortable around children. She wanted them and she thought that was one more thing that was taken from her. Ever since she was given a second chance, it did cross her mind a few times, in a passing thoughts. Nonetheless, she did not think it would happen. Would she be able to be with someone? The more the bond grew, the more she doubted it and who else would she have children with? It was not going to happen with Sesshomaru.

"We're not planning on it."

"I'm not asking about _we_, I asked if _you_ wanted children."

She sank into the couch, her heart hammering. She wanted to say _no_, lie like she did many times. Except, she was voiceless and she felt the tears forming in her eyes. And with one expression and not a single word, she gave it all away. She gave Dr. Izu reason to think she was not happy with Sesshomaru and that the whole marriage might be falling apart. Unfortunately she could not explain it to her.

"He doesn't."

"We - we haven't talked about it."

"But you're not planning on having children without discussing it?"

"I just know." He was only going to sleep with her because he had to - he certainly would not be having any children with her. On top of that, she had not forgotten his hatred of hanyous.

"And it doesn't bother you?"

Kagome shook her head. It killed her inside but - _it was her sacrifice_. He risked a lot for her, he made himself uncomfortable and he had to do all the things he did not want to do only because he saved her life. It cost him a lot to be with a human, to eventually lay with one, and she would give back the same sacrifice. She would not have the one thing she wanted to have. It would be an arrangement where nobody would win but where everybody _lived_.

Dr. Izu remained silence, watching her face and probably observing every single emotions passing through her face. Kagome was an open book and no matter what she did, she could not hide the way she felt. All she could was hope her lies went along with whatever feeling she was showing.

"How did you meet Sesshomaru?"

Kagome laid her palms flat against her lap, her back rigid with the stress of lies.

Another day, another lie.

-R-

"Come eat lunch with us!"

Sesshomaru resisted the urge or being disgraceful by rolling his eyes at the man's annoying request. Every day he worked, he had to eat lunch like a normal human being; if he always skipped it, people might get suspicious. Unfortunately the way to live in this world was to blend in with these idiots and he had to go through the motions no matter how much it displeased him. However, he usually found a corner, opened a book and ate by himself away from all the morons. He had to work with them and it was enough; he did not need to be having discussions about their mindless problems. Also, he tried to stay away from their disgusting subjects of conversation; it had a very bad effect on him and his dreams.

"I'm fine," he uttered, never raising his head from his book.

"Come on, you're a married man now. You gotta have some things to complain about."

"I'm fine."

Despite Sesshomaru's clear response, the man did not seem to get it. Instead he grabbed his own tupperware and grabbed a chair beside Sesshomaru. He sat down beside him, putting his lunch on the grey table, a smile on his face. "Come one, we won't judge ya. We know she's sick but it doesn't mean that you can't let off some steam."

As if on cue, other men began to gather around his table and he felt his pulsing point on his temple throb with rage. _They were humans_. If they were youkais they would sense the flare in his aura and they would be running in the other direction as fast as they could. Instead, they were completely baffled by his human disguise and they were sitting around him despite the fact that he could snap all of their necks in a split second. He was forced to close his book and set it aside. They were clearly not going anywhere. His second urge was to get up and walk away from them but he did not want to attract the attention on himself. He also did not need any trouble with the boss because of those stupid idiots.

"So, how are you enjoying the married life?"

"It's fine."

His three responses so far were basically the same thing and yet none of them were getting the hint.

"Hey, at least you don't have to worry about stupid shit. She won't be asking for stuff like _are you ready for kids?" _

Kids_. _That idea did not even cross his mind before. Why would he think about children? He supposed Rin counted as a daughter. She was not truly his own but he looked after her until she became an adult. He visited her many times once she had children of her own and he kept on visiting until the day she died. Because like all humans, she _died_. He knew he needed an heir but he always knew Kagome would not be the one to give it to him. She was not the mother he had in mind; not that she would be a bad mother. Clearly she had some skills in the domain but - no. He would not be having any children with Kagome.

But it was not something he would be telling them because it was none of their damn business and he did not want to make friends with them.

"Yeah, mine wants a dog."

"Fuck, I hate dogs."

He quirked an eyebrow but kept his mind shut. Yeah he had an idea why the idiot hate dogs; dogs probably hated him and for a good reason. Idiotic moron.

"Mine has cats."

"Do you have pets?"

"No."

He did not need a dog in his apartment; he was not looking after something else. Also, cats were completely out of the question. He had his problem with members of the feline persuasion and he would never let one in his home.

"No kids, no pets. You got the _life_."

Oh yes, he had the life indeed. He was a prey to his own instincts, his body betrayed him and he was tangled in this whole mess with Kagome. However, there was one difference between him and all of those humans men. He did not gather around in a circle like a cave men, complaining. He made all of his life choices, he decided everything he did, obligation or not, and even though it drove him crazy at time, but he did not complain to them or Kagome. He kept all of his secrets to himself and he dealt with his problems on his own.

He took the last bite of his lunch and then grabbed his plate along with this book. Then, he got up and without a word, he left them. He got a few looks but they seemed to consider he was part of their _conversation_ and they let it slide. Humans could be easily fooled. At least now he knew why he did not want to be around them. They brought more confusion and rage within his head. His hands were gripping the edge of his book while he made it back to his cubicle. He passed through everyone's little offices, all decorated with pictures and drawings clearly made by children. Why did they all speak of it? For them having children meant nothing; they were nothing. They were humans and their lives were fleeting. They were so many of them that even if one did not have children it would make no difference in their legacy.

He was different.

An heir was needed because he was all that was left. The only one who could carry the line.

Inuyasha had children but he was already hanyou and he had children with a human. Who had children with humans and so on. Nobody in Inuyasha's branch of the tree ever had children with youkais. By now, their blood was so diluted that, it no longer held any of the proud youkai blood it once had. It was fine. It was his half-brother's choice and his children's decisions. He could not be this reckless. He had to have an heir, someone that would carry on the name and the blood of his father. He was not foolish enough to think his child would be full blood. The longer he waited, the less that option was viable. In the end, his situation might be the same as Inuyasha, but he would try to preserve as much of their blood as he could.

He was not having a child for the sake of having one, because it was a desire of his. It was his responsibility.

It was the same thing as his father having _him_. He only had him because it was his duty. He never loved his mother because love did not have anything to do with it. He had a responsibility and he took care of it.

Sesshomaru was the same way.

Although, it was true that he took his time because the need never arose. Nobody held his attention, nobody actually provided a reaction out of him. This situation was different since the bond was affecting his reaction to Kagome but did not mean anything. He would wait to have his heir until the situation was not _required_ out of him and when he would find the appropriate person to be the mother of his child.

Until then, until Kagome was alive, he would wait.

-R-

The sun was low in the sky by the time Sesshomaru arrived home. He had expected Kagome to be sitting on the couch or be locked in her room by the time he arrived from work. However, he found the apartment completely empty with no sign of her presence. She was gone _again_. It was the second time this week. She had asked for the number of the insurance and then he saw her leave. He did not ask because it did not concern him. Nonetheless, he would be lying if he said it did not intrigue him at all. He told her to live her life as she wished and he intended on respecting that. He would not ask because if she wished to know, she would tell him. If she had not shared her recent activities it was because it was none of his business - it was the same way he felt about his colleagues.

It was getting late by the time he heard the handle twist open and the sound of keys jiggling. She popped into the apartment, her ponytail messy and a coat of sweat covering her body. Her eyes were darting and her breaths were huffed. She closed the door behind her and finally made eye contact with him. She stared at him, clearly expecting him to ask her a few questions but he did none of that. Instead, he resumed typing away on his laptop as though it was completely normal, because it was.

"Sorry, I'm late," she said she dropped her bag by the side of the desk.

She meant to arrive earlier but her mother was stuck and Kagome had to wait for her to pick her up. She could have called Sesshomaru but she did not want to bother him with something that had nothing to do with him. Also, the bus was out of the question since she was not familiar with the area where Sesshomaru lived, she did not know which bus to take. Because of that, she was unable to arrive before he actually arrived home. Obviously, it would not bother him but she thought the proper thing to do was apologize. He might have worried about her and her safety since she did not inform him she would be leaving the house.

"You do not owe me an apology."

"Still," she said as she fanned herself with her hands. She rushed up the stairs and it might have been one of the worst idea she had. She clearly overestimated the kind of energy she was. Running up stairs was not part of the things she could do yet.

She marched in direction of the kitchen, opening the fridge, her eyes scanning the options. She was not very hungry but she knew if she did not eat it would not help her. Her appointment with her therapist was not very good. The more they went into the topic of Sesshomaru, the more she became a nervous wreck. How was she supposed to keep a straight face in front of her now? It was clear she knew something was up, even though she did not know just how bad it was. Eventually, if she kept this up, she would need a lot more answers and she did not know how to give them. No, the problem with herself was not all about Sesshomaru but his presence in her life did affect her. If she wanted to fix herself, she would have to deal with it. And the inevitable fact that she would sleep with him.

Even now, she only took one glance at him and she felt the effects. Sesshomaru was always proper, dressed without a flaw in his clothes. This time, he was sitting at the desk with the top button of his white shirt open and his blue tie slightly loosened. There was something on his mind; there had to be or he would not be like this. He was not a mess but in the Sesshomaru equivalence he almost was. Clearly he would not share with her and she would not blame him because she was doing the same exact thing. There was no real reason to keep it from him and if he did ask, she would tell him. Even though he would probably think it was a bad idea. But she would not lie to him. She would omit until he asked. And he would never ask.

She grabbed an apple from the refrigerator and then closed it. She took a bite before leaning over the counter. It was strange; leaving the house and then returning. She almost felt like a normal person. It might be one little event but it got her out of the house which never happened to her. Online classes. A relationship with Sesshomaru. All of it involved staying stuck in the house and never experiencing the sunshine on her skin. She watched him as he typed away, probably working from home like he often did. It did make her notice that he was a little bit like her. He never got out of the house, except for work, he followed the same routine all the time and he never did anything that involved going out into the world.

But he was not like her.

He did not need human contact, he never did. He almost always traveled alone and he did not seem that he was someone who trusted many people. Actually, he did not look like he needed contact with others. He was quiet and kept to himself.

Meanwhile, Sesshomaru could hear her chewing while she stared at him intensively. Why was she doing that? Could it be that whatever she did outside of the house had something to do with him? Or - or was it something similar to his wretched dream that forced him to soil his sheets? The part of his dream was not wrong; Kagome never demanded anything from him, no matter her need. He did catch her taking care of the problem herself when she could have come to him. After all, he did come to her when the need showed up and was too much to handle. Except for recently. No, now he was trying to keep a distance between them. It was hard to do that when he could feel her eyes on him.

Already, he felt the familiar twitch in his pants and he felt a rage spread through him. He had this reaction only because she was looking at him? It was not right. It should not take such a small thing to bring a reaction out of him. And yet, there he was clenching his hand into a fist. He pressed his lips until they turned white and he closed his eyes, taking in a deep breathe.

Kagome let her apple drop on the counter, her lips parting at the same time. Her eyes shone and glossed over while she found herself unable to look away from him. She did not even want to be staring at him. However, she felt a pull, a need to close the distance between them. She felt nothing and then, suddenly it overwhelmed her. It started in the pit of her stomach and now it made her chest flush red. She raised a hand and touched her lips, her chest heaving while her heart pounded. She had to grip the counter to prevent herself from taking a step forward. She had to look away from him and forget the desire rising through her. It had been a rough couple of days and it would be normal that her instinct would be to find comfort in his arms. The bond wanted that; they should want to be together.

The only situation would be to go lock herself in her room.

She licked her lips and forced her eyelids shut. Once the contact was broken, it became slightly easier to breathe. She took a few seconds to gather herself and then she pulled away from the counter, her fingers still crisped from the way she held on. Her steps were slow and she tried to keep herself quiet even if he could hear her no matter what she did. She simply wanted to keep the attention away from herself. If he looked at her, he would be able to tell and she did not want him to know how she was feeling.

Except he did see her.

From the corner of his eye he saw her begin to walk towards her bedroom. It was hard to miss the flush on her face; she was so pale. Her whole body was stiff and she was barely breathing every time she moved. His blood was rushing downwards and he could tell that the reason why it was getting worst and worst; she was feeling it too and it was throwing the feelings back in his face even more intensively. He was right; his desire came from hers. Perhaps his sleeping mind could process information about the situation better than his awake brain. The best decision would be to stay sitting down, despite the fact that he would no longer be able to work, his mind too distracted. And she did do what he expected her to do; she was hiding herself in her bedroom where she might take care of the problem on her own.

Because he would be able to ignore that right.

He did so well the last time.

Images began to flash through his mind and he held back the rumble that wanted to roar from his throat. It was over; he was done. He was already erect and uncomfortable and there was no way this was going away. He managed to make it days without touching her, without tasting her and now his strike was over? He was going to have to follow her into her bedroom. He punched the side of the desk, feeling some of the wood crack beneath his skin. He was screwed. His chest was puffing while he breathed and he forced himself up. His sight was hazed while he headed for her door. He did not knock, he did not ask for permission. He opened it and he saw her jump, startled, as he marched in her direction.

He was looking at her like she was his prey and it only increase the desire building inside of her. She remained standing up, never breaking the eye contact. He kept walking towards her and her skin began to sizzle. He did not really want her; he simply could not help himself. And she did nothing to stop him when he put his hands on her waist, his tall height hovering over her. She could not move, she could not breathe; he was going to kiss her and she wanted him to do it. It had been a while since he touched her and now her body was craving the attention that it had been denied. It wanted to make up for the loss time and she could hardly stop the desire surging through her. She wanted his hands on her.

And he gave her what she wanted.

He leaned forward and he captured her lips with his own.

She lost herself in the taste of his lips, leaning forward, wanting more of the contact. It was full of lust and none of the feelings were present and yet it did not mean anything to either of them.

He went to her on an impulse. It was not calculated and he was giving in way too quickly. He should be slowing it down but it was the same thing as when he left her for days. He kept too much locked inside and now he was paying the price. Why did part of him knew it would come to this and yet he did nothing to prevent this situation from happening?

The tip of his fingers slid under her shirt and he felt the softness of her skin under his touch and he twitched in his pants. He exhaled against her lips, his breathe tickling her. His lips were away from hers, it was the time to walk away. It was the time to let go of her and go back to his own room. _Touch himself_ if he had to but walk away from her no matter the cost. But her tiny hands were there, resting on his arms, squeezing him, keeping him lock in place even though she did not have the strength to keep him there. He stayed and dove in again. This time, he did not go for her lips, he went for her neck. He lapped at it, feeling the dent of her mark underneath his tongue. He nibbled at it and he felt her turn into a puddle in his arms. Her knees buckled and desire flushed through her body, her skin heating under his touch.

His hands rose up, following the trail of her spine. He meant to keep his mind clear but instead, all he thought about was the dream he had; Kagome on her knees, her lips wrapped around his cock. His nostrils flared, and the memories were enough to let his control slip a little. He was Sesshomaru, he kept control, he did not mingle naked with anyone. He was not going to be subdue by anything. And yet, desire pulsed through his head and he _needed_ it. He needed his fantasy to become reality, he needed more than a few touch of her arms and the taste of her lips. This was the one situation he feared might happen. If he let this built up too much, he would lose complete control. In order to keep a little control, to keep in charge of the situation, he would have to willingly relinquish a little bit of it.

It was the only way to not lose himself completely and it was completely foreign territory. He did not like it.

Yet, he did it, he let himself slip. He used his grip on her and began backing her against the bed. Before she even had time to breathe, he dropped her on the bed, himself on top of her. Her eyes darted, observing his face, probably searching for an answer to everything that was happening. Instead of giving her one, he went back to her neck, letting his fangs graze on her neck. She quaked under him and the scent of her arousal filled his nose. She enjoyed it. Of course she would; she was under the same spell he was. It was impossible for her not to react to his touch.

Kagome buried her nose in his hair, choking, unable to breathe. There was a pressure on her chest and she felt herself suffocate. Her head was spinning. He never touch her like this before. All of his touches were calculated and whenever he felt himself losing control, he stopped. This time, it was new. She did not know where this was headed, she did not know what he was expecting from her and wanted she wanted to give it all. She never felt this way before; _she_ was out of control. He touched her before and she went along with it but it was always a followed plan. Every time, she wanted something from him, she took care of it herself. This time, the urge that was wrapping around her head, she let it win.

He pushed his hands further up her back, causing her shirt to rise up past her navel, revealing her stomach to him. He should not like this, it should not excite him but it did. He removed his lips from her neck and instead, focused on this new little place. He put his lips on her skin, watching her arch her back. This low, he could _smell_ her and he growled against her flesh. The sound rumbled through her and she shivered. He dared to higher and higher until the shirt was barely covering her breasts and he could see the underside of them. They were much smaller than before but it did not mean they caused his lost to decrease; it was quite the opposite. He had not gone that far yet and he should stopped it but - _but he had to give a little to retain what he had_.

While he kept his face against her heated skin, he raised his gaze and looked into her eyes. "May I?" he whispered.

She wanted to speak but for the second time that day, she was voiceless and instead, she nodded. Part of her thought she would die if he did not give her more. It was the same deal as always and despite some of the feelings it might arise in her, it was worst to deny herself this than to do this without love. This was more painful because it was beginning to be more than her body that needed it, it was her mind. Lately, they talked less, they saw less of each other because of what was happening, but before they realized what was the bond was doing to them, they talked, they did activities together and he even lifted her spirits when he did not need to. There was a reason why he was the pillar in her life why, he gave her a reason to go on by comparing her as a youkai.

Now, they had less of a psychological relationship then before.

But this also made them closer to each other.

Finally, the dreaded moment arrived and he used his hand to push the shirt above her breasts. Her soft pink nipples were erect and they became his target. He inched himself forward until he was close enough to capture it in his mouth. He wrapped his lips around it, licking it and tugging at it. She pushed her body into his, a loud moan escaping her lips. She twisted her body in pleasure beneath his and he kept going. He wanted to taste everything about her; it was becoming an addiction that he needed to feed. He removed one of his hands from her back and moved it to her breast, kneading it. He could feel her dampness growing by the second, soaking right through her underwear.

Kagome found herself grabbing at his shirt, trying to find something, anything, to hold on to and help her bear the way his touch overwhelmed her. She was usually shy, she kept to herself but this time she wanted to take from him. It would make her feel _better_. Her hands were trembling, both because of the stress and the feelings that he provided her with, and she managed to grab at the second button of his shirt. Her actions caused him to stop in the middle of his. He felt her fingers clasping against the button and then she waited.

"Ma-y- I?"

Her question was not asked with as much confidence as his but he did not miss the little _playfulness_ she used by imitating him.

"Yes," he replied, staring right into her eyes.

He often touched her but she did not often do it.

Sesshomaru pulled himself away from her which allowed her to sit up. In that new position, it was easier for her to slowly begin undoing his buttons one by one. Slowly, she revealed his chiseled chest. She could not tear her eyes away from him and she barely managed to keep her hands steady until she reached the end. Once it was done she raised her hands up and tugged it off his shoulders, watching it slide off his arms. It dropped on the floor and she held her breathe. She always knew he was beautiful, handsome and without a flaw; she was not wrong. Her cheeks were heated but she did not care. The need inside of her became painful and she swallowed hard, trying to keep her composure. Her eyes traveled to every muscles, every plane of his body until she had memorized them.

This was serious. It was getting to a point where it had never gone before.

He leaned forward, grabbing the edge of her shirt. Since she had shifted her position, her shirt had gone back down, covering her body again. He slowly began to lift it, and she did not even flinch. Instead, she lifted her arms, allowing him to slip it past her head. Her heart was painfully pressing against her rib cage but she acted as though she was calm. The cold air wrapped around her body while he tossed her shirt on the floor along with his. Under his careful eyes, she could barely stay still. His eyes looked at every part of her since he could see her clearly. It was not a pretty sight and she did not care about the bond or anything else; he could not be attracted by this. Her ribs were sticking out, her stomach was hollowed, her collarbones were poking at the flesh and her breasts were small.

She had the body of a sick girl because it was what she was.

And yet, no matter how she tried to find the disgust reflecting in his eyes, it was not there. Instead, she saw the need.

She wanted to shut her mind, she did not want to let it come up to conclusions, but it did anyway. The bond did not force her to like his body. She found it attractive all on her own. This need deep inside of him, could some of it come from him _wanting her_? Appreciating her body? She hated her body. Every time she looked at it she wanted to shut her eyes and never open them again. But he was _looking_ and the bulge in his pants was not going away. Ever since the changes in her body happened, she never felt attractive. She also heard the words those women whispered. And yet there he was, looking at her with need and want in his eyes. He wanted to touch her. She felt _desirable_. And it was wrong because - because he would never love her and she would not love him. But he always gave her strength.

The intensity of her feelings nearly turned her blind as she stared ahead. "Ca- can you.. T-touch me."

And there he was, standing in his fantasy and it was getting harder and harder to separate the two of them. It was dangerous. Now that he was looking at her, almost naked, he knew this was the slippery road he was always steering away from. However, she hardly asked and he would give this one time. He would keep himself in check because that was who he was. But for the first time, it would cost him to be himself. It was a price that would take everything he had simply not to give in.

But he owed her that much. He went in without knowing everything and he was messing with both their lives. Even if she got the price of her life. He would not let her suffer the need without doing anything at all.

He wrapped his arms around her, pressing the chests together and he kissed her again. She put her arms around his neck, bringing their faces even closer. They kissed, something her tongue lapping over her lips, but never demanding for entrance. His hands touched every surface of her skin, caressing it, sending jolts of pleasure through her. Her fingers tangled in his hair, relishing in the softness of his locks. Quickly, she found herself on her back again with him on top of her. Her legs were around his waist, almost completely wrapped around it. Every time he moved, he shifted, his cock touched her core and she dampened even more. She dug her fingers in his shoulders, scraping at his skin.

Sesshomaru tore his lips away and began descending once more. He pressed kisses on her jaw, along her neck, between her breasts, all the way to her navel. His hands squeezed her sides before he reached the edge of her jeans. They both knew the bottom clothing had to remain on or they would do something neither of them were ready for and yet it did not stop him from lowering his nose even more. He buried it against her clothed core, taking in all of the sweet scent he had been keeping himself away from. As he buried his nose deeper, she felt it press against her and she was forced to tangle her legs with his body. Her hand were tempted to touch his head but she kept them on his shoulders.

This was not the position he had in mind; no instead, he had wanted her in a submissive pose. Yet it did not make him detach himself from her. It was getting harder, harder than he anticipated; his prize was right in his face and he had to turn around and walk away from it. He knew he said he would help her because she needed his touch but it was almost too late. He wanted to lick at her, he wanted to taste it. If he did that it was over; if she was naked he was going to take her. His cock hurt from the strain of being so erect. He had to pull away. He gathered all the strength he had and then he pulled himself away from the safety of her and her spicy scent of arousal. He saw the confusion shining in her eyes and he leaned forward, his face hovering above hers.

"I cannot."

She breathed loudly, her lips bruised from the attention they so recently received.

"If I do this, I will do something we are not ready for."

There it was. Sesshomaru was a man of honor. And he did not say something he was not ready for, something she was not ready for. He said _we_. He found a way into her life and it appeared she had managed to find a way into his. He was considering someone other than himself and he was not covering himself with the excuse that it was only her. It was them, as a whole.

She felt him shift, laying down beside her, before snaking his arms around her and holding her close and despite the rage from being cut off from the amazing feeling, the need growing inside of her, she felt a certain safety.

He did a lot of things for her.

He put himself in an uncomfortable situation for her.

And he respected her.

Suddenly, all the questions Dr. Izu asked her started to make sense because she started to have answers for them.

She did not avoid talking about him because she would be lying. She did not forgo all the good moments because they did not matter.

She avoided talking about him because…

He might be immune to love, he might not have feelings and she might not be in love with him but…

She could no longer say she felt nothing for him.

And now that feeling of hopelessness in her chest was worst than ever.

-R-


	18. The Provenance

**A/N:** Wow, so many reviews. Seriously thank you, everyone has just giving me such energy that, I'm always inspired to write Red Lotus and I always end up writing longer chapters than usual.

I know things may seem a little slow but I have this whole thing planned out and I need to lay the foundations because... a few big things are coming in the next chapters and I need it to be all set up! I mean if you really read careful, you might just guess wha'ts coming. ;)

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 18: The Provenance**

Silence.

She did not like it. In fact, she despised it. It made her uncomfortable, it left her with her own thoughts and she hated that. It was probably the reason why Dr. Izu thought it was a great idea to let a silence fill the room while she scribbled down some notes. _What in the world could she even be writing about?_ Kagome had barely said anything since she got into her office. How could she? She was afraid to blur out that she had feelings for her husband. Which in a normal situation would be what was _expected_ but in her case it was just a whole lot of trouble and confusion. It was actually something that kept her up at night. How could she sleep, how could she rest, knowing how she felt about Sesshoomaru?

What she had with Sesshomaru - it was supposed to be physical, a bond bringing them together.

She certainly was never meant to have feelings for him. Granted, it was not as though she was in love with him. _Then_ she would be really screwed. No, it was more just - she liked him. She wished she could deny that truth but it was impossible. She was not like him; she could not remain emotionless. The events kept pilling up and it was hard to ignore all the little things that made her like him. She should not but she did. Obviously, she had no intention on telling him; it was not as though he felt the same or ever would. It would only complicate their situation further. Plus, it might eventually go away. She was overwhelmed with too many emotions. Sadness, desire; they all swirled together inside of her.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Good," she answered almost too quickly.

Izu nodded. "What did you do today?"

"I came here."

What else could she do? She made sure to take her appointments in the morning, a little after Sesshomaru left for work. She wanted to be home before he returned. Except that, her choices were limited. She did not have a vehicle, not that she could drive one anyway, and she had nowhere to go. She already felt bad enough that her mother had to drive her around, she would not ask for more than that.

"I know you are taking online classes. Are you still doing that?"

"Yes."

"What about work?"

Kagome shifted in her seat, slightly uncomfortable. "I thought about it." She was stuck in a house all day long; who would not think about getting out? "But, I'm still recovering and I don't really have any work experience." Getting sick right after coming back from the past did not really allow her to build a great resume.

"There are a few things you could do."

"What kind of things?"

"You could begin with some volunteer work. A lot of cancer foundations welcome recovering patients."

She had not thought about that. Kagome did not like being the _cancer girl_, or the way people spoke about her or _judge_ her - like those awful women. She did not need anyone commenting on her body's state or anything like that. And she hated the looks of pity, god did she hate those. If she went in a place like that… it would be all she got. On top of that, there would be the guilt. She was going to get better, there was no doubt about that. There was no way her cancer would return. However, the same could not be said about all the other patients in remission. She was lucky, she had a gift that they did not have. How could she look them in the eye knowing she got off easy and they would always have that threat looming over their heads?

"I'm not sure if it's a great idea."

Dr. Izu nodded. Then, she leaned to the side and retrieved a few pamphlets from her briefcase. "In case you change your mind," she said as she handed them over to her.

"Thank you," she replied as she took them. She stuffed them in her bag and leaned back into her seat. She forced her knees together, causing the extra loose fabric of her jeans to bundle. Maybe clothes shopping should be on her list. Although, with what money could she buy new clothes? The best thing to do was wait until she could fit back into her old clothes.

"Do you go on any dates with your husband?"

_Again_. Dr. Izu often changed the subject back to Sesshomaru. Kagome was starting to think she had her suspicions about what was going on. She did realize Kagome had feelings for him before she herself came to that conclusion. She did not like this. She knew she needed this therapy, this counselling and everything that came with it; she could not escape the spiral of darkness on her own. However, some of the realizations she made in therapy were terrifying. She was not certain she wanted to dwell further on some topics. _Sesshomaru _being one of those topics.

"He's really busy with work. And _I_ - it's hard and I mean -" Some words were left unspoken because she was ashamed to say them out loud. Yet, as she watched her therapist, her bottom lip trembling, she saw that Dr. Izu was _waiting_ for her to complete her sentence. Why did she have to torture her like that? "People stare."

"At you?"

She nodded.

She did her best to ignore them and truly, she was doing better than before. When she last attended an event for Sesshomaru's work, she was more comfortable in her skin. Regardless, a date involved a lot of public and unwanted attention and she was not sure she was ready for that step yet. Also, Sesshomaru was not a big fan of the human world and why in the heck would he want to go on a date with her? He did take her out when he first found her but he thought she was dying and - well it was not exactly a _date_. Anything that was done out of an obligation could not be a date.

"How do their stares make you feel?"

"Weird. Like I should be ashamed of myself."

"Why?"

"Because they judge, and they stare _and they don't even know!_" The last bit came out angrier than she anticipated, her eyes widening at her own tone of voice.

"What about Sesshomaru?"

"What about him?"

"How does he feel when people stare?"

She wanted to scoff but she held herself back. Sesshomaru was not one to concern himself with the opinions of _lowly humans_. "He doesn't care. He's really good at ignoring that kind of stuff." He did not care that people saw him with her. He did not care about their harmful words. He ignored it all and he went on with his life as though they were ignorant insects. She truly envied that about him.

"So it doesn't bother him?"

"Never."

He even tried to help her, fix her, when she let those kind of words hurt her. She never knew why he did it but it was just one of those things she could add to the growing list of _reasons why she might like him_.

"I think you should try going on a date with your husband."

"_What_?"

"I believe it might be good for you."

It would be the last thing that would be good for her. Ever since she had that _realization_, she knew she had to try and limit their interactions to the physical ones. If she went on a date, they would have to talk and - _and she would be bothering him_. She was an obligation, she imposed on him, on his life. He made a sacrifice and allowed her to live. The least she could do was make his life was bearable as possible. She refused to burden him further.

"I'll try," she lied.

What else could she do? She could not tell her the truth.

"Kagome, may I ask you a question?"

Kagome felt her blood freeze and suddenly, she held her breathe. Her fingers fumbled with the hem of her shirt while she managed to nod. Dr. Izu had never asked her permission to ask questions before. It almost left her terrified to know what the question was. She ran her tongue over her lips, a ball of stress stuck in her throat.

"Are you physically active with your husband?"

Oh. Oh. _Oh!_ Kagome felt the heat rush to her face and she was forced to look at the ground, unable to hold her therapist's glance. Memories of caresses and touches traveled through her mind while she had to crisp her hands to prevent them from shaking. Her ears turned red and she began to shuffle her feet. What could she answer to that? Dr. Izu could easily tell she was embarrassed and there was no point denying it. It was a bit easier to lie when it was about how they met, what they did but their sex life? Could she pull that one off?

"Hm, we- hm." They never had sex. Would that be right? Married couples had sex why would they not? Most importantly, why did she ask? Did she see something? _She had to know!_ It was the only explanation for all the questions. "We haven't," she finally admitted in a rushed breath.

"You haven't been lately?"

_Why_, why, why. She was going to make her say it wasn't she?

Kagome swallowed hard. "We've never…"

And then she saw it; surprised. It did not show, there was not even a twinkle of it in Dr. Izu's eyes but Kagome knew she was surprised. How could she not be? It was not normal. Then again, nothing about their relationship was normal.

"I - I was waiting until marriage and then - I was so sick…" Sort of a lie, sort of the truth? Even if she had been interested in Sesshomaru, she had been too weak back then. As for waiting for marriage, it was the respectful thing to do. She never truly thought about it, she was never given a chance, but she might have gone down that route.

"And since your recovery?"

"It's em, well, physical… it's - hard…"

"You're not comfortable in your body?"

No. Yes. No, she was not but it was not the only reason why. Then again, she thought she would feel disgusting when he would see her, look upon her body but it was quite the opposite. It made her feel attractive because he _wanted_ her. Still, she would have to lie on this one. At least it made more sense than the reality.

"No."

Dr. Izu scribbled down with her pen and Kagome held her breathe.

"You should try being physical with your husband. Slowly. Little things. Things that make you both happy and comfortable. It should not be an obligation, it should be fun."

Well, they were already doing that and she highly doubted that whatever they did made either of them comfortable or happy. It was a task, it was something they did because they needed it. The simple fact of thinking about it had her dying from shame.

She did manage to nod but she refused to look her in the eyes.

Sesshomaru and her fooling around _for fun_. And comfortably.

That was never going to happen.

-R-

"_Sesshomaru!_"

At the sound of his name, he rubbed his lips together, turning them white. He composed himself and then turned his head to look at his boss. "Sir?" he asked, the word leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

"How are you today?" he inquired with a smile as he leaned against Sesshomaru's cubicle.

"Fine."

His boss brought his white mug to his mouth, revealing the _#1 Dad_ that was written in black on the side. When he spotted Sesshomaru staring at it, he grinned. "My son gave it to me for my birthday. Nice huh?"

"Yes." No. It was just a stupid mug.

"Maybe you'll have one of your own one day."

"Yes, perhaps."

"Have you and your wife talked about having kids?"

Sesshomaru held back the sigh that was burning in his lungs. Why was everyone trying to pry into his private life all of the sudden? He was usually invisible, blended in with the background and everyone left him alone. Ever since he married Kagome, everyone had been all up in his business, asking him question after question. It was true that marrying a cancer recovering woman did attract a bit of attention - more than he had hoped. Plus, why did everyone insist on asking if he planned on having a family? He probably looked old enough in human years to be a father but - it did not mean he wanted to be one. Most of these fools did not have kids and nobody bothered them about it. Why him?

"Not really."

Sesshomaru was a good worker. He did all of his work on time, it was flawless and he never caught him goofing around in the office. Really, he was a model employee, except for one thing; he was not very social. He did not talk, he never joked, he never went out of his way to have a conversation. He could have gotten a promotion already, but he was hesitant to give him one. He did plan a wonderful event with his wife but - he felt some of that came from her rather than him. He could not afford to have someone like that in a more important position. He would need to socialize and speak with a lot of important people. Could Sesshomaru pull it off? At least if he had a family it would make him more likeable, and it would give him a way to bond with people.

Perhaps one day he would be ready for a more important position. Not today though.

"You should. You would have wonderful kids. You're wife is absolutely magnificent."

"Yes, she is."

"Well, good work, Sesshomaru. Keep at it."

His body was less rigid and stiff as he felt his boss leave. At least it did not last during the whole lunch like with those idiots the other day. He wanted them all to leave him alone. He wished he was back in the feudal era where he could pulse his aura to chase away all the unwanted attention. Unfortunately, things were different in this new world. Kids, marriage. It was all those people thought about. Idiots. Did he not have enough problems with Kagome as it was? _That night_. Two nights ago - he almost slipped. He meant to take more than usual but he almost took everything. Since then, it was difficult to take a step back. He remembered the feelings, the sights and it was hard to return to holding her at night.

He wanted her, he wanted her body.

He had meant to push back the inevitable as much as possible and now he felt like he was losing the fight.

At night, he was plagued with even more fantasies and - _he might have to give into one of them_. If he did that, he would avoid taking her. It was a hopeless fight but he would be ashamed of himself if he did not fight it as long as he could. He was not a mindless animal, he did not have to give into his urges the moment they pulsed through him. He had to be the one in control.

_A kid_.

Did he not explain himself enough on the topic? He would first try to find a suitable youkai, and then think about it. If there were no options, he might consider diluting his bloodline, which was a fact he might have to accept. Still, the time was not now. Why would he want a child…with her? Granted, it was something he perhaps should have done in the past when he had more _options_. When was the last time he saw a full blooded youkai? It had been a while. And he certainly did not see any female. He sighed. It was all their faults; they kept talking about family and kids. It was never a topic that bothered him before. So he would have to do what his half-brother did. Because the more he waited, the less options he had.

So what?

He turned his head to the side, staring into one of his co-workers' cubicle. Like many others, he had pictures of his family cluttering his desk. One of them was his wife - at least Sesshomaru assumed it was - and the other was their child. The woman had long dark locks and bangs which reminded him of how Kagome used to look like. She also used to be a mother to a child about that age. The fox. She was a good mother to it - at least he assumed she was. The child was always well when he saw it and he turned out to be a fine youkai. All because Kagome raised him. Of course she would want children. She was a mother when she was nothing more than a child. Why would that feeling go away?

To have them, she would have to meet someone else. Leave his side.

Which was always the plan was it not?

She should be a mother, she was good at it. And he saved her life so that she could have… a life. There was no reason why she should not.

Yes, she would have to leave and be with someone else. Lay with someone else. _While_ she bore his mark of course.

Which was fine. It was always fine, it was always the plan.

And yet, there was this growl waiting to erupt from him. It was a reaction that was to be expected. Their bond was working awfully hard to get them to complete it. As a mate, he should not want her to be with anyone else. She was supposed to be his. It would a be a reality he intended on dealing with as it would present itself. She was not his even if she was his mate and his wife. He would let her go the moment she would express the need to do so.

Sesshomaru unclenched his hands, which had formed into fists while those thoughts filled his mind. He inhaled deeply and re-focused his attention on the work in front of him. She would have a life of her own and he would do the same. Although, he would more be like waiting it out until humans were no longer the ones in charge anymore. They would fall, they always fell. It was in their natures; they became too greedy and they took too much. It was even one of the reasons he waited to have an heir. If he could not take a full youkai, why would he want one of those tainted humans? Perhaps a hanyou. It would be all that was left.

She would have kids of her own.

He would have an heir on his own.

One day, their paths would lead them in different directions and it was fine that way.

-R-

_Public transportation_.

It was not something she used often, especially in fear that she might not have enough energy to make the whole trip back home. Although, she was starting to realize that she was hanging on to old fears. She was not in a terrible shape; she was doing way better than before and yet she did not trust her body to hold up. Perhaps it was time she started testing her limits; although she would have to do that in a much safer environment than in the bus. She was not a fan of passing out surrounded by all these people she did not know. Perhaps there was something she could try at home? She already knew that stairs were not her friend, so that was a starting point.

Her mother had not been a fan of the bus either. When Kagome had called her to let her know she did not need a ride home, Miyu had been more than hesitant. Still, after Kagome insisted enough, she let her get away with it. She explained to her mother that it was only one bus and it would almost drop her right in front of the apartment. However, her mother did make her promise she would call the moment she would get home. Of course she would. She did not intend on worrying her mother anymore than she had to. She had to try the bus, she had to try and see if she could do it. At least it would relieve her from asking her mother for a ride. She had things to do and she was not her chauffeur.

Plus, it was not so bad. She was sitting down. She looked so sick that people offered her a seat in the crammed up bus. If she could sit down, then she could deal with this no problem. It was not an issue.

She had gone through the trouble of checking the buses that came near the house after the little incident. She did not want to risk arriving after Sesshomaru again. She had not dared to test it yet but - after her session with Izu, she felt like she needed to do something on her own and apparently this was it. This way, she would not have to rely on her mother, on Sesshomaru or anyone else. Although, it did cost money and money was something she did not have. Technically Sesshomaru's money was her money but she did not want to go down that road. He gave her enough as it was and she was not about to take his hard earned money from him. Perhaps she should look into some volunteer work; it would prepare her for the real job market.

Everything was tossing and buzzing in her head.

Too many problems, not enough answers.

As if all of it was not enough, the bus came took a sharp unexpected turn which forced her to the side. She was about to fall off her seat when a hand wrapped around her waist and held her up. Once the bus returned to a straight line, she felt her cheeks burning like fire as the stranger removed his arm from around her. She managed to steady herself and then glanced up at the stranger.

Nothing prepared her for that.

"H-hojo?"

There was a hint of confusion on his face before his features transformed; his dark blue eyes widened, his lips parted and a twinkle of happiness formed in his eyes before his mouth tugged into a smile. "Kagome!" She saw his eyes darting around, probably trying to adjust to her new appearance. "I - wow, it's been so long! How are you?" he asked, obviously excited.

She would be lying if she said she was not glad that he did not mention anything about her short hair or her obvious weightloss. "I'm - I'm good," she said, forcing a smile on her face. "How are you?"

"I'm great! Are you attending Tokyo U as well?"

Tokyo University? This was _the_ bus? Yeah no, there would be no university for her. Probably never. It would take her years to catch up on all the school she missed and frankly, it seemed like an impossible task most of the times. She would do something that did not require university. Life made choices for her and now she had to deal with the cards that were given to her.

"Oh no, I'm just going home."

"You left the shrine?"

"Mhmm," she replied, her lips pinched. Oh boy, this was one story she did not want to get into. Suddenly, she found herself hiding her hand; the one where she wore her wedding ring. She spent her entire morning lying and she did not feel like doing it anymore. She would only see Hojo for a few minutes, she did not want to get into her life story, she did not want to lie. She wanted to just be a normal person with a normal life - for five seconds.

"That's great! I'm so glad to hear that. You were so sick in high school."

She held back the scoff. Yeah, she pretended to be so sick for years and then it actually turned out to be true. Karma was indeed a bitch. "I'm better now." She looked worst than before, but it was the truth.

"I'm so happy. I was so worried about you back then. And then you did not come to class and… _I'm just glad you're okay!_"

She forced another smile, nodding her head.

"Oh that's my stop," he said while he stared out the window. "Do- do you want to get coffee sometimes?"

"Oh - hm." She did not plan on seeing Hojo again. It was a strange meeting in a bus right? She spent her entire high school years trying to avoid the poor guy. Although - this was a different time, a different situation. There was no way Hojo was still in love with her, especially not after all this time. It might be nice… to get out? The tipping point was the fact that not _once_ did she see that look of pity in his eyes. She could try it, she could do it. "Sure."

He smiled brightly at her before opening one of his notebooks. He quickly scribbled on one of the pages and then tore it off before handing it to her. "My phone number. Just text me!" He waved at her while heading towards the door and she waved back.

Kagome watched him get off, her heart hammering. This was overwhelming. She was out and about on her own, in a bus, she was meeting an old friend. For a second there, if she ignored all the little details, it almost felt like she had a normal life and _she longed for it_. This was what it was like to be normal, to not carry around all the baggage she had. Unfortunately, it would never be her reality. Even if she got better, even if she let go of the growing darkness inside of her, all the past, everything that happened to her would still be there. It would be a part of who she was and she could carry it around everywhere she went.

She leaned back into her seat, the blue cushion squeezing beneath her weight. She turned her head, watching Hojo walk towards the life he worked so hard for and she smiled. At least some people's dream came true.

Before Kagome knew it, it was her stop and she pulled on the string. The bus driver came to a stop and she thanked him before getting off the bus. She made her way upstairs, taking her time to go up each step this time. Taking the bus could be exhausting, even if she was sitting down, and she did not want to be out of breathe once she would reach the apartment. Fortunately for her, she was fine by the time she unlocked the door. As expected, the apartment was empty. She dropped her bag beside the door and removed her jacket, hanging on the coat hanger.

She headed for the couch and leaned into it. Kagome looked down at her hands, seeing her wedding ring in her finger. The one she hid. It was not really like she hid it… they were not really a couple. It was all pretends and she was sick of lying. Did that make her a bad person? She was certain that Sesshomaru was not going around, bragging about being married. There was no reason for her to feel bad was there? No, no there was not. He wanted her to go out and have her own life and this was exactly what she intended on doing. _It was fine_, yes it was.

In the midst of her guilt trip, the sound of the doorknob twisting echoed, and she jumped up. Her fingers wrapped around the couch, a hint of worry pulsing through her; who was it at this time of day? It was not until she heard the sound of the key that her heartbeat settled down; only Sesshomaru had the key. Although she did not have a clue as to why he was coming home so early, it was very unlike him. She watched the door, her eyebrows furrowed. She was tempted to say he might be sick but she knew he did not get sick, at least not unless she did. And she had been feeling well for the past little while.

Finally, the door opened and Sesshomaru walked in. Clearly he had not expected to find her staring at him so intensively. He appeared to be taken back for a second but quickly recovered as he dropped his briefcase on the ground. Her lips were pinched and she did not dare to ask any questions. It was the way they worked. He did not ask her where she was and she did not ask him either. It was not a relationship - it was a friendship. She inhaled deeply and finally tore her eyes away from him before focusing her glance on the closed television. _That was not going to be very believable!_ She began fidgeting while she played with the hem of her shirt, much like she would do when she was nervous in presence of Dr. Izu.

Sesshomaru removed his light grey jacket and hung it behind the door. He walked past her and went straight for the kitchen. The television was closed and yet she stared at it.

"There was a power outage at the bank."

"Oh." That explained it.

_She had a layer of sweat on her forehead_. She had been doing something, though he did not know what. There was a flush in her cheeks and she was looking anywhere but at him. There was something he was missing. What was it? He let his fingers trail along the marble counter, his amber eyes watching her, inspecting her. What was it? His nostrils flared for a second and it hit him; there was this scent on her. Sure, she had come on with different scents for the past little while but he knew she had been out of the house, it was normal. No, no this scent was different. Despite his best judgement, he took a step forward and then another. All the while, she never glanced at him. Soon, he regretted his actions.

The scent hit him; it was a man's scent.

It was not someone she bumped into, it was not someone who brushed up against her. The scent was _on_ her - near her breasts. There was another man's scent on her, on her body. He felt a rage slip into his blood, a rumble ready to emerge - one that resembled the growl he emitted when he learned she had kissed his half-brother in the past. He clenched his hands, taking a few deep breaths. He could not let this get the best of him. He wanted to chase the thoughts, the scent away, but slowly, his mind began putting the pieces together. _She left home_. She returned late. She did not tell him where she went. She had another man's scent on her. Was she seeing someone else? _Actually_, just seeing someone… she was not with _him_, she was not cheating on him.

She was not even his.

His lips flattened, his breathing noisy. _She was not his_. He was prepared for this, it was what he thought would always happen. She would find someone else, move on and leave. It was the plan. But if it was the plan, why did it bother him? Someone else touching her first, someone else _taking_ her first. His possessive mind would not let go of those thoughts. Would this be the way he would constantly feel once she would leave? Or was it because the bond was not completely and he _wanted_ her? If he took her, it would go away, he could let her go to her _boyfriend_. But she might not want this anymore. She might wish to be with this new man. She did leave the house for him - often. It was not something she did before.

Meanwhile, Kagome stared at Sesshomaru, wondering why he was looking at her so intensively. He did not have that lustful look in his eyes; it was because of something else. Actually, he almost looked mad, why would he be mad? She tried to follow his gaze only to find herself staring at her chest. Her body's posture loosened and she narrowed her eyes; her chest? _No_, he did not want her, it was not why. The skin was tightened around his eyes, his jaw was clenched and she could see the faint tremble of his body; he was trying to control himself…or maybe calm down? She had seen that expression on Inuyasha before. She blinked, scrambling her brain for an answer when it suddenly hit her; _Hojo_.

He caught her before she fell. She must have his scent all over her.

He was… jealous?

Somehow, she could not quite picture it. Yes, she saw him envious, especially when he wanted Inuyasha's sword but this was something entirely different.

"I saw an old friend today."

Sesshomaru did not like human emotions, she was well aware of that. Often, when she was upset, he did provide her with some wordily comfort. He even went as far as to say she was strong, she should see herself as a youkai. The less she could do was help him calm down from unwanted emotions.

"On the bus. I almost fell and he caught me," she said quietly. "Didn't really expect anyone to recognize me anymore…"

He heard her words but at first it felt like he was in another world. She knew. She knew how he felt. It was the only reason why she spoke up about it. Had he become that transparent? Could he no longer keep it hidden? She knew he was prey to pity human emotions and he let them win. The thoughts of her being with another was enough to break his stoic mask and stir rage inside of his chest. He knew the truth, he knew she would not lie and yet it did nothing to ease the emotions that had risen inside of him. They refused to die down, they refused to go away. It was not enough. The wrath had been set free and he needed a way to lessen it. More than that; he was now curious. He thought she had someone but it turned out to be wrong.

Then where did she go?

It seemed like a recurring event. She kept leaving, she kept returning with foreign scent. Although one always remained the same, it was a hint of lemon furniture polish. Where did she get it? Where did she go?

He was not supposed to ask. She was entitled to her privacy but - but now he wondered. _Today_ she saw someone - an old friend. But all the other days? No he would not ask because it was none of his business. He did not even know why he wanted that knowledge. It would make no difference in his life. Their two lives had become intertwined enough as it was. He did not need to mingle them anymore than they already were. Sesshomaru let his arms fall limp by his side and slowly he closed the distance between them. He sat on the couch, the cushion softening, caving in beneath his weight. He let his back tilt backwards, trying to relax. He could feel her eyes on him, questions burning in them, but just like him she did not ask a single thing. This was what they did. They never spoke - about anything.

"You leave the house."

Her body stiffened, her eyes darted left, and she saw he was looking straight ahead. What did he want her to say to him? She thought he would ask when she first inquired about the insurance's number but he did not. She thought he would ask when she came home after him, but he did not. Why did he want to know why? She should tell him, there was nothing wrong with what she was doing; plenty of people saw a therapist. And yet, she felt a shaking in her bottom lip. Because it was more than that; why did he care? She did not want him to care. She did not want him to be nice or to act like a boyfriend or a spouse might act - because he would never be that person. She was already giving so much of herself to him and… she was not certain she could handle giving more than she already was.

"Yes."

She was not going to tell him unless he asked? He did not want to ask, he did not care. And yet all he could think at that moment was that man's scent on her and how much he wanted to take it away. Was there someone else, except him? Maybe she showered, maybe he never noticed. And yet, he knew Kagome was not the type of woman to go around and sleep around. She was honest and she remained… virginal. The mystery never bothered him. He figured if it was something she wanted to share she would. But now things were different; he wanted to know. A low growl escape his throat and he closed the distance between them. He glanced into her blue eyes and she never broke the stare. He bent over, leaned in until his nose brushed up right beneath her breasts. He looked up at her and she shifted her position, giving him better access.

He was so close, he should be smelling _him_ but instead, he smelled her spiciness. He let the scent sink in and finally, he closed his amber eyes.

She felt him wrap his arms around her waist and her chest shook with each breathe she took. All she could think about was her little session with Dr. Izu and what she told her to _do_. Having Sesshomaru so close, his instincts threatening to kick in, she knew she could not ask him to do any of the things Dr. Izu wanted her to do. Dates were a bad idea for _her_. Physical contact was a bad idea for_ him._ It was simply asking too much of either of them. It was best to pretend it did not work out. She would not ask, she would not demand more than he could give. She also would not tell him more than she could handle and so, unless he asked, she would not tell him. She _needed_ to keep something from him. If she kept secrets, it would taint their relationship. If it was tainted, if she kept things from him, he might remain distant and cold.

And if he did that, maybe she could stop liking him.

Just maybe.

-R-


	19. The Profit

**A/N: **Long chapter again. You know what? I'm just gonna start calling them regular size chapters aha. because clearly this story has a mind of its own and is making me write long chapters now. I hope nobody is bored. I know I take forever with character development, please don't hate me. I know I'm slow and this is why I end up with monster length stories with a million chapters. I promise to try and work on it. I'm so slow. -.-

Anyways, this was written on cold medicine so... have fun!

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 19: The Profit**

His cooking skills were limited, poor at best, but he was attempting to make an effort. During the past week, he found himself observing Kagome a lot more than usual. At first, the reasons behind it were a complete mystery to him and then, little by little, he figured it out. _It was that damn jealousy feeling_. It was the fact that he did not know where she went - and that another man touched her. It was messing with his brain, slowly sending him into madness. He tried to fight it off, he tried to keep himself out of it, but each time she stood in front of him, he searched her for clues. His eyes always wandered to her body, her eyes, hoping something she would do would give it away. She never did. _But_ all that — intensive staring did help him figure out one thing.

Her appetite was returning.

He noticed it very slowly as the week went on. She rarely made food for herself. He figured it was not about her starving herself, a conclusion he came about putting together all the times she expressed dislike for her body, and he concluded it was most likely because she had lost the habit. She most likely could not remember the cues of hunger pains either. But, when food was in front of her, she would eat it -_ all of it_. She had not done that in a long time. Each time she was feed, she would finish the whole plate. She never asked for seconds though. Then again, that was most likely out of habit as well. Regardless, he chose to prepare more food, despite the fact that he did not require it.

Sesshomaru did pick up a few traits of her over time and he knew she was proud. She would refuse the food if he only made it for her - and so he ate. He should not care but eating was part of her recovery. It was no bother to him. And so he began cooking. It was clearly best for the both of them if she began eating more. She would put on weight, she would be more able and she would do more on her own… _which_ was good. Because he needed to learn to deal with this feeling and _again_ it was the whole point of this; for her to be herself and not need him. It would be best if she did not have to rely on him. He would like that as well. _All of those reasons together_ was why he was making her breakfast.

If eggs qualified as breakfast. And _toast_.

On cue, the toaster popped and golden slice of breads jumped out. He flipped the eggs in his pan, breaking the yolk, the yellow running everywhere in the pan. He grabbed the toast, dropping them on a white porcelain plate and returned to his stove.

"Breakfast again?"

He turned his head, his long ponytail of silver strands floating to the left side. "Hn," he quickly replied, dragging his amber gaze away from her form.

Kagome chewed on her bottom lip, taking small steps forward. She ran her fingers through her hair, feeling the dampness of her scalp. It was happening more and more lately; she would wake up covered in sweat, memories of _hot_ dream lingering on. On top of that, she woke up to _blood_ staining her light blue underwear. She had her period - again. It was hard to predict when it would come since the times were far apart and sometimes barely lasted for a day. Today, it was a bit more intense and somehow it made her uncomfortable; especially when she thought about how she ruined his couch that fateful day. The thought of it was enough to make her cringe in embarrassment. She pulled on her loose grey sweater, covering the length of her body with it. She nearly stumbled upon the blue stool as she grabbed it, trying to sit on top. After a bit of struggling, she managed, and she joined him.

There was something suspicious about his behaviour but she could not quite figure it out. "I've never seen you eat this much before." Actually, except during the last little while, she had not seen him eat at all. _Except_ when she was eating.

"I found myself hungry," he replied as he slid the eggs from the plastic white spatula to the plate, right beside the cooling toasts.

"Is that normal," she said as she backed away slightly while he put the plate in front of her. "_Thank you,_" she whispered.

He nodded, accepting her gratitude. "I believe it might have something to do with the bond." _Lying_, he was lying. He was Sesshomaru, he did not lie. He did not truly care enough about anyone's feelings to do something as low as lying. It was dishonourable. He always said his true intentions up front. And yet, he was lying to her. But it was for the same reason as why he was eating breakfast. If he did not, she would not. And she required it. He was lying for a reason.

"_Oh_," was her only reply.

It made sense - but it did make her feel bad _again._

"Well, thanks," she said as she grabbed her metal fork and began digging in.

He quietly joined her, his own plate in his hands and he sat down beside her. It was as he brought the force full fork of eggs to his lips that the scent hit him for the first time; blood. He looked at her, side-eyeing her, trying to be discreet, but his amber orbs widened slightly. It had been a while since he smelled _that_. Sesshomaru steadied his hand as he finally shoved the fork in his mouth and forced himself to swallow. He felt his heartbeat pick up and suddenly, there was a tremble in his chest and he could feel his skin heating up. Beneath his dressed up white shirt, he could feel the sweat forming. _It was affecting him_.

"Do you require a ride anywhere?"

His question forced her to put her fork down on the counter. _Why would he ask that_? "No I'm okay." Lying. Lying was what she had to do. It was the way to keep a distance between them - _an emotional distance_. The whole breakfast thing was certainly not helping. She did not need him to _take care_ of her like this. It was too sweet, to unlike him and it was unsettling. Most mornings, most nights, she did not even know how to react to it all. She often smiled and kept quiet. It was best that way.

He nodded, the questions itching at his throat. He wanted to know but he would never ask. _She had to get better_. He had to let her get better.

"How's work?"

"It is as it always is."

"Did you ever think about doing anything else?"

"_Banking_ was not my first choice."

She was barely able to hide back the smile threatening to form on her lips. "_I figured_. I mean, I know you're limited but…isn't there anything you could do that…you would enjoy a little more than this?"

He offered her a faint shrug. "Nothing is very enjoyable."

Maybe he never looked hard enough? Although, she would not press the issue; he clearly did not want to discuss it. "What about a promotion? Did you ever try for one of those?" Clearly Sesshomaru is a very capable man and he was intelligent, he could hold a more important position without attracting too much attention on himself.

"I do not possess the required social skills for higher positions."

"Smooching people over isn't really your thing huh?"

"Hn."

This time, she had to laugh. She could not picture Sesshomaru as a smooching salesman, pushing people around until they bought his product. "Well, this isn't so bad. You've got your own place. A bit of money." _And he used to have his own little private spot_. Before she came in of course.

"Your presence is not bothersome," he replied, as though he had read her thoughts.

A slight blush swept across her pale, bony cheeks and she gazed away, turning her frail, slender neck away from him. "I know not _everything_ about this is pleasing."

As a matter of fact, that was the whole problem; it was _pleasing_. It felt good to touch her, it felt good to feel her hands upon his body. None of it was painful - at least not physically. Sometimes, even his mind wandered to places he did not want it to go. It was the whole reason why it enraged him most of the time. He did not want to be enjoying himself like this, he did not want to be a slave to his body, and yet he was.

"It is acceptable."

Acceptable. That was one way to describe it. Although she highly doubted that was how he truly felt.

She knew all of this was affecting him more than it should and she was trying to do her part. She had Hojo's number for over a week now and she had never called him; she never found the courage to do it. Sesshomaru reacted…more than she expected and she was not convinced it was a great idea to see Hojo again. He might imagine things that were not actually true. Although - it should not matter. They were not a couple but she owed him some respect. Plus, she did not know if Hojo was how he used to be and _she never told him she was married_. It was bond to bring forth a lot of problems and she was not ready to deal with any of them. Either she lied or she opted to find herself in a quite uncomfortable situation.

Neither sounded fun.

They finished the rest of their breakfasts in silence. When Sesshomaru finished, he grabbed their plates and put them in the sink. Then, he re-adjusted his shirt and grabbed his brown leather suitcase from the wooden floor. He nodded her way, letting her know he was leaving.

"Have a nice day at work," she said as she hopped off the stool. He cooked breakfast; she should do the dishes. It was only fair.

"Thank you," he said as he grabbed his jacket.

Then, he headed out the door and she was alone again.

There she was with no one, nothing. Dr. Izu was on vacation for the week; there would be no appointments for her. No reason to get out of the house. It was her and the dirty dishes from a _couple_'s breakfast.

There was that familiar ping in her heart and she recognized it too well. It was from those unrequited feelings. They had a routine, they ate together, she saw him off to work. It felt like a relationship. But it was not. She could not do this.

She raised her glance and glanced at the phone.

_Should she_?

-R-

"Are you okay?"

There was a ding in her head and suddenly, she was brought back to reality. "Oh, sorry. I got — lost in thoughts," Kagome said with a smile. She tugged the sleeve of her white shirt and then, reached out for her glass of water.

Hojo smiled back at her, as he leaned back into his chair. He looked a lot more older now, his boyish look slowly fading. Or maybe it was because he almost looked like a business man with his deep red tie and white dress shirt. _Which was way overdressing for a café_, but she did not mention it.

"So, what have you been up to?"

_Bad idea_. The day had gone well - until about noon. She had gotten used to leaving the house and actually _seeing the world_. Being cooped up in the apartment drove her mad. Everything there was about him - or even _them_ together. The nightly dreams about him were not helping. The clear feelings of his touch was also hard to remove from her mind. The growing feelings she had for him? They were hell. Once all of that hit her, she stupidly found herself calling Hojo. Although she opted for the lie; she wore her wedding ring - which meant she would have to explain the awfully romantic meeting and love story between her and the love of her life; Sesshomaru. It was going to be _magical_.

"I got sick," she said, stating the obvious first. It was always best to get that out of the way before moving on to anything else. _Though,_ the next part was not quite…yeah… "I got married. I'm taking online classes. You know. A few things."

It was not the _sickness_ or the online classes that fazed him. Nope. It was the whole married thing. She saw it in his eyes the moment she pronounced the word. Clearly he was not expecting it, especially since she made sure to hide it when they saw each other.

"Wow, married?" he said as he ran his fingers through his short, spiked brown hair. "Didn't expect that. I mean - with everything."

"With my cancer," she completed for him.

"That's not what I meant."

"No, it's okay," she said with a wave of the hand. People did not usually find love while infected with a deadly disease did they? Although, to be fair, she had not found love. She found a solution to her problem. _Not love_. "It was rather unexpected."

"Has it been long?"

"Months."

"Wow, well congratulations."

"Thank you, what about you?"

"Oh, not married," he said with a laugh. "I haven't had a lot of time with school."

"Oh." So she might have been right? Then again, she doubted anyone could be attracted to her at the moment. Except Sesshomaru, although he did get a small push from the bond. But nobody in their right mind would see her as beautiful.

"It's fine. I'm not in a hurry."

She had not been either. Her life might have been different if she had been. Actually, many things would have made her life different; including the well working again. If she could have gone back… if she could have gone back… she would have… died there? The cancer would have plagued her regardless of her location. She did not know if Inuyasha's mark would have been enough. After everything that happened the thought of her and Inuyasha together almost seemed silly and funny. She loved him dearly but it simply would not have worked between the two of them. Their relationship would have surely failed. There was too many problems. It was one messed up relationship after the other.

"You'll find the right person eventually," she added with a smile. Everyone deserved love and Hojo was very sweet. Now that she thought back about it, she did feel bad for all the times she turned him down without…really turning him down. She never said yes but she never truly took the time to say no. They were young, how was he supposed to know better when she kept accepting his gifts and even agreed to a date? She should have been more clear.

"I haven't given up yet."

Seeing Kagome after all this time, he _almost_ thought… he was not as blind as he was in high school. Kagome was not interested back then but he was a little insistent. He did not give her his number in the hopes that they would go on a date. He truly wanted to know how her life was going and what happened to her. Especially since it was quite difficult to ignore the way she looked now. He did not have a secret goal in mind or anything. Although, he would be lying if he said he was not disappointed at all by the fact that she was married. He was happy for her however, that despite the terrible thing that happened to her, she did manage to find some happiness along with the love of her life.

Kagome smiled as she took another sip of her coffee.

This was not all that bad.

-R-

His hands were forming fists at his sides while he climbed the stairs one by one. He meant to stay calm, he meant to hide the emotions raging inside of him but it was much more difficult than he anticipated. He remembered when he caught scent of another man on her; it bothered him, it forced him to smother his scent on her. It was a reaction that was beneath him but he did it regardless. Now, now he did not know how he was going to keep himself calm. He wished his co-workers had kept their mouths shut. Instead, they spoke with him, they gossiped. One of them went to get a coffee. Who did they see? Kagome. Kagome with a man. A man that was not him. There was no scent for him to compare so he simply assumed it was the same person… that _friend_ as she called him.

A date.

Did something like that qualify as a date? He was not very… good with human terms.

He never dated.

He had that _date_… with Kagome - back when she was supposed to die.

So what if she had a date? It was well within her rights. Plus it did confirm the suspicions he had about her constantly leaving the house. She was seeing someone. Although - no. Would she not tell him? She would. She would not know she had to keep something like this away from him. None of it made sense. His brain was buzzing, his heart was racing and rage was stirring inside his chest, banging in his rib cage like an animal demanding to be let free. He would not mention it, he would not say anything. He always, always told her to be free with her own life and he was not about to comment on how she chose to spend her free time. He always remained indifferent; it should not be difficult to play the part.

He inhaled deeply, his silver bangs swept to the side, as he wrapped his fingers around the golden handle. He turned it open, finding an empty living room. However, Kagome was home; she was in her room. He closed the door behind him and dropped his brief case to the ground. He loosened the light grey tie around his neck, giving himself some breathing room as he headed towards to the kitchen. This would usually be the time when he would make supper for the both of them. He wanted to keep up with his regular routine, he even intended on heading straight to the refrigerator and yet somehow, he found himself heading in direction of her bedroom. Why was she in there? Was she sick? Was she hiding something?

Sesshomaru _almost_ cringed at his own thoughts. This was not who he was.

But he knocked anyway.

"Come in," he heard her say.

And he did.

He slowly opened the door, peeking in. There she was, laying on top of her comforter, a pillow protecting her back from the harshness of the wooden bed headboard, a book in her hands.

"Hey," she said, as she took a sly look from above her book.

"Hello," he said as he let himself in completely. The door remained opened behind him as he took a step forward. He eyes roamed over her body, her bare feet, all the way to her dark grey sweat pants and then to her little hands, clutching around the blue covered book.

"Is something wrong?" she asked when he remained silent. She closed the book and rested it upon her laps as she sat herself up in her bed. There was a strange look in his eyes; one she did not recognize. She frowned, bringing her legs against her chest.

He took that opportunity to sit down on the edge of her bed, uninvited. He did not need to get any closer to recognize the scent. It was that man. She was with him. _Again_. He was a friend, she called him a friend. Were people supposed to smell so much like their friends? Oh and the scent of blood, it was still there. It appeared to be lasting much more than the last time. And it was stronger too. It probably had something to do with her never stopping recovery.

His silence became unsettling. She leaned forward, almost daring to cover his hand with hers but she stopped before their hands actually touched. "Did something happen?"

The closeness, the damn scent, his damn body… it all happened too fast.

Before Sesshomaru actually realized it, he pinned her beneath his body. She was sprawled underneath him, her arms above her head, her legs trapped between his and his body lingering right above hers. He could feel her chest touching his each time she took a deep breathe. Her blue eyes bore into his, confusing twinkling in them as her lips parted. She did not even know why he was doing this. He did not even know why he was doing this. He should be controlling himself, he should be handling this like the kind of person he was. He was not reckless, he was not _this_ impulsive. He did go to great lengths to obtain what he wanted but when did Kagome become something he _wanted_?

"Se-sesshomaru?"

She could feel the heat of his skin as he held on to her wrists, keeping her hand above her head. She could feel the lingering touch of his lips as they were almost touching her face. Instead of replying to her, he lowered his head, burying his face in the crook of her neck. The heat of his body was sending tingles through hers and she closed her eyes.

"Sesshomaru, what's wrong?" she managed to ask.

She would not stop until he answered. They spent too much time not talking. They could not do this every time.

"You saw him again," he said against her skin.

Why did he admit it? It made him look weak and pathetic. And yet the moment the words left his lips, he found himself kissing, devouring her neck, slowly taking away the awful scent.

"Hojo?" she asked, tugging down, trying to free her hands. As soon as he felt the pressure of her pull, he let go and she brought her arms down.

"Hojo," he repeated, the name leaving a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

She brought her hands up, resting them against his back. His mouth was demanding; he was almost forceful. He was taking without asking. Not that she minded. Every time his lips made contact with her skin, she felt like she was turned to liquid fire.

"He's a friend."

Another kiss. This time lower. His lips were dragging down the collar of her shirt, almost showing the beginning of her breasts.

"We had coffee."

He knew what they had. Everyone had the office made sure to share with him every little detail - as though he was supposed to know it, as though they were doing him a favour. He brushed it up. He said out loud that they were long time friends. That his wife was not cheating on him or having a secret rendez-vous. Deep inside, his _rational_ side knew that. However, he was not all rational. He was animalistic in his core. He was a beast. And he did not like the fact that she was covered with another man's scent. He lowered his body, brushing their chests together, tangling their legs. She threw her head back a bit while he snaked her hand at her waist, fingers teasing the flesh of her stomach.

Her lungs were on fire, she was breathless as she let the jolts of electricity travel through her. She wanted to explain but the feelings were too much to bear. It hurt. They were not a couple and he was jealous again. It tingled at the feelings she tried to keep buried deep inside. Sesshomaru would never be that man, he would not take her on dates, he would not love her. He respected her. He took care of her. He wanted her. It should have never been enough. It was not enough for the old Kagome but it was enough for this one. She hated herself on good days, she was miserable and not a lot of things made her smile. But he did. He reminded her what it was like to feel that emotion bubbling inside of her. He reminded her that she could feel desirable and that all her flaws did not have to be flaws.

Was it so bad that she wanted to give in?

She lowered her hands until they were mimicking his; right at the edge of his shirt, ready to flatten themselves across the plane of his abs. _And she did it_. She ventured her hands inside, touching his warm skin, feeling the bumps of muscles beneath her fingertips. For a second, she had flashes of her dreams and her body quaked beneath his. It was all he needed to do the same. His hands slipped under her shirt, roaming the skin of her stomach, feeling it cave in and rise up again as he made his way to the bottom of her breasts. He knew her _friend_ never got that far but he still felt the need to touch her, cleanse her of that stench. He pulled his face away from her neck, already missing the feel of her smooth, pale skin.

"Is this -?" he did not even know the word for it.

He was aware of what he looked like. He came in, almost accusing her, he was rubbing his scent on her. He felt out of control. He hated it; he wanted to get back his control. If he could just tame himself, chase away the scent, it would be soothing and it would be easier for him to control the hurricane happening inside of him.

"It's okay."

For a moment, it felt like a passion, like a reckless moment between lovers. She knew better, she knew what they were. Although, sometimes, it was easy to forget. Maybe she wanted to forget. It was going to happen. Was it so bad if every moment felt _real_? It might not help her, it might make her fall faster but - was there a downside to pretending? If it _felt_ real, should she not simply go along with it?

Her tiny hands began tugging at his shirt, the hopelessness inside of her growing. She did not know if it was her need she was feeling or his, but they were blending in inside of her. She knew this was not going to end up - _that way. _After all she was - well she was bleeding. This was about filling the void, touching each other. It was the way they communicated. They did not talk enough. She wanted to work on that but she was torn between not knowing how and being afraid that she would be bothersome. There was no winning in this situation.

He watched her eyes, almost hoping she would refuse, change her mind but she did not. She took him, she accepted him, every time he came at her. He took, he stopped and she always followed his rhythm no matter what. She had to want something, she had to need something. He could not read her. His need was obvious when it came to her. He would not do it unless he _needed_ it and the proof of his need was always quite obvious. She was not the same way. She was quiet, she did not voice herself. Although he knew he could have an effect on her… he knew nothing else.

"Do you want this?"

He knew neither of them _wanted-wanted_ it. But did she _feel_ it shake her bones, her body breaking under the need?

He asked it so, so innocently. Like it did not mean what it meant. She could not help _but_ blush. She nodded." I-I do."

Sesshomaru took a hold on her shirt and slowly began lifting it. He noticed the tremble of her pink lips and the uncertainty that slowly formed in her eyes.

"You are fine," he whispered.

He agreed that she was bony and yet, she was attractive. It was not a lie. It was not meant to compliment her, it was the truth. The despair in her eyes was hard to miss and sometimes she felt like the shadow of herself. She never minded her body - she ran around feudal japan in a skirt. She could be that way again even if she did not look the same. She had it in her. Something deep inside was broken but he did not know what it was nor did he understand enough of her, or humans to understand what it was. It did not mean he did not see it.

His words made her chest swell with a foreign feeling. She saw the way he looked at her, she knew it was not a lie. Yet, her mind somehow needed some convincing.

He lifted her shirt until the cool air hit her breasts, turning her nipples hard. She licked her lips, watching his eyes grow while he looked upon her mounds. Sesshomaru lowered his lips and slowly captured one of them in his mouth, much like he had done before. His tongue wrapped around it, licking it and sending spirals of jolts through her. She wriggled beneath him, one of her hands finding its way on his shoulder. She squeezed, leaning into the feeling as she felt him nibble. _He had not done that before._ A soft, quiet moan past her lips and she pinched her mouth close, trying to keep it in, slightly embarrassed.

His hands glided down the side of her body until they were holding her hips, digging his fingers in, mindful of the claws. Every time he gave in, every time he let his guard down around her, his disguise came off, unconsciously. He never realized he would transform back to his real form, the glamour fading away. He kept himself in check, no matter the difficulty of the task. Already he felt his erection pulsing, straining and pushing against the fabric of his dark pants. He kneaded her flesh with his fingers, enjoying himself as he suckled on her breast. He played with the sensitive nipple, grazing poking fangs at it. She wriggled in his arms and he could not help the pride that filled him. She moaned by herself and now for some reason he wanted her to moan because of him.

He wanted to hear that sound again and again.

And there was something else he wanted, a scent taunting him from the beginning, one that wrapped around him, begging him, calling out to him.

He tore himself away from her breast, leaving a wet nipple behind and then, he trailed his mouth all the way down. He kissed his way to her navel and then buried his face into it. Right there, the smell was the strongest. It was right beneath, begging him for a taste. The blood, the spiciness; being this close nearly made him dizzy. He wanted to break all of his chains, forgo control, and dive in. His tongue poked out and he began lapping at her skin, brushing very close to her intimate region. She tensed slightly, but then relaxed as the wave of pleasures hit her. A nervousness filled her as suddenly something that seemed impossible became very plausible. He was not thinking of going anywhere near that was he?

Sesshomaru heard her heartbeat pick up. "Relax." His voice was not like usual; it was deep, demanding, almost husky.

Enthralled, she nodded.

He moved his hands down and then grabbed her pants, he lowered them, and felt her whole body going rigid. He pushed them past her rear and then waited. He raised his glance and looked into her eyes. He could not see the difference between uncomfortable and not wanting to. Sesshomaru completely pulled himself away from her, letting her ass hit the bed.

"I can stop," he said, already ready to leave.

He came in strong, his jealousy clouding his judgement. He was pushing too far, he knew he was.

Kagome watched him, her eyes opened wide. She was not uncomfortable with what they were doing, it was something else entirely. Sesshomaru had a good nose, there was no way he did not notice! "Mm, it's just…"

"If you do not wish to do this now, I will go."

"No it's.." Why was it so difficult to say? "The blood." She looked away, her face on fire.

He blinked once and twice.

The blood? She was repulsed by the blood? _Or did she think he was_?

"It does not bother me."

"What?" it came out louder and more surprised than she intended but her shock was hard to hide.

"The blood does not bother me. It does not hinder my desire."

"It doesn't?"

"Why should it?"

"It's - I mean…" She did not know why it should. She never saw it as something that should create desire. Then again, he was not human; he was a youkai. It was blood, it indicated many things but - he - _wow_. She wanted to answer him but she was completely speechless.

"You were uncomfortable because of the blood?"

"I thought, I thought you would be. I thought you didn't know."

"My nose is very powerful."

"I know - I thought. I thought you would find it disgusting." She waved a hand and shook her hand. "It's fine. If you're fine, I'm fine."

She was not used to talking so much when they were in such a situation. There she was, almost in her underwear with her chest bare while he was trapping her legs with his. It was rather intimate. Whenever they spoke, there was some distance between them, a situation that made it feel like it was not _really happening_ even though it was. They were so good at ignoring it during the day…

He thought all of the chit chat would put a damper on things but now that his prize was there, waiting for him, almost in sight, he found that there was no pushing back the desire inside of him. His erection was not going away any time soon either. He wanted this, he needed this. He knew he could not let himself have too much not yet. Especially not now that all he could think about was another man touching her. It was too risky. He needed to keep going with the plan they had since the beginning; they would push back the inevitable as much as possible. Although, his clouded mind still demanded more than he had taken before and she appeared to be willing.

Sesshomaru grabbed her legs and slowly nestled himself in between. "Do you wish me to stop?"

His gaze was predatory and she held back the need to shiver. This was what she was supposed to do. Although it was what she was supposed to avoid. For his sake. It was his downfall - even if he did not seem afraid to fall. Then again, he did not have as much to lose as she did. It was not his heart on the line. Only his body. "No."

He lowered himself away, finishing what he had started. He completely removed her sweat pants, lifting her legs up to do so. Somehow, it was much more stressful to find herself in her underwear than bare chest. Last time, she unconsciously knew it would not go that far. This time it was different. This time she had the time to think about it, to think about the underwear she was wearing. They were not even pretty. They were plain white _wide_ panties. Nothing attractive, nothing that would make her feel sexy. And yet, he watched her so carefully as though he had never been more aroused. Sometimes, for brief seconds, his eyes almost had a glaze of red to them. But she was never sure if she was hallucinating or it was real. It always went away so fast.

Sesshomaru buried his face in her crotch, his nose pressing in. She felt the dam inside of her break, a wetness damping her underwear. Last time, he barely inhaled and then he pulled away. This time, he was staying, burying his nose even deeper, providing her with new foreign sensations.

He did what he did not dare to do the last time. He let his tongue out and lapped at her through the fabric. From the action alone, he could taste her. The heavenly taste was on his tongue, filling his mouth with a honey, sweet flavor. He growled against her, his cock aching with need. This was the wetness that was promise to him, the heat he craved since the beginning. He nibbled at the fabric, his fangs nearly threatening to tear at it. His hands rose up and he began pulling them down. He heard her hold her breath but he did not stop. He asked her many times if she wished for him to continue and she always did. If she voiced an objection, at anytime, he would listen.

Slowly, he peeled away the white fabric until finally, it revealed a patch of black curls. He was not even done pulling them off that he already buried his face in the curls, inhaling in a way that almost tickled her. She squirmed but he held her down as he finally showed her to himself. He pulled himself away, completely removed her underwear and carelessly tossed it on the ground. Then, he hooked his arms around her legs and approached his prize. His body tingled, the scent of her arousal and her blood mixing together, driving him dizzy. He dove in, instincts driving him. Kagome yelped in surprise as she felt him shove his tongue deep inside of her wet, warm core. The next sound that came out of her mouth was a loud moan.

"Oh- _oh."_

He almost smirked. He shoved his tongue inside and out, letting himself forget the world around him, simply letting himself savour her. He moved his hands to hold her down, trying to keep her from running away. It was most likely unconscious, under the pressure and overwhelm of the new feelings, but she was pulling away from him. His mouth was overflown from the juices, while he twirled his tongue inside of her. He never imagined this would be it. He always saw her pleasing him. And yet this, this was _pleasing_ him indeed. He wanted to taste more, he wanted to feel more of her. He raised his mouth slightly captured her sensitive nub between his teeth, tugging at it.

"OH _god_."

She sat up, the feeling too much to bear. She drove her teeth in her bottom lip, trying to find a way from preventing herself from screaming. Never in her life had anything ever felt like this. She did not know what to do with herself. The feeling was settling inside of her heart, bursting it open.

He dared his tongue out, diving in again and again. He listened to hear scream, moan and whisper in pleasure. He felt her hands as she tangled them in his hair, intertwining her fingers with his silver locks.

"Se-ses-" She could not finish his name, she could not even muster a full thought in her brain. Everything was scrambled.

He lapped at her like she was a never ending fountain and the only thing she could do was come undone in his arms, as a powerful wave of pleasure wrapped around her body, taking her to a place she had never been before. His mouth became filled with her nectar and he happily drank until she had no more to give him. Her body shook, the pleasure too much for her to handle and a scream of passion escaped her throat. Pride floated through him as she slowly went limp, her eyes fully closed and her face covered in a layer of sweat. She took small, short breaths, unable to fill her lungs with air.

Sesshomaru pulled himself away from her wet, dripping core, his mouth still covered in _her_. He licked his lips clean and watched her, her breasts heaving, her chest collapsing, her body still basking in the after glow.

He could not escape the fate that awaited him.

There was no going back.

He was going to have her.

But there was also one problem.

He was supposed to let her go, he was supposed to let her be free to live her own life. She was not even with someone else. She had a _friend_. Someone that she was seeing in a very platonic way - and she was not even Sesshomaru's and yet, he did this. He felt _jealousy_ for a new reason. She was not a toy. She was not a sword he felt he deserved. She was human being.

And he was jealous because someone else touched her.

It was no longer a slippery road.

It was a crash waiting to happen.

-R-


	20. The Prodrome

**A/N: **Long time no see! If it makes a difference, it's a long chapter? You can always check my tumblr (without following) to see if there are any real life stuff getting in my way. Thank you for the kind reviews, the constant support.

Also, the piece of article in the fic, is from a real article. So I don't own that.

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 20: The Prodrome**

Weeks.

It ended up being all her life needed to be flipped upside down.

In a few days, Kagome would begin her first _job_. It did not qualify as an occupation but it fit for the time being. She would be helping out during cancer fundraising and it came with a salary. They gave her nothing more than a meagre 2,000 yen a day but it was more than she made at the moment which meant she was grateful. At least, she would be able to save some money and perhaps provide for herself once in a while. Sesshomaru did not comment much on the matter, simply asking if she did it for herself or because she did not want to use his money. Since irking him remained far from being her primary goal, she answered that she _needed_ this and he believed her without giving her a second glance.

Things between them shifted as well.

Sometimes, he came to her, he touched her and he lingered. By now, her skin memorized the touch of his lips, the warmth of his hands and the weight of his body. Red tinted her white cheeks at the memories. Though sometimes, he avoided her. He pushed her away, like today.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

Kagome turned her head to the side and offered Hojo a smile. She enjoyed her day, out and about, at Sesshomaru's request. She failed to see how it represented a good idea considering how he reacted each time she saw her friend but - he almost seemed pained when he asked and she decided to indulge in his demand. Hojo expressed a great happiness at the idea of coming along and out the door they were. Simpleness surrounded their outing; they were walking around in the outside mall, browsing the shops, despite the fact that she had no intention of buying anything. She did not have money _yet_.

"Just looking," she quickly answered, tearing her eyes away from the make up aisle.

She was not one for heavy make up and all that jazz. However, whenever she looked in the mirror, the sight in front of her was painful. Sometimes she wondered if make up could help better the situation but she would never venture down that road. She did not even have anyone to impress.

"You look fine without it," Hojo said as he scouted to her side as she kept walking away.

"Oh, I wasn't - I -" she stammered, unable to find an appropriate excuse. Her ears turned red, and she grimaced while a tingling swept up the back of her neck.

"It's fine, sorry. I shouldn't have pried."

"It's okay," she said with a wave of the hand. "I feel silly. That's all."

"You shouldn't," he re-assured her with a grin.

They kept walking, a quiet silence surrounding them. Sometimes, she felt him stealing a glance. "So… can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What is your husband up to?"

She cleared her throat, almost choking as she heard his question. She scraped her bottom lip and hurried her gaze at the pavement. "Oh, hm, well. Sesshomaru is, hm. He's busy with work."

"And he doesn't mind us hanging out?" He winced. "This _is_ just a friendship. I just - I know not all husbands are comfortable with their wives hanging around other guys."

_Oh he had no idea_. "Oh no, he's fine with it." After all, she was only here because of him.

"Good." The atmosphere thickened to an uncomfortable silence, and she noticed Hojo rubbing the back of his neck.

That _gut_ feeling never truly went away; sometimes she swore he saw her as a simple friend because any other possibility indicated insanity but then - he would say certain things and she had to wonder. Saying that Hojo was not good looking symbolized a lie because he was attractive. Sandy hair, pulling on brown, shiny blue eyes, an adorable smile. He was tall, much taller than she was, but still shorter than Sesshomaru and he had a sturdy, large chest. He dressed in a clean fasion, white shirt tucked into dark beige pants along with a pair of probably pricey brown leather shoes. Plus he was extremely studious with a bright future ahead of him. Nonetheless, it was the same as when they were younger; she did not yearn for him despite those qualities.

But she could.

Sesshomaru made it absolutely clear that she should have her own life. He did nothing short of kicking her out the door.

But she did not.

Plus he deserved much better than a scrawny girl in too big jeans and baggy white t-shirt. And her _hair_ - and face… and she was just too much of a mess.

"Oh do you mind if we stop here?" Hojo said as he came to a halt. He pointed at the pharmacy, his lips twisted. "I gotta pick up a prescription."

She smiled. "No, it's fine."

He led the way, and she walked behind him. Once they past the sliding doors, he went straight to the counter while she lingered back. Her eyes traveled briefly to the make up section, but she walked past it. Then, she found herself in the hair products, which was completely useless for her, and walked all the way to the vitamins. She assumed that she would no longer need those. Would she even need medicine once she was healed to perfection? Questions filled her mind, and she kept moving forward, never paying attention. _Until_ she ended up in the lubricant and condoms aisle. Her entire face turned red, her cheeks burning hot. She meant to glance away and pick her pace to walk far from here before anyone saw her but her feet stayed put.

Her eyes roamed over the nauseatingly colorful bottles and packagings surrounding her. _Lubricant_. As much as it embarrassed her to admit, she hardly thought it was something they would _need_. Condoms on the other end… she never even thought about protection. Mostly because she thought she would die a virgin and then because she did not even have a period but… now that they returned on a more regular basis… What if Sesshomaru and her crossed that line? Although, at this point she felt like it was more a question of _when _than _if_. Clearly it was not pleasing for him but… after everything they did so far, she was almost certain that it was an inescapable fate - and it probably explained why he sent her out with another man.

Did he have condoms? Would she need to get some?

_Dear kami_. She would never be able to grab a box of those and buy them for real. It might be juvenile of her but she would not survive it.

"Kagome?"

Her blue eyes widened, and she instantly backed away, almost sending Hojo on the floor as she crashed into him. Her heart was racing while her eyes darting, searching his eyes. "H-hojo."

He lifted his hand, showing her his little white paper bag. "All done. Did you need help with som-" But he never finished his sentence. Instead, his eyes locked with the products Kagome was looking at and a deep hue of red colored his cheeks. "Erm, ah I…"

"I just needed," She turned her head left and right, hoping to find something to explain this shameful situation, "this magazine," she rushed to say as she spotted the rack. She retrieved the first one from the top of the pile and nearly shoved it in his face. "I - sort of - I had not renewed my subscription," she stuttered. She was possible the worst liar in the entire world.

"Oh. Then good thing we came here," he supplied with a smile.

She nodded, her shame obvious on her cheeks. "I just need to pay," she said as she ran to the cashier. Once again, she would have to use Sesshomaru's money. At least it was not expensive… plus she would make sure to reimburse him the moment she got her first 2,000 yen. Kagome never made eye contact with the cashier, not even when she paid for her item. It was with a shaky hand that she gave the young girl the 500 yen and as soon as she was done she walked out. Hojo waited for her outside, his bag in his hand.

"Ready to keep going?"

"Actually, do you mind if we sit for a while?" She ran her fingers through her hair, feeling the sweat coating her dark strands. "I think I need to catch my breathe."

"Oh, no, of course. Sorry, I didn't even -"

"It's nothing, don't worry."

As a matter of fact, it was not the walking that exhausted her. It was the rush of adrenaline she experienced inside the pharmacy. It was official, she was going to stay very far away from that section. She acted like a little kid who got caught when she was grown _married_ woman. So what if she had been looking at those things? Hojo knew she was married, he knew she had someone in her life. It was not strange right? Even though she felt a slight shame from the experience, the question weighted on her mind. They would have to do something about protection…

Hojo ended up finding a little café for them and they enjoyed a nice cup of tea before resuming their little none-shopping… shopping. The awkwardness dissipated and by the end of their little friendly outing, Kagome was almost sure that he forgot about it - even though she never would. Especially not considering that she had to hold that wretched magazine the entire time. By the time dinner time rolled in, they parted ways with a promise to hang out again soon. Kagome went on her own way, taking the bus home. Thankfully, someone offered her their seat, and she gladly took it; her legs were killing her. Once she arrived to the apartment, she finally could relax. Unfortunately for her, the idea of relaxing involved reading.

And she thought that since she bought the magazine, she might as well read it.

That was until she got to page 21.

_"Where to touch your man - his 9 pleasure triggers?_" She shut the magazine closed and laid it flat upon her thighs. A blush crept across her cheeks and she pinched her lips tightly together. What kind of magazine did she buy? She dared to flip the cover. _Cosmopolitan_. Oh of course. She groaned while putting it back down. Did they have a section called _how to please your husband who's only your husband because he promised to save your life and you guys are totally not comfortable with each other_? She did not think so. Though she would be lying if she pretended her fingers were not tingling to flip over the page. Sesshomaru _did_ a few… Erm things for her. Although he was just as unexperienced as she was, it seemed like he somewhat knew what he was doing. Perhaps his instincts were a big help. In her case, she was completely lost.

Would it be that wrong… if she read it?

Slowly, she rose the magazine, her fingers fumbling with the edge. She kept her gaze high, clearly ashamed of what she was about to do. After inhaling a deep breathe and putting pressure on her lungs, she dared to lower her eyes and began reading.

"Number one, the outside of his lower lip."

Alright, that was not so bad. She imagined worst things being in there. Yet that did nothing to explain to her why that was a _pleasure_ trigger. "Extra sensitive nerve receptors… huh." So far, so good. Even if she could not see herself _sucking _on the outside of his lip. "Number two, the front of his neck." She could see that as plausible, especially considering the fact that Sesshomaru was a canine and _nuzzling_ seemed to be appreciated. That one was less awkward to execute.

She cleared her throat and moved on to the third point on the list; his nipples. Her eyes did bulge slightly, but she understood. Considering how sensitive women's nipples were why should it not be the same for men? Although, she did not fail to notice the jump… in type of body parts. Then again, this was cosmopolitan, what did she expect?

"Number four, the… dip under his ankle?" _What in the world_. "It is linked to the sex organs." There was no way she was going to attempt this one. Plus if she got near his ankles, he might look at her strangely. _What - _was she talking about? Getting near his ankles? Her face could not get more red if she tried. It was not like she was doing this to seduce him. She read because she was curious. Plus he always knew where to touch her and she remained there like a statue. Clearly if his touches felt good… shouldn't hers be somewhat tolerable?

She shook her head, chasing the thoughts away. She could already feel her heartbeat speeding up. Time for number five. "His perineum?" A part of her told her it was a mistake to keep on reading but she did regardless. "Most men are shy about guiding you to this patch of skin just past his family jewels. But beneath it is his prostate…" Her lips parted, and she was breathless for an instant. She popped her lips. Her face, neck and ears were feeling impossible hot as she wondered if she could pretend that she never read those words.

For a moment, she closed the magazine, her finger remaining between the pages. Did she want to keep reading?

She was like a child. A grown woman should not be blushing this much. Inhale. Exhale. "Number six," she read out loud with a shaky voice. "His s-shaft." What else did she expect? She swallowed hard, feeling like something was blocking her throat. She never - she felt it when he was close to her, touching her through her clothes but she never actually put a hand around it or anything else. He _touched_ hers very intensively, but it was not one of the favours she returned. Suddenly, there was sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She felt bad. He gave, and she gave nothing in return. Out of guilt, her eyes roamed over the instructions; He'll feel incredible friction, especially if you start off torturously slow, building up speed as he gets more and more pumped and then slowing down to keep him in a holding pattern. To make this move even more mind-blowing, squirt some lubricant into your hand.

Could she do that?

The thought of it sent her body on fire and she knew she would never be able to pull off something like this.

Her eyes sped through the rest of the numbers which included the head of his penis, the seam of his testicles and his frenulum, something she did not even want to read about. Once she reached the end, she closed the magazine and dropped it on the coffee table. There was a tingle traveling through her body while shame churned her stomach. First condom and then that magazine. Her mind kept her too focused on this and most of the time she did not know where she was heading when it came to Sesshomaru. And now to top it all off, she felt more guilty than ever. She never asked for the pleasures he gave her but he did it all nonetheless. He did not ask, but it did not mean… he did not want it…

It was not like she was disgusted by the gesture or that Sesshomaru was bad looking. He was good looking and - and most days her head and her heart got confused. She did not want to do _dates_ because it was bad for her, but going in, trying to please him she feared it might be just as bad and it would also be bad for him. He was on the edge of breaking, she could see it every time they interact that. The first time he - _he went down_, she thought he was not going to stop. There was a glow in his eyes that he had never seen before. Yet he surprised her and he did manage to move away. She could not say that she would have stopped him. She never could because she would never say those words.

She admired his strength. This was difficult for him, probably more than most events he experienced and yet, he exerted control as though it was natural for him.

She did not have that kind of strength. She could give up her life, she could throw herself in front of danger but she could not control her emotions.

Suddenly, the sound of the handle being twisted brought her back to reality. She yelped, quickly sitting up on the couch. She bent over, grabbed the black remote and sunk back into the depths of the soft couch before turning the TV on, sounds filling the room immediately. A few seconds later, Sesshomaru appeared, his suitcase in hand, looking as flawless as he always did.

He did not even need to _step_ inside the apartment to realize she followed his indications; she saw _him_ again. It was what he wanted. Jealousy made him possessive but if he pushed her away enough, he might give himself some time. He unfortunately came to the conclusion that he could not escape his fate. He did need to prepare himself for it and he needed to accept the fact that losing her one day was a reality. The bond might be changing his life upside down but he intended on fighting it at least a little bit. He could not give himself over completely.

Sesshomaru held his breathe for a moment before he rested his suitcase against the nearby beige wall. He unbuttoned the first dark grey button of his black suit before tossing off his jacket and hanging it by the door. He felt as though he was suffocating. A shower might have fix the problem but since she remained unaware of it, she could not fix it. He dared to raise his gaze and finally their eyes met for an instant. Then, his eyes landed on the strange object on his coffee table. A woman's magazine. He never saw her show any kind of interest for that type of reading before. _How to apply make up. How to dress for an evening out. 9 triggers to please your man._ The last one he had to read again and his orbs widened a tad.

And she noticed.

Kagome blushed furiously and buried her hands between her thighs. She _should_ have gotten rid of that. Idiot, idiot, iiiidiot! She forced a smile on her face, trying to pretend like it was perfectly normal. Meanwhile, he could not help but sniff the air. Yes, there was a hint of arousal.

"H-how was work?"

"Fine."

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

He kept up with his habit of eating since it helped her do the same. However, his mind was distracted for the time being and he was not thinking his answers through. There was a thrill running through him as he wondered what was in the magazine. He did not care. It did not matter. He was already wound up so tight it was a miracle he did not snap. Every movement, every touch…it was harder and harder to control himself.

"Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, we hm, we went shopping."

"Did you buy anything?" He already knew the answer to that.

"No." She shook her head. "Well, _this_," she said gesturing to the magazine. Her goal was not to get him to focus on it but she wanted him to know she used the money he gave her. It was only fair that he was aware of how she spent his hard earned yens.

"You are allowed to spend the money I give you. You are more than in need of new clothing." Every time he saw her she wore the same baggy thing, the same clothes that hid her body away. He knew none of what she owned fit her but it did not mean she needed to remain that way.

"I will buy clothes." She paused. "When I start working."

He resisted the urge to look annoyed. He swiped his eyebrow prior to nodding. He would not fight her on this but they both knew that it would require a lot of time for her to buy any kind of clothes on her small salary. However, he understood the principe of pride and would not push the issue any further.

There was an urge inside of him, pushing him to get closer to her. He was used to touching her, now more than before. Although, it was always done in a setting that was not necessarily labeled as normal. Regardless, he did not want that stench getting close to him and he certainly had no desire to smell like a human man. Plus, despite the growing jealousy inside of him, it was much easier to control himself when he thought about the fact that she was not his. Despite what the bond was trying to drill in his head.

Sesshomaru walked past her, heading into the kitchen without even _brushing up against her_. It was a new thing they had now. Small touches, almost unnoticeable but this time he did not even try. At first she quirked an eyebrow, but quickly she remembered why; she smelled like Hojo. He probably had no desire to be close to her while another's man scent covered her. Perhaps she should have thought about taking a shower. She sighed, stealing a glance in direction of the kitchen. She was not hungry; there was too much preoccupying her and Sesshomaru's mood appeared to be quite crabby.

And she was nervous and confused.

They both knew the final destination but they had no idea what path they were taking to get there.

-R-

"Did you try some of the things I suggested?"

"Some of them." It was not exactly a lie. She might not be going on _dates_ with the right person but they did get closer physically.

"Did it help?"

He touched her more, he lingered around a little longer. It clearly pushed his limit to a new point. "I g-guess."

Dr. Izu looked at her, clearly not believing any of her answers. "Do you feel like you communicate enough with your husband? Do you tell him everything that weights on you?"

No. "Sometimes." Of course she could not talk to him. She could not bother him with the million thoughts going through her head or there were simply some subject she did not even know how to talk about it.

"Do you know why that is?"

"I - hm…"

"Are you uncomfortable with your husband?"

"No, I simply, I - Some things are harder to talk about."

"Sex." Izu said with a smile. "You blush when the topic comes up."

"I don't think it's necessary to talk about it."

Dr. Izu shifted around in her chair before holding on to her writing pad. She leaned forward and looked at Kagome straight in the eyes. "Kagome, do you remember when we talked about children."

A pause, an hesitation. "Yes."

"You just knew he did not want them. You said you did not talk about it." She stopped, searching Kagome's face for clues. "You want them."

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't say you didn't either." She gave her a soft smile, almost as if she was trying to sympathize with her. "When it comes to sex, you won't talk to your husband. You have a hard time with dates as well. I've mentioned this before. You never talk about him. You do not have good memories with him. You cannot have an active sexual life with him. You wish for children and he doesn't."

As Dr. Izu pilled up all the reasons that meant Sesshomaru and her were clearly not meant for each other - a fact she knew too well already - she began to regret her choice to seek therapy and help. There were too many lies for this to work.

"You want to work on yourself. And you should but I am wondering something. A lot of your problem seem to come from the fact that you're afraid to speak. You've condone yourself to a life of unhappiness and you're not trying to actively do something about it. You've simply accepted your fate."

What else could she do? Her choices were fairly basic. Death or life and the choice of life did not come with a bunch of add-ons. True love was not on the list, kids were not there either. She did get Sesshomaru though. He was nice to her, he gave her strength and despite her best intentions, she developed feelings. She could not put a label on them but they were there, pulling at her heartstrings.

"I don't want to waste energy on things I can't change."

"But why can't you change them? If you married him, you love him. Why aren't you fighting for that love?"

Because Sesshomaru could not love and the only reason he lusted for her was because he had to, he was forced into it. The only thing she earned from him was respect and it was enough. "I am. But in this relationship some things will stay the way they are."

"You can fight, Kagome. I've seen it in your eyes. Sometimes, certain topics…your eyes light up. You're a fighter. I do believe however that you no longer know what you're fighting for."

Sesshomaru also thought she was a fighter. Problem was, she thought of herself as a fighter…in another life. One that was not as broken as this one.

"This is what I'm gonna need you to do Kagome. I need you to find something to fight for."

Kagome inhaled deeply, her breathe hitching. Something to fight for? She had a hard time fighting for her life, for her life and her pride. How was she supposed to find something that was worth it all?

"Break through your fears. What is the worst thing you believe might happen?"

She shrugged. "I'm not sure."

"Will your husband leave you if you speak about children? About your urges?"

Kagome tried to keep a straight face as she shook her head. "No." He was stuck with her, he would not leave her.

"Then why not do it?"

"I'm scared," she blurted out. "Things won't change. I'll hope and get crushed again."

"When were you crushed?" She tilted her head to the left. "You thought you were dying, you accepted death instead of life… and here you are." She waited but Kagome did not say anything. "Is there a worst pain than accepting you will die?"

"No."

At that moment, everything was over. She said goodbye to her hopes and dreams and knew she was leaving everything and everyone behind. In the last instant he came along and brought it all back. Ever since then she was afraid to touch, to feel it all, in fear that she might lose it again. Except she was alive… with very little chances of death.

There was one problem; running was much easier than facing her fears.

-R-

The week rapidly ended and saturday sneaked up on everyone. The sun was up high in the sky, the remnants of orange quickly quitting the horizon, letting the shades of light blue take over. Neither Kagome or Sesshomaru were late sleepers but he always left his room before she did. His routine included a shower first thing in the morning and then, either he would allow himself some leisure and read a book or he would catch up on some work. She stayed longer, then took a shower, and they would eat breakfast together. Today, he had already showered and finished a book and she remained locked in the constraints of her room with apparently no intention of getting out any time soon.

He did hear her cellphone a few times; a few buzz. She did not know many people which could only mean one thing; either her mother was contacting her so early in the morning or _someone else_ was. Either way, it did not concern him.

His book should be his main focus.

His control over himself used to be much better than this. Feelings constantly swirled inside of him and he found that his tolerance was much shorter than in the past. The feelings were irritating him and if his new found feelings were not enough he always had _hers_ to deal with - sometimes they popped up out of nowhere, invading his mind. The pain from the constant need was such a habit that he became accustomed to it. Although the sensations he got from touching her… those he would never get over. Even now, days and weeks later, he could smell her, taste her on his tongue. Her moans and whispers were songs he could not get rid of - it followed him around when the need was too much.

Then, a sound echoed through the silence and he could clearly hear her door crack open as she stepped out. Her footsteps were quiet while she made her way to the couch. His gaze never faltered from his book, not even when she sat down beside him. From the corner of his eye he could see that her short hair was a mess, sticking in every direction. Once again, she was wearing an overly large blue t-shirt, one that was hiding the curves she was slowly getting back and a back of large grey shorts imprinted with little mice. She tucked her legs beneath her rear and stared ahead at TV, despite the fact that he left it on mute as to not be disturbed.

"Are you busy?"

The fact that she talked was what shocked him the most but he recovered quickly. He put his book down, the dark green cover hitting his black pants covered legs and turned his head to look at her. "No."

"Can I talk to you?"

"Are you hurt?"

She shook her head. If she talked to Sesshomaru, she would spill secrets. Secrets were what kept their relationship tainted, it was what helped her keep a wall between them. It was a good wall, she liked that wall and yet here she was… about to break it. Now she had his attention but she still had no idea how to begin this conversation. She did not know what to admit first, what to tell him at the beginning. What did she want him to know? Not only that but she needed to know some things in order to do other… things

"Why did you want me to see Hojo?"

He did not expect _him_ to be the topic of the conversation. "Is he not your friend?"

"I guess."

"You were free to stay home."

"I know." She clamped her hands together, gently rubbing them. "I felt like you needed me to go."

"I do not require you to do anything."

"You don't like him."

"That is untrue. I have not met him."

"You don't like when I smell like him."

Even she could not believe the boldness of her words. This conversation was easier because she did not have to say anything he did not know.

"You are well aware of the reasons _why_ I do not like his scent."

"Yeah, the bond."

And he did not correct her. Why should he? It was the reason they were both in this situation. She wanted to say that if it were not for the bond, she would feel nothing for him. Unfortunately, the feelings began before he had to touch her, before they had this need to touch one and another. It began when he gave her strength when she had none. She used him as a pillar to build herself back up and even though she still struggled with the foundation, he was the reason she began in the first place. He did not even know it, and probably did not even try but he pushed her out of her shell, threw her in the real world… he gave her a life again.

That was the reason her head and heart were so confused.

One of her biggest fear was rejection. She let him lead, she did not venture outside of the limits of what she did not know. Considering the fact that she did not know anything, her limits were not…they did not include anything. Dr. Izu's words were in her head, flashes of the magazine and memories of what he did to her. If she gave that part of herself up, would she be worse off?

She closed the distance between them by scouting over and only stopped when their legs touched. He did not say a word but he observed her very carefully. She glanced down at his book and gently took it away from his thighs and put it away on the mahogany coffee table. It tinged against the glass in the middle of the table. She raised back her gaze. "Can I?"

He did not know what she was asking but he nodded regardless. She would never harm him, meaning whatever she wanted to do could not bother him. The stench of nervousness coated her natural smell but despite all that he could detect a hint of spiciness. Why was she aroused? He had come to the conclusion a while back that he did not let her express her needs often enough. He would not stop her.

Kagome gulped, trying to stop her damn hands from shaking uncontrollably. She did not know where to begin; should she erm, sit on him? Or should she already lower herself to the ground? It was clear that he was able to hear how loud her heart beat was. Her face was also on fire while her legs tingled with promises he had fulfilled in the past. Her bottom lip quivered as she put a hand on the inside of his thigh. Immediately there was a surge of blood in his lower area. She broke the eye contact and decided to lower herself on the ground. She let herself drop, her knees clacking against the floor. She moved her hand to his knee and did the same with her free hand. Gently, she squeezed her body between his legs.

He was dead. He had to be dead.

Or this was that goddamn dream again.

It was one of the two because this could not be real.

His instincts were screaming at him and he wanted to stop her. He wanted to push her away and tell her not to do it but he knew he would never do that. He could not even come up with a reason not to let her do it. This fantasy had been the plague of his existence lately. He never asked her to do it, she was choosing to do it all on her own. The magazine was starting to make more sense now.

"Is it okay?" she asked, looking at his belt instead of his eyes. If she looked at him now, she would coward out.

He nodded, somehow unable to find the use of his voice. The sight of her alone was enough to bring more blood to his cock. His erection was now clearly visible and it was painful. He could cum on the spot.

Clumsy hands reached out for his leather belt and she fought with it for a while before finally undoing it. She could barely move her fingers by the time she had to undo his button. Without breathing she managed to get through it and she succeeded, after much fumbling, in unzipping his pants. For the next part however, she needed his help. She raised her gaze, just enough to see his chin, and she waited. After a few seconds, he understood. His own hands were hasty for the first time. He tugged on his pants a pit, lowering them half way down his ass. Most of his black boxers were showing. It was time for the big reveal. It was not big deal; she felt it many times. It was _almost_ the same thing…right?

She held on to the edge of his boxers but did not tug down yet. Beneath her fingers she could feel the heat of his skin and even though she was not glancing his way, she could feel the heat of his gaze. She took a deep breathe, at least as much as she could, and pulled down. Nearly immediately, his cock sprung out, standing straight in front of her. Her eyes enlarged; it was her first time seeing one. It was definitively bigger than it felt when he pressed his body against hers. She tried not to stare but she could not help it. She knew what it was supposed to look like but in person it was different. The head was much larger than expected and that big vein on the side…

A slight shifting in position coming from him snapped her back. She re-focused her attention; she said she was going to do this. She went too far to turn back now. Although, she still feared she might die of a heart attack before it was all over. If Sesshomaru could do it, and he was worst than her when it came to human contact, she could do it. Plus it was not an obligation, she wanted this. She would lie if she did not say she did not feel a ping of excitement underneath all the fear.

She guided her hand until it touched the heated, erect skin, and then, she wrapped her fingers around it. She could not completely go around it, but she figured it was the best she could do. She remembered reading in the magazine earlier that _dry on dry_ was not the best way to go but it was a little too late now to figure out what to do about it. She slowly began to move her hand up and down, sometimes stretching and dragging along the skin of his cock. He stiffened around her, his legs squeezing her a little. She kept repeating that motion until eventually, it was a bit easier. Her nervousness was making her sick. Her guts were twisted and there was a pounding in her head. He never seemed that nervous when he was doing…_her_.

The next step… the next step would be to replace her hand with something else. Should she keep her hand there as well or remove it? _Gah_, she did not know. She exhaled loudly, which almost sounded like a sigh, and she tilted his erection in direction of her lips. She quickly wet her mouth with her tongue and then, closed her eyes before creating the first contact. The warm head of his penis touched the inside of her mouth while her hand remained on the shaft. Her mouth was still wide open until she fit what she thought was… acceptable? And then, she wrapped her mouth around him. That was when she heard it, a long hiss of pleasure. That was good at least.

Alright, she could not stay like this.

She grazed her mouth around his cock while moving her hand up and down. Her mouth could not take enough and she settled on keeping her hand there. She tightened the grip around his shaft and then, began to slowly bob her head on his dick. She had no idea what to do. She knew the basics, what she unfortunately saw, heard and today well _read_. It was not much to go on - at least not to do a very good job. She did her best to keep her hand and mouth in a rhythmic motion.

Meanwhile, Sesshomaru was hardly able to contain himself. Her hand was already a lot more than he was able to control but her mouth? It was a warmth, soft and soothing cavern and it was wrapping around him, sucking him, teasing him. He had a strong dislike for masturbation, he saw it as an annoyance beneath him and he wanted to feel the same about this but it was even better than his dream. All the sensations were sending him into overdrive. She was kneeling in front of him, completely submissive, pleasing him. He did not want to like but it did not stop him from growling in need and lust. He made sure to keep his hands by his side, his claws, poking through the disguise, ready to rip the couch apart.

As Kagome kept trying to breathe while shoving his erection in her mouth, she found herself licked beneath the head, right where it met the shaft. As body jolted beneath her and she took it as a good thing. She pulled her mouth away, freeing his cock, and then tried something. Ignoring the heat in her face, she poked her tongue out and gently licked the top of his dick. He tilted his back, showing her a hint of fang at the same time and he groaned. Fangs. She forgot about the deadly aspect of his body; they were so often hidden.

Sesshomaru wanted to drive his hands through her mass of dark hair but he thought there was a chance he might hurt her. His claws had already broken through the couch, white stuffing slowly escaping the soft couch. He could not help it; all he could smell was her arousal. She might be focused and clearly shy, her nether regions had something else in mind. She was damp, leaking and it smelled wonderful and he knew how it tasted. He was ready, his cock strained, wet and her core dripping. He could slide in, he could end the charade right now. He already admitted to himself that he would have her eventually. All he was doing was delaying the moment.

Some of his thoughts did not feel like his own thoughts.

Why should he think that?

Carnal desires were not even a need of his before she came along.

He should fight. Keep his pride. It was what he did.

But her _fucking_ mouth.

She put him back in her mouth and resumed sucking, and enveloping him with her warmth. And he dug his claws further in, actually ripping the couch apart. She turned her head, twisting it and his cock along the way. Drool leaked down his shaft which only made it easier for her to jerk him off. Her legs were rubbing together, a fire starting in inside of her. It was a sort of control she was not used to having. She was on her knees but he was _weak_ beneath her. She never saw him out of control like this and she was the one who caused it.

Another hint of tongue.

A faster speed.

And then it happened. He did not even have a chance to warn her, it simply happened. A fierce growl slipped his lips, his fangs drawing blood and his claws destroying, ripping the couch all the way to the cushions, he came. And she did not see it coming. A sound of surprise escaped her as she felt the warm, somewhat salty, and creamy substance fill her mouth. Most of it landed inside but from the surprise, she let go of his cock and the end of his orgasm finished on her face, covering her nose. The moment Sesshomaru lowered his head, noticing that his own hand never satisfied him this way, he was greeted with the sight of Kagome swallowing his cum, while some of it dripped from her nose to her lips.

He could not look away, he could not move; his heart was racing and there was a rage beating inside his chest. There was only one thought in his head.

He needed to get away from her, he needed to get up and walk away but he could not; she was between his legs.

"You need to move."

"W-what."

"Move."

She arched her eyebrows, truly confused by what was happening. She thought - she thought he enjoyed it and there he was, standing in front of her, angry.

He leaned backward into the couch, his head completely tilted back. He closed his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose. "_If you do not move, I will fuck you on the coffee table." _The words were strained, his voice husked; she barely recognized it.

His words stopped her heart and she fell backwards. Her neck hit the coffee table because of the cramp space but it was enough room for him to rise to his feet. His cock hung limp between his legs, over his pants, while he dashed over to the bathroom. He yanked the door opened and slammed it so hard she was certain it would break under the pressure, but it held on. On the other side, Sesshomaru drove his fingers through his silver locks and dropped to the ground, his eyes turning red, his desire bursting through his chest.

Meanwhile Kagome ran her tongue over her lips, still tasting him, and exhaled loudly.

Did she make a mistake?

-R-


	21. The Proscription

**A/N: **So this chapter has over 12,000 words. It's literally two chapters. But I couldn't - I don't know. Didn't feel right to break it into two. Actually, nothing about this whole chapter feels right. I re-wrote it like 3 times (that's a lot of words). And I still don't know how I feel about it. I don't know if I wanna cry or clap. I think I wanna cry. So hopefully nobody hates me over this. This has been part of my ideas since the beginning. I just don't know anymore if I like it.

I don't think I've ever stressed this much over a chapter.

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 21: The Proscription**

"Kagome?"

As Hojo waved his hand in front of her face, she snapped back to reality. She offered him an apologetic smile and shook her head softly. "Sorry, I got lost in my train of thoughts," she apologized.

He dismissed her apology with a grin of his own. "No problem. Sometimes, I talk too much." Nervous, he played with the cuffs of his white shirt, the gold button catching the sun, and lifted them up past his elbows. He was quite afraid of becoming an annoyance. Maybe he invited her out too much? Maybe he was being too pushy… He enjoyed his outings with her… was that such a bad thing altogether?

"Oh no, that's not it!" She felt the heat come to her cheeks as memories flooded her mind. She could not possibly tell him the truth about her current distraction. "I - Sometimes I don't sleep very well." _Kami_, when did she turned into such a liar?

He ran his fingers through his sandy blonde hair, slicking them back, and allowed his chest to rise back down. "Kagome, if you're tired we can cut this short." He knew it, he was pushing her. He should have noticed it earlier.

Again, she smiled. "I'm okay. I wouldn't have asked you out for coffee if I didn't want to see you."

This distraction was turning out to be a disaster; no matter how hard she tried, Kagome could not get Sesshomaru out of her head. He always pushed her in direction of Hojo, despite the fact that he decidedly harboured no positive feelings towards the man. Kagome's mind was clouded with confusion and she needed something to take her brain off what happened. Hojo was the only friend she had and though she could not share the situation with him, she hoped that some company would take her mind off of things. She was utterly wrong. Instead, her mind always wandered back to the event that took place. _He left_. He left her there. She supposed he enjoyed it - after all, he did - well he finished. _Kami she never expected…_she never entertained the idea that… she swallowed! It was not expected. But - but it happened and she thought - _why did she do that_?

Yes, he did mention…_fucking her on the coffee table_ but he certainly did not appear to be happy about it. After he escaped away from her, he did not talk to her again - not a single word. Actually, she never even saw him exit the bathroom. She waited for a bit but then, when he did not return to her side in the livingroom, she disappeared into her bedroom and hid there. She even waited until he left before having breakfast - not that she had much of an appetite. She had an apple and then, she texted Hojo. He was all in for a coffee and it gave her the perfect excuse to get away from the apartment.

"I'm glad you texted me," he said, not looking directly at her while bouncing his left knee.

"I'm glad too."

She missed the faint blush that flashed across his face as he hid his visage away from her sight.

"So, how's your husband?"

"He's -good," she stammered. "He works a lot." Actually he was working on _avoiding_ her - and it was all her fault. Everything was already messy and complicated enough. Why did she have to make it worse? She should have kept things the way they were. She was a fucking idiot. There was a lump in her throat and the guilt was churning at her stomach.

"Doesn't spend a lot of time with you."

"Well, he has to work, he has to take care of all the bills."

"No, of course," he quickly replied, putting a smile on his face- even if it was not as wide as before. "It's simply too bad that you do not get to spend a lot of time together."

"Yeah, it'll - it'll be better. You know, later on." She forced a smile and then raised her red coffee cup to her lips. _Coffee_. She never used to drink that.

The rest of the morning went by less awkwardly, although Kagome's mind was not as focus as she would like and frankly, her appetite was simply not returning. She did her best to hide it from Hojo and he barely seemed to notice. They made a little bit of chitchat until he apologized saying he had to leave for work. She apologized in return for holding him up.

"I said yes because I had time," he said as he dropped some money on the table.

Kagome turned around, ready to retrieve money from her black purse but Hojo stopped her. "I got this."

"No, I…"

He shook his head and put more money on the table. "Honestly, I want to pay, else I'll feel bad."

Either way, she would end up taking someone's money and she felt horrible about it no matter what. A sigh rolled off her lips and she conceded. "Next time, I will pay."

He nodded despite the fact that he would never allow that to happen. It was clear to him that Kagome was not treated as well as she should. He never met her husband but he already felt a certain dislike towards him. Each time he met up with Kagome, the hatred grew. She should not be hanging out with him so much, she should be seeing her own husband. Instead, he manifestly made no attempt to be with her. Yes, he could understand that it might be difficult to be the only provider, regardless of that, Kagome almost died. He _should_ enjoy every single moment he had with her. Even now, he could not comprehend how someone as magnificent and strong as her was doing with a husband of that kind. Why did she agree to marry that guy? She was without doubt unhappy.

It was none of his business.

"I hope we can do it again."

"So do I," she said, clutching her fingers around the curved, leather handle of her purse. It hung in front of her legs, casually smacking against her large black pants with each step she took.

They walked to the bus stop in silence while Hojo hid his hands in the pocket of his beige dress pants. His stop was first. They both came to a halt, awkwardly staring at their feet. Hojo popped his lips and lifted his head, staring into the distance, past the luscious green trees, only to see his bus was coming.

"Thank you for this morning."

"_Thank you_," she said, pink petal lips stretching wide.

He leaned forward slightly, then backward, and then forward again, nervous about the goodbye. He intended on pressing his lips to her cheeks as a thank you for the good morning but he missed. Instead, his lips grazed hers and they both stood that way for a second. He was the first to pull away. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mm-" he stammered, digging through his pockets for his bus pass. He dropped it onto the light grey cement and picked it up rapidly. "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry."

Hojo rapidly turned around and hopped into the bus, unable to look at Kagome any longer. When the black frame plastic doors closed behind him, his heartbeat lessened. He made a very bad mistake and he screwed things up. She was never going to talk to him again. He lost her. He did not even have her and yet he lost her. His cheeks were burning red, his forehead was covered in sweat and he could not even stand to look outside the window; he could not see her face. The morning was so perfect and now, all of it was gone. One gesture and he destroyed everything.

Kagome lifted her hand, brushing her fingertips against her lips. It was not a kiss, it was merely a peck. It happened so quickly that she did not even realize it took place until he tore his lips away from hers. Her heartbeat picked up and she stood there motionless. This was not good. It was an accident, of course it was; nobody would be interest in her but - she could not see Hojo anymore. It would be uncomfortable and she did not even know how she could look at him. This was her escape from the awkwardness of her life. That little piece of heaven was gone. Nothing was normal. Nothing would ever be normal again. She sighed, letting her arm fall to her side. She tugged on her long white shirt and pinched her lips together.

She should go home. She had to go home.

Home. Where her _husband_ was going to avoid her.

She took small steps all the way to her bus stop and then waited by the tall metal pole. After a while, her own bus arrived, memories of the incident flashing through her mind. The entire way, her heart was skipping a beat. She felt wrong, she felt somewhat disgusted with her life. The relationship she had with Sesshomaru was not a relationship. It was a friendship. There was a mutual respect but they were not true mates and they were not husband and wife. He often told her that she should find her own life and leave. He wanted her to be able to do what she wanted. It was not cheating that someone else kissed her on accident. But none of those thoughts erased the feelings inside of her chest. As if she needed something else to feel bad about.

The way home appeared too short and before she knew it, she was standing in front of her front door. She sighed heavily before getting her keys out of her purse and then she unlocked the door. True to form, she found the whole place empty. Relief washed over her and right away she beamed for the bathroom. She needed to clean herself. It would not do much and he would probably still be able to smell Hojo but - that should not make him mad. He wanted her to see him, and she did.

A shower and a good book. That would fix everything right?

-R-

_Clang_.

Kagome sat up in a flash, her book falling upon the ground. She panted, glancing around, confused as to her current location. She quickly realized that she was in her bedroom; she must have fallen asleep while reading. She ran her fingers through her sweaty short hair and licked her dry lips. What woke her up this way? Her heart was racing as she threw her legs over the edge of the bed. Her feet quickly made contact with the cold ground and she walked in direction of the door. She opened it, peaking her head outside. Immediately, she spotted the familiar long silver hair and she nearly coward back into her bedroom. His back was facing her while he appeared to be drinking. Although she could not tell the content of his glass.

She took small breaths, collecting herself as to not let him sense her panic. Then, she closed the door, resting her back against it. Would she truly never speak to him again? That was impossible. The inevitable would eventually happen…and they would have to see each other. She should not hide on the other side of the door. She should come out and maybe even try to speak to him? It was insane to live in the same place and not share a word. _Right_?

Meanwhile, Sesshomaru's long, clawed fingers were tightly wrapped around his glass - he was surprised it had yet to shatter into pieces. Of course he heard her. What did she take him for? His senses were far from dull. As a matter of fact there was a scent that was bothering him. Ever since he stepped into the apartment it assaulted his nose but he had yet to put his finger on it. He quickly gave up, bigger matter weighing on his mind. Plus, he did not want to take a chance and get close to her. All the tips his half-brother gave him, all the trouble he went through to delay this moment…all for nothing. Ever since she wrapped her lips around him…his self control snapped. Moving, going through the motions, proved to be rather difficult.

All he could think about was his intense desire to fuck her senseless. He was no longer a prideful creature, he was a senseless beast, victim of his desires. He disliked it. Which was why he was fighting this as hard as he was. If he were to march over to her and tear her clothes, she would not stop him. She would let him touch her and take her. However, the moment he would do that would be his final surrender and as expected the final step was the hardest to take. Even if he admitted to himself countless times that he could not avoid it. He would accept this more if - if his body was not forcing him. He wanted to remain rational through it all and he could not. Thoughts filled his mind, lust fueled his body… he had no patience, he had no tolerance.

His body would give him no rest until he took her.

He inhaled deeply, feeling his chest with air, and he then proceeded to exhale loudly. He put his glass down on the light marble counter, the swirl pattern reflecting in his clear glass, and then raised the sleeves of his grey shirt. Again, the unknown scent floated around his nostrils. His nose twitched, once then twice… _He knew that scent_. It was that _boy_. There was a flash of red in his eyes, rage threatening to rear its ugly head. He was tensed, he was pushed to his limit. He could barely resist the call of her body, the need to complete what was left uncompleted and now - she was going to push him over the edge? She was going to force him down the path by teasing his jealousy? The first time she came along covered in _his_ scent, he barely controlled himself. He became a disgusting prey of his feelings as if he were a low class youkai.

Her door creaked and he heard her walk outside of her room.

He did not give her time to make it past the doorway.

There was a loud thud. And then, before Kagome could snap her eyes closed, she was violently pushed against her wooden door. It strained underneath the pressure and she winced, her face crunching into a displeasing grimace. Her head hit last causing her to whimper in pain. When she opened her eyes again, Sesshomaru was pressing his body against hers. His large hands were laid flat against the door, right near her waist. His breaths were loud and short as his nose hovered near her sweet, soft neck. The air was knocked out of her chest and she could not even speak. Instead, she stood there, voiceless, while he made his way closer and closer to her lips. It was then that a wave of guilt hit her. _He could not possibly know could he_?

"S-sesshomaru," she managed to say.

He answered by sniffing her face.

"You saw him."

"Who?" She knew who.

"The boy."

She nodded. "We're friends."

_Friends_. It was not friendship he smelled on her. There was a heavy coat of guilt and - and there was something else. He could not focus on it. His control was gone, shredded to pieces and his mind constantly tortured him with images of what she did to him. He only managed to keep himself away from her because they did not cross path. The scent of another was too much, it was sending him over the edge. He knew he hurt her by pushing her against the door and he never meant to do that. Unfortunately if he wanted to keep his control, his sanity, he had to relinquish some in other aspects. His fury was taking over. The tip of his nose brushed up her lips and he growled, a deep growl, coming from within his chest. It rumbled his rib cage and it felt freeing.

There it was. _His scent_. Why was his scent on her lips? Did she kiss him on the cheek? Was it not how humans greeted each other? Or how they said goodbye? _The guilt_. She felt guilty. It was all over her masking her scent and turning it disgusting. There was only one reason why she would feel guilty and the conception of it was enough to cause him to show his fangs.

"Did you like it?"

"W-what?"

Each time he growled, it echoed through her own body. She could hear the way his claws were digging at the wood, slowly chipping it, while it barely held on to support her. _He was mad_. She never saw him mad.

His face lowered and he buried himself in the crook of her neck. "Did you like it when the boy kissed you?"

"Sesshomaru - it -it wasn't like that." She was trying to explain herself even though she did not have to do so. Maybe it would help to ease the guilt swirling in her chest. "It was an accident."

"He wants you." It was there, in the boy's scent. He desired the miko.

"No, no we're just friends."

Fangs nipped at her skin and she tilted her head backwards in reaction. There it was; the need to get rid of the other male's scent. He experienced that before. Except the last time it happened he was not so close to giving in. Would he come back from it? He dragged his tongue along her shoulder, tasting her skin, along with the saltiness that came from it. She moulded her body against his, pushing her chest to his. He finally tore his hands away from the door and instead used them to grab her waist tightly. Prickling claws poked at her side and she pinched her lips firmly together.

Another man wanted her. Someone could take her away.

That was what should happen. It was what he told her from the beginning. That she would be free of him. He should pull away, he should persuade her to take the other male. But he could not. Instead, everything inside of him was screaming at him, telling him to make sure nobody else could have her.

"Should I let him have you?" he asked, small breathes puffing at her skin, as he lowered himself to her collarbone. It was a terrible phrasing. He did not own her, he could not give her to another. Yet, the words felt right in his mouth. His instincts screamed at him, displeased that he was willing to give her away. Except that giving her away was what he should be doing. It was the rational decision.

Kagome's whole body was frozen as his hands caressed the side of her body, leaving trails of goosebumps behind. She felt his soft touch trail from beneath her breasts, teasing her but never touching the mounds, and then he went all the way down to her hips. Her shirt acted as a barrier between them and yet she could feel the heat of his touch. She held her breathe, never daring to glaze down at him. She saw him this jealous and possessive once and she did not want to provoke it further. Last time, he touched her, cleansing her body of Hojo's scent. He seemed to intend on doing the same thing again.

"_Should I?"_ he repeated, his voice low, every word strained.

She ran her tongue over her lips and managed to shake her head. She did not want Hojo. She already accepted her twisted fate; the one where she developed unnecessary feelings for a man who could not feel. Each step took her deeper into her own personal hell but she was fine with that. Her heart was not volatile, she could not feel for two people at the same time.

Silky strands of hair brushed against her face as he raised his head and body, towering over her. The treads of silver tickled her flesh while he bore his eyes straight into hers. Melted gold sucked her in and her pink lips parted. He tore his eyes away from her, glancing around at her face, as though he was trying to catch her in a lie. "This is difficult."

She swallowed hard. "I-I'm sorry."

Perfect silver eyebrows arched, he leaned in, lips hovering over her flesh.

"For yesterday," she explained, the heat of her body too much to bear. He was right there, nearly touching her but not touching her at all at the same time. She refused to be the one to lean in, to be the one to put them in an uncomfortable situation yet again.

Kagome saw the bewilderment in his eyes, assuredly stumped by her declaration. He put his cheek to hers and for the first time in a while, she let herself breathe, filling her weak lungs with air. "Why?"

"You- you-" He what? She was not even sure. "You didn't like it."

A very foreign sound escaped his throat. He _chortled._ There was a need hidden there along with pain but she never took noticed. She was mesmerized by this sound she never heard him make before.

She thought he did not enjoy it? Was she kidding? It was the plague of his existence. It broke the tread holding back his self control. Ever since she touched him, licked him, _sucked_ him, he was unable to return to what he was. Memories refused to leave him alone and sensations were burned in his mind for the rest of his life. Waiting was straining, it was killing him. Even now, he could feel her tiny body near his and he wanted to take her legs and wrap them around his waist. The need could hardly be controlled and now that he was this close to her, the scent of her arousal playing with him, teasing him, he wondered why control himself? Why not take her?

They did everything else.

Why not this?

Why not give in? It was no longer about pride. It was the next natural occurrence.

Kagome watched the emotions flash through his face, her confusion only growing. Did he or did he not enjoy it? This was ridiculous. They could not - _they had to talk_. She slowly raised her hands and put them on his shoulders. Slender fingers wrapped around his strong shoulders and all of his movements stopped. His eyes focused on her and she gasped. There was something there that she did not recognize. It should probably be terrifying and yet, it ignited something inside of her. Instead, she clutched his shoulders tighter and held her breathe. She should be pushing him away so that they could have a proper conversation and somehow she was doing none of that.

He was close, so close that he could smell Hojo. He needed the scent off.

His lips crashed against hers with a need that she rarely saw. His hands dropped to her waist again, pushing her against him. She tilted her head to the left which gave him better access to her mouth. He nipped, he bit. He did not pull away until her lips were swollen with the need he left behind. Her lips were moist and plump by the time he was done and the fire inside her was growing in size. His hands gripped the bottom of her yellow shirt and he rapidly began to lift it over her head. She did not fight him. Instead, she raised her arms and let him take it off. There was always a hesitance, a need to hide her disgusting body but not this time. Sesshomaru was not a liar and he saw her naked countless times.

If he had a problem with it, he would have said so by now.

Despite that, it did not mean her self confidence was any better. She was still ashamed but she saw no reason to hide it.

Fingertips tickled her ribs before large hands cupped her small breasts. Thumbs flickered over her nipples forcing a quiet moan out of her throat. Fangs found their way to her earlobe and he gently sucked on the sensitive skin, making her knees weak. Her own hands rested on his clothed chest, feeling the stiffness of the fabric beneath her touch. Delicate, shaky fingers fumbled with the white, round buttons of his shirt and she undid them one by one. She swallowed hard, his ministrations near her neck never ending. Her chest bubbled with warmth while she finally freed him from the constraint of his clothing. She used her hands to push apart the fabric, revealing a chiseled chest. Her digits trailed over the warm, stretched skin and her eyes were mesmerized for a moment.

He tore away from her sweet skin, the taste of her filling his mouth. He _knew_ where her taste was sweeter but it was not his goal today. What was his goal? He could feel the redness seeping into his eyes, taking over the white. His primal side was awake demanding he took what he should have taken from the start. He was animalistic at his core and though the humanoid form usually helped him think with a clear head, it currently had no impact. The beast, the animal inside, wanted out. It wanted to play, it wanted to know why he refused to complete the bond. It should hurt him, the link tugging at him, crying out as it remained incomplete. And yet, he resisted so far. Could he do it again?

Sesshomaru glanced down at her, watching her chest rise up and down, the blush on her cheeks and the breathlessness of her face.

Her hands felt cold against his skin and he peered at her actions, watching as her hands lowered all the way to his black leather belt. Fingertips rested upon the edge but she never grabbed it, never made an attempt to undress him further.

He let go of her body and slowly removed his shirt, allowing it to drop upon the ground. Then, he gripped at her sides, claws forcing to way into the skin of her rear, and he lifted her up. Again, her back made a harsh contact with the door. At once, her core was pressed into his erection and he hissed at the friction, the need only growing. He rolled his hips a few times, giving into the pressing need nudging at him from deep inside. His thoughts were not so clear, jumbling around, and his judgement was patently impaired. None of that reasoning put a halt to his juvenile actions.

Sesshomaru leaned into her chest, capturing a begging, hard, dusty pink nipple between his teeth and he began sucking. She panted above him, fingers coming to tangle in his long silver locks. A deep pink blush formed on her cheeks, painting her pale skin with some colors. Lips parted again, letting out a deliciously quiet moan. He used his hand to give attention to the other lonely breast, kneading the flesh gently. Each time his tongue swirled around the peak, tasting and demanding, he would brush up against her core. The feel of the fabric of his black pants rubbing against his painfully erected cock was enough to drive him insane. There was no longer a sufficient amount of contact, nothing was enough.

He tore his mouth away from her breast, never missing the quiet whimper that she emitted. A growl begged to be release from deep within him, but he held it back. Wanting more of her, he lowered her back on the ground, allowing her to stand back on her own two legs. Luscious, red demanding lips found their way to her navel, his tongue encircling it, and then he took a nibble before he traveled further down. Her pants were far too wide for her, allowing him to lower them without even much of a tug. He gripped her underwear and lowered them as well. His actions revealed a thiny dispersed patch of black curls and immediately, she buckled as he buried his nose in it.

Her hands lowered from his hair to his bare shoulders where she dug blunt nails into his flesh. His skin was reminiscent of silk and her fingers were only demanding to venture lower and lower - which was an impossible talk considering their current position. It did not mean she did not try to cover more surface with her fingertips. Suddenly, air was forced into her lungs when she gasped. Cold air wrapped around her legs as she realized he completely threw her pants upon the ground, and all that remained on - well half on - was her grey, very unattractive, underwear. The pants bundled at her feet which greatly restricted her movements. Neither of them appeared to mind.

Sesshomaru then rose back up, bending his back forward slightly so that their eyes were at the same level. His lips were awfully closed to hers, allowing her to feel their warmth, the ghost of their touch. She found herself leaning forward, pressing her trembling petals against his firm mouth. Shyly, her tongue poked out and before it even lapped at the seam of his lips, they opened, allowing her entrance. Naked chests collided, her breasts flattening against his muscular pectorals. She panted against his lips while he kissed the corner of her mouth. She closed her eyes, tilting her head backwards, the feelings drowning her into a warmth.

She bore her neck to him and instincts kicked in rapidly. Fangs poked from his mouth and he attacked that sweet neck. Sesshomaru began at the top, right below her jaw and then he trailed down along the edge all to way to his mark. It was faints now, two puncture holes barely left behind. Instincts would demand he bite her again to make it more vivid now that it would be complete. Her body shivered under the ministrations and pride swelled in his chest. Cold palms touched his sides and while she kept her eyes closed, losing herself in his fangs, her hands moved to the dips below his hips. Her fingers fit perfectly into the dips while she applied a small pressure, unable to bear the feelings he was providing her with.

As her touch neared the place he yearned for her touch, the memories took over his mind. Why was is impossible for him to forget that submissive position? When he was touching her, he could forget, he could do his daily activities. When the situation was reversed he appeared to be screwed.

He jerked his hips forward, forcing her hands lowered than his hips. She gasped again and he felt the vibration of her throat against his fangs. This time the growl slipped him and he let his mouth find her collarbone. He nibbled at it, fangs threatening to break the skin. Instead, he simply left red marks behind, like he did on her neck. Kagome dug her fingers into his thighs, her hands accidently almost cupping his erection. He pushed his pelvis against hers, greedy hands moving back to her rear to knead the delicious flesh. He squeezed hard, molding the skin to the shape of his palms while his claws bruised the surface of the skin, leaving a trail of crimson behind. His mouth returned to her breasts, missing the feeling of them filling his mouth.

This was not a Sesshomaru who was teasing her, testing her. This was different and her heart raced thinking about where it was all heading. That step? Now? Her heart ached at the sentiment of everything included in that action. She would be lost further and he would get further away from what he was. They would both lose and yet, she could not tame down the fire inside of her. Her body yearned for him, caved under his touch and even if she wanted to stop it, she learned a long time ago that she was unable to do so. The moment he planted that mark on her neck she was doomed. It might have saved her from death, but it lead her in another dark and twisted path.

One where she suffered mentally rather than physically. Although the cancer did take quite the mental toll on her.

"_Wait_."

She was kidding, she had to be kidding. She did not say _wait_. And yet, he had to listen. If for any reason she wanted to stop this - he could not… he would never lower himself as to go against her wishes.

He pulled himself away from her breasts, releasing her nipple from his hold. Inside, she cursed herself but she knew this was necessary. They could not do something he might end up regretting. She would not let it happen. This was costing him enough as it was. He did not need to sacrifice another part of himself in the process.

"We don't have anything."

His eyes searched hers, trying to understand what she meant but he came up blank.

"P-protection," she stuttered. Kami, she felt akin to a high school kid. They nearly had sex but she could not talk about condoms?

"What?" The word came out before he truly contemplated about it.

"I, hm, I have my period again. I just- you wouldn't want a baby." She cleared her throat. "An hanyou."

He frowned, lines bunching around his eyes. _Right_. It was not that long ago that she still held on to the belief that he hated _all_ humans. He supposed it would come to no surprise that she believed he despised hanyous. He disliked his half-brother. There was a difference. He had no patience for weakness, for greediness and stupidity. His beliefs and hatred shifted over the years. An hanyou as child would not be the worst thing. Obviously he knew he would need an heir eventually. The plan was to wait - despite the fact that he knew she would make a great mother. Everyone brought up the topic of children lately. Except, she never did. Did she fear she might end up carrying his child? No, she clearly stated that _he_ would not want it.

She was right.

Except that plans… fell apart.

His desire to find a full youkai female was - nearly foolish. Not that it truly matter. Kagome was strong, a miko and she held good values. She would be a wonderful mother who would raise her children right. The fact that _he_ waited this long was mostly based on the fact that he never felt the need to mate or the need to rut. Before he laid his mark on her… he wanted neither of those things.

What if he did not want it again once she passed away?

What if he never found anyone to bear his heir?

He needed at least one. Just one.

Sesshomaru detached his body from hers and stared into her eyes. He saw the hesitance and the hint of fear. Her arousal was not as pronounced, probably because of his long lasting silence. Although his cock remained erect, his own mind was distracted. Many thoughts were running through and he wondered if any of it - if any of it was possible…

He remembered her guilt when he followed through with his obligation._Re-ally, thank you. I don-t kn-ow how I'll e-ver re-pay you for this. There is no need. _He said there was no need because he was not doing it to obtain something in return. He did it because it was his duty, his promise to his dying half-brother. As an alpha of the pack, he respected it.

But could he? Could he ask for something?

"It would not be bothersome."

His words almost shocked him more than her.

"W-what?"

"It would not be an hindrance to myself."

He was not saying what she believed he was. It was impossible because Sesshomaru did not want an hanyou child and he certainly did not want it with her. He - no, it was an assumed fact. No children would come from this. It was - no it did not make any sense. Fear raced through her veins and sent her blood pumping. Eyes jolted around his face, hoping to see the crack in his facade. It was a joke. But Sesshomaru never joked. Everything he said he meant. Perhaps it was what made it all so scary.

"Y- you want a child?" she said before swallowing the lump in her throat.

"Perhaps." He cleared his throat. "It would be convenient." It would give a purpose to all this. He was to step over his boundaries, do something he would have never done. He was about to become an animal to the instincts she influenced in him. Should he not obtain something from this? And she would as well. He knew she once desired children or she would have never been a mother to the kit. "I require an heir and I do not normally find myself in _such_ situations."

She should tell him how insane it was but she did not. Sesshomaru did not give into carnal desires. Before he mated her, he had none. This was brought forward by the fact that he saved her life. He saved her life, married her and cared for her without receiving anything in return. She got to live, she got to take money worries away from her family… she had a chance to start over. He wanted a life. A life for a life. It almost sounded logical and fair and yet… she could not bring herself to speak. The feeling of her heart pressing in her rib cage was painful. Thinking hurt. Breathing was unthinkable. She already could feel the tears stinging at her eyes.

It was then that he put distance between their bodies.

The mood was gone, that much was clear in spite of the fact that everything else remained confusing.

Children crossed his mind a few times. However, he hardly thought he would be asking for one.

"I shall give you time to think about it." He tugged on his pants, lifting him them up a bit as they lowered when her legs were around him. It made his cock twitch. All this talk and it refused to go down. No wonder if he felt much the same as a reckless child. He could not even control his own body.

Kagome did not nod. She simply stayed there with her back pressed against the door, her mind running a million thoughts a second.

A child… with Sesshomaru?

This was an alternate universe. It had to be.

-R-

"Kagome?"

There was a hint of worry in Dr. Izu's voice as she tried yet again to obtain the young girl's attention. Although there was slight panic tickling at her senses, her face remained calm. It was clear that a situation had greatly upset Kagome, which was the reason why she called for an emergency session, and Izu did not want to interfere and provoke any changes that might inflict a worse result. Kagome remained in a fragile state and nobody wanted to see her go over the edge. She rarely did emergency situation like this but when she heard the panic in Kagome's voice…

Kagome's blue eyes were darting around the room, her jean clothed knees pressed into her soft cotton blue shirt, while her arms were wrapped around her legs. In a normal situation, she would not be putting her dirty white sneakers on top of her psychologist's expensive brown leather armchair but today, her etiquette did not follow her all the way to Dr. Izu's office. Instead, all of her attention was focused on her keeping her calm and remaining collected. She wanted to cry and yell at the same time. Everything was bouncing around in her head.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

This idea was completely insane; she should not be here. She could not talk about his or she would end up evoking a crazy person. Regardless, the weight of the emotions, the pressure of the duty was unbearable and despite how hard she tried, Kagome was uncertain of how she could keep this locked inside without exploding. After Sesshomaru left her side she found herself unable to think straight and completely incompetent when it came to slowing down her own heartbeat. How could he propose something like this so casually without even talking? Why did he not need time to process big changes?

Finally, Kagome allowed her gaze to meet Dr. Izu's. She sighed, giving up. She intertwined her fingers, desperately wishing it would keep them steady. "I - He wants children."

Dr. Izu blinked slowly, attempting to understand the source of Kagome's distress. "Wouldn't that be a resolution of conflict? You were rather intent on believing he did not wish for children while you did."

"I was wrong." _It _was all wrong. Unconsciously, she slipped her bottom lip between her teeth and slowly gnawed away at the flesh, ripping it by strand.

Nothing was said until blood began to emerge out of the pink membrane.

"Do you no longer desire children?"

Children was what the old Kagome wanted. The new Kagome knew she would not bear any. First, it was because of her impending death, then came along her mating with Sesshomaru and now - there were many reasons that stood in the way of motherhood. All of them perfectly valid. Having children, that was - insane.

"I-" But there was nothing she could say.

"How did you get there?" she inquired, putting down her pad and pen. "This was a problem to the relationship and your happiness. Instead of fixing it, the solution became a bigger problem. Why?"

"He's not forcing me. He asked." She could say no, he offered her that possibility. Although, saying no would make her quite the ungrateful bitch would it not?

"No wishing for motherhood is a perfectly acceptable choice." Kagome was avoiding her question, something Izu was used to but she knew it she did not get her to speak a little more, this hurdle would stomp them. "Is there a reason you changed your mind?"

"I didn't - I didn't answer."

How crazy she probably looked... A few sessions ago she was drowning in a loneliness, her heart somewhat shattered by the supposition that she would never have a family. Now, he was asking her to give him something she wanted, and she was running in the other direction. It was fine to imagine it, knowing she would not have it. Back when it was an insane thought, it was not scary.

"Why not?"

"I don't know how to do it."

Izu smiled. "Nobody knows how to be a mother until they become one."

Yes, but those people were not broken inside, there was nothing wrong with them. She was a basket case, sitting in her psychologist's office, near the edge of an outburst because someone asked her to have a child with them. Certainly that did not meet the good mothers requirement. Dr. Izu should be convincing her that she was right, not that she was wrong. She should tell her that motherhood was out of the question. Then again, the woman had no idea how insane this whole situation was. Her marriage was a scam, her life was a lie and she should not be alive.

She could not take care of herself. She needed people always hovering over her, catering to her needs both mentally and physically. What kind of mother would she be? A sick excuse of a mother? When she thought of mother, her mind wandered about her own. She was kind, she was strong and she found the inner peace and strength to raise two children on her own. That required body strength and mental stability. Her mother lost her husband and kept her will to leave. She fought through the horrible gossip, through the hardships and she came out strong. Pain never stopped her mother, neither did loss. Those things seemed to have put a halt to Kagome.

Not that long ago, she barely got out of bed. She had no social life, she had no energy to maintain one. Some days, Sesshomaru and her barely spoke. She was fine with being locked in her own world. She fed herself because food was there. She rarely cooked for herself. When did she get dress? Only when necessary. Alright maybe a little more lately but that was because she was getting out of the house. What kind of mother would be this pathetic? How could she inflict herself on a poor child that did not wish to be born, that did not pick her to be his mother?

"But they still have the potential to be a good mother," Kagome defended. She did not.

"You think you lack the skills to be a good mother?"

Was she not listening? Could she not see in her eyes the words she could not say? After many seances it should be clear that the last person who should be a mother was her. She could not take her of her own mental state. She had to pay someone to make sure she did not let her life end. Clearly a life should not be put into her hands. She had no goal, she had nothing. She barely managed to get a job. She had no education. She could not provide anything. This was wrong, it was all wrong. She was taking steps, trying to build herself back up…

"I - I shouldn't have come here," Kagome finally said. She clutched her fingers around her thighs, pinching the fat less skin.

The panic in her eyes was obvious; she was about to run. "Kagome. If you called, you needed to talk. There is no judgement here. I am simply here to help you understand yourself."

"There is nothing to understand. The answer is clear."

It was not. She should not be a mother, she could not handle her own life, her own survival. However, she owed Sesshomaru. Where did that leave her?

"Kagome..."

"I'm sorry I wasted your time."

Tears were burning her eyes while she threw herself off the seat. She nearly tripped forward but she caught herself at the last second. Loud steps were heard while she ran out of the room, her lungs already burning from the effort. She did not know why she presumed she might find an answer here. How could she find the truth in a room full of lies? This was not the way, this was not how she would bring peace to her trouble mind.

She had nothing, she had no one.

-R-

He worked overtime.

He did not donethat in a while, despite the fact that he should have considering he had an extra person to support - not that Kagome cost him a lot of money. Yet, with everything, he found himself drafting away from overtime and late night at works where everyone was so insufferable. Tonight, it was highly welcomed. The stress coming from Kagome was infuriating and the strain on his body was chipping away at his strength. He disliked feeling so unsettled and yet he could not avoid it. Work was annoying but later in the evening, when almost everyone was gone, it was fairly quiet and he could easily tolerate it. More than he could tolerate being in his suffocating apartment.

When he reached the apartment, he could not see any light coming from under the door. Could it be that she already excused herself for the night? He flipped his wrist before pushing the black sleeve of his jacket out of the way. He glanced down at his silver watch. It was merely seven o'clock. There was no way she was sleeping. He flipped his keys in his hand, causing them to jingle, and he unlocked the door. Once he was inside, all he found was darkness. There was not a single light turned on. He quietly closed the door behind him, not wanting to wake her.

Although, her silence was slowly driving him insane. The request was simple. Either she said yes or she said no. He said those words meaning he could not take them back. He did not retract himself and he certainly would never say that anything that came out of his mouth was foolish. The plan did make sense. Should she not want to be a mother? Did he not offer her a solution as well? She insisted on remaining by his side despite the fact that he give her a way out. This seemed to be the only way she would obtain what she sought.

A sigh was let out and then he was about to head to his own room for the night when he suddenly detected the faint scent of her presence. Except that it was not coming from her bedroom like he expected. Instead, she was located somewhere in the kitchen. He turned his head to the left, his ponytail swinging along with his head. He looked at the refrigerator and around it but he did not see her. He walked towards the grey marble counter and leaned against it. An eyebrow arched, an idea forming in his head and he tilted his body over the middle of the counter.

There she was.

All he could see was the dark crown of her hair as she sat down on the floor. Her back was against the cherry wooden part of the counter, her legs stretched out in front of her, revealing her baggy dark jeans. However, what truly attracted his attention was the bottle nestled in her left hand. The dark red color of the sake barely reached half way of the dark glass bottle. Alcohol. He never saw her drink before. He did not think it was an activity that appealed to her and yet, there she was drinking in the complete darkness.

And all this time, she never noticed his presence.

He pulled himself away from the counter and silently walked around it until he was standing beside her. "Kagome," he greeted.

She raised her head, almost distorting her neck, and looked up at him. "Oh. Sesshomaru." Pink flashed on her cheeks and he watched intrigued while she scrambled to her feet. She gripped the counter with her free hand, holding the bottle in the other. "How was your day?"

He saw her glance at the clock, and then, it dawned upon her that it was quite late but she did not comment on it. Instead, her gaze moved back to his face.

"Fine." It was not his business to comment on her drinking choices.

Her fingers were wrapped tightly around the head of the bottle and she was dying to hide it behind her back but she was aware of how pointless it was. He already saw it and if she tried to conceal it, she would simply appear foolish. He could add drunk to the list of terrible flaws she had. She was embarrassed; she did not mean to drink. She got home, remembered that it was a while since her last meal. She meant to find a little something to snack on, like crackers, but instead she found this. At first, it was supposed to be one small glass. Something to calm her nerves, to allow her to have this conversation with him.

It all turned wrong.

Before she knew it, it was another and another.

At least she stopped before reaching a state of drunkenness. Her body was bubbly with warmth and there was a veil over her thoughts, but she knew what she was doing and she was in perfect control of herself. Plus, she was sober enough to be ashamed. Tipsy was perhaps a better word. Yes, tipsy. Warmed up. She almost felt knowledgeable on the topic despite the fact that she never drank a sip of alcohol before today.

"I'll replace it."

He arched an eyebrow at her.

"The bottle. I shoulda asked."

He shook his head faintly.

"You live here as well. You are welcome to all the items you might find."

Honestly, he forgot that was his. He thought she purchased it today. He could not even remember for the life of him why he bought such thing. Perhaps it was during the beginning of his new pathetic life.

"I still want to replace."

"As you wish."

He was acting completely normal, as though he had not made that impossible request of her. Did he forget? Did he not mean it? It swirled a fury inside of her. She should not be angry at him but now she was. This was nothing for him, he could simply brush it up. It turned her world upside down, it tore her from the inside and destroyed all that she slowly built up. For him it was a request, a few innocent words. And it should be. She was the one over reacting, but she could not bottle up the feelings; they were spilling out of her. All the things she ever wanted were taken from her. Her friends. Inuyasha. Her life there. Her chance at being normal. She even almost lost her life. She gave up everything and everything was taken from her. She always wanted a family and then accepted that she would not have one. And now that she could not be a good mother, life was teasing her with the idea of becoming one.

What did she do to deserve this cruelty? She was a good person was she not? At least… she tried to be.

"Why?"

"What are you referring to?" he inquired while leaning against the sink.

"Why did you ask me that?"

Her response remained vague but he knew what she meant. There was a look in her eyes he did not recognize. Actually, that was a lie. He saw it before...in another life time. For a moment, she looked like the girl he met in his father's grave.

"The thought that you might desire to be a mother has crossed my mind."

"Do you want to be a father?"

"I do require an heir."

"Why me?"

"It is convenient considering our situation. Also, I do believe you would be a competent mother."

Kagome felt something snapped inside of her. Why did everyone think that? Could they not see her? Did they not see all that she saw each time she stared in the mirror?

"I CAN'T BE A MOTHER."

Kagome was conflicted as to who was more shocked by her outburst; him or her? When was the last time she raised her voice? And why did she have to do it to Sesshomaru out of all people.

He blinked slowly but remained collected. "And why not?" Part of him did not want to condone the fire spilling out of her. It was new, it was thrilling.

"I -" Why did she need to justify the obvious? "Look at me! I'm useless. I can't take care of myself!" As she swung her arms around, the bottle followed, nearly spilling out from time to time. "I have nothing. I am nothing." They were all missing the truth about her. Her cheeks were red from the rage seeping from her body. "Why do you all think I am who I used to be?" She missed that person more than them but there was no going back.

Her phrasing was a bit confusing but he did not comment on it. He doubted her mother made the same comments.

"I wanted them. I wanted children, I wanted a family." Tears slid down her cheeks but her voice had yet to crack. "I can't have them. I don't know how to take care of them. I don't know how to take care of me."

He took a step forward, shortening the distance between them. "Wallowing in self pity does not suit you." He was fine with the raised voice and the stomps of rage. This however was highly annoying.

"I? What?" Everyone had it wrong. They could not make the distinction. "What self respecting mother has to see a shrink simply to keep on living?"

This time, she managed to stun him into silence. Shrink? She was referring to herself? He contemplated back to moments, memories. She wanted the number - for the health insurance. Was this why? His gaze became colder and he focused his amber orbs on her. He was aware of her despair but it never crossed his mind that it ran so deep.

It took her a moment to catch on. She told him. Why did she tell him? Panic settled in her chest and panic flashed through her eyes.

To keep on living, she said. He felt a part of him snap and before he knew it, he used his speed to grab her and push her against the counter. She bent backwards, the air knocked out of her bottle she used to hold so tightly slipped from her grip and shattered upon the ground. Shards of green flew around while a red liquid spilled from the ground, staining everything in its vicinity. He put his hands on the counter and on each side of her and leaned over her body. "I have respected my obligation. I have saved your life - with a cost." He never hid the fact that all the emotions were displeasing to him. Though she still winced at his words.

"You will not forfeit your life."

"I have not," she defended despite the fear running through her. It came out wrong. "It was hard, I - I needed help." She tried to sound assure but her voice wavered. She did not know how to solve the mess that was her life and she needed someone to show her where to begin.

"You are not this." He might not have been - her friend back then, but he knew she would have never considered giving up. She stood up to him for crying out loud.

"I'm not a fighter. I - I have nothing to fight for." Izu's words echoed in her mind.

"Then find something else. Pity is not a suitable goal."

"I'm not looking for _pity_." Despite whatever stage she might have found herself in, she never asked for pity, she never wanted it. She did try to stand on her own. She reached out a few times but only because the feelings were overwhelming her, drowning her and she feared for herself. Throughout the whole ordeal she put on a strong face. How dare he?

"You don't know me."

"I know what you have shown."

Her chest rose high with anger, her face crisping. "Maybe you weren't looking. Maybe you didn't care."

"Should I?" He crept his face closer to hers. "Should I care?"

"You should care about not saying lies."

Sesshomaru used to build her up with his words. It was not because he cared, it was because he always spoke his mind truthfully. She used him as a pillar to bring herself back up. Now, he was tearing her apart. Every time a situation upset her, she found herself turning to sadness. Except tonight. Rage was seeping in her blood, traveling through her body. When was the last time she was angry? When she found out the injustice of her fate? Most likely. She used to flip about the littlest thing and be very vocal about the things she disliked. Then, death lurked around and she lost that will.

Not anymore.

"I have no time for foolish lies."

"Don't say I fight for pity."

"Then what do you fight for, miko?"

"Nothing," she ended up whispering. That was the problem, she found nothing to fight for - and she tried. She did not want this, she did not want to be this.

He appeared to be pondering her words for a second and then he grasped her hips, squeezing them. "You have nothing, you want nothing." His hands wasted no time in sliding down to her rear, grabbing it before lifting her off the ground. As a reflex, her legs hooked around him, keeping her stable. Long clawed fingers slipped under her shirt, tickling her skin. "You do not want this," he said, his voice lower.

Her rage was becoming his rage and he did not know where his began and hers ended.

He forcefully kneaded the mounds through her bra. "This does nothing. There is no want." His control was slipping from him, her words provoking unwanted reactions.

His erection was digging into her core and this time, he did not hold himself back. He was dry humping her, causing the scent of her arousal to grow stronger. Pity was very displeasing and he knew she was more than that. Except he failed to understand why she reduced herself to that. She had a life. Why did she need a shrink to talk to her, why could she not pull through? There was nothing wrong with her. She was a fighter, someone who battled through the end. Battles had low points and high points - especially low points. When did she forget that?

His hands sneaked beneath her bra, grazing her breasts, before he moved forward and nibbled on her ear. "You feel nothing?" Lust was clouding his mind, the need making it hard to keep his body straight. His fangs pierced the lobe and though she yelped he smelled the surge of arousal coming from her.

Hands caressed her breasts with attention, leaving hard nipples behind. She was panting while he licked the blood leaking from the small puncture wounds. "You want nothing?" he inquired, his voice husky as he pulled his lips away from her ear.

"You don't want this," she said between puff breathes while completely ignoring the questions he was asking her.

He already knew her body was craving , he did not know what he was doing to her heart. She was not certain if it was pain or thrill but her heart was ready to burst from her chest. She could not catch her breathe, her eyes were burning from her tears and the need of wrath still pulsed through her body. She forgot how to feel so many emotions at the same time. She wanted to push him away and bring him closer and she did not know which one to choose. Which one would do the most damage?

"It is not a situation I would have put myself into. However, I do not pity myself. I _take_."

Was it not why he made the proposition? He was in this situation and it was not what he wanted originally but it was not the worst and he could obtain certain things from it.

"I am aware of what I want, what I fight for." If he did not, he would have lost his mind in this human world where he was reduced to be nothing more than a pawn. He was bidding his time, he was waiting. He never lost his pride and sense of honor.

"You want nothing. You fight for nothing," he said against her flesh, peppering a trail of kisses on her marked flesh.

He was mocking her, it was unnerving. "I wa-want things."

"Oh?" he inquired, acutely sarcastic. "What do you want?"

There was something about him she did not recognize. There was something about herself that she did not recognize either. His hands were back on her, claws prickling at her behind and thumbs digging beneath her hips. Her legs hooked around him was the reason she was not on the ground. It was taking most of her strength, forcing her to work a sweat. His eyes were locked on hers, demanding an answer.

She was lost.

Her mind knew what it wanted. Her body never had a doubt. Her heart knew where it was heading. One leap. It would not fix anything, it would not give her a purpose, it would not give her something to fight for.

"Are you a shell?" he asked when she remained silent. "Can you truly feel nothing? Nothing inspires you, nothing angers you?" Why did it make him so mad that she had nothing to fight for? It did not concern him? Were these his own emotions?

"A lot of things anger me."

"What angers you?"

"You."

He wanted her to say things she did not want to say. He wanted her to look at things she did not want to face. He was pushing her outside of her comfort zone.

"Then fight it."

And she did.

Before her brain even processed her actions she had grabbed his shirt, crashing their lips together. Tongues wasted no time in circling together. The taste of her blood remained in his mouth, though she could not detect it. To him, it felt spicier than usual. Her arms looped around his neck, holding on to him while he moved his hands under her thighs, holding her and allowing her a bit of a rest. He pushed them further on the counter, dropping her rear upon the hard counter. His hands moved to her jeans, snapping the button open. Her heart raced but she never once pulled her lips away from his. The strain left behind after being teased for days was vividly present and he found himself running out of patience.

This was it.

The moment he ran from since the beginning, it was here.

And it could not be more wrong.

He grabbed the hem of her jeans and slowly began to tug on them. He tore himself away from her and stared into her eyes while he kept tugging. After a moment, she lifted herself up and untangled her legs from him. It allowed him to drop them to the ground. Stress over took her body and suddenly she found herself unable to look at him. She hid her face in the crook of his neck. This answered none of the questions but the need was ringing through her. She did not think she could handle any more teasing. She might not feel better afterwards but she could not feel any worse could she? Rage and lust mixed inside her blood and it was driving her and her needs.

She knew why he looked into her eyes. He was waiting for her to confirm he could proceed.

They were fighting. He said awful things to her and she wanted to push his chest, she wanted to yell, yell all the things she kept locked inside.

Her fingers fumbled to his pants and she undid his belt before moving on to his zipper. She said he angered her. He asked her to do something about it and she kissed him. She could not have any of the things she wanted. She could not even have his heart. But she could have this. It was always going to happen and now it would happen because she initiated it.

As soon as the zipper was down, his pants fell to the floor, leaving him in silky black boxers. His shirt was still on and so was hers but it did not appear to matter. She untucked herself from underneath his chin and glanced into his eyes. _Yes he angered her_. He teased her with things she could never have. He believed she could be things she could never be. Why did he see these things? Why did he make her heart pump with need and sadness at the same time? She was always sad, never angry. She was always quiet, never loud. It made her wrath run deeper. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to be loud. She could _not_ be a mother. And yet, could she say no? Probably not. Then, it should only be fair that he could no longer be himself.

He had to take that step over the edge.

She grabbed her own underwear and slipped it off.

The scent of her arousal hit him full force and he bury his mouth in the crook of her neck. Warm lips hovered over her mating mark and he nibbled.

Kagome's chest was heaving, her head swirling. She could only manage to take small breathes. Earlier, she thought she might have upset him, push it too far. It almost appeared ridiculous now. Her thoughts were interrupted by her own gasp. Suddenly, there was a warmth, hard length pressed against her core and she could do nothing but hold her breathe. A steady arm wrapped around her, keeping her still. The blush on her cheek was worsened and she slightly spread her legs. She saw his focus look as he positioned himself between her leg, the tip of his cock pressing at her entrance. He could already feel her wetness spreading across his tip. Their eyes met for a brief moment but they quickly broke all eye contact.

He knew first times could be painful. He simply was not aware what the best course of action was; all at once or slowly?

Sesshomaru went with all at once.

A silent cry passed her lips as she threw herself against his chest. A tingle of pain traveled all the way to her heart and for a moment she forgot how to breathe. Everything was pain while she felt herself being stretched in ways she never experienced before. Sharp intakes of air were taken while her body shook. He remained perfectly still while she dug her fingers into his back, through his shirt. Meanwhile, Sesshomaru was resisting the urge to groan. It was tight, squeezing him, almost as if she was trying to push him out. And warm - she was warm and slick. His cock was pulsing, and he was dying to thrust in and out but kept himself steady. She was crisp and steady beneath him and he did not take that as a good sign.

The lust that previously shielded around them was dissipating.

He might have made the wrong choice.

Kagome finally swallowed and then took a deep breathe. Slowly, the pain was fading away. Instead of hurting her, the _stretching_ was starting to feel rather good. Unconsciously, she began to roll her hips slightly. The moment she did so, Sesshomaru groaned - loudly. His large hands moved to hold her steady and he began thrusting against her. At first, he was slow, building up the tension. Then came her moans. There were quiet sounds, not like the ones she uttered before. It jolted him right through his cock. He never wanted this, he never needed this but - it was a feeling he could not describe. His mind was drawing a blank while he picked up his speed, her ass smacking against the counter, though neither seemed to notice.

Kagome wrapped her fingers around his biceps, trying to control the sounds coming out of her mouth. It was too much, the sensation tingling at her whole body and all she could do was curl her toes while he pounded inside of her. It was overwhelming, her whole skin scorching as though someone lite it on fire. Her mouth was dry as she panted heavily, holding on to Sesshomaru was best she could. She was unaware of how she could still keep her legs tightly wrapped around him. Sometimes, he slipped so far inside of her she felt something melt. A pressure, a need, was building inside of her.

"Se- Sess-"

Her juices were dripping on the counter, covering his cock. Every time he slid out he could see it, feel it. She would never let him get too far, her core sucking him right back in. Everything was pulsing, everything was sending over the edge. He felt his mind ready to black out. His thrusts began harsher, faster and her yelps of pleasure only increased.

And then, before either knew it was happening…he could not hold himself back any longer.

His eyes rolled back and he felt himself spill his seed inside of her. Unconsciously, he bent down, sinking his fangs into her skin. The feeling of the searing hot liquid inside of her forced a loud moan out of her throat, allowing her to completely ignore the burning sensation coming from her neck and suddenly his head collapsed on top of her shoulder. Was- was that sweat on his forehead?

Sesshomaru panted, his cock still jerking inside of her. He - he came.

It was done.

He took the step he fought so hard not to take.

And he marked her - _again_.

-R-


	22. The Propping

A/N: I'm baaaaack! Thank you for the overwhelming response and I do hope that this chapter will answer a few of the questions you all had regarding the last chapter! :) Thank you for your constant support.

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 22: The Propping**

His hands went through the motion, pouring coffee, flipping eggs, as though it was another ordinary morning. Perhaps, he was right, perhaps it was. Wait, she sat motionless in her seat while staring down at her white porcelain plate. In all honestly, she expected him to be gone before she woke up - especially considering the fact that she slept like a rock. _Of course_, that was only because she forgot that today was saturday. She lifted herself, standing straight. She was a bit sore and despite the many hours of sleep she got, she was exhausted. It was a little too much exercise for her weak body. Her hands unconsciously moved to her stomach and she held it. _He - hm, inside._ They did it. He took her virginity away - his own virginity as well. They went past the point of no return. And now she was left with this feeling inside her guts.

And he was fine.

He was fine because he did not feel. It might have been rough and messy - a lot messier than she ever anticipated - but it did not change the closeness they shared. It burst her heart right open. That along with the words he screamed at her, forcing her to look at realities she did not want to see. It damaged her to the core and it shattered her heart, simply because she let herself feel for him. It was probably easier to be him, easier not to feel.

One aspect Kagome never considered was that appearances were misleading.

Sesshomaru's grip upon the black handle was tight, his fingers quivering under the pressure. He could hear the cheap plastic squeak beneath his touch but he did not release his hold. His amber eyes stayed focus on the food, refusing to glance anywhere else. Looking in her direction would bring forth an unpredictable reaction and he was not ready to test it yet. His mind, along with his body, vividly remembered the throbbing that was forced upon them during the previous night. After he bite her, he felt her wobbly body and knew he had pushed her to her limits. Once she went to her bed, he remained awake. He did not find a wink of sleep. Instead, he cleaned. Their _discussion_ forced a mess and he scrubbed away until everything was pristine.

He bit her again, the right way. The taste of her blood remained in his mouth like a bad after taste. Rage seeped through his blood and he relinquished all of his self control. The agonizing part? He revelled in it, he reached completion while nestled deep inside of her. Small problem; none of their physical closeness fixed the many problems at hand; her attitude regarding herself, her shrink, the whole dilemma about _children_… it remained.

Plus another question; was he doomed to lose himself to the pleasure of the flesh? If he looked at her, would he take her again? Could he keep a cool headed attitude? She might not feel the same about it. He knew she enjoyed it, especially if her wetness was any indication, but she did not experience an orgasm. He admitted that he might be responsible for some clumsiness but… _it did not matter_. If she agreed to them conceiving a child, there would be more encounter. If she did not… then it was best - to simply _go with the flow_ - no matter how much he despised that mindset.

He removed the eggs from the stove and retrieved the spatula. He slid them in her plate in a jerking motion and put it back down.

"_Thank you_," her voice was quiet, barely audible.

The silence was broken.

"Are you well?"

Blue orbs darted, eyes opened wide and she forced her glance his way. For the first time since then, their eyes met. "I'm fine," she replied, breathless.

He nodded, eyes dragging over every features of her face. There was uncertainty dancing in her eyes, a hint of worry shining through. He knew what was the cause of that concern. "You were not fertile."

"I'm sorry?"

"Last night, you were not fertile." She never gave him her express consent about the child. It was not his place to make the decision for her. He might have gotten caught up in the moment and sensations but he still knew at the time that his actions would not result in a pregnancy.

"Oh." She held back her sigh of relief and instead allowed her shoulders to drop down. There was that. Although they discussed the topic, she did not make up her mind. Many questions were left behind - and though most of them concerned her lack of skills in motherhood, some were related to their current situation. "I don't think it's a good idea."

"Yes, you have expressed that." And he expressed how foolish he thought she was.

She saw the flutter in his eyes, the look that told her he hardly believed she would make a bad mother. "_Those concerns aside_, there are still a lot of things wrong with this." He stayed silent but his eyes were on her, letting her know she had his complete attention. "I mean, we're not a couple."

"I have witnessed a fair amount of…_strange_ parenting in this era."

Point taken. "But - I mean, the child might not understand. We're together, we'll be doing things together but - we…" Actually she did not know what kind of things they might be doing together. It might involve a lot of platonic situations or perhaps the way they _break through_ their barrier… they might be very physical. She still did not know where any of this was leading.

"He will be raised in this environment, it will be normal for him."

"And where would you put that child?" She gestured to the space around them. "Between the couch and the desk? There are no more rooms."

They could move - although he was not convinced his salary would be enough to cover the cost of a new, more expensive apartment along with a child. He was the sole provider and that was something that had to be taken into consideration. She brought forward good questions and she sounded more intelligible than the previous night. However, he had to admit, he missed the fire in her voice and the sparkle in her eyes.

"We have two bedrooms."

"So the baby would share a room with one of us?" It might make sense for a while but once their child upgraded from a crib to a bed… She swallowed hard, a lump forming in her throat. She was talking about it as though it were real, as though it would happen. The whole point of this conversation was to show him his idea was _insane_ and it would never work. They were not a proper couple and would confuse their child. It would live in an awkward, broken environment and - and - they simply had nowhere to keep the baby.

She missed his point. "We would share a bedroom." He intended on keeping as much of his freedom as he could. He shared his place with her, his body and even his emotions. His bedroom was to be a safe sanctuary. _Regardless_, all those foolish thoughts were from before he gave into the carnal pleasures and took her body. At this point, it was rather useless to keep her away. Plus, she was not bothersome. They shared living quarters for a while now and it was rare that her presence irked him. She had no displeasing habits, she was a quiet creature… if he could deal with passing as a human and dealing with idiots all day long, he could tolerate having her in the same bed as him.

"Me? In your bed?" Against her will, heat rose to her cheeks and a soft pink colored her sick cheeks. It nearly sounded wrong.

"Yes. It would make a more convenient situation."

"You don't want me in your bed."

"I believe that you are hardly a reference on what I do and do not want."

And she was speechless in front of his accusation. There was not much she could retort to his words. She did not know about him. If she did she might not have been surprised by his request. She was fairly annoyed that he had a counter argument for all her arguments. He was not supposed to have thought this through - it should have been something he asked on an impulse, something he would regret. Though she remembered his words of rage, the one accusing her of fighting for nothing, of demanding pity. It was not what she was doing, it was not defining her. She wanted to prove him wrong but she did not feel this was the answer. It would not make her a better mother. She would still lack the basic requirements to be a good mother.

"I already annoy you."

He quirked a silver eyebrow, a bit surprised for the first time. "You annoy me?"

"You weren't too happy with me last night."

"Because you spoke foolishness; ending your life, lacking skills to be a mother."

"I was not going to end my life. I just needed help." She still did. Also, she was mad at herself for revealing that truth to him. She managed to hide it fairly well from the beginning and in one stupid moment she let it all out.

"Regardless of what you meant, they were foolish words. You are not this, you are not pathetic."

"I'm not pathetic," she snapped back.

He held back a smirk. The fire was still inside of her, brewing away secretly. Perhaps she needed a little help pushing it out. "Then you should not believe you could not be a good mother."

"We'll try it." It became clear that Sesshomaru refused to listen to reason. It might be that the only way to prove her point was by demonstrating it. "I'll share your bed." It was hard to say it with a straight face without letting blood rush to her face but she managed to do it. "If you can tolerate me, I'll - _I'll do it_." The words forced a shake in her voice and she swallowed hard. She would mess up a life, give her child less than it deserved. But he might not. And there was the guilt, the one where he gave up so much to save her life and she owed him that - or whatever else he requested of her. The problem was, she did not know if she could psychologically handle his request.

No matter; she gave her word.

He moved his hand to his face, holding his chin between his index and thumb. It was a fair request - one he nearly proposed himself when he offered a solution to the problem. Obviously, he did not think they would share sleeping quarters this quickly but perhaps it was a necessary modification to his plan. It was not only about the child. It was convenient and he did need one and despite her beliefs, he knew she would make a great mother. He needed a child and she - deep down - wanted them. It was good for everyone. BUT it was also good _for _her. She lost all respect for herself, all will to push past her old limitations. She needed something to hold on to, something that would let her move on past her near death experience.

Sesshomaru was bonded to her through emotions and life. He would not have her feeling such pity at all time. It had to cease.

"Then we shall."

"You want me to sleep in your bedroom?"

He nodded in agreement. "We can start this evening."

Her lips parted, her mouth hung low and she stared at him with disbelief. Apparently he was as stubborn as she was. "Okay. But it has to be for more than one night."

"How long do you suggest?"

"A week."

"You will share my bedroom for a week. If I prove that I can tolerate your presence, you will agree to my proposition?"

"Yes."

He was nearly pleased with her fast reply but he held back his smirk. It was measly price to pay for everything that would be given in exchange. He dealt with much more than this and he gave up a lot more. At this point, it was not much. Also, anything that affected her emotions positively was a good thing for him.

He could do this.

-R-

The day went by faster than either of them could expect it. Kagome remained out of his way for the most part, preparing herself for the night to come. After breakfast, she showered - something she desperately needed after the previous events that transpired between them. It was during that long, scorching shower that she noticed the soreness between her legs. It was to be expected she supposed. It did not hurt as much as she thought it would. That was a good thing even if it did not explain the hollowness, the aching in her stomach. Also, she did not truly feel as if they were physically closer than before. She remained awkward around him and he kept his detached facade. Then again, plenty of people had sex without having an emotional connection.

Maybe it was the way it was for them. Or at least for him. _She knew she had way too many feelings pulsing in her chest_. But they were her problems, and she was the one who had to deal with that.

After her never ending shower she returned to her bedroom and began dealing with clothes. She wore whatever to bed; it hardly mattered. Plus, everything she owned was big on her - except that dress he got for her. Thoughts of clothes forced her mind on money and then her worries began all over again. She would be forced to buy new clothes, there would be doctors appointments and _so many _vitamins and whatever else her weak body required. Could he truly afford all that on his salary? Granted, it was Sesshomaru. He would not be one to put his child's life in danger. If he thought he could not feed it, he would not have it. Right? Maybe it was her twisted mind coming up with any possible excuses to find a fail in this whole situation.

Once she lost enough time with clothes, she realized she did not own anything nice. He never saw her dressed properly meaning he probably was not expecting anything out of this. When it was all done, she decided to remain in her bedroom. She focused her mind on a book but it failed. She kept at it until bed time rolled along. Sex was exhausting, a lot more than anticipated and it was barely eight o'clock when her eyelids began to close on their own. _It was time_. It was her deal which meant she could not coward out of it. He accepted it - gladly even, meaning she was stuck in this. Kagome removed her clothes and picked up the ones she put aside. It was nothing much; grey sweat pants and a white t-shirt. Once she slipped them on, she headed for her door.

Her breath was caught in her throat while trembling white finger awkwardly gripped the handle. She opened the door and on the other side she found an empty living room. What she did notice was his open bedroom door. _He was waiting for her_. Did he expect her to be tired early? He must have noticed how awful she looked. Teeth dug in her bottom lip and she headed forward. Her footsteps were quiet and slow, bare feet pressing to the cold wooden floor. Once she arrived in front of his door, she raised an unsure hand and knocked on his door with faint strength.

"Come in," he invited.

She snuck past the doorway and finally caught a glimpse of him. He was in the bed, on the left side, a green covered book in his graceful hands. She lingered a bit before approaching the bed.

"This is your room. You have no reason to knock."

His tone was neutral and yet she felt as though he was mocking her. "I'll remember that." She was uncomfortable with the thought of invading his privacy without a warning. She was about to ask if she could lay in bed but she had a feeling he would give her the same answer. She grabbed the edge of the egg white comforter and lifted it. She slid under the caramel sheets and pulled everything back on top of her. She imagined he was already displeased with the lack of room in his bed.

At least it was not their first time sharing a bed.

She pushed her shoulders back, leaning against the soft white pillow beneath her. She looked forward, at the open door and frowned. "Sorry, I forgot to close it." She was about to leave the bed when slender fingers put a halt to her motions. They wrapped delicately around her wrist, tugging her downwards.

"Leave it be."

Nobody else was in the apartment. Usually, it separated him from her but now that she laid beside him, there was hardly a point to it. She met his gaze with a lack of conviction shining in her eyes. Regardless of how wary she was, she stayed put and offered him a quick nod. He released her, his fingertips caressing her skin as though it was by accident. Her back strengthened, her breathe stolen away. He watched with need as her body heat up underneath his smallest touch. He breathed in, keeping quiet, and returned his attention to his book. He did not bring her in his bedroom to bed her. Although, they were both aware it would happen eventually. Considering how confusing their relationship could be at time, he would not force an obligation upon her.

It was beneath him to make her feel pressure to do something with him. He did not want _pity_, guilt wrench, uncomfortable sex. The whole act was one he disregarded in the past and it did not hold the most utter importance to him.

She snuggled herself deeper into the bed and almost popped her lips. The blanket was up to her nose, shielding her face from his eyes. She never considered how awkward it might be. Usually, she was fine with the silence between them - not anymore. It was not so much the setting as it was what happened. Kagome shifted her gaze to the left and stared at him while he completed his reading. Spying was bad and she should not do it. Instead, she should close her eyes and go to bed. Was she not tired? It was why she came to bed right? She simply needed to return to that drowsy state. Easy right? She tore herself away from him, showing him her back, and closed her eyes tightly shut.

_Think of sleeping._

"Do you wish for me to turn off the light?"

"Oh - no, it's fine. I don't mind."

Ignoring her words, she heard him shut his book and then put it down on the bedside table. The hard cover thumped against the wood and then, there was cling. _No more light_. He shifted into the bed, probably laying down and her heart sped up. He probably was not tired. _She_ was not even tired anymore. She held her breathe as he moved around, placing the blankets around his body. When he became still again, she let the air out of her lungs. She tried to remain steady, unmoved as though she was sleeping but she knew there was no way she could fool him. This situation increase the ache, the _feeling_ deep in her guts - the one she had not managed to get rid of ever since they _did it_.

His body radiated warmth and she could feel it transfer to her. She swallowed hard and dug her face deeper into the pillow. This was absolutely ridiculous. She _slept _with him, he was inside of her and she could not even look at him. Was it the shame? The guilt? All the truths she admitted about herself? He had this fighter vision of her and she wondered where he got that idea in the first place. She was a disappointment. A groan threatened to escape her, forcing her to do the only action she could do; she turned around_. _She thought she would find asleep - or see his back. She was wrong. His amber eyes flashed in the darkness while he peered at her with such an intensity that she was forced to shiver.

"Is something the matter?" he asked, completely neutral.

How could it be that nothing affected him?

"I - I don't know."

He arched an eyebrow before lifting his head from the pillow. "Are you hurt?"

She shook her head. A mist hazed over her eyes and she found herself unable to explain the presence of her tears. She _needed_ something to chase the ache away and she did not even know what it was. "_I -_" How could she tell him words she did not know? "It's frustrating."

From his expression she quickly understood that her words made no sense to him.

"I _need_ something. I just - I don't know what it is. It's frustrating."

He stared at her for a moment, contemplating her situation. His head tilted to the left and then, he approached her. She held her breathe while his nose made contact with her throat. Heat puddled in her stomach as he rubbed it leaving soft ministrations against her aching flesh. Heat formed between her legs and she squeezed them. _First mistake_. She winced at the sensation and he immediately found himself pulling away.

"You are hurt."

"No - I - I'm, it's - hm, _sore_."

That was a possibility that he did not consider.

And it probably would not help her in easing out her problem. He easily found out the source of her aggravation; it was hidden in her scent. She was sexually frustrated - which was his fault and he would be lying to himself if he said it did not bruise his ego.

"You did not reach completion last night."

Compl- _oh_. Well, no. But - _how could he say it so casually_?

"You are frustrated because of it."

It appeared that her problem was not going away anytime soon. "Oh." What else could she say?

Sesshomaru was half way back to his own side of the bed and yet he could not retract himself further. Before, he almost had a hard time distinguishing his needs from hers. Now that the bond was complete and stronger, the task was even arduous. His touch awoke a need in her, a spike in her scent and it intensified her frustration. He could feel it all through his own body. He could go back to her neck, lap at the skin and taste her. He was known for his self control, one he managed to keep for a long time. He might have a beast but he refused to become a beast to his desires. He came to peace with what was happening to them but - _simply taking whenever the need arose?_ Was that his new lifestyle?

Without realizing, Kagome began panting. He was close but so far. She was torn between pulling away and leaning in. There was still the ghost of his presence against the skin of her neck. Was he right? Was she frustrated because she came close to a release that she never obtained?

She made the mistake for him.

Kagome leaned in.

His hand ended up on her shoulder, fingers pressing into the flesh. He gripped at her, his nose bumping against hers. Sesshomaru pushed her head backwards, showing her neck to his sight. He leaned forward, leaving open mouthes kisses along the edge of her throat. A needy moan past her lips and she tilted her head back even more, giving him better access. At a quick pace, his hand left her shoulder and suddenly, it was pressing into a spot in the mattress right beside her body. He used his new found hold to manoeuvre himself on top of her, his lips glued to her neck. Her body twisted with need beneath his, the puddle of warmth in her stomach expanding, creating a hollower need.

She meant to keep her hands by her side but they quickly tangled with his hair, roaming over the surface of his muscular back. A hint of fang brushed up against her and she immediately jerked forward, moulding her body into his. He trailed one of his hands to her hips, squeezing it and keeping her into place. Everything he touched set her on fire; why was she so sensitive to his touch? She swallowed hard, trying to keep her panting down while he devoured her neck. A wetness was forming between her legs and she barely resisted the urge to rub her thighs together to remove the tension. Her heart was racing, everything was a haze and she _needed_ all of it. Her inexperienced made it worse.

_Her scent was everywhere_.

He craved to hold his breathe to keep the scent away but he could not. Each time he kissed her, each time he filled his lungs with air, her sweet spicy scent assaulted his nostrils. It traveled through him, heightening his own desires. Already the blood had rushed downwards and he was left with a problem of his own. He kept his touches proper, never venturing away from her neck, always peppering open mouth kisses. His skin was on fire, demanding more and he knew if he simply lowered his hips, he would be able to thrust into her wet, awaiting core. Her juices were beginning to seep through her sweat pants, rendering her need even harder to deny. Her moans were also a torture to his ears.

"Sess-" She wanted to speak but was unable to catch her breathe. What did she wanted to ask? Did she want to ask him for _this_? It was his fault. He mentioned the cause of her discomfort and now it was impossible to chase it away from her mind. Was she sexually frustrated? She did feel that way at that particular moment. And there was no dying the hardness between his legs, the one that would sometimes brush up against her inner thigh while he attacked her neck. He _wanted_ her. This was it, this was the extent of what she would get from him. No feeling, but desire. One he might not want, but one he had accepted. Her growing feelings would receive nothing else in return. _And it was okay_. She did not ask to feel something for him. And he certainly never asked to have anything to do with her.

Kagome dared to raise one of her legs up, almost hooking it around his waist.

He plunged deeper into his carnal desire. He slipped his hand around her thigh, securing it around him. Her hips leaned forward, thrusting herself into him in a foolish attempt to take away the build up need inside of her. It only made it worse and it only provoked him further. Hands tangled in her hair, fingers tugging at her locks but she felt none of it. She lost herself in his touch, in the warmth that wrapped around her mind. Her chest was barely rising, her breaths all short. Fumbling fingers played with the hem of her sweat pants and her heart quit beating for a second. Was he going to pull down? The desire was overwhelming, the thundering of her body shaking her to her core.

Sesshomaru pulled his head away from her neck and stared into her eyes. There was a slight color to his cheeks, strikingly different from his usual pale skin. His eyes were mixing with red, his gaze focus as though he was a predator. He was one; _he took_. He was searching for an answer, asking her if he could keep going. Did he truly know that little about her? She lost the moment she let herself feel for feelings clouded her every decisions, influenced every actions she took. How could she saw no when he sent her world spiralling down?

She offered him a nod and he took her up on her offer.

Rapidly, there was a rush of cold air brushing beneath her rear, while her sweatpants and underwear ended up on the floor. Hand kneaded her rear, claws prickling at the flesh. She arched her back, pushing covered breasts into his chest. Her eyes were closed, too ashamed to look at him. She did feel as he let go of her ass. At first she did not know why but after a few moments she quickly guessed. He was pushing against her again; except this time there was no longer a barrier. It was his hard length against her dripping core. He lowered his body, grabbing the edge of her shirt and pulled it over her head. He discarded it with the rest of her clothes and tried to lower himself back down even more.

She stopped him.

She snatched his shirt from his body, revealing all the muscles of his chest. She pressed her hands flat against it, roaming them down. A bit lower, there was that tuft of silver hair, the one that sent blood rushing to her cheeks. His hands settled on her hips, squeezing her tightly. He pushed his hard length against her and she buckled her hips. _She forced a contact_. His erection slid across her wet opening and tore a moan from her throat. Her entire body was throbbing with the promise of a satisfied need and she could hardly contain her impatience.

For the second time, she felt the tip of his cock against her core. That was it.

Once again, he went all in.

Except the initial feeling was completely different.

She did feel a slight ping of pain at first because of her soreness, but it quickly dissipated. Instead the feeling of being stretched and filled to the brim sent tremors of pleasure through her body. As he slid in completely she uttered a long moan, her back arch and her breasts pressed into him. Her thighs clasped down, almost afraid he was going to slip out and deprive her of the desire roaring through her body. And he did slightly pull out but it was not to retire himself from her; it was to slam back in harder. She buckled under his every thrusts, her small breasts bouncing, her chest heaving with deep breathes. She panted, she moaned, she lost herself into the sensation.

Meanwhile Sesshomaru's thighs were quivering, his lust barely kept in check. How could he want it so much when he had her a mere day ago? Although this was different. She was demanding, she was in need and it was calling out to him. Not only that but there was no pain, no restraint. He could pound into her as hard as he wanted and she would only moan louder. And faster he did go. He was using his weight to keep her down while he thrusted inside of her without limitations. Juices spilled out of her each time he slid out and it sucked him back in. Each time he pushed further, her walls tighten around him, squeezing him, threatening to empty him of his own release. But not yet.

He leaned forward, forcing his chest and her legs closer to her body. It also gave him a better access to plunge into her.

Her fingers found their way in his hair and she sunk her blunt teeth deep in her bottom lip, drawing blood. Lust hazing him, he dove forward and lapped her lips, filling his mouth with the taste of her blood. Then, his tongue slipped inside and he overtook her mouth, forcing needy kisses and a submission of her own tongue. She let him have all the control, never stopping him, never fighting him. He took as much as he wanted and then she gave him some more. He used his hands to force her legs apart and he watched her jerk forward, whispers of lust escaping her sweet lips.

"See-s _oh_." His speed was never faltering, always pushing, stretching her to her limit. "_Too - too much_." The feeling building inside of her was overwhelming, taking over her mind. She wanted to push him out and keep him locked in at the same time and she was not sure which was the best option.

"Just - _please_."

She was begging for him to give her an orgasm. _As if his pride would let him back down from a challenge_. Last time, he did not get her to explode around him, this time would be different. His cock was pulsing inside of her, demanding more and more. Her slick wetness was leaking down his own thighs, the shake of his body indicating that he was near his own completion.

He slammed into her once, then twice.

He bent forward even more, her legs now nearly around his neck. He had never been this deep inside of her before. Blunt nails dug into his bare back, making swipes at breaking his skin but it never happened. She did drag them up and down over and over again despite the lack of results. Her moans of pleasure were the only sound filling his ears as he used more of his speed to ram into her.

Then he felt it. She sat up, chests colliding, nails shaking against his flesh and she tossed her head backward. Her sweat covered hair flung back as well, and her mouth opened wide as a throaty moan emerged, her entire body shaking like a leaf. "_Sesshomaru_."

And he came undone.

She squeezed him tight, stealing from him everything he had to give, while her walls quivered around him. His eyes rolled back, his hands holding her waist forcefully, probably leaving marks behind, and he emptied himself inside of her while she coated him with her essence. His cock pulsed within her while his hips kept jerking with small movements.

The warm liquid filled her again and she trembled with need. She wheezed, unable to catch her breathe while her body dropped onto his from exhausting. His hands around her were the only thing keeping her straight up. Once his seed filled her, he dropped them back down to the bed, her sticky skin sticking to his. Again, her breathes were nothing more than wheezing sounds but he did not detect any panic from her; she was alright. He tore himself from her core before dropping on his back right beside her. She felt his seed spill out of her but she could not move; she was locked into place.

Meanwhile he stared at the ceiling, his hair fawning around his head.

For a brief instant he wondered if she was right; was it an inconvenient to have her in his bedroom?

_What he could not figure out_ was…was it a good thing or a bad thing?

-R-

"I'm sorry for the way I ran off last time."

Dr. Izu dismissed her with a gesture of the hand. "This is for you Kagome, to help you. You were not comfortable in the situation and you retired yourself from it."

Yeah, and then she got tipsy and ran straight into Sesshomaru's - _yeah_. "I- I still wanted to apologize."

"Did you want to discuss the same issues as last time or is there something else on your mind?" If she wanted to make some progress with Kagome, she could not scare her away again. They would have to follow her pace if they wanted to find a solution to this problem.

"I care for him - more than he cares for me." There it was; she admitted the blunt truth out loud. Of course, it might not make much sense to her psychologist. "I - I knew that. I always knew that but -" She popped her lips. "I don't always know how to keep it locked in." She did not want to demand his touch, she did not want to invade his personal bubble without an invitation.

"How do you mean?"

"I - " How to explain it. "I can't just walk up and kiss him."

"He is your husband is he not?"

There it was. The reason, the lie that made it all so complicated. "Yes, but he's not - _he doesn't like those kind of things_."

"You think you love him more than he loves you."

Love. It was an awfully big word. Love. She did not _love_ Sesshomaru. He was hardly the perfect candidate for such a situation. She liked him, she had growing feelings for him and she was perhaps more attached than she should be but it was in no way _love_. She did not _love_ him. She could not love him because that would lead her nowhere. Her feelings for him were dangerous. They were getting more and more involved - sex, perhaps a child. She truly needed to separate her feelings from all the obligations. She could not let herself be fooled by what only was because it had to be. If it were not for the bond, he would never have slept with her and if it were not for the convenience of the situation, he would have never asked her to bear his child.

"I know I do."

"And you're afraid to show him that."

She nodded.

"Why?" Dr. Izu asked as she tilted her head to the left. "Will he get mad?"

Immediately, Kagome shook her head. "No, of course not." She did not want to paint Sesshomaru was a violent character.

"Then why not let him on?"

"Because it would be troublesome for him and he doesn't need this." He had other things to worry about than her state of mind and her little stupid feelings. Plus, it might make the whole situation more awkward. They already had a bit of difficulty having conversations and dealing with what was happening. They did not need this extra complication.

"Then don't tell him with words. Show him."

"Show him?"

"Little kisses, little touches."

"I can't do that either."

"It might help you get back a sexual life with your husband."

At the words Kagome's cheeks fired red.

"Or, perhaps you've already solve that issue."

Kagome could not longer make eye contact with Dr. Izu, instead, she began to find the ground interesting and kept her gaze low. She gave no verbal answer but she knew that her non-verbal was giving the answer for her.

"Are you happy about that?"

"Yes," she croaked out.

It was the only type of affection she would ever get from him. It helped put a balm over the wounds of her heart - how could she possibly be against it? She knew the bond _gave_ her heightened desires but it was not the reason she began to fall for him in the first place. It came through his actions. For him, it was different but he said it clearly himself, _he did not feel pity for himself. He took_. And that night, he took. He dealt with it, much better than she ever did.

"Did it help you two?"

"I guess."

They were sharing a bedroom, they already did it a second time. Clearly it was an improvement from all the torture they inflicted upon themselves.

"Things are not always dark, Kagome."

Except, they would always be. She would continue to fall deeper and deeper for him and he would roam those large hands over her body, fulfilling the only need he had towards her. And it would never be more than that. She was stepping into a downwards spiral and she did not know how to keep her head out of the water. How not to lose herself further. It was the only way to protect herself. She had to see things in his perspective. Or take the only thing she could take.

Could she do that?

-R-

For the first time, Kagome stepped back into the house and Sesshomaru knew where she had been. As a matter of fact he had offered to take her but she refused. She wanted to keep her routine plus she often came out of there emotional unstable and it was best if she had a bit of time to collect herself. She had to admit, as she dropped her purse to the ground, that she felt awkward that he knew. She explained that it had nothing to do with ending her life and he let her go without a fight. Obviously, he did make it clear that she was not to give into the darkness. She was not to let herself die after he _gave up _so much. And she would not.

But the question lingered in her mind.

Could she take what she needed to take another step, to take another breathe?

His presence was suffocating, forced her to struggle for air.

He was sitting on the couch, his legs crossed, while he watched her from the corner of his eye. He would not ask her how it went - it was none of his business. Plus, she went through a great deal to keep it from him. It was none of his business and she could do what she pleased. As long as it was not harmful. His eyes watched her feet as she walked in his direction, sitting beside him on the couch. She left a bit of space between their bodies while she clamped her hands down on her thighs. Something bothered her. He did not ask about that either. If she wanted to share she would.

"Are you busy?"

Sesshomaru glanced at her, then at the TV. Some mindless show was planning, the news flashing through from time to time. It was nothing but a mere way to pass the time. "No," he uttered, his eyes locked on hers. Did she want to share the results of her session? It did not really affect him.

Kagome sunk her cheeks in and pushed all the air out of her lungs. He was not irritated, he was not angry. She could do this. She needed to know if taking this would lessen the ache, the pain in her chest. Her heart was overwhelmed by all the changes and she needed to find something to hang on to - this was probably the worst thing to do, the worst thing to latch on to but she wanted to do it. Whenever his hands were on her, when he was thrusting into her, she felt alive. Blood rushing through her, pleasure swirling around her head - it was the thrills she was missing from her life, the reasons she used to seek adventure and go head first into danger. He gave her back those missing feelings.

She wanted them back.

She closed her eyes, giving herself courage before she threw herself at him.

Her hand wrapped around his jaw, tilting his head in her direction, and then her lips came crashing against his. He stiffened at the initial contact but then leaned into her. His own hands snaked around her waist, his lips pushing and demanding for more. Hands gripping at his strong shoulders, she pushed her body onto his, ignoring the fire sparkling in her face. She might fear this was the wrong movement, an invasion of his privacy but it was the one thing he had yet to turn away from. It was the one thing she knew he _needed_ as much as she did.

All she felt was his touch, his hands on her. Soon, she could feel the sleeves of her shirt slipping down her shoulders, revealing bare skin. His mouth was everywhere, tasting every inch of exposed skin and the familiar wetness between her legs made its return. Unconsciously, she began to thrust her hips, feeling his erection rubbing on her leg. It was the last thing she felt before he lowered her onto the couch, positioning himself between her legs, thrusting that hardness against her jean clothed core. She moaned out loud at the contact, her eyes swirling in the back of her head. His hands were on her, his lips were harassing her abused flesh and it was everything she needed. She was his sole focus of attention.

Sesshomaru had nothing to offer her; no heart to give, no feelings to share.

He only had this. It turned her selfish.

She was taking all of it, all he had to offer. One day he would realize he did not want this anymore. Until then, she would take, and take, and _take_.

There was guilt but she pushed it deep inside, hiding it from even her own sight.

And her heart soared.

-R-


	23. The Procreation

**A/N: **I did it! An update before 2015. So I am a little one the line, but we are still 2014! It counts! :)

I hope you all have an awesome time and a great 2015! Thank you for putting up with me!

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 23: The Procreation**

Sweat slid down her back, coating the sheets as she sprawled across them, her legs tangled with the blankets. Her messy short hair glimmered with water, leaving her split ends spiky and unruly. Her lips were parted, little air coming out as though something was crushing her lungs. Her body tingled from the aftermath of their actions and the warmth between her legs refused to disappear and throbbed instead. Her body was marked by his hands, his touch, as they left an invisible trail everywhere they went. She could hear him breathe by her side, never a word spoken. His long silver hair was touching the side of her arm, tickling it and she closed her eyes, allowing herself to bask into the aftermath of their sex.

It was a routine.

Ever since she took she never stopped taking.

And he did the same.

It was mostly at night. During the day he had his job and she was taking up her classes along with her volunteering. At night however, they always found themselves in that _bed_ together. Apparently sharing a bedroom was the worst thing and the best thing all at the same time. She tried to stay on her side, leaving a space between them but neither resisted for very long. She was not quite sure who initiated it every time but it always happened. Her lips on his, his body covering hers. And then, the sweet taste of him filling her. His body was all he had to give and she drank until there was no more. There was a tenderness in his touch that she did not think he had. His fingers would trail down her spine, touching her, memorizing her body - like _he cared_ - like he wanted her.

She was needed. It only lasted a moment, but it was enough.

He did not see the ugliness of her body, the scars left behind. And she did not have to be a fighter and there was no pity.

There was just sex.

Sometimes her heart got in the way, it soar through, filling up and soaking in the feelings swirling in her mind. Sometimes, it hurt. Most of the time, it went away and she felt good. How could she not? There was a euphoria around her every time they were done. No pain, no ache.

At least - for now.

Because if she thought about the deal, if she thought about the fact that in _one day_ they would being procreating - then it was a whole other story.

Sesshomaru was true to his word; he never got tired of her. He never chased her out of his bedroom, he never sighed, he never express discontent. He was right; he could tolerate her presence and he could even handle touching her body every night. He won and she would bear him a child just like she promised. The thought alone stopped her heart. But she did not intend on going back on her word. She made a promise and she would keep it. He even made an effort; he used a condom. For the past five days, every time he took her, he was protected. And she had to admit - it was not the same. Of course she never told _him_ that but after feeling him bare inside of her - _the latex _was just not enough.

Who would have thought that she would ever think such things?

"May I close the light?"

His deep voice shook her out of her thoughts and she quickly nodded. "_Yes_." There were never many conversations during the aftermath. She supposed it was best that way. What would they say to each other?

And then, he shut off the light and they found themselves in darkness. There was no cuddling, no bodies touching. He remained on his side and she stayed on hers. She closed her eyes knowing that sleep would claim her soon. Her body was not used to all that activities and since it was so frequent, it was quite exhausting. Not that she was complaining. It felt great to stretch out and use her muscles for once - though they were not great. She let a quiet sigh roll off her lips and snuggled her pillow closer. Sex. That was all it was. She had his body and nothing else.

Did Sesshomaru even have a heart?

She forced her eyes shut, chasing aside any thoughts of crying. No tears. She knew what this was.

Meanwhile, a very powerful nose could not be fooled. The salty scent of tears traveled to his nostrils but he said nothing. It was the second time it happened. He wondered if it was out of pain but he figured he would have noticed. Emotions were a mystery to him and she was - he could not understand her. He sunk deeper into the mattress, feeling the heat leave his body. He remained completely naked, the sheet only covering his feet. She clearly had no problem with his naked body and he felt no shame. Why should he cover himself? This was his bed and the entire point of this was to prove he could tolerate her presence by his side. If he could, then he should be himself without restriction.

Though he already won.

One day, and the win would be his.

Was that the reason for her tears?

He never forced her to accept; it was a decision she made on her own. Granted he brought forth the subject but that was only because he thought she would make a good mother. He would not twist her arm and he would not impose it on her without her consent. She seemed fine when she took the deal. The tears were probably for another reason.

He pressed his face into the pillow, allowing the quietness of the night to wrap around him. His heartbeat remained a bit above normal which was usual after their nightly activities. He never intended on taking her body so much but it happened. It was the little thing, a touch, a brush of the fingers, an unusual movement; anything would set it off. He set off this moment as much as possible, resisting every urge, but now that he had given in there was no pride in holding off. It was done. Doing it again did not damage his ego, it did not make him weak. _Plus_ it was the only way to win. The only way to obtain a gain out of this mess. Also, she_ was_ his to take. He marked her - twice. There was no reason why he could not have another bite. Also, he noticed that the recurring activities helped with the bond. Granted he could feel her emotions more than ever but she was less emotional after the coitus. It helped him deal with the new feelings - her feelings - swirling inside of him.

The sensations their actions brought were more than tolerable. It was new and sometimes his control slipped; the effect was too high, too intense and he was not quite sure how to handle it. He got better with time but he was not quite perfect yet. Also, he had not managed to master her body but he did find a few hidden spots he did not think he would find. It was a skill, knowing where to touch her body, and he excelled in everything. He was perfection. He did not fail - not even now while he masked himself amongst humans. He would not fail at this task either.

Sometimes a fear crossed him; was he losing himself? She began somewhere, he ended somewhere else. Where was that line?

As long as he won, it was not a problem.

He felt her shift beside him, creating even more space between their bodies. She kept doing that. It was fine, it was best that way because even though he was having sex with her, he had no intention of falling into cuddling.

He had not fallen that far yet.

-R-

Sesshomaru's glance was focused on the pasta boiling in front of him. The apartment was quiet since he was the only occupant and the bubbles of boiling water was the only sound in the vicinity. Kagome was gone and she did not leave a note. He figured she had another appointment with her psychologist. Or she left because tonight - tonight marked his win. He tolerated her for a whole week and according to her own rules, he won. He was used to winning; he often did. Though this win did not feel like the others. He dipped his head forward and grabbed the wooden spoon before stirring the noodles. _He won_. They were going to forgo the condoms and begin working on conception.

There was a lot of work to do, a lot of changes to go through but it could not be worse than anything else they did so far.

His thought process was interrupted when keys jingled and the door opened. He kept his head straight, never looking at her. He heard her hang her purse and kick off her shoes before she walked in his direction. Though she kept a distance between them since she saw at the counter, her arms resting on it from the sound of it.

"I went to see the doctor. _Real doctor_," she precised before he thought she meant her psychologist.

There was no easy way to ease into this conversation so she did it like a band-aid; she ripped it off.

Sesshomaru quietly put the spoon down, unsure of what she expected him to say. He usually went with her for her appointment so that he could track her cancer's healing process. Now she decided to go alone. It did not really affect him. He simply traveled less and wasted less time. If she did not need him, he would no longer go. It was as simple as that.

"It wasn't my regular doctor." This time there was a shake in her voice. "It - it was about my - hm, my eggs."

And then she had his full attention. She saw him tilt his body in her direction, listening carefully. "I - Chemo is bad for your eggs. I - I wanted to see if everything was okay."

She did some research. Internet research but research nonetheless. Chemo could be fatal for ovaries in certain cases. Some it was not safe, or you had a wait a bit before starting the whole baby process. It could come with a lot of complications or it could be safe. Her chemo was rather strong and - _it was the worst_. She thought there was no point in trying if it was not going to lead to anything. Disappointment should be avoided at all cost and it was what she intended to do. She never really - they offered to harvest some of her eggs when she started her treatment but she never thought she would find herself in this situation. She thought she was a goner. None of this was supposed to happen. _She gave up on motherhood_.

And now, things were different.

Maybe if she had known life could have turned out this way, she would have made other kinds of decisions.

He spun around, resting his hands against the oven's black handle. He stared at her, searching her face for an answer. The thought never crossed his mind. He always assumed she would be fertile and that would be the end of it. Their situation was complicated; he was healing her. Or at least the bond and his youki were. And now she was healing herself. Although, did that include damage, dead eggs? He did not know. This was new and unexplored territories. They made most of it up as they went along. He shifted his gaze upwards, meeting her eyes for the first time since the conversation began.

"And?" He felt no emotions, he saw no hints of an answer on her features. She was a blank page.

"He was surprised," she let out as she let her back round. "My cancer was aggressive so - my treatment was as well. He thought - I might have to wait a few years and then see if - if anything was good. He could not tell me for sure but - _he thinks_ I might have a few viable eggs amongst the trash." He used better words but honestly, she did not feel like talking like a doctor. "It - it might be difficult but it is possible." She did not know if her eggs would be better over time. Maybe the bond was going to fix them too. She did not know. But she did know there was a slight hope. Very, small one.

"Is that all?"

"He said - he doesn't know if my body is ready yet. I'm still weak. My periods aren't regular and - my body might not be able to handle a pregnancy this early in my recovery road." She cocked her head to the side. "Then again, he thinks I'm healing at normal weak human speed so… It might not mean anything." Granted_ right now_ her body might not be 100% ready but it might be in a few months. Plus, if she looked at their current odds, it was going to be a while before she actually got pregnant. It worked out.

"Pregnancy is possible?"

"Difficult, but possible. Eventually."

He crossed his arms in front of his chest and observed her face. She was taking the news well, better than he expected. There were no tears, no disappointment. She was simply fine.

"And you are fine with this?"

She let a chortle escape her throat. "What else am I supposed to be?" Nothing was right, everything was screwy. Even now, staring at him, it was though someone was clawing at her chest, ripping her heart to shred. Through the emotionless sex, she developed a bad habit; she took comfort in his embrace. She used his body to satisfy the needs of her heart. She took all he had to give but she gave too much of herself in return. It was getting dangerous. She could see it now. Because she wanted his warmth close to her, she wanted those strong arms wrapped around her body.

"I can have a baby. It'll be difficult - like everything else." The last three words slipped out. She was tired, she was emotionally drained and - _she did not know if it was a good or bad thing. _

_"_You will uphold your word?"

"I will." Did he doubt her? She did not know if she should feel insulted or not. "I said I would, so I will." She laid her head down on her arm. "Just - don't expect a baby anytime soon."

Because nothing could be simple.

He watched her silently, her emotions sinking inside of him. _She was disappointed_ - but she did not look disappointed. It hardly mattered to him; she said it was possible. Her body would keep on healing and they simply would keep on trying. It was not as though he could seal himself away from her; he would take her again. At least the possibility of pregnancy was still alive and he would get an heir. Plus what did human doctors know about a miko mated to a youkai? She was fertile from time to time which meant that everything was fine. His nose would not lie to him.

Sesshomaru tore his eyes away from her and re-focused his attention on his pasta. He took the pot off the stove, emptied the pasta out and shoved them in a bowl. He added some sauce and then slammed the bowl in front of her. Startled, she jumped while her eyes searching his face for an answer.

"Eat."

"I'm not hungry," she dismissed.

"_Eat_." This tone his tone shifted; it was an order.

She blinked. Sesshomaru never truly cared about her life or what she did. Even when she broke down all he did was give her a pep speech. He did not yell at her, he did not order her around like he was the boss of her. _But now he did_? She could not talk back to him could she? No. Of course not. He did so many things for her that it would be ungrateful to _repeat_ that she absolutely was not hungry. Her stomach was churned and she was not certain she had digested the news yet. How was she going to feel about all of this?

Kagome stared at the bowl, watching the smoke coming out of it. She did not want it.

"You cannot get pregnant if you are skinny."

_And he was right_. But she did not want him to be right.

Regardless, she hooked her finger on the bowl and inched it closer to her body. Slowly she picked up the spoon and began eating. The food tasted bland but it had nothing to do with his cooking; everything was tasteless at the moment. She wanted to throw up - but she would not. She had to eat and she had to help her body get ready for the changes coming her way. _Pregancy_. A baby. She ignored the jitters, she ignored the way her throat clamped up or the sweat forming on her palms. _It would be fine_. She would do this, she would be a mother.

"I have re-arranged the space."

She let her spoon drop and glanced his way. "What do you mean?"

"You may move the rest of your items into the bedroom."

He won. They survived the week and now it was time for them to condemn her bedroom. She had to fully move in so that he could get rid of her furnitures. They would need to transform her bedroom into a nursery. Although it might take time for them to conceive, they needed to be prepare. If he sold everything, he would have enough for the basic utilities like a crib. It would take a while for it to be done meaning they had to start soon.

"Oh. Right. I'll do that - right after."

He nodded and then removed his attention from her. She took another spoonful of noodles while he began doing the dishes. Everything fell into quietness again, letting him know that she would abide his wishes. Meanwhile, her thoughts ran across her mind, panic seeping through her veins.

It was no longer _his_ bedroom.

It was theirs - officially.

-R-

Every night, she slept in his bed. Every night it was easy. Why should it not be? Once the awkwardness of the first night was over and done it there should not be anymore problem. And yet there was. Because now all of her belongings were in his bedroom. He cleared drawers for her; not that she needed much room. The amount of clothes she owned was ridiculous. Her mother had kept a lot of them since they no longer fitted her. Even the things she had now were too big for her - but she required clothing. It was not an option. Until she had a job, she would not be spending money on clothes. Plus, it might be useless; if she became pregnant those loosely fitting clothes would be perfect for her.

But the clothes did not matter.

She did not care about the drawers.

Or the fact her ugly, grandma panties were near his silk boxers.

No, none of that matter.

None of those were the reasons why she remained on the couch, mindlessly zapping through the channel while he was in bed reading a book. She was convinced he could smell the deceit on her but it did not force her to move. Instead, she remained where she was, her small behind glued to the couch. This night would be different from every night. The first time they laid together - if someone could qualify it as _laying_ - it was well the first time. Then, every other time, it was a challenge and they were protected. This time - there was a whole new purpose to their copulation; procreation. They would sleep together in the hopes of producing a child. A child she might not be able to have. A child she might not be a good mother to. _It was a lot_.

Once she stepped in there, it all began.

At any point after they did it, she could be a mother.

A terrible, horrible, depressed, weak mother.

She tugged on her white sock, anything to release the stress building in her mind.

Eventually, she would need to make an appearance or he would begin to wonder. She gave him her word and she even proclaimed out loud that she was completely fine with the deal they made. There was no time to turn back. This was what she owed him - the life for a life she had to give back. All she could hope was that she would not be making a baby utterly miserable. The baby was not there yet; she had time to make changes right? She could do things differently, she could better herself - she could even…she was already doing all that she could tolerate. Her mind was weak, weighing her down and her body was useless. Could she really handle more than she had going on?

_She was about to find out_.

Her hand was shaking as she shut off the TV. She dropped the remote down on the coffee table and then tugged at her white t-shirt. Now or never. Her weak legs allowed her to lift herself from the couch and her fingers grazed it as she headed in direction of the bedroom. Though she was quiet, her footsteps felt loud as she closed the distance between them. By the time she reached the bedroom her throat was completely dry. She poked her head in and watched him as he laid there, his chest bare, with a book delicately placed in his hands. He did not even raise his head to look at her while she made her way inside. She carefully lifted the white sheets and sneaked underneath them. She sat in the bed, the pillow against her back and her hands clasped together. Only one thing left to do; wait.

And wait she did but he never put his book down.

Did he change his mind?

Was something wrong?

Should she speak up?

She popped her lips while nervously breaking off her nails. If he did not do anything it was because he did not want to - right? That was the logical explanation. Unless…unless what? No there was nothing else. There could not be anything else. She finally freed her hands and began tapping her fingers alongside of her thighs.

_How _in the world was he supposed to read when she was beside him, acting like a total nervous wreck? He sighed silently before lowering his book. "Is something the matter?"

His words jolted her right up. "Oh - sorry, did I - I didn't mean - I mean, I'll sleep." _That did not even make any sense_. She slept with him before - as a matter of fact she made it a rule to take as much as she could. There was no love so this was the love she would never receive. Why did she lose that drive all of the sudden?

"Was there enough room in the drawers?"

"Yes."

"Did you manage to transfer everything?"

"Hm, yeah I think so." If she did not consider the stuff that was left at her mother's - but she did not want those things anymore. "It's yeah - I - everything it. Thank you for making room." She knew that was probably difficult.

And then silence fell again. Kagome nervously tapped her fingers together while Sesshomaru stared at his book. This could not go on. Something had to happen.

"Did you wish for me to confirm you were fertile?"

He knew why she was nervous and he even knew what was bothering her. However, she was an adult and not a child. If she had a problem, she could voice it on her own. It was not like she did not want to indulge in the pleasure of the flesh. She was the one who initiated most of the contacts. Especially that time on the couch. The problem laid with the child - but she confirmed she was going through with her word. Did she truly believe she would be a horrible mother? He was sick and tired of having this argument with her. If she did not believe what he said, the only way she would believe it was by herself - by experiencing it. Once she held the baby in her arms, she would see what he saw.

"Hm -" What. "I- _yeah_."

It would actually feel a lot more relaxing if she was not currently fertile - she could return to taking without having all these thoughts bothering her.

He finally put his book down on the bedside table and he shifted his attention to her. He pushed the sheets off their bodies and she stilled. She watched with wide eyes as he approached her body. His large hands found their ways to her grey sweat pants and he began tugging on them. Although she forgot how to breathe, she lifted her rear to allow him to take off her pants. Did he not say he was going to confirm if she was fertile? What did that have to do with getting her naked? But he did not stop. He gripped at her white cotton underwear and took them off as well, leaving her bare to the cold air. His fingers hooked under her knees and lifted her legs until they rested on her shoulders. _Then_ he shoved his nose to her core.

And she moaned.

She wanted to be panic, she wanted to let all of her worries get in the way but she could not. How was she supposed to think straight? She should be like a scared deer and she should run away. She should - _oh dear lord_. His nose moved around, stirring a warmth inside of her. He could make her body melt like a fire with one touch. How did he do it? She was not supposed to be turned on - she was supposed to be nervous and a wreck. _And was that a tongue_? He did this to her once, only once - back when they were trying to avoid this whole mess. Now, nobody was trying to avoid it. She was force to close her eyes while a wave of heat washed over her body and her toes curled while he lapped at her dripping core.

The will to resist was getting weaker.

They said difficult. It would be difficult. It would not happen now. She would have enough time to come to term with this. If she stop sleeping with Sesshomaru - she would have nothing. This was what kept her going - this was what filled the hollowness of her heart and kept her sane. How could she not lose her sanity? She was in love with Sesshomaru, with the ice king. There was no coming back from that. And there was no cure. She needed this, she took to fill her heart. Selfish, this was what she became now. A selfish girl who took what she could and thought it was enough.

"It is difficult to tell but I believe you might be in heat." Some of her cycles were wrong, they simply did not come along or they were shorter than they were supposed to be. The scent was somewhat right which led him to assume she was entire close to her heat or in heat.

"Oh," was the only sound that passed her lips. The stress from earlier was gone and her entire focus was on the pulsing feeling in her core. _Oh god_. And why was he keeping his face there with his warm breath tickling her and teasing her? He did not move. He stayed there. Why? Why?

He raised his eyes and looked into hers; they were opened wide, glancing at him with panic shining in them. For him, this was the same thing. Condom or not, it was the same action. All that changed was the result; a child or not. Clearly that was the tipping point for her.

"Did you change your mind?"

_Again_ why were they having a conversation with her legs hooked around his neck? He _had_ to be able to hear her heart pounding, ready to break through her chest. "I haven't." She already told him that. Why did he keep asking her?

She wanted him to _inseminate_ her while her feelings of nervousness washed over him like waves? Did she not know how distracting that was? This was why he found feelings displeasing but of course he could not escape this hell; they were bonded, their link stronger than ever. Everything that plagued her, infected him as well. _If she said she wanted this - they would do this_. He moved his hand up to her stomach and then, inched himself forward. Her legs remained on his shoulders while he laid his stomach on top of hers. Her breasts were pushed up to her throat while his lips hovered her collarbone. He licked the only visible flesh available to him and gripped her sides with his hands.

Kagome pinched her lips together and involuntarily thrusted her hips into him. When he touched her, she melted. _He was doing this for one reason_. He wanted a child, he wanted to get her pregnant. This was not about her taking; it was _him_ who was taking. Did she want him to take from her? Did she want to be used the way she used him? It was all he would ever do. Use her to get his goals, use her to satisfy himself. It was better than nothing right?

Sesshomaru used the distraction to lower his boxers, kicking them off his legs with his feet. He let them drop to the ground carelessly and pushed himself back against her. His hard erection touched her wet core and he felt her legs squeeze his neck. Usually, she laid flat beneath him but now that her legs were up, he was tempted to keep them that way. At first, he was about to reach for a condom but then _he remembered_; those were no longer necessary. He could go ahead and proceed. This would be it. If it worked, she would bear him a child and he would be a father. He would raise an heir in this messed up, human ruled world. At least his child would live long enough to see the world change and transform.

"Are you ready?"

In their last few times, he did not bother to ask. Then again, she was the one who initiated those times, meaning she clearly wanted it. But that question had a hidden one behind it. "_Yes_," she whispered.

And then, he pushed in - but not quickly like the other times. It was slow, leaving a build up as he filled her completely. She stretched around him, her warmth surrounding him and sucking him in. She held a breathe, her lips parted as he sheathed himself inside of her. Something was different, better; he was deep, deeper than he had ever been before. The more he pushed in, the more her legs raised and at some point, it became unbearable; she tightened around his neck trying to find something to hold off the feeling. She wanted to push him out and bring him in further at the same time. She thrusted her hips upwards, allowing him an even better access. A deep moan tore from her throat and her back arched.

His hands glided the sides of her body, all the way up to her breasts. They had more bounce than before but they remained small. Regardless, his fingers slid across her breasts, his fingers grasping at the flesh. He kneaded them while he slowly pulled himself out of her and then back in. This way was better; every time he plunged and reached a new depth, she would squeeze him, keeping him locked inside, her juices enveloping him. The bigger her desire, the more his raised. He rolled his lips and watched as she squirmed under the sensations. Her hands rose and she dug her nails into his arms, grazing them down but never breaking the skin. She left red marks behind but he did not care.

Skin rubbed against skin, fingers rough with her breasts, toes curling into his hair, and moans of pleasure escaping her lips. He rode her, pushing, demanding and taking, until the pressure built up to an unbearable point. He had gotten used to her body during the past week and knew the triggers and the signs that announced her upcoming release. He picked up his pace easily, feeling his erection pulsing inside of her. The build up drove through him until he felt himself explode inside of her much like he had done the very first time they slept together. The searing liquid filled her and he remained there as he felt himself swell inside of her into he was locked in that position. _For a while_.

Kagome laid beneath him, covered in sweat, while he remained dry and flawless. That part she enjoyed a bit less; she was always a mess in the end while he looked at perfect as he did in the beginning. Muscles of marble, flawless skin, perfect hair. Everything about her was wrong. She rolled her hips, thinking he would roll off of her as he usually did - but he did not. He remained as he was and as she moved her hips she realized that they were _stuck_? Oh my god, they were stuck? What?

"There is no reason to panic," he said as he lifted himself from her body. He used his free hand to lower one of her legs off of his shoulder and then the other.

"We're not stuck?"

"We are but that is because I _knotted_ with you."

"K-knotted?"

"It is to ensure a better insemination," he explained, carefully choosing his words.

"O-oh."

Well this was awkward. She was used to them sleeping together, bodies sliding, feelings surging but this was new. Their intimacy was never linked to talking; they did not talk. It was simply not something they did. Now, he was on top of her - completely naked and she was supposed to do what exactly? It was probably best if she stayed silent. Any attempt at a conversation would only make this whole thing a lot more difficult than it already was. So why could she not stop freaking out? She wanted to roll on her side and fall asleep while he was far away from her. _Far far away_. Her bottom lip began to quiver and she wanted to yell at herself. It was no time to be pulling this off; she could not hide it from him.

Tears pooled in her eyes and despite her best efforts, she was unable to keep them at bay. Deep breathe, deep breathe. That was the solution right?

"Are you hurt?"

Nope, he noticed.

"I'm fine."

Being around humans was uncomfortable for him - mostly because they were all idiots. However, he usually did not mind her presence. This time was completely different. This was not what he had in mind when he allowed the knotting to happen. No, he did not expect them to speak but he did not anticipate the fact that she might cry. She said she was fine, therefore he should not ask any other questions.

And yet, her uncertainty unsettled him.

"Is this -"

"_NO_, it's not about the baby. I said I would have the baby, and I'm going to."

The last time she snapped at him, they ended up having sex for the first time. Although the difference was - he had provoked her. Now, he had done absolutely nothing to deserve her outburst of rage. It slipped her without her own accord. He kept asking about the child as though everything was about that. He knew nothing about her. If he did, he would have known something else was bothering her. But he was Sesshomaru and as she repeated to herself time after time, there was only one thing he would ever give her; his body. His heart was not hers to have and it did not matter how many times she gave her his; he could not take it. He would never know how to love.

Words died on her lips and she would never say them out loud.

"Very well," were his only words as he raised his head to look at the bed's headboard rather than her face. He had nothing to say about her outburst of rage. It was a welcomed emotion; it was better than sadness, pity or shame. He wanted to kick those emotions out of her; he did not want her or himself to feel them. It was time she picked herself up from the ground. Especially now that she would become a mother.

If he said anything, she would not do it again. Though he was not certain he enjoyed the fact that she raised her voice at him.

Seconds ticked away, neither looking at the other, and then, finally he was able to free himself from her core. As expected, as he slipped out, so did his cum. As soon as he landed on his side, she bolted from the bed. He watched as she ran to the bathroom and he knew she had a mess to clean. She left the door open behind her, allowing him to see her as she rushed to the bathroom, bare naked. She _was_ gaining weight; there was a bit more skin and fat jiggling when she ran. It was good thing.

Meanwhile Kagome slammed the door of the bathroom closed and rushed to the toilet. She was a sticky mess. She did not know why she was expecting anything else; it was exactly what happened the first time around. She rested her elbows on her thighs and then hide her face in her palms. Finally, the tears streamed down her face and she let the sobs come out. She kept herself quiet, though she knew she had no privacy. He knew she was crying. At this point, she was unable to hold it in so it did not matter. Her heart had burst open and it needed to be let out. She heaved, trying to fill her lungs with air but it did not work.

_This felt like death_.

Those words would hunt her forever. The words she could not speak. She could never ask him to _hold_ her.

She had his body. He took her time after time, he kissed her, he touched every part of her body but he would never _hold_ her.

Because he would never love her.

And for the first time the weight of that realization broke her.

-R-


	24. The Pronking

**A/N: **I know some of you were unhappy with the last chapter! I hope this one will make everyone's smile. :)

**Red Lotus **

**Chapter 24: The Pronking**

She kicked the door opened with her foot, a tension running through her quadriceps. She pushed her way in while her back was sluggish and arched over. Kagome ran her fingers through her short black hair and closed the door with her back. _Who knew_ a six hours shift could be this exhausting? It had been unexpected really. She thought she could not obtain a job because of her lack of experience but apparently luck was on her side. The little bookstore downtown called, offering her a position as a cashier. Kagome jumped on the opportunity and after a quick interview she was hired. Of course, she had no doubt that they might have hired her out of pity but the fact remained the same; she had a job.

Now, she would be bringing in money and she would quit leeching off Sesshomaru. Plus, with a maybe-baby on the way, it would not hurt to have some extra money.

Kagome finally tore herself from the door and shook her shoes off of her feet. Somewhere in the background she could hear dishes clinging; Sesshomaru was cooking. She raised her wrist and glanced at her watch; it was nearing six o'clock. She had not told him about the job. After all, what if she did not get it? She did not need him to add another failure to her long list of things she sucked at. Plus, conversation was a little difficult at the moment. They never spoke about her little outburst because _she _was not about to tell him the reason behind it and he did not care enough to ask. Putting distance between them was the best thing she could do at the moment. It spared her heart.

She dragged her feet to the kitchen where she found him pouring pastas in a bowl. He was truly making sure she got all of her meals. She had put on a little weight in the past few weeks. She supposed that was a good thing. Although the taste of food remained somewhat blend.

Sesshomaru barely lifted his eyes - just enough to steal a glimpse. When he found the apartment empty, he assumed she went to see her psychiatrist. However, now that she was in the room with him, he began to have doubts. There were unfamiliar scents rolling off of her; men, paper_, women,_ and bad perfume? This was not the scent she carried back with her when she saw the _woman_. No, she had been somewhere else. Somewhere where they were men. They did not exactly touch her but they were near her. Where was this place? And why did she look so tired? _He was not going to ask_. But his grip on the blue porcelain bowl did tighten. He pushed it in her direction, his fingers crisped.

"Thank you," she whispered as she sat down. Working did help her develop an appetite. _Working_. She could not believe she was the one saying that word.

He leaned across the counter, not touching his own bowl. Eating was not necessary and his current focus prevented him from even _pretending_ he needed to eat. A glance was tossed her way, barely a flicker of the eye, but he saw nothing. He could not read her as well as he thought he could. He did feel a strange happiness radiating through his chest and he knew that had absolutely nothing to do with him. _It was coming from her_. Why was she happy? What happened to her? She would not know if their attempts worked for a few days. There were too many factors covering her scent meaning _he_ could not tell she was pregnant. She would need to be a few weeks along for him to detect it. At that point, a test was faster. She said she would take one around the time of her period. Since she did not always get them, it was not a good enough indicator on its own.

Alright, if he stared at her any longer, he would drive her insane.

"How was work?"

"Acceptable."

Alright perhaps talking about a job he hated was not the best conversation starter. Should she tell him? He probably already knew, hence the glaring. "I got a job." And she slurped her noodles.

He blinked. "A job?"

She nodded. "At a bookstore."

"Which one?"

"It's not far from your work. Kinokuniya Bookstore."

He knew the place; he drove by it on his way to work. Though he wondered why she went searching for a job. She might be pregnant soon and despite her regained strength he doubted she would be able to carry a child and work at the same time. Then again, it was not his place to tell her how to live her life.

"It won't be much. Ten to fifteen hours a week." She did not want to start with much until she was sure she could handle it. Plus, all her nightly activities with Sesshomaru drained her energy. Although, there was less of _those_ lately. "The extra cash could be useful."

She was not wrong about that. He took the time to make some research and indeed, the cost of raising a child in this modern age was expensive. Though he did think that the whole school system was a waste of time he figured she would not feel that way. And she did have a say in the way they would raise the child.

"Everyone's really nice there." Alright, at this point this counted as having a conversation by herself. It was beginning to get uncomfortable.

"Congratulations, then."

That was better than nothing.

He searched her eyes for a reaction but he found none. Lately, it had been difficult to expect her reactions - especially since she cried that night. He expected tears at any time and he was not a fan of tears. Not only that but the unsettling, dreading feeling in her chest? He felt it as well. It was little things but they were becoming bothersome. A sadness there, a frustration her, a ping of happiness later. And some of those mood swings occurred while he was at work. Did he not have a hard time enough putting up with all these idiots? Did he truly need the weight of _her emotions_ making him short temper? No. But he had to deal with it. It was all part of that stupid, awful bond they shared. He was more aggravated than ever.

Even now, his chest felt lighter than usual and it was unbearable.

"Thank you for dinner," she replied as she put her fork down. She gobbled it down faster than she imagined she would.

"You are welcome."

She saw the side of his nostrils flare and she assumed he was smelling her again. Maybe she did need a shower. Although he was not considerate of her feelings - which was hardly his fault since he had _no_ feelings_ - _it did not mean she could not be considerate of his. It would be best for his nose if she washed away all the scents that stank her body. "I'll take a shower. Did you need the bathroom?"

"No, you may proceed."

"Thanks."

She bit her bottom lip and stole a last glance his way before resigning herself. They had gotten better - they had gone through a barrier and managed to talk honestly. She even tried to provoke a reaction out of him and made _a deal_ with him. Now, it was back to civil, polite conversation. It was _driving her nuts._ She did not know why but she felt _angry_ lately. Like a foreign rage was seeping inside her chest, taking root and spreading.

"Are you okay with this?"

He tilted his head ever so slightly to the left. "Am I okay with you taking a shower?"

"With me working."

"You are free to do what you please with your life."

"So you don't have a problem with it."

"It's not my business to 'have a problem with it'."

She knew he was not _actually_ happy about - Sesshomaru was not happy about much. And he did not love. So what was there to be happy about? A reaction - anything. She _needed _something out of him.

"Alright then. Sorry I asked."

She ran her hand down her face; what was wrong with her. She looked like a girlfriend trying to pick a fight with her boyfriend. Except he was not her boyfriend he was her fake husband slash mate. Even better.

Kagome tried to chase all thoughts out of her mind as she headed for the bathroom and began her shower. She quickly stripped naked and stepped into the hot water. She let it calm her down, loosening the tight stress muscles of her body. A lot was changing and it was happening fast. She simply needed some time to get used to it. A sigh rolled off her lips and she began to shampoo her hair. There was more of it now. She was probably going to get a hair cut soon. Although the texture of her hair was horrendous, it did reach all the way to her ears. Problem? She looked like she had a boy hair cut. Since she clearly did not have the body of a woman, it did not help.

She stared down at her chest, observing the changes that had taken place over time. Her breasts had enlarged, though they remained small compared to their previous size. There was a hint of ribs showing and a little pudgy belly. As she gain weight it did not come back everywhere evenly. Hence the belly. The thigh gap she despised was slowly reducing and there was a bit more padding on her rear - and that she was grateful for. Her rather previous flat ass did not make for a good cushion. But there was a still a long way to go. The constant feedings were helping.

Kagome rinsed out her hair and soaped up her body, scrubbing enough to remove the scents that coated her skin. Once she was done, she put the white soap back on the shower caddy. Unfortunately for her, she missed the slightly rusted edge of it and scraped her hand along side of it. "_Ow!_"

Quickly she held her hand under the water, letting it wash away the blood. Another downside to the sickness; she was a bit more prone to injuries and when she did injure herself, it was worst than it should be. She thought that problem would have fixed itself by now but apparently she was wrong. It stung and burned as she tried not to cringe while the water seemed to make the pounding in her hand worse. _Idiot_. As if she wanted to show up with a wound at work. She tried taking her hand away from the water but the blood did not stop. _Maybe she needed a bandage_?

There was a creak and Kagome raised her head. She peeked from the beige and black shower curtain and saw Sesshomaru standing in the bathroom. The door was wide open behind him and he stood beside the steamy, fog filled mirror. His eyes were scanning the shower, his nose scrunching as he smelled the blood.

Kagome pulled the curtain away from her naked body without shame. He had seen her naked before. She held up her hand and showed him the injury. "Sorry, I - I cut myself. It was stupid." She should have known that the blood would attract his attention. He would not let her die in the shower.

He stepped closer to her, his eyes glued to her hand. Meanwhile the shower kept running, splashing water around on the floor but neither cared. He grabbed her wrist and brought her hand to his face. He turned it, inspecting it until finally he released her. "Get out of the shower." It sounded like an order but his tone was not harsh.

She followed his instructions, a shiver traveling down her back as she stepped out of the warmth of the water. Her feet quickly soaked up the white carpet with water and she waited there, her arms wrapped up around her chest. He moved towards the medicine cabinet and gestured for her to come closer. _Alright_, she might have been fine with being naked while he inspected her injury but now it was getting awkward. Usually when she was naked, the only interaction happening was sex. This was not sex. Therefor, it was weird.

Once she was beside him, he grabbed her wrist again. She thought he would clean it or disinfect it but instead, he stared again. And then it happened. He approached it to his lips. She watched with wide eyes as he lapped his tongue across the wound, licking off all trace of blood. She held her breathe while his actions caused tingles to spread and replace the numbness in her hand. He _licked_ her hand. Blood kept leaking out of the cut and he did not stop licking. She could feel his tongue diving into the depths of the open flesh _and for the love of Kami _why was she so aroused by this? She watched him intensively as though she was in a trance. Her eyes never wavered while his grip on her wrist tightened.

What she did not see was the growing erection growing in his pants.

He did not meant to - he should not have. He even managed to walk away initially - but _he was not able to do it twice._ Now he had her in his grip and he did not want her to go. His blood was pumping, his body heat rising while he wanted to devour her whole. The redness of her blood soaked through his eyes, turning them crimson. He exhaled loudly against her palm and finally, he used his hold on her to tug her forward. Her wet chest collided with his, water staining his perfectly ironed grey dress shirt but he did not care. She was as aroused as he was and it was all he needed before he crashed his lips against hers. Instincts forced him to release her wrist while he wrapped his arms around her wet body.

He quickly attached her lips until to move on to her neck. She tilted her head backwards, giving him all the access he needed. Her hands tangled in his hair, while a small voice in the back of her head kept repeating to _cool_ off. Every time he touched her, electricity traveled through her body and she did not want him to stop. She felt him lift her and settle her on the counter and a weird feeling of déjà-vu washed over her. His hands began to struggle with his belt and suddenly, she heard his black pants fall to the ground. She imagined that the boxers followed but she could not tell as her eyes were closed. A skillful tongue lapped at her neck and she clutched his shirt, covering it with her blood.

She never smelled blood before.

But at that specific moment she could.

Cooper, and sweet. It burned, leaving a trail of heat behind. It was tingling her insides, calling out to her to abandon all reasons. Could blood really do that to a person?

His hand squeezed her hips and he used his knee to part her legs. However, there was one problem; this was not the counter in the kitchen. It was too high. That prevented him from achieving his goal. He inched her closer, frustrated but when it did not work he growled. It rumbled through her, distracting her. She yelped when he glided her down her feet but nothing surprised her more as when he flipped her around. Her stomach touched the cold marble counter and as he moulded his body to hers, she bent over it. His nose was snuggling her neck, inhaling her scent. At this point, her blood covered everything around them and it was making him _hard_. He pressed his lower body to hers, his cock digging between her ass cheeks.

He tilted his hips down, forcing himself to slid in between her wetness. He lifted her ass up, giving himself better access, and pushed himself inside her wet core. Immediately, she moaned and he gripped at her while increasing the speed of his thrusts. He smacked against her repetitively, tearing whimpers of pleasure from her throat. She clutched the counter but it did not good. Her small breasts bounced every time he penetrated her and she tossed her head backwards. When they did this, it was in the traditional position, his body somewhat far from hers despite their obvious _connection_. This was different. His hands were exploring her back, his chest against hers, his legs trapping her, and his nose _it was in her neck, it was on small of her back…_it tickled, it nuzzled.

It was almost intimate.

She inhaled deeply as fingers brushed up against ribs, lifting to cup her breasts. Claws grazed at the skin while he slipped in and out of her wetness. She was not even fertile; it was not about that. He pounded inside of her, slowly pulling her away from the counter. Her chest hung in the emptiness while her grip on the counter was what kept her steady. He could plunge deeper than ever before and every time he let himself slid inside of her warm, dripping core, her ass would smack against him. He dared to let go of her breasts and moved his hands to cup her rear. At first, he was gentle, fingers caressing the flesh, but as she tightened around him, squeezed him, he groped at the flesh, leaving trails of red marks behind.

Kagome pushed back against his thrusts, sliding hihm harder and deeper inside. She knew she was the one making all the noises, unable to control her voice. "Sess-s." It was too much, too much to bear, too much to handle. Her throat was raspy and dry from her all her cries of passion.

He nuzzled his face to the back of her neck. "A-again."

His voice startled her; he never spoke during the act. Again? He wanted her to say his _name_ again? She was supposed to protect her heart from him, put as much distance between them as she could. He was acting differently, possessive, worrying some - speeding in here the moment she hurt herself. "Sesshomaru," she moaned as he gripped her ass and pushed himself deep inside. She clenched her walls around him, feeling her impending doom lurking above her. _She was going to come undone_. This was more intense, erotic than anything else they had done.

He kept touching her, filling her, never giving her a beat to recover. She melted under his touch, her juices dripping down her own legs. _If _he fucked her like that she was going to - _and she did_. She clenched around him, keeping him sucked in deep inside of her while her world fall apart. Warmth exploded around him as he lodged himself in her core, and he let his claws pierce the skin of her rear. More blood spilled from her body while he was forced to empty himself inside of her. His heavy chest pressed against her back, giving her the task of holding him up slightly. His claws retracted from her flesh and he wrapped his arms around her waist. Her chest heaved with every breathe she took while she tried to catch her breathe.

Her legs were shaking, threatening to give in but he was holding her up.

What happened? And why did she like it so much?

-R-

"Thank you, please come again."

Kagome handed the customer his bag with a smile on her lips. She closed the register and sat back down on her little stool. She laid her injured hand on her lap, mindful of her bandage. After the bathroom _incident_, Sesshomaru had cleaned the wound - properly - and wrapped a bandage around the injury. Although all of that was _after_ he licked the new wounds on her rear. The memory of it was enough to bring a deep dark blush to her cheeks. _Now _was not the time to be thinking about that. They resumed their lives normally afterwards. He had even dropped her off to work this morning, saying it was on his way anyway.

"Kagome?"

"Yes, Mr. Takashi?"

He was an older man with grey peppered through his hair. He wore thick rimmed black glasses and always dressed in a plaid shirt with black pants. He was nice, always asking her if she was alright or needed a break. She did not want the pity he was offering her but he knew he was doing it out of the kindness of her heart without any evilness behind. People wanted to cuddle her ups because she was _sick_.

"You can go on your lunch break now."

"Thank you."

Lunch, right. She did not think about that. It was only her second shift and since her eating schedule was based on _when_ Sesshomaru made food for her - the thought of having a lunch break did not occur to her. She bent down and grabbed her purse from beneath the counter. Slowly, she made her way out of the bookstore and into the streets. She could go eat to a little restaurant or something. Maybe grab a café? Although… by herself? She did not even consider the possibility of bringing a book with her. She stared into the distance, one building standing out; Sesshomaru's bank.

Could she?

It would be about his lunch time as well.

But that would be bothering him in another sphere of his life.

Then again, he mentioned time and again how he despised the people at his work. He had to have lunch with them - every day. Surely her company had to be better than that of his co-workers? She clenched her hands into fists and began heading towards the large, grey building. All the way there, she panicked. Sometimes she considered turning around but she kept walking ahead regardless. By the time she reached the front door her hands were shaking. She pulled the door open and walked in. For the most part it was calm, a few regular people walking around, a few businessman speeding around with their suitcases. She searched the welcome counter and once she found it, she beelined for the blonde lady.

She inspected her, her perfect hair wrapped in a tight bun, a white blouse that highlighted her fairly large breasts and a black pencil skirt that did wonder for her waist. She also had a white name tag that read _Yuuki_.

"Hello, how may I help you too?"

"Hi. Hm, yes I'm looking for Sesshomaru Taisho?"

The girl nodded. "Yes do you have an appointment?" she asked as she began to type away on her computer.

"Hm, no."

"I'm sorry," she replied with a smile plastered on her face. "You will need an appointment to see him. Would you like to make one?"

"Actually, I'm - I'm his wife. I just wanted to know if he was free for lunch?"

The woman's eyes traveled to her short messy hair all the way to her ugly brown shoes. _Big pink blouse, _way too baggy for her and a pair of black pants that remained on her waist only because she had squeezed the crap out of a belt. She was not impressed. She heard the stories but she had refused to believe they were true. Sesshomaru Taisho as too good looking to be married to _that_. "His - wife?"

"Kagome H- Taisho."

Yuuki popped her red lips together, returning to the fake facade. "I'll call him." Her brown eyes narrowed as she reached out for the phone, pressing the dial pad a little harder than she needed to. "Yes, Mr. Taisho? I have your _wife_ here? Kagome. Yes well -"

And that was it. She did not have time to finish her sentence because Sesshomaru hung up on her. Yuuki stared at the phone in disbelief. _He hung up on her_. He could not possibly be mad simply because she said his _wife_ was here. Could it be that the woman was lying?

Kagome popped her lips; that conversation did not go well. Despite the woman's best efforts at keeping a straight face, the truth was obvious; Sesshomaru hung up on her. Perhaps all of this had been a terrible idea…

"Kagome?"

At the sound of his deep voice she twirled around. "Se-sesshomaru."

"Are you hurt?"

And that was the first thing that came to his mind. Of course he was the sane one out of the two of them. Because she should not be there, at his work, waiting to go to lunch with him.

"Hm, no. I - it's my lunch time."

She came all the way to the bank to tell him she was having lunch? "And?"

"D-did you hm, want to - erm, go somewhere?"

He blinked as her words processed. She wanted to have lunch with him? Every day, he had lunch at work surrounded by idiots. Initially, her proposition sounded foolish but now as he thought back about what a hell that half an hour was - _it did not sound as crazy. _

_"_Let me grab my jacket."

He disappeared from her view while she remained there stunned. Did he actually agree without putting up a fight? Clearly he was still feeling the effect of the after glow or whatever. There was no way - he - _she was not going to argue._ For a single moment, her heart felt lighter and she let a smile creep up on her. There was a bit of hope.

Once Sesshomaru came back they walked in silence to a little bistro that was right by the bank; no car ride required. The awkwardness did not dissipate, not even when they sat down and ordered their food. Kagome sipped her water to distract herself from the situation she had created. _Maybe she did not think it all the way through_. Worst of all? Sesshomaru was comfortable in silence. It was mostly a break for his ears.

"Sorry - I just thought…"

"Your company is far more enjoyable than the presence of those idiots." He worked with them everyday; his patience quickly reached its limit in their presence.

"I didn't even know I was allowed a lunch break."

"Have you ever worked before?"

She shook her head. "Back then I was traveling between eras and then - well I got sick." The well shut forever and then bang came the illness ready to claim her life. Some days it felt like she was not meant to live in either era. She saw and knew too much.

The waitress interrupted their conversation by putting their plates down in front of them. Sesshomaru ordered a simple miso soup while Kagome went for a large sandwich. He was pleased with her recent food choices; she was eating more. She stopped arguing with him when he put food in front of her and she was putting on weight. He noticed it especially during the last sexual encounter; there was more for him to grab than before. He had to admit the changes were pleasing. She also had more energy during their activities. He figured that would only increase with time.

"Thanks for coming to lunch," she said as she put her sandwich down.

This was something married couple do. Of course they were not a normal married couple. Still, spending time with her was better than with anyone else. Especially considering the fact that she was to be the future mother of his heir. He knew a bit of who she used to be, he knew who she was now, but he did not know who she would be now that she would live. He did not think she had figured it out either.

"It is no trouble. Your company is not troublesome."

That almost sounded like a compliment.

"What is it you do at your _job_?"

"Oh, nothing important. I'm just a cashier. I get a stool. I think he's afraid I won't make it if I have to stand the entire time."

"Then he is an idiot." Why would he hire someone if he thought they were not fit for the job? Out of pity? He knew what she could do and she deserved something because she was worthy of it. Not because someone took pity on her.

"What?"

"Why did he hire you if he did not think you could do the job?"

"Maybe he took pity on me. Maybe he realized nobody else was going to hire me. Pus I like this a whole lot better than volunteering for some cancer foundation where I have to look dying people in the face while I got away from it. While I cheated my way out of it." And there it was. She did not mean for all those words to come out but they did.

"Cheated?" She mentioned that before but he figured she got over it.

"You don't like me, you didn't want this. And now we're trying to make the best out of a bad situation." She was his best option for the time being. Hence why he rather have lunch with her than with his co-workers. It did not make her special and it did not mean he would ever have feelings for her. It simply was the way things were.

"I do not make the best out of a bad situation, as you put it. I chose the situation in which I put myself."

There was something off about her. He noticed it ever since she cried. He thought they were over all of these issues and yet she brought them up again. Her concerns were beginning to become his. Their sexual activities deepened the bond that had been left incomplete for so long. He did not want to be more human, he did not want to feel more than he already did but he was forced to admit the situation worsened every day.

Kagome was not like him. She did not chose the situation in which she found herself. It all happened and she tried to deal the best way she could. And she pretty much failed at that.

"You're right."

Did- did she agree with him? He arched an eyebrow but she did not seem to think anything was unusual about that. Instead, she simply took another bite of her sandwich. Perhaps now he was the one making a bigger deal of it.

"You did not cheat your way out of anything. You deserved it." He might not enjoy all the changes that were happening but it did not mean he disrespected her. _She was _somewhere in there a fighter. And he saw a little glimpse of it today. It was slowly coming back. He had respect for her strength and he knew she would simply grow and find that courage back.

Did she? "I put a jewel back together."

"Nobody else could have done it."

And there was no words to argue back. Because he was right; she could purify them, she could locate them. Even Kikyo could not do that. It was her task all along, hence why the jewel had been hidden deep inside of her body. And that mission almost cost her the very thing that made her; her life.

"That's true." She smiled. "I guess I was needed."

Even if it was only for a brief moment, there was a time where she had a purpose. Would she find such a thing again?

-R-

Tears.

He could smell their salty scent all the way into the main hall in front of the apartment. He did not know if he had the energy to deal with another crisis. He had to stay late at work because some useless idiot messed up and lost a couple of important papers. Nobody could leave until they were found which put him behind. He shoved his key in the lock before glancing rapidly at his black leather watch and sighed as he saw it indicated well past 8 o'clock. He did not need this. This human life was about to kill him. It was easier when he was a ghost and nobody noticed him. Now they asked him about his wife, they asked him about his life. They thought they were buddies. And that did not include all the foreign emotions constantly bubbling inside of him.

Still, despite his weariness, he entered the apartment, removed his jacket and hung it. He let his black briefcase rest against the nearby wall and he inspected the surroundings. He was rather pleased when he saw there were dishes in the sink; she made food for herself. He did not think she would if he was not home. Good, it meant all of his efforts were not in vain; she was getting back into a normal routine and was integrating eating into her schedule. It was important that she did so. He did not even know if her current weight allowed her to be pregnant. It certainly did not help.

But none of the evidence he found explained the tears he smelled.

After a brief moment, he could tell she was in the bedroom and for a second he found himself wondering if it was all a bad dream. Perhaps a nightmare was plaguing her while she slept and forced tears out of her eyes. He did notice that she had a bit less energy these days. Then again, they were doing more...activities than before and now she worked. It could be a little too much for her body. He could not wait for her recovery to be complete and frankly he thought it was dragging out. Should she not be a lot better than this by now? It had been a while. Plus, once she recovered fully, it would be less bothersome for everyone, herself included.

Nonetheless, he had no other choice; he had to go in the bedroom; he was exhausted and he had no other desire than to remove his suit. He approached the door, seeing the light coming from underneath it, and quietly opened it. Inside, he found her but unlike what he expected she was not asleep. No, instead she was sitting in the bed staring at something that was in her hands and she was crying over it. He burrowed his eyebrows, trying to come up with a logical explanation for the scene in front of him but he found nothing. Did she find something? What could she have possibly found?

As he closed the door, it attracted her attention and she snapped her head up. Her eyes widened and she quickly wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. "Hi." Well, now how was she going to explain this one? _Great_.

"Hello," he politely greeted back.

She sunk her teeth in her bottom lip, trying to avoid glancing at the tiny object that was cradled in her hands. Her reaction was completely irrational and she did not mean for him to find her this way. She had been thinking about throwing it out for the last hour or so. She simply had not found the strength to get up and do it. And now it was too late because he was here and he saw her. Then again, she did have to share this news with him, right? After all, it concerned his priority in their relationship. He did not have as much sex with her as they were having for nothing. Though, he did not often say no to the pleasure of the flesh. Regardless, he had something to gain from this; a baby.

Her hands trembled like a leaf as she lifted them up. It finally allowed him to see what she was holding; a pregnancy test. It was thin and white except for the tip of it which was a dark purple. "I'm not pregnant."

And those words confused him more than anything else happening in the room. He was fairly certain she was not the most ecstatic when it came to the pregnancy. Why was she crying because she was not pregnant? He had expected such an outcome especially considering what the doctors told her mixed with the weakness of her body. Even healthy couples did not conceive on their first try. And they were not most couple. Plus, they were a mix of a youkai and a human miko. There was nothing strange about them needing more time to conceive a child.

He took a step forward into the room and began unbuttoning his white shirt. "Did you expect to be?" Perhaps that was the source of her current state of crying. Did she throw up? Did she feel lightheaded? It was not as though she would have shared those symptoms with him.

She gave him a shrug of the shoulders. "No." Nothing made her think she was. As a matter of fact she went into it thinking that she was not pregnant.

Why was she crying? She was scared about this meaning the later it happened, the better it was. Yet as the tiny screen indicated the words _not pregnant_, a feeling of disappointment sunk in her chest. There were many things wrong and screwy with her body and this only served to remind her of that. What child would want to live in a sick womb?

Sesshomaru _heard_ the shatter of her heart. Why? Because it echoed through him. He had noticed that the biggest emotions were easily shared but he did not expect _this_ one to be one of those. He was forced to bring a hand to his chest and he clutched it. _He needed to get her mind off of this_. He took long strides in her direction and before she could even react, he snatched the pregnancy test from her hands. He tossed it in the nearby garbage and then returned to her side with a serious look on his face. Though he could see she had not shed any new tears since his arrival in the bedroom, he knew her eyes were filled with tears. _She had to stop_.

"There will be other months." He was not one known for his words of comfort but this was the best he had to offer her.

Her eyes met his and she quietly nodded. He removed himself from the bed and return to his dresser. He undid his belt and his pants, letting them drop the ground. Then, he folded everything and put it back in the laundry. He remained in his black boxers and decided they were appropriate sleeping attire. He was dying for a shower but it would have to wait until morning. He saw her from the corner of his eye as she let herself slid down until she was laying in the bed. She inched the blankets until they covered her entire body. Then, she turned to her side, her back facing him. He tried to sniff but found no more trace of tears. Perhaps his words had worked?

He joined her in bed, silently slipping under the blanket and then, closing the light. They were left in the darkness.

Kagome inhaled slowly before burying her face in the pillow. Why did it hurt every time her heart beat?

Her thoughts were distracted when she felt Sesshomaru shift. It was a bit unusual; he had a habit of sleeping on his back. But, no he turned. He was facing _her back_. Why was he facing in her direction? Her heartbeat began to pick up and she held her breathe. Was it about sex? Because she was fairly convinced it would be a disaster if they shared an intimate moment right now. But it was not about that. _She felt it_. There it was; his hand on her hip. There was a still an awful lot of distance between them, but his hand was on her hip. And he was not doing it to bring her closer or to indicate something.

It was just a warm touch. A Sesshomaru's version of…a cuddle?

Her heartbeat slowed down and a smile formed on her lips. She should not let herself be happy about this because it meant nothing - but -

_Right now_, just tonight… it would mean everything.

-R-


	25. The Provisional

**A/N: **School started up again and honestly with working full time and school full time- I've just been exhausted. I'm just trying to find my update schedule again. I hope next updates will come easier.

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 25: The Provisional**

The city was buzzing with sounds and cars as the lunch hour was long over. As per their new routine, Kagome and Sesshomaru had lunch together. Although she thought it might be awkward at first, it ended up being a calming moment. Sometimes they did not chat much, but it did not matter. He was away from his poisonous environment and she - _she did not eat _alone. She did not gain much from their little lunches and yet she kept on having them. Why not? It was rather nice to enjoy some time with him that did not involve sex - _not that the sex was not enjoyable_. It was. But, spending time with clothes on was something she appreciated. Also, it helped her notice the slight changes in Sesshomaru's attitude.

He comforted her when she broke down and that was significative for her. It was a slight touch, a mere whisper of a hand, but it was enough. It made her heart soar and it lessened the pain left behind in her heart. She never asked for more though it was hard to ignore the need that bubbled within her chest, creating an uncomfortable pressure. She needed those physical shows of emotions - a physicality that did not include sex. She did not want him to touch her because he craved her, no… she wanted him to touch her because his _soul_ needed her. Although that was nothing more than a foolish thought, a child's imagination running too wild. It was how she felt; a child that let herself be fooled by illusions.

Kagome let the air vibrate past her lips before she smiled at the upcoming customers. The back of her legs were killing her, clamping up and tensing. Working and standing all day was _new_ and her muscles did not appreciate everything she put them through. Her shift was almost over; she needed to hold on a few more minutes.

"Did you find everything alright?"

"Yes, thank you," the man replied with a smile. His hair was dark and short, messy spikes turning upwards. He wore a nice cloudy grey suit with an ebony shirt beneath it, revealing nothing but a hint of skin near his neck.

Kagome picked up the green hardcover book and scanned it over. The price flashed on the screen and she turned to him. "That will be 1748 yen."

He handed her the money and she put it in the register. As she busied herself getting a white plastic bag for his book, she missed the way he was looking at her. His green eyes locked over her form staring her up and down. She did manage to buy a few article of clothing to look more presentable for work, but it was nothing more than fitting black pants and blouses. She did not want to spend her money on clothes when her size would be changing soon. She shoved the book into the bag and lifted her head to stare at him. She gave him her best smile and handed him the bag.

"Thank you, I hope you have a nice day."

"May I say something?"

Her eyes bunched while her lips parted, but she quickly caught herself and nodded. "Of course." Was there something wrong with the way she served him? A ping traveled through her heart, but she kept a straight face.

"You're very beautiful."

Her head stretched forward while her chin dipped forward. Surprise shone in her eyes while they grew bigger and suddenly, there were no words in her throat; only the tightness of stress. She became aware of every detail of her body; the dark circles under her blue eyes, the paleness of her skin and the messiness of her hair. She woke up in the morning, brushed the little bit of hair she had and left. She was many things but beautiful? She knew Sesshomaru enjoyed her body, but he was not an objective opinion considering their whole situation… _and then it hit her_. His words were nothing but a reflection of his pity. The cancer left a trail of marks behind and they remained visible to the eye. He spoke words of softness in the hope of boosting her ego.

But it did not work.

"Thank you," she finally stuttered.

He smirked at her reaction before leaning forward. The quiet shy ones were always the easiest targets. "This might seem a bit forward but, _may I_ be so bold as to ask you for your phone number?"

He…he was hitting on her? This was… _what_. She stared at him for a second, her mouth in a grim twist. _This was a joke_. If she actually had friends, she would think this was some kind of _joke_ - a prank. However, the only person she knew was Sesshomaru, and he was not the type to pull stunts like these - never in a million years. She was too stunned to reply the right answer which explained the fact that she was married.

"Your shift ended three minutes ago."

The sound of Sesshomaru's deep voice shook her out of her trance. Her head snapped in his direction and a quiet _oh_ flew from her mouth. She popped her lips and then plastered a smile on her features while restraining the shake of her hands. "Right, I'm almost done." She turned her attention back to the man and forced her smile to grow. "Thank you and please come again." She pulled her body away from the counter. "I'll get my bag."

And then, she disappeared from sight.

"A wedding ring is usually an indicator that one is taken."

The shorter man by his side let his gaze travel to Sesshomaru's face and he stared at him for a moment. _Clearly he was the husband_. "Listen, I didn't know."

Kagome's fingers were frail and in complete view the entire time; there was no chance that he missed it. To top it all off, he reeked of _lies_ and deceit. Sesshomaru held knowledge about this kind of man - he even worked with a few that indulged in similar activities. He never wasted time on it, but he did label them as men who lacked honor. There was no gratification in stealing another man's wife. He should not even bother with a comment, especially since Kagome remained free to choose for herself, but she did not appear to be comfortable with the situation. She had tried to remove herself from the unwanted attention. There was no scent of arousal or desire lingering on her body; only stress and confusion.

"You have your purchase. I believe you may exit the store now."

A snort escaped the man and he finally turned around to look at Sesshomaru. He was not looking for trouble, but he did not need some petty husband telling him what to do. He told her she was beautiful and he tried to have her number; there was nothing wrong with that. She was a bit scrawny, but she was cute. Unfortunately for him, when he looked at Sesshomaru, his blood iced and his face froze. For a second, he swore there was a redness seeping through the white, but as quickly as it had appeared, it faded away. A rumble echoed through until finally, he took a step back with shaky legs. There was something tickling his skin, raising the hair on his arms and forcing a _fleeing_ reaction out of him. _What the fuck_.

"Ye-yeah," was all mumbled while backing away, never turning his back to Sesshomaru.

Sesshomaru watched him leave and was only satisfied when the door closed behind the man. _He hated fools_ who dared to challenge him. He might not be able to display his strength and power as he used to, but it did not mean he would let a mere human challenge him. He remained a dayoukai, despite his loss of status. On cue, he heard little footsteps and focused his attention back to Kagome. Apparently she did not notice the rise in his aura since she was busy roaming through her purse, not even wondering what had taken place a few moments ago. Perhaps it was best this way. He did not want her to get the wrong impression.

"Sorry about that," she said as she stopped in front of him. Sometimes he picked her up but only if her shift ended near his. It was her decision. She told him not to come back later for her and only to bring her home if it was not an inconvenience. She did not want to be his burden.

"It is no trouble," he said as he lead the way back to the car. He felt her following him from behind and he made sure to keep a small distance between them.

_He no longer trusted his body around her_. Recently, he was plagued by new kind of urges hence why he was glad she missed the incident with the man. He did not want her to get the wrong impression. Things were confusing and it did not want to make them worse. Honestly, it was not his fault; it was that damn bond. It was slowly messing with his head. He resisted the urge to rub his temples as they arrived in front of the car. He unlocked the car and hopped in the driver's side, hoping all of this madness would subdue soon.

_He was getting a headache_.

Kagome joined him in the car, an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach. She could not explain it but something was _off_, she felt a possessiveness and a sense of entitlement weaving through her chest. What was that about? She tried to steal a peek at Sesshomaru, but it was to no avail; she could not detect anything. She should not push her luck any further. They had managed to keep things rather decent instead of awkward and she did not want to spook him away. She leaned into her seat and she kept herself quiet as she put on her seatbelt. A quick glance at his hands allowed her to notice the way he was clenching the wheel.

Why did she feel like something positive happened?

-R-

The sound of paper bills being ruffled while they were counted echoed in his head. He tried to shut it off, but all that did was allow him to hear the shuffle of the feet along with the tapping of keyboard keys. _Could he not get a moment of peace_? To top it all off, perfume and cologne mingled in the air and the mix was not pleasing to his sensitive nose. This place was going to drive him absolutely insane. He shook his foot, his patience running its course, while he kept his face stoic. He did his best to take deep breaths, exhaling through his nose. In about ten minutes, he would leave and meet Kagome for lunch. It would get him out of this awful place. Everything irritated him - _all the time_.

He did not know what it was. He had less patience than usual and he could barely deal with having of those idiots lurking around. He had rejected every single loan request he had today. Granted they were stupid and did not deserve any kind of financing but he usually let one slip through the crack. He had to give the appearance that he was human or else they might fire him. And he needed this stupid, foolish job. He maintained his cover too long to blow it off now. Then again, it would feel rather liberating to tell them all off and let his green, poisonous whip out. _No_. He clenched his hands into fists, his knuckles protuberant as he did so.

"Sesshomaru?"

As the shrieking voice reached his ears, his eyes narrowed. "Yes?"

"Hm, your wife is here."

Kagome was here? They usually simply met at the restaurant. He pushed himself up, ready to join her in the lobby.

"Actually, she's here, _here_."

The small brunette moved out of the way to reveal that Kagome was behind her. She was standing there, her arms hiding behind her body and her head tipped down as if she was too ashamed to even look at him. The redness of her cheeks spread all the way to the tip of her ears and she was shuffling her feet awkwardly. He raised an eyebrow, intrigued and moved from behind his desk.

"Thank you, Yuuki," he spoke, trying to dismiss her as politely as possible.

"Yes, of course," the short girl replied before scampering off. _Everyone_ had noticed his bad mood and nobody wanted to be the reason behind it. He was usually quiet and unnoticeable but lately, his attitude had shifted. They all guessed that his wife was not doing as well as she pretended and it was slowly eating him alive. Some jerks did think that it was because he did not want to be married anymore but could not divorce his poor wife. _Whatever the reason_, nobody dared to ask.

Sesshomaru stared her down before closing the distance between them. She had something to say and somehow, he felt like he probably did not want the entire office to hear this. That was probably due to _her_ nervousness passing through him.

"Are you cancelling our lunch?" he queried as nonchalantly as he could.

She shook her head, still unable to meet his gaze. How was she supposed to bring this up when she had not really talked to him about it. After the results of the first pregnancy test, he somewhat comforted her. She knew he was not one to relish in those kinds of gestures and it probably made him quite uncomfortable. She wanted to avoid that situation. She tried to find a solution to the problem but… honestly, she did not think _this_ little thing would bring those kinds of results. She bought it _today_. Today of all day. Obviously she did not think it through. She saw the result at work - too afraid to take it at home - and then - it was on her mind all day. Then, she had the stupid idea to come to his work…

They could not go home, it was too far. Why did she think she had time? She thought if she left early…they might make it just on time. There was no traffic at this time.

"Then, why are you here?" His tone was harsh, but he could not help himself. She was standing there, not speaking a word. She was wasting time for no apparent reason.

"I- I bought something," she finally managed to admit.

Although that did not explain anything to him.

_It could wait._ After all it said six to twelve hours right? She did take it in the morning, which was about six hours ago. It was fine. Closer to the end was fine… "It was an _ovulation test_," she spoke, whispering the last part.

He blinked, the words sinking in. A _what_?

"I - I thought it - would it said _today_."

She was _fertile_ right now? He inched himself forward and tried to subtly take a sniff. Unfortunately, it was quite hard to tell. Perhaps? There were so many scents and hers already was not that strong to begin with… Although that did not explain her presence here… unless… right now?

"I - I thought we might have time to go _home_." The word _stupid_ echoed in her head over a million times. This was supposed to help them speed the process up while they dealt with her stupidly broken body. When she first bought it, she thought it might be a good idea. Now, it was all wrong and she ached for the ground to swallow her whole.

It did explain her early presence. Although the apartment was a bit far from here and he was not quite sure they had the time to make it and return before his lunch was over. It was not as though his relationship with his boss was great… he could not afford to be as lazy as the others. Lacking social skills sometimes came back to bite him in the ass.

_This was the worst idea she ever had_. "I'm sorry - I just - I didn't think it through. I'll just wait for you he-"

"How long do you have?"

Her surprise was difficult to hide. "W-what?"

"How long?"

"It - six to twelve hours. I took it this morning."

Even if they waited, they would still be right in the window of opportunity and yet - there she stood. She came all the way to his workplace because of this. For a moment, he had a flash; he could see her face that night, the night she cried. There was a tightening of his stomach and it made his throat burn. He was disgusted with himself. Why did it matter if she shed tears? It should not. Failure was to be expected and he could not be held responsible for the fact that it did not work. She did not want this deal in the first place and yet, he - _no_.

It was better when he did not think about it.

"Come with me."

His words shook her and her mouth hung open as her eyes followed him. He walked right past her and then, once he was far enough, she appeared to snap out of it. Quickly, she followed behind and managed to catch up to him by forcing her legs to make long strides. Questions burned her lips, but she did not dare to ask any of them. They could not possibly be heading home - it did not make any sense. Her idea was foolish and - no. They were heading to lunch, there was no other explanation for this. He pushed the building's door opened and she followed behind him. Except, he did not begin walking in the direction of their usual lunch place. Instead, he turned to the left. _Where the underground parking was_.

She followed him quietly while he led her deep into the underground parking. The entire time she was deafened by the sound of her own heart while he took confident steps. It was her first time here; she did not even know he parked his car in such a lot. Finally, her stress lessened when she saw the vehicle come in view; they were going home after all. If he had chosen to go to the restaurant, they would have walked. Although, now she felt the familiar weight of guilt pressing against her chest. She convinced him to do this while it was clear he had no desire to do so. Still, the idea of having a child did come from him originally did it not? This was as much for her as it was for him, right? Why did that not persuade her?

Kagome heard the car door open and immediately she went for the one on the passenger's seat. That was when he stopped her by grabbing her wrist. Startled, her eyes widened and she met his gaze.

"Go in the back."

In the - what? She searched his molten eyes for an answer but did not obtain one. Instead, he simply released her from his grip and walked around the car. She inhaled a sharp breath before following his instructions. Her hand trembled while she managed to open the back door and slide in. To her surprise, he was doing the same on the other side.

"Ses-"

But she never had the chance to voice her question. Instead, she was pushed to her back while his lips quickly found their way to her neck. Warm, moist kisses were left the length of her throat and his hands roamed their way down to her waist. As soon as he pressed himself to her she could feel the hardening erection in his pants. She fought to find her voice, but it was hopeless. The touch of his hand ignited a fire inside of her and the surprise was enough to clamp up her throat. _She thought they were going home_. Instead, they were - here in public…and he was touching her? A blush spread across her face, coating her skin in a red hue. _Not good_. Anyone could walk back and see _- oh_.

His tongue lapped over the top of her breasts and she lost all will to think for a brief second.

"Sesshomaru…" it came out like a moan and she cursed herself.

"Is this not why you came here?"

Yes. No. Hands squeezed at her hips, forcing her to thrust into him. At this point, she was no longer certain _why_ she came to him_. _The stupid stick told her to? "I- but people."

"There is no one."

It was the reason why he slowed his pace down; he wanted to make sure he could not sense anyone else's presence. This was his workplace and he had no intention of letting anyone finding him in a compromising situation. As soon as someone even as much as went down the stairs, he would know and he would stop. As of right now, they were safe. Also, considering their time constraint, hurrying up was the best option they had. Plus, if anyone came by, he would sense them before they got too close. There was a slight thrill, a stress that ran down his spine as he put his lips back on hers. He devoured her mouth, basking in the sweet vanilla flavour she had to offer.

This had to be quick, this had to be as subtle as possible. He could not press his naked flesh against hers, he could not taste her. Instead, his hands found their way to her pants and undid them. He tugged on them, forcing her to lift her ass off the grey backseat. He pushed her legs down, reproaching them from her chest so that he could remove her black pants from her. He tossed them on the front seat and then repositioned himself again between her legs. As he did so, he accidentally hit himself on the top of the car. His eyes narrowed before he glared at it. _Stupid small car_. He slid his hands under her knees and hooked them over his shoulders. _Then_ it was her turn to exert a sound of displeasure.

He watched her face turn in a grimace and he looked up; her foot had hit the rooftop's handle. _This was not working._

Frustrated, he pulled himself off of her and ran his fingers through his bangs, pushing them to the side. This was irritating. They no longer had the time to go home and he could not possible return to the office. Not like this. He was hard, bothered and his impatience had reached another level. If he stepped foot in the office in such a state, he would most likely kill everyone. _How fucking annoying_. He took a few deep breaths and licked his lips as he leaned back into the seat.

Meanwhile, Kagome bit her bottom lip. His irritation spread through _her_ and she knew this whole mess was her fault. She could see his cock pressing against the tight fabric of his pants and she knew that was not going away. The car was clearly too small for them to do it like this. Although - she could… no. No, she could not do that. He would not allow it to happen and she was not sure she would have the courage to do something so bold. She knew _of_ it. It was not like she watched any _tutorial_ on it. Bile rose in her throat and she moved around to sit on her knees and inched herself closer to him. He did not move to look at her, instead, he remained there clearly pissed off. She swallowed hard and lifted her shaky hands.

_You can do this_. She breathed out and finally began to work on his pants. Now, she had his full attention. His eyes zoomed in on her as she began to carefully undid his zipper all the way down. His erection immediately freed itself from the constraint and she blushed. _They had done much worse than this and yet…_ She could not find her voice and this reminded her of the first time she gave him a blowjob. She was that same inexperienced little girl. She managed to grab the edge of his black boxers along side his pants and began to pull down. And _he let her_. She dragged them down until they hung around his ankles. He laid there, pale thighs and thick erection bare to her sight. She closed her eyes in a foolish attempt to give herself a bit of courage.

Now or never.

She could hear a clock ticking in her head as she moved to straddle his thighs. She kept herself above his cock, her entire body trembling with a new kind of need. His eyes were burning holes in hers as he stared at her. There, right beneath his top lip, there was a hint of fangs, his disguise dropping. _Was he pleased or displeased? _She lowered herself until the tip of him brushed up against her wet core. She waited for a moment and then lowered herself completely. He stretched her, filled her until she could fit no more of him. Then, she lifted herself back up, her inner thighs quivered with each movement she made. Her legs did not have enough strength for this and yet she kept going.

Sesshomaru watched as she tilted her head backward, sweat dripping down her neck. His claws broke through the glimmer and pierced through the fabric of the car seat. He gripped at it, trying to keep himself still. He could feel the redness in his eyes as he remained in a submissive position. He should not do this, he should not want this. And yet he was almost mesmerized each time she pushed him deep inside of her dripping cunt. If he touched her, he would leave marks on her and she was to return to work after this. He could not make it look as if she was hurt. He needed to _keep his fucking hands still_.

Kagome made no attempt to stop the moans that came from deep within her throat. This was new - and slow. Everything about them had been so rough and intense that this was overwhelming. The slow pace was teasing her, slowly ripping her apart from the inside but she could not make it any faster. Her legs were ready to give up with every movement she made and the simple fact of keeping this up was slowly killing her. Her muscles were weak _- way too weak_. She had been fine with walking around and doing normal tasks but this - _no. _It frustrated her, a rage roaming in her chest, pounding against her rib cage in the hopes of getting out. She needed more - she wanted more.

And then it was like he read her mind.

She felt it was he pushed back against her thrusts, moving his hips along with hers. She winced in pain as she tried to keep herself steady but then resigned herself. She clamped her hands down on his shoulders, gripping at them as she tried to use his sturdy body to relief some of the stress and weight from her own body. His fangs completely revealed themselves as her blunt nails scrap the fabric of his shirt, desperately trying to hang on. She whimpered and leaned her body against his. _Tired, she was tired_. She let him stretch her and fill her, but it was not nearly enough. It swirled inside of her, bringing heat to her cheeks, but her climax was not quite there yet.

But, _he felt her need_.

She gasped out loud when she felt a hand trailed down her short bush of dark hair. She stopped breathing while his fingers carefully rubbed her sensitive nub. She cried out and he applied even more pressure. Suddenly, her entire world became numbness and pleasure mixing together. Her pace picked up, her brain ignoring the pain spreading through her inner thighs or the bruises that were going to be left on her rear after this. She kept slamming herself down on him while a low groan echoed through her ears. His finger's movement forced her eyes to roll back and she thrusted faster. His actions followed her rhythm and she gripped down at his shirt, dragging it down with her hands. The buttons were ready to snap, but neither cared.

Her whole body lite up in flames and she finally came undone around him. Warmth spread over his length, her walls keeping him secured in, feeling every waves, every pressure of need. His clawed hands moved away from her core and he pulsed inside of her before spilling his seed. It seared through her and she finally released all the pressure she had been holding and dropped her body limp against his. Her forehead hit his and then she pressed her chest to his. She could already feel the sweat that coated her clothes, but she chose to ignore it. Her sweaty face forced her forehead down until it bumped his nose. She breathed out, the air tickling the surface of his lips.

She wanted to pull herself away from him but she could not. He probably wanted her off and yet, there was no strength let in her legs; she could not removed herself. She licked her lips, trying to summon the strength to at least put some distance between their bodies. However, before she could do that, she felt his lips on her cheek. It was soft at first, like a whisper, and then, they inched lower. She felt them brush up against the side of her jaw and then, they dropped to her neck. She tilted her head backwards, unconsciously giving him a better access. Everywhere he touched, she felt like he left a trail of fire. Except, it was different from other kisses. This was not about the sex - despite how deep he was buried inside of her.

It was another kind of warmth, the one that made her heart skip a beat.

It was all soft touches and whispers of lips. At first, her heartbeat slowed down until it skipped a few and then, it became in sync with his. She could hear it in her head; _his heartbeat_. Inexplicably, tears rose to her eyes; she wanted to cry. His lips lingered around the mark on her neck and she inhaled a sharp breath. His tongue slipped out, lapping the skin and sending a shiver down her spine. A moan of satisfaction laced with a hint of happiness past her lips and he _froze_. His tongue retracted and then, his mouth was no longer on hers.

Then, everything happened fast - too fast for her to process it.

His hands were on her hips, squeezing, not even trying to be gentle, and she was lifted off of him. His cock was limp while he sat her down on the seat, ignoring the fact that he almost tossed her off of him. In silence, he grabbed his boxers and pants from the ground and slipped them back up. He tucked his flaccid penis inside his clothes and then he struggled, fumbling with the zipper, and after a while, he managed to get himself back into a presentable state. At least he was not covered in sweat like she was. He smoothened back his shirt and never threw a glance her way.

"Lock the door on your way out." The words came out strained, like a raspy whisper.

Unfortunately, those were his only words before he slipped out and slammed the door. His rage echoed through his gesture and she jumped, startled. Her eyes watched him as he walked away, but he never cared enough to turn around. She ignored everything; the cold air wrapping around her skin, forcing goosebumps to raise, and his seed leaking out of her. She raised a hand to her neck, feeling the skin he touched. What was that feeling? Something happened inside of him, something that passed through her, but she could not put her finger on the emotion. It was different and unsettling - it was enough to make her cry. She knew sadness, she lived with it every day but she did not know that kind of sadness. It was not hers - it was his.

But - but it was not possible. Because Sesshomaru did not feel those kinds of emotions. It was not for him, it was not like him. She resigned herself to that long ago… and yet…

Was there something left to uncover?

Meanwhile, steps away, Sesshomaru was walking away from her, his chest torn apart like someone tried to slice him open. He did not know what happened. One second she was pressed to him and the next he was kissing her flesh. He had not done it out of sexual pleasure - he did not know why he did it actually. Despite the fact that he reached his completion, there was something craving. There was a hollowness in his chest that was foreign and he did not know how to feel it. Instinctually, he went to her neck, her skin; he wanted the feel of her all over his lips. Why? Sex; that was the reason for their physical closeness. The bond, the child… all of those were valid reasons.

An emptiness inside of him? It was not a good reason.

The facade he usually kept on so skillfully was gone, faded away. Instead, he looked panic, his eyes darting around as he tried to keep his footsteps slow and controlled. He needed more time before he returned to the office. This was plaguing him like an infection. He always said she influenced him, that her emotions took control of his head but…he did not know anymore. Was this her? Did she create this pit of emptiness? It was in his own chest, roaring and clawing while demanding to be fed. He wanted _it_ out. He did not want to comfort her, he did not want to need her presence by his side.

Sesshomaru ran a hand down his face and breathed out heavily. All this contact was a bad idea, this whole thing was a bad idea. At this point, he was almost certain that having a child was not a good idea. There was the jealousy as well. Why was he jealous? He should not have been competitive with that man.

Except, there was one terrifying news that he could not ignore; he was too far in. He could not pull out even if he wanted to - he could not stay away. It was no longer about not losing himself. He was far past that point. It was about preserving who he used to be. He did not like this, he should not dwell into new territories. He was who he was and nothing could change that.

And yet, he could no longer recognize himself.

What had he become?

-R-


	26. The Prognostic

**A/N: **Well, this is a little late. Sorry real life is kicking my butt.

**Red Lotus**

**Chapter 26: The Prognostic**

There was a buzzing silence surrounding the room while the softness of the silk sheets melting against her skin. She was buried under them, wrapped around as to keep all the warmth. Yet, despite the peacefulness of the moment, something was twitching at her, disturbing her rest. Her eyes flickered open for a brief moment, hoping to quickly spot the source of the disturbance. Unfortunately for her, no such light was shed on the matter. Her mind was too groggy and her vision to hazy for her to make out what awoke her. She was forced to fully open her eyes and then, her heart stopped. Sesshomaru was staring at her. Not subtly, not from the corner of his eye. Nope, he was fully on his side, staring at her.

Panic spread through her and her first reaction, after blushing, was to turn to the other side, leaving him to look at her back. Why did he stare at her like that? Did she say something in her sleep? Did she have something on her face? Technically she should be asking, but the intensity of his gaze left her speechless. She tried to slowly exhale the air in her lungs, hoping to calm down her poor heart. Surely he had to notice her discomfort and yet she still felt his eyes on her. This was ridiculous. After everything they did, she should be able to turn around and talk to him. Yes, there was nothing embarrassing about this, it was simply a question.

But then, as she turned, his stare swallowed her words. "Mo-morning," she babbled.

He blinked slowly. "Have you bled yet?"

Was that the reason behind the awkward staring? It was their third month trying. The first month was a flop, the second month had not been better despite their use of the ovulation kit. This month? It was anyone's guess. "No," she breathed out before straightening herself in a sitting position.

There had been something strange about Sesshomaru during the past few weeks. At first it was little things, moments she barely noticed. However, as they became more and more frequent, she began to wonder. For the first time since the beginning of their bond, she was confused between her emotions and his. Little need, little cravings that she knew were not hers. There was also the small brush of the hand, his little finger touching her as he passed by. It should be nothing and she should not pay attention to them, but those were not things Sesshomaru could possibly do by accident. He was quite mindful of his personal space and would notice and stop if he touched her all the time.

The fact that he did not was intriguing. Did he even realize it was happening?

It messed with her head. Was she putting all the signs together because she wanted to or was there something to look for? Sesshomaru was a hard code to crack and barely gave her any way to confirm all of her thoughts and did not help that she was going through changes of her own. Her little pot belly that was forming, the swell of her breasts and the way her face was rounding out. Her body was reacting well to the changes and the deepening of the bond. It did re-assure her concerning the pregnancy to come. Her body was slowly more equipped to handle it.

"I thought I might wait a few days." She learned not to get her hopes up. There was no point and it was harder to come back from it. They would have a long few months ahead of them and she could not let the failure crush her spirit every time.

"I cannot sense anything." Of course, it was too early for him to feel as such, but it did not mean he did not try. Plus, he had required an excuse for the situation she had found him in. He had been staring, flat out staring. It was something he had been doing more and more and it was a tiring habit. Whenever she was close enough for him to touch her, he would stare. It was better than touching. There was this need swirling inside of him, one that dictated him to touch her, and run his hands over the planes of her body - without taking her and sleeping with her. It was a pointless need, one he refused to indulge. His feelings were not his own and yet they were not hers. All of this confusion took root inside of him.

Lying to her about his reasons for staring seemed like a proper way to keep this his own secret. Although today would put his skills to the test; they would be spending the day together. She had no homework, work or online classes. And he was off on weekends. It was the first time they were not busy with any other activities and he wondered how he would pull it all off with a straight face. Avoiding her would seem suspicious and he did not need her to notice his strange behavior. Clearly this was simply the side effect of something. He would figure it out and then rid himself of the problem. Why would it not be that easy?

"You should rest," he finally said as he pulled himself away from the blankets. If she stayed in bed and he left the bed, it would put some distance between them. That was the plan, right? Plus, he was not comfortable laying around in bed all day. It was well past the time he got up.

Kagome watched him leave, an eyebrow arched. Why did she need to rest? She was no longer _sick_ per say. He… he was avoiding her. Was he ashamed of the way he was staring earlier? Knowing him, probably, yes. She let him leave, not wanting to push him. If there was one thing she learned about him it was that he resembled a wild animal; you could not directly push him. If she wanted to know what caused the shift and change in him, she would have to figure it out without directly asking him. _Perhaps _it would be best to leave him with his thoughts for a while. Plus, she was desperate for a shower.

As Kagome threw her legs over the edge of the bed, a sharp pain traveled through her sides. _Ugh_. Maybe she would not need to take a pregnancy test, after all. The pain of period cramps was hard to forget. _Another month, another bust_. She shook her head softly as she let her feet hit the ground. _Nope,_ she expected this. This was okay. A shower. Yes. A shower was going to do her some good. She slapped a smile on her face and slowly marched in the direction of the door, keeping her mind clear of any kind of bad thoughts.

A little while later, Sesshomaru was in the kitchen, slowly beginning his breakfast. He had a newspaper laid on the counter and his eyes were mindlessly roaming over it. He had been grateful when he heard her get into the shower. But, when he heard it turn off, his heart skipped for a moment. There was always a certain lack of control over his own body when she was around. Part of it he had learned to accept, but the rest? He did not think he would ever find it tolerable. His own personality was shifting, but it was not out of his own doing. He did not appreciate those modifications.

He did not want to need what his body needed.

It tore him apart from the inside.

"This month is not the month."

Her quiet voice startled him out of his thoughts. When had he become so used to her presence that she could sneak up on him? He tried to hide the shock caused by her sudden appearance and slipped on a mask. Her words took a moment to sink in, but once they did, his shoulders slumped slightly. "You are not pregnant."

She shook her head. "I'm - a I'm bleeding."

"Next month."

"Yeah, maybe."

She sat across from him and despite her best attempts to appear strong, he saw right through it. She was disappointed by the results. This should be the end of the conversation; he should not say anything else because there _was_ nothing else to say. That notion did nothing to lessen the ache in his chest. _Her ache_. He remembered the tears, the feel of her shaking body and he wanted to avoid that situation at all cost. Those kind of situations were to be labeled as _dangerous_ since they got a rise out of him. And now he was faced with a dilemma; did he dare to say something and hopefully get rid of her sadness and did he remain silent and hope it would not derail into tears and a deep state of upset?

"Your body is not ready yet."

Kagome stopped in her movements and dared to raise her head to look at him. Did - did he just try to comfort her? _Alright_, it was officially not in her head. Sesshomaru was changing, he was different with her. Why in the world did it matter to him if she was upset or not? _Not that she was_. Because - she was not. She had accepted the fact that this would take a while. Still, he was trying to bring her words of comfort. If she was not upset, it meant he was not upset. He was doing this because - _why was he doing this_?

"I know. Else it would have happened."

She had to reply to him - he was trying to be nice. Although, she did not have the first clue on how to deal with this kind of Sesshomaru. What had brought this on?

He nodded and then, let his eyes travel back to his newspaper. _Awkwardness_ ran into the air and he decided that _silence_ might have been a better option. Apparently, his judgment could not longer be trusted.

_Whatever this was_ - it was a problem.

-R-

The day went by less awkwardly than the morning had, with Kagome opting for some resting like he had suggested while he watched some television. He had his back pressed to the couch while zapping through the channels. It was quite difficult to find something he could find interesting. Sometimes documentaries were a winner, but other times they were only the demonstration of how stupid humans were. He clicked on the little arrow again and watched the channel change. A loud bang echoed through the place and for a second he thought it was coming from the TV. His ears flared and he remained on alert while he listened for any other sounds.

Then, there were grunts.

_Kagome_.

He was on his feet, already in the bedroom, by the time the remote reached the ground. His palms were pressed to the doorway as he peeked in. Kagome was on the floor, bending in two, whilst holding her stomach. As she heard him come in, she raised her head and made eye contact, pain flashing through her eyes. "Sess-" but she could not finish his name.

Breathing hurt. Talking was even worse.

In a flash, he was by her side, a hand carelessly placed upon her back as he tried to find an injury. Unfortunately, nothing caught his eye and the only blood he smelled was the one coming from her period. She brought him out of his thoughts by gripping at his bicep, the fabric of his white shirt threatening to give out under the pull. Another grunt of pain left her lips and this time, tears filled her eyes. _Not good_. "_Sess_."

For the love of god…

Hospital. He had to get her to a hospital. She could not walk - she would never make it to the car on her own. He popped his lips out of aggravation and settled on the only obvious solution; he would have to carry her. Without giving her a proper warning, he slipped an arm under her knees and the other remained on her back. In one swift motion, he lifted her off the ground. Immediately her fingers dug into his arm, probably out of fear that she was going to fall, and then her head collided with his chest. In silence, he got her out of the bedroom and in the direction of the outside world. She remained limp in his arms, the pain clearly too much to bear. He felt the sweat of her forehead wet his shirt, but it did not slow down his speed.

He was walking faster - faster than a human should, but that thought barely crossed his mind.

Once they got to the car he put her down and put her seatbelt on as best as he could. He sped through his side and drove as fast as he could to the hospital. Her fear was laced with her pain and somehow he could tell what was going through her mind. The first time she was in pain, the first time that brought her to the hospital… she learned of her impending doom. This was not a visit to see how well she was doing. This was a bad visit. There was blood and there was pain and… And she was scared. This time this feeling was not his, it was clearly hers. And there was nothing that could take it away. Instead, he watched her while she bent in two, screaming away her pain.

Kagome was biting her lip, trying to be silent, but it was too much. There was a throbbing in her stomach, pulsing cramps that in the end were nothing like the cramps she got during the period. _What was happening to her_?

All Sesshomaru could do was grip the wheel while the light turned red.

_Come on_.

-R-

"Mister Taisho?"

His head snapped up at the sound of his name. He ignored the fact that he had been bent over, holding his head in his hands. Or that he did not even mind the awful stench coming from the green cushion chair he was sitting on. He rose to his feet, smoothening the wrinkles from his shirt. He took a few steps in the direction of the nurse while she held her pad close to her chest.

"You can see her now."

Four hours. That was how long he waited on that forsaken chair. No risks were taken, especially not considering how _miraculous_ her recovery had been. They feared the worst and he could not tell them they were wrong without explaining _everything_ so he kept his mouth shut and waited. He knew the word cancer was on their mind and they wasted time exploring that option. At least they did end up finding something. Or at least he hoped so.

He followed the nurse's indication and went into the room. The door creaked as he opened it, blinking under the bright neons. Inside he found Kagome sitting on the bed, though she still had her hospital gown on. The doctor was standing in front of her, clearly waiting for his arrival before speaking. He tried to decipher Kagome's expression, but he could not; although it was hard to miss the redness that spread in her eyes. Did she recently cry or was it all from the pain?

"Mister Taisho."

He nodded. Sesshomaru stopped walking once he reached the metal rails and let his hand glide across it.

"Kagome, you will be fine." He offered her a smile. "So will your baby."

B-baby? "I'm sorry my what?"

"You're pregnant," the doctor confirmed. "Barely three weeks." As he watched her face fall, he closed his eyes. "You did not know."

She shook her head, unable to find the words to speak. They did some ultra sounds, but they said it was to get a better look at her ovaries and everything else. They never said it was because of this. _She was pregnant_. No, she could not be pregnant because - because she bled and there was blood _and why did he say her baby was going to be fine_? Panic surged through her, fear pulsing through her blood while suddenly she found herself panting. Her hands shook as she planted them against her thighs and she remained voiceless. _Baby. Pregnant_.

Sesshomaru was about as abashed as she was, but he was able to form coherent sentences. When he saw Kagome lacked the control to ask the questions that needed to be asked, he took control. "She was in pain - and bled. How can either of them be _fine_?"

The doctor cleared his throat. "It happens sometimes. Especially in Kagome's case. Her body has gone through a lot recently and it is not as strong as it should be." He sighed, uncomfortable under the tall man's stare. He was used to husbands always being iffy in such situation, but something about him was sending a shiver down his spine. "What happened was that the placenta shifted, causing the bleeding. A small part of it tore from the uterus' wall."

"A-and that's safe?"

"No, but in your case it was not enough to put the baby's life in danger. You _will_ have to be careful for the next few weeks. We will have to schedule an appointment so that you may come back in two weeks. We'll monitor the situation, but I don't see why you can't have a normal pregnancy."

"Will she bed ridden?"

"She can move around the house, do her daily tasks. But I wouldn't recommend staying on your feet for too long. At least until we see each other again."

"She cannot work."

"I do not recommend it."

He wanted the words to come from the doctor's mouth. If he was the one who ordered it, she would not listen. Although - if he took one long look at her, he could see how much this shook her. She was a mess. It was a good thing he was there to ask all the questions that needed to be asked.

"Does she need to stay here longer?"

"You can take her home."

"Thank you."

The doctor offered a polite nod and got out of the room silently.

Sesshomaru watched him leave and once the door closed, he went around and sat down by Kagome's side. As soon as she felt his presence, she let out the sobs she had been holding back. Tears spilled down her face while her whole body shook with pain. _She knew it_. She always knew it that she was broken and this only confirmed it further. Even her body knew she was going to be a terrible mother. It even tried to rip it all out of her. Everything she feared, all the things that might go wrong - they were going wrong. She could barely breathe as more sobs and tears poured out of her. She was semi-conscious of a hand on her back, but it did nothing to ease the pain she felt.

But she needed something - she wanted something.

Warmth.

Consequences did not even cross her mind as she launched herself at Sesshomaru, throwing her arms around his neck. She pressed her wet face to his shirt, smudging it, and let the weight of her body rest on his.

At first, he remained still like a statue, his arms remaining by his side. This was not what he had in mind when he came to sit by her side. First, he wanted to make sure that the doctor's assumptions were correct and second of all, he wanted to tell her to calm herself. All the stress she was imposing on her body was not helping her situation. Although he had no doubt that the prognostic was correct; she would have a normal pregnancy. Whatever was happening would be taken care of - she did not heal like a human. She was less at risks than the others despite the weakness of her own body. But this? This hug? This messiness of tears? He did not know what to do with this.

It was different when she was in pain, it was different when her life was at risk.

Now all he could feel was the shake of her body while she hang on to him like he was going to save her. Her hopelessness was slowly transferring to him, almost making him shiver in disgust. She was sad and broken. Why? There was some bad news, but overall, it was going to be fine. Plus, she was indeed pregnant. Had she not shed tears because she was not? Now she was and yet she remained upset. None of this made sense to him.

_Pregnant_.

Thinking about it made it real.

After a few attempts, she was carrying his child. He would have his heir, his son. It was growing inside the sad miko.

Kagome moved her head forward, forcing her face to nuzzle his neck. His skin felt warm against her cold cheek and she could not help, but travel further up. There was something she needed - something only he could give to her. He would never do that, but it did not mean she would stop asking. She felt shame fill her chest, but she kept her face where it was. This way, he was warm, this way, she was not alone. Her mind was racing, her heart was aching and she wanted to throw up. This was not right; it was not supposed to be like this. If her body was not ready to welcome a child, why did it - _they should have waited_. Why did they not wait longer? They knew her body was useless!

She was about to let another sob take over when she felt him wrap an arm around her. It was not much, it was not even a real hug.

But for her it was and she leaned into him even more.

This was a dangerous path.

-R-

"I prepared soup."

Kagome raised her head, peeking from the blankets. Ever since their return home, she hid in the bed. He did not try to push her out of there, he did not force her to move. He was most likely happy that remained still. Although he did bring her food for every meal and it was always things like soup and easy things to swallow. To make matters worse, he took a day off from work to remain home. She expressed the fact that it was useless, but he did not listen. It was not as though they were spending speaking or even sleeping in the same bed. Instead, he took refuge in her old bedroom. That left her all alone in the large bed, her body surrounded by pillows to prevent any kind of movements. He feared that his presence might provoke further injuries.

At least during the first week.

After that, he was confident her body would have fixed the situation.

Sesshomaru remained in the doorway with a hot bowl of soup in his hands. For now, she would be fed in the bed. He knew she felt a slight irritation since he chose to stay home, but he did not trust the stability of the situation enough to leave her side. She went from fine to terrible pain in very little time. What if something occurred while he was away and she could not get help? His child was growing inside of her and he refused to let it perish. He was already aware that she might need more help, normal pregnancy or not, and he could deal with this. He was not losing money; he had sick days. Money. It was about to become very important.

Since she said nothing, he walked in. He put the little white bowl down on the nightstand and stole a glance at her. "Are you well?"

She nodded. "Thanks."

As he lingered nearby, she came to remind herself that it was good that there was some space between them. She craved for him. His hug at the hospital had been unexpected, but she had needed it. She pulled herself from him as much as possible, knowing he would never give her what she wanted. Except now? She wanted it. And he was offering it. It was dangerous because she knew it was temporary. Yes, something in him had shifted, but she did not know how long it would last and she knew that some of it was directed towards the child. It was his baby as well and it was normal for him to be worried.

It was not about her.

And yet, as he stood there, she lingered for his warmth, his arms wrapped around her. She wanted something to take the ache away. She forced her eyes away from her, keeping her need hidden from him.

"Do you require me to lift you up?"

She shook her head. "I'm alright."

Kagome put her hands down against the mattress and pushed herself up. She cringed a bit as she lifted her body up, and finally, pressed her back against the crinkled pillow. She let out a breath of air and let her body unwind. Perhaps she could have used his help - but it was not as though she was putting her baby at risk. This pain was hers. She was not making any dangerous movements. She could breathe and turn around. She simply could not put her body through too much stress and she was not. She filled her lungs with air before twisting around and grabbing the bowl. However, before she could do that, Sesshomaru picked it up.

She arched an eyebrow. He did not usually feed her.

What was he doing?

He dipped the spoon in the hot liquid and then, once the excess spilled over, he carefully brought it to her mouth. There was a moment of hesitation, especially when her eyes met his, but she did part her lips.

Kagome could not take many things for the pain, not with the pregnancy. That left her vulnerable to surge of torment and when they were intense enough, they transferred to him. As she had twisted her body, he had sensed the ping of agony in his own chest. For that reason, he preferred that she did not do any unnecessary motions. Plus, her current state was nothing compared to when she had first moved in. He could not understand why it seemed to displease her this much. There was something off about her attitude, but he could not quite figure it out. Then again, he should not comment on her unusual behavior; he was worse.

The air was thick while he finished feeding her. He was near the end of the bowl when she raised a hand to stop him. "If I eat any more, I'll be sick." The pain was making her stomach churn and she did not want to push her luck. She had a feeling that the contractions needed to vomit would be less than ideal at the moment.

Morning sickness.

Uh. She had none of those yet. Then again, she knew what her luck was like. This would be a hellish ride. Sesshomaru appeared quite confident about the whole matter, but she could not share his optimism. Had she not say that she would be a terrible mother? This kept proving her right. But it was too late to take back the deal, too late to back track and never try. The baby was here and she had to protect it with everything she had. It was hard to do in her current state, but she would try.

Goodbye classes. Goodbye work.

She had finally gotten her life down to a normal routine and it was all out the window. She was supposed to work at the beginning of her pregnancy... Maybe some classes were salvageable. She could do some work from her bed.

"Do you wish for a bath?" He said, breaking the silence. "One of the nurses suggested it might help with the pain."

A bath? It did sound good. Did he have bubble bath? Stupid question. Sesshomaru did not have bubble bath. Although that mental picture did put a smile on her face. "That'd be nice."

He put the bowl back down and nodded. Without a word, he exited the room and she sighed.

Kagome took advantage of that quiet time to run a hand down the covered skin of her stomach. There was life growing inside of her. Her body used to be broken, a representation of death and now, it was host to a life. It was helping making something. Something that was half her, half Sesshomaru. Who thought that would ever happen? Even when he proposed to mate her she never thought it would come down to this. They were about to form a real family. No matter what happened, there would always be something tying her to him. Though, if something happened and forced her away from him, it would be because he wanted it.

She had feelings for him.

Feelings he was torturing with his recent closeness.

He was never mean to her, he always helped her, but - but this was different.

Everything he did before was out of obligation. Now, she wondered if there was not something else. He lingered, he touched her when he did not have to, he helped more than necessary and it was slowly killing her inside. She did not know if he could be that kind of person and be comfortable in that situation. This was just a tease, a hint of a life that could be, but would never be. Except, her heart was stupid and it was easily fooled. She could stand on her own two feet, and pulled through this. Although she lost her will to fight, her energy, she could always live even if she was by herself.

But - he made it easier. Hanging on to him, knowing he was there to catch her? It made it much more bearable. Loneliness had wrapped around her back when she thought all that was left was death. The fact that there was someone linked to her... it lifted a pressure off of her shoulders.

Still she realized how unfair it was. She should not rely on him. He was not responsible for her - she was an obligation that was imposed on him and nothing more. She closed her eyes, bringing herself back to reality. Again, it was unfair to ask him something he could not comfortably give. He was capable of some sort of loves - he loved Rin. She knew he would love their child. But love? The kind of love she knew existed, the one that she thought she would have one day? It was not in him and that was alright. She could not hold it against him.

Her thoughts were disturbed by Sesshomaru's re-appearance in the room. His sleeves were rolled up, probably to avoid wetting them as he tested the water. He marched towards her and bent over when he reached the edge of the bed. She wanted to argue that she could walk, but she knew it might be best to avoid unnecessary movements. She resigned herself and let her body become limp so that he could handle it better. He lifted her from the bed and automatically her head rested against his chest. She listened to his slow heartbeat while he walked her over to her lukewarm bath. Too hot would be bad.

He put her down on the closed lid of the toilet and she straightened her back. She expected him to rise to his feet, but he did not. Instead, he lowered himself to his knees and positioned himself between her legs. A breath remained stuck in her throat before she found her voice. "I can d-do it," she stuttered.

He was going above the need.

There was a flash in his eyes, one that indicated he wanted to go against her wishes, but he resigned himself. She gripped the edge of her white t-shirt and pulled it over her head slowly. Since she was not wearing a bra, she immediately revealed her breasts to his sight. Then, she lowered her hands and pushed down on her sweat pants, tucking her underwear down at the same time. She did manage to get them past her rear, but once it was time to get them all the way down, she was unable to bend over enough. It was then that he came in. He grabbed down and did the rest, tossing them on the ground. As she sensed he was about to grab her again, she simply put a hand on his shoulder and used that leverage to lift herself up. To be careful, she put a hand on the underside of her stomach.

He watched her go as she dipped a foot in the water and then the other. She put her other hand on his free shoulder and turned around so that she could lower herself. Once she was sitting in the water, she shifted and laid her back against the cold ceramic. She closed her eyes and let the water and calmness surrounding her relax her aching body. He watched her, her breasts half covered by the water, her short locks barely dipping backward. He inhaled and then reached forward to grab a cloth he had left on the edge of the bath. It was then that he was stopped by the soft touch of her fingers.

"I can do it."

His fingers closed around the purple fabric.

"You don't have to take care of me."

And he stopped moving.

Something had shifted in her tone. There was a hint of her old fire, the one she had displayed recently when he first took her. After her break down at the hospital, he thought it was gone, but no, it remained.

"I can do it."

"Very well."

She saw his eyes harden and return to a state he only wore before. Gone was the longing, gone was the craving. Instead, he looked at her with cold eyes while he rose to his feet. Her heart was stuck in her throat, cutting off her air supply as he walked away from her without a fight. It was the second time he was walking away from her. After he left her alone in that car… she knew. She knew she had to protect her heart. It was fine if it was just her, but it was no longer the case. She put a hand on her bare stomach and gently caressed it. Now there would be someone else with them and - she was already putting its life in danger. The less she could do was be strong. Sesshomaru's situation was a flux and she could not let herself get wrapped up in it.

She needed to put some distance between them.

She needed to do things on her own. He would help her, of course, since it was his child as well. But she did not know if she could keep on being selfish with him.

Her child needed her. It needed her to be a better person.

She did not know how to achieve this feat yet but she needed to stand on her own two feet. She could not let him wrap around her heart and take hold of her. She needed to close her eyes on the sweetness and little attentions.

And it hurt, it really hurt.

Her heart throbbed with pain and her head dropped. She let the water surround her and she finally took a deep breath, her whole body shivering.

How could such an happy announcement leave her so empty?

-R-


End file.
